Bachelor Episode 5 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Oh Journeyers, oh my sweet Journeyers. My deepest apologies for the bit of hiatus, but fear not, I've been watching all the drama and faux-mance for you. It's been quite the eventful couple of episodes, but it's amounted to SIX HOURS, so hunker down, grab a gallon of wine, and let's get started.

This week we're finally out of the Bachelor Mansion and traveling to Montana. There will be a group date, a one-on-one, and dun-dun-DUUUUUN A TWO-ON-ONE!

Over some powerful pretty shots of Montana, Sean shares that he can't wait to see "the women" because he already misses "them" and can't wait to spend more time with "them" this week. It's a rare occurrence of me actually being grossed out by the fact that this guy literally has nine girlfriends at once right now.

Catherine makes a heart with her arms and does all the work for me. This show parodies itself.

Despite Tierra's saint-like "patience" the one-on-one goes to Lindsay who has a seizure upon hearing the news. I'm kidding about the seizure, but she literally does cry about it.

The date card read "Let love soar" and in a truly shocking turn of events, they are traveling by helicopter on the Bachelor! Unprecedented levels of romance here. "It's that a helicopter?" Lindsay the substitute teacher squeals!

They land for a picnic on the Blackfeet Indian Reservation at Glacier National Park which is just a whole LOT of desecration of some really important land in our nation's history. But by all means Lindsay, continue squealing about Sean and your family on it.

Over drinks later they have a deep talk in which Lindsay says how scared she was as an "adolescent" because her dad was in the army overseas. And while that is a hardship I can't even imagine, she keeps saying "adolescence" and it's WEIRD and substitute teacher-y. Then they make out. She gets the rose.

And THEN they have a surprise in the center of downtown Whitefish, Montana is a concert from C-list country recording artist Sarah Darling. This episode is a perfect episode to complete the Bachelor drinking game. They slow dance, and Sean giggles almost as much as Linds.

Over on the group date, the girls greet Sean for a day of outdoorsmanship in the form of a deranged relay race! True to form. the winning team continues on the group date, the losers go home, and I think Selma might actually be a doll come to life.

Daniella has absolutely no chance in this thing, but she is so dumb and special to me. On first sight of the goats they will soon be milking (yes.), she goes, "Are those dogs?" Yes, Daniella, the goats are dogs.

Once again, there is an extremely physical challenge happening on a group-date for Sarah, the girl with one arm, and once again she’s forced to talk about how having one-arm isn’t going to hold her back.

Both Dez and Leslie have mentioned how willing they are to chug fresh goat milk in order to spend more time with Sean. It’s part of the relay race, and it’s kind of funny, but mostly just terribly, terribly sad. Ladies, Sean should be chugging goat milk to spend time with YOU. Or you know what? Let’s all be equal and if chugging goat milk is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, do it together. Come on now.

It’s an exciting race (it isn’t), and in a shocking (not shocking) finale, the Red Team pulls up from a slow start to win it all. The best part is Chris Harrison is live commenting on the events like it’s an actual sporting event. “Try to get that rhythm down. Find your rhythm,” he encourages as the girls saw a log and I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Dez chugged the milk like a champ even though it was warm and came out her nose. She is adorable. The blue team are sad puppies who wish their boyfriend didn’t make them perform feats of strength to get close to him.

Sean is heartbroken at the cocktail party that he had to send those Blue girls home, and so he says JOURNEY and bends the rules. The blue team is coming back to the party to spend their important getting-to-know-you time with Sean! AHHHHHALJFASLDJLSK! They scamper to get ready.

Trouble is afoot though when Sean tells the red team that he invited the blue team over. The girls feel like all their hard work was for naught, but Sean realizes how stupid and arbitrary a game to spend time with him is if he’s sincerely looking for love.

So, when Tierra first heard about getting her precious two-on-one, she was ecstatic in her psychotic way. Now that the blue team gets to go back on THEIR group date, she feels upset and mislead. She thinks Sean should know just how patiently she’s been waiting, and is going to go hunt him down.

So Tierra sneaks up behind him while he’s being interviewed by one of the producers about the night. She does that never hilarious hilarious thing where she puts her hand over his eyes and says in his name in the most serial-killer way. He’s happy (I think?) to see her anyway.

They have a little chat outside on a bench, and she expresses how she came all the way to Montana (on ABCs dime) to spend time with him, and a two-on-one feels like a slap in the face. He just basically tells her to calm the eff down and sends her on her merry way.

Oh well, the party goes on. Dez’s time is quickly interrupted by AshLee and it’s all very stupid. It’s the dumbest. He kisses all of them and we see his tongue a lot. Daniella probably had too much to drink and cries about the fact that she can’t weasel her way into having time with Sean. They have disgusting, slurpy kisses. And she gets the date rose. Robyn is pissed. Did you forget Robyn was here? Me too.

Time for the two-on-one show down. Sean is thrilled to have time with Jackie (remember her? Don’t worry about it) and Tierra. Tierra is thrilled to be on a date with her “husband” and go horse-back riding! Sean and Tierra leave Jackie and her slow-poke horse behind.

Jackie is very pretty and very sweet, but she just doesn’t have it with him. She brings up Tierra and how she was very flirtatious with a guy at the airport. I appreciate her being specific about negative sides to Tierra, but she wasted her time talking about that!

The dinner on this date is so awkward and Sean speaks aloud what they all feel about wishing they could be anywhere else. So, on their one-on-one Tierra opens up about a past relationship with a guy who passed away after a battle with addiction. If this is true, this is truly sad. An honestly hard thing to go through, but I can also see why she’s so dramatic about everything because she only knew a dramatic relationship for her formative five year relationship. It also screams codependency to me.

Tierra gets the rose. Jackie is sad. Then Sean and Tierra watch fireworks lakeside.

To the cameras Tierra lifts her rose and says, “Hey! Two-on-one!” and laughs and I worry about their safety. There’s a producer named Cassie whom I feel kindred to and I’m worried about her whenever Tierra laughs her psycho laugh.

At the start of the cocktail party, the producers do my favorite thing. They pan slowly over a taxidermy scene of a coyote standing over the body of a dead pheasant. It’s as if to say Tierra will soon kill them all and stand over their bodies victorious. HA HA!

Sean and Dez have a weird conversation where she seems to fall from favor a little. I hate that. She’s the best. Don’t be an idiot, Sean!

Shockingly, while the girls are talking about how they’re sad Jackie is gone, Tierra clomps off in her high heels to completely isolate herself. “No one is jealous of that!” Daniella accurately says of Tierra’s little bitch fits. Robyn and Tierra argue more. Then while Tierra is yelling and swearing at them all, Sean walks right by and hears it all. But guys. You won’t believe it. The best part is that what he hears her saying is “I will bite. I am a scorpio. My stinger does come out when I’m pissed.” YOU GUYS HE HEARS HER SAYING HOW MUCH SHE RESEMBLES HER ZODIAC. HASHTAG BLESSED.

Sean is shocked that Tierra could be an angry and psychotic person. “I’m not a drama person at all,” are real words that Tierra says to Sean which is the marker of a person who loves and lives for drama.

In the end, Sean sends home Robyn because we all forgot she was here and all she ever did was provoke Tierra. Can't say I'm sad to see her go, but I wish her all the best in life.

Ok! That's one down, two to go! Check in tomorrow for more recap and romantic fun! KISSES (with no tongue because GROSS, SEAN).