Been Stewing On An Analytical Approach To Fiction Which I Call "is This Book Afraid Of Me?" And In Order

film diary - ✰ 8/? howl's moving castle (2004) dir. hayao miyazaki

knowing you'd be there gave me the courage to show up. that woman terrifies me. i can't face her on my own. you saved me, sophie. i was in big trouble back there.

Midday cowboy doing the grocery shopping

(John Dominis. 1971?)

Justice/Vengeance was just kind of the like, the over-arching theme for early dragon age and so the way that they just abruptly started scrubbing it from every aspect of the series and replacing it with other stuff is so crazy. like I'm joking about the "it's because they hated that blond freak" thing but genuinely what did happen. Did they just get scared.

sunburst

andreas

Image description by @anistarrose: digital art of Andreas Maler from Pentiment, as he appears in the first act. He's seated with his hands on his knees, and with a slight smile. The background is zoomed-in on a manuscript, featuring an illustration of a cow in a field, and some cut-off Latin text. End description.

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orig pic

So I heard good things about the movie Conclave, so as a dutiful little post-Catholic weirdo with lingering baggage, I gave it a watch and was thoroughly entertained. I highly recommend it.

But one of the reasons why it's been getting so much discussion is that people keep comparing it to Drag Race and making it out to be this campy drama full of gossip and machinations. And while those elements are there, and I certainly endorse taking that approach to analysis, I also can't help but wonder. I wonder if the reason why people are clocking it as a glam gossip drama is because they don't have enough lived experience with Catholicism, and its most vociferous adherents that they can't clock the sincerity when they witness it.

There is a mundane hierarchical jockeying aspect to it, and that cannot be denied, but the true fascination in the experience, the creeping horror of it, is to see dudes who have completely convinced themselves of their own self righteousness that they believe Performative Humility is Genuine Submission to God's Will. There's a bit that carries through the film that says "nobody who acts like they WANT to be pope SHOULD be pope", but that unto itself is a form of performance. It's the most insidious kind of grandstanding because it's the kind that can convince the performer themself that it's genuine. It can make them think: "I've eaten enough humble pie to prove I'm a good person, so I don't have to continue the work of self examination."

In my opinion, that sort of performance has less in common with high glam ego-driven drag competition, and more in common, say, with online political posturing, the contest to appear most sociopolitically aware and self-flagellatory. To prove how good one is by being loudest about confessing how bad one is. And maybe some people aren't ready to make that connection because they don't want to believe that old dudes in church are capable of the same kinds of mental gymnastics to pursue their own self-interests as the most liberated, educated, and media savvy online commentator.

Year 1-5 of Skyrim being out: WOOOOOOOOW!!! Look at this sick war hammer Malacath gave me! This is so awesome, I-- YOOOOOOOO!!!! THAT DRAGON IS FIGHTING A GIANT, LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Year 5-10 of Skyrim being out: I am roleplaying a deeply religious Dunmer. I will ONLY use the Ebony Mail, the Ebony Blade, and Azura's Star. I will follow their teachings, and only their teachings. The only times I don't follow their teachings is if I am literally forced on another path. I will shun and destroy any deity that is not Maphala, Boethia, or Azura. The Good Three are my light and my way.

Year 10+ of Skyrim being out: Hello Generic NPC. I know things about you. So many things. All of the things. I know where you sleep. I know what factions you're a part of. I have the sound of your foot steps memorized, I speak your words before you do. I desire for you, Generic NPC. Oh, not for anything as complex or personal as lust, Generic NPC. Nor hate. Nor is there any judgment here, Generic NPC. My reasons are more ancient, more sinister and, yes, more benevolent than anything you know too. I will follow you home, Generic NPC. I will watch you sleep, Generic NPC. I will cook only the meals you consume, Generic NPC. I will become you, Generic NPC. I will--

conclave the book is like so specifically written too like ... its so crazy. bellini's line about "families having 10 children because mama and papa didn't know any better" & "standing for everything tedesco does not" is like only a few pages apart from the reveal of tedesco's backstory being that he's the youngest of 12 kids and grew up destitutely poor from that (& still eats like he's terrified someone might steal his food). like ohh... tedesco is a product of his environment and the paradigm of the traditional values failing people & still trying to force those values on people despite knowing the firsthand experience of the way it sucks. crab in a bucket style.