Absolutely Hilarious - Blog Posts
wWHEEEZE
i finished it 🎉
people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.
you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.
like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.
wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?
batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing
the league:
batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*
the league:
batman:
batman: *coughs awkwardly*
superman: *sighs*
batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-
superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.
the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?
wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.
superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.
batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me
green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?
'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.
they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.
wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?
batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.
wonder woman:
green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?
superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.
the league:
batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...
the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?
'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.
the league, concerned:
superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-
batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!
superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.
bonus
the league, squinting at batman:
the league: ...
superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*
the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*
duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?
The 'When we worked together I checked you out ALL THE TIME' 'YOU MEAN WHEN YOU USED TO G L O W E R AT ME?! I thought you were daydreaming about MURDER!' is so funny to me lmao
Here is a fem!skk comic, because I've been seeing so much fun fem!skk stuff on here and it sent my brain down a rabbit-hole — I'm putting most of it under the cut, firstly because it REALLY got away from me, so it's long, and also because of the following
Disclaimer: suggestive and also there is lingerie (albeit lingerie which I made up which doesn't show that much skin, but still!)
Dazai used Direct Affection! It's super effective! (Chuuya has fainted)
(And now they're going to cook dinner together, while Dazai very cheerfully distracts Chuuya at every given opportunity lol)
Wikipedia now having to specify months when it comes to UK Government Crises.
Fuck it, posting the glass eye fic I’ve been sitting on for a few months
•••
Katara didn’t trust Zuko as far as she could throw him, and based on past experiences, she couldn’t throw him very far without waterbending. Not that she’d hesitate to waterbend at him if he tried anything- and at this point, she was just waiting for him to slip up.
Which was why she was immediately ready to water whip him off the side of the temple when she heard Sokka’s terrified shriek. Okay, so maybe she didn’t exactly have proof he’d done anything, or even that he was anywhere near Sokka, but she ran towards the noise, water pouch at the ready, planning the best way to toss him out a window anyway-
And it was Zuko! She let herself have the vindication for a moment. Just a moment. Then asked “Sokka, what did you do?”
Look, she hated Zuko’s guts, but he didn’t look like he was actively hurting anyone right now, staring at Sokka in shock and clutching his face (the scarred side, she noted).
For good measure, she repeated the question at Zuko, because Sokka had screamed and he didn’t usually do that for no reason.
“I was just getting dressed!” Zuko protested, halfway between confused and afraid. “And he just came in and started screaming!”
Sokka made a strangled noise and gestured emphatically at Zuko, which cleared up absolutely nothing. “He- he- his- I-“
“Sokka!” She snapped. “What happened?”
Zuko lowered his hand a little and Sokka let out another half yelp. The firebender glared, then winced a little, still not uncovering his face.
“Wait, Sokka, did you hit him?”
Katara was a responsible person, who disapproved of hitting people on principle. She was not frowning at Sokka because she was jealous.
“No!” Sokka managed to get out. “Zuko- he- his eye fell out!”
Oh.
“Sokka...” she sighed. “Are you high again?”
“Wait-“ Zuko cut in, looking a little less confused (Katara would be angry with him for interrupting later, when she was less desperately perplexed). “You were freaking out because I took my eye out?”
“You... you what?” Katara was now matching Sokka’s confused horror. “You took your what out?”
Zuko lowered his hands, and yep, one eye. One eye and one not-eye, because Zuko only had one eye, and an empty eye socket, because what in Tui’s name was-
“What the fuck-“ She wasn’t sure if that was her or Sokka.
One - one - creepy gold eye blinked at them. “It’s a glass eye,” Zuko said slowly. “I kinda have to take it out sometimes.”
That explained everything and nothing at all. “It’s a what?” Sokka demanded.
“Glass eye,” Zuko said, then waved something small and eye-shaped in their general direction. He looked slightly more annoyed than usual, and then it struck Katara that someone screaming when they saw your face probably didn’t do wonders for self-esteem. “An eye. Made of glass.”
Sokka looked outright terrified. “But... how did your eye turn into glass? That happens? Do I have to worry about that?”
Katara did not slam her head into the wall, showing incredible self restraint. “Sokka, you idiot!” she groaned.
He grabbed her by the shoulders, eyes wide. “Katara, why didn’t you tell me this could happen?!”
As a healer, she had a duty to tell him he was being an absolute idiot and that it was clearly a prosthetic.
As a little sister, she had a duty to fuck with him, and that was a far more sacred duty.
“I’m sorry, Sokka,” she managed to sigh. “I didn’t want you to worry, with all the stuff you do that- no, don’t worry. It’s not so bad.”
“What?” His voice was strangled in fear. “Katara, what? Katara what am I doing?! How do I stop it?! Katara?!”
She’d almost forgotten about Zuko until he very sadly said “why do you think Aang doesn’t eat meat? The Avatar needs two eyes, and if one falls out, it could cause problems.”
She did not like Zuko at all, but right then, she loved him.
Ten minutes later, Sokka had sworn off meat, and then the other contributing factors to eyes spontaneously turning into glass and falling out: sarcasm, boomerangs and being an annoying big brother.
“He knows we’re joking, right?” Zuko asked cautiously after Sokka sprinted out to apologise to the spirits for making fun of waterbending.
“Eh, he’ll figure it out.”
———
“So,” Toph said as they settled down for dinner - with Sokka being late for a meal for the first time in his life, “why is Snoozles throwing seal jerky into the canyon?”
“I have a glass eye,” Zuko explained.
The earthbender nodded sagely. “Yeah, makes sense.”
Aang was slowly looking between the three of them like it would make any of this any more sensical. “Uh... what?”
“Long story,” Katara sighed.
Her brother strode up to the campfire with his usual level of theatre, then remembered that being dramatic was also a risk factor and very calmly and slowly sat down. “I think I’m safe.”
“What about your hair?” Zuko asked, completely blank faced.
“... please tell me this isn’t why you had the bald ponytail.”
“You think I did that willingly? No, I needed at least one eye working.”
Sokka sprinted into the temple.
“You’re not actually going to let him shave his hair, are you?” Zuko asked, looking mildly concerned.
Okay, this was perfect and Katara would remember it lovingly for the rest of her life, but even her natural little sister sadism wouldn’t stretch that far. “Toph, please bring him back here.”
———
“Toph, let me out of the rock! I need my eyes!”
———
“Wait... what?”
———
“What do you mean it’s not a medical condition?!”
———
“What do you mean it’s a prosthetic!?!”
———
“YOU LET ME THROW THE SEAL JERKY AWAY!”
———
“Okay,” Sokka said calmly, two hours and a lot of yelling later. “That was a very cruel prank and I’m never forgiving any of you.”
“Shut up, Snoozles,” Toph scoffed.“There are more important things than your dignity. For example,” she turned to Zuko with a huge grin, “can I touch it?”
“It’s been in his head!” Sokka screeched. Apparently the dramatics were back on. “It has head goo on it!”
Katara frowned. “Sokka, how do you think bodies work?”
“Please?” Toph begged, giving very impressive polar-puppy-dog eyes for someone who couldn’t see. “No one ever lets me touch their real eyes.”
“Because you’re a menace,” Katara scoffed.
“Please, Sparky?”
“Ugh, fine,” Zuko sighed. “Give me a second.”
It occurred to everyone a moment too late that, oh yeah, if anyone was going to spontaneously invent glassbending, it would be Toph.