“Sometimes It Scares Me How Much I Think About Going Out For A Walk, And Never Coming Home. How Willing

Holding on gets harder and harder everyday and I don’t really see myself having a future.

with my first ever paycheck i bought myself two canisters of helium incase i ever wanted to kill myself so i hid them in my closet and then i ended up living so they were just there for years and i finally decided to get rid of them so i recruited my mom to help me dispose of them properly bcs they’re literally metal canisters of compressed gas so you gotta recycle them properly and her response was to put them on her church-mom-swap group chat saying ‘my daughter bought these for a special occasion that never came to pass, they’re available for free if anyone can pick them up!!’ speechless.

Great job!

You didn’t kill yourself!

It’s amazing that you kept going when you didn’t want to. You deserve credit for that.

I just feel like stuck. Every day is the same and I'm just existing not living.

Will these thoughts ever stop?

one of the most relatable and useful things someone once said to me is that what saved her from her own ideation was the knowledge that suicide is always an option.

And this runs counter to what is very often told, and I’m certainly not saying that that narrative is wrong. There are people that absolutely need to hear that suicide is Never an option.

But when you’ve been in those particular trenches for so long, the old sayings start to wear thin.

So what this person talked about was, the knowledge that she could theoretically always kill herself made it easier to postpone. Sure she could have killed herself this morning, but then she wouldn’t be out getting coffee with her friend. And she can always do it tonight.

But maybe tonight doesn’t work either because what she wants more than to be dead is to be warm in bed. So she’ll sleep on it. Maybe next week after seeing her friend’s musical.

And maybe that musical gives her the strength she needs to hold out for a bit longer, to scrape just a bit more joy from the world.

And maybe in two months it comes back, and she can’t do it anymore. But well, two months ago wasn’t the only time, she can always do it next month. Might as well wait for spring, the flowers are only just starting to come out.

So hey, maybe you could kill yourself. But you’re a long time dead with not a lot to do, so might as well scrape some more joy and excitement and interest and disappointment and music and grief and community and warmth from this world while you’re in it.

There’s always the possibility of something around the corner. Be curious and stay safe loves <3 (love heart.)

Nothing works anymore, drugs don’t work (escaping reality) medication doesn’t work (happy pills/sedation pills/sleep pills, therapy/venting/ranting/talking about it doesn’t help, doing happy stuff doesn’t work, no matter what I do nothing changes or feels any different.

You fight for her. You don't even try with me anymore