Bachelor Episode 7 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

"I wish I was a little dumber."

Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn – WELCOME TO MIAMI ¡BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI! In those, the immortal words of the bard Will Smith, I welcome you to this week’s Bachelor recap. Let’s turn on the heat.

Juan Pablo is jumping out of his skin excited to see Camila for the first time in weeks. His little “chiquiturri” runs into his arms and clings on like a koala bear. She is very cute. They swim a little and hang with the fam. Cousin Rodolfo has hilarious adult braces.

 But now it’s time for the girls to arrive. They are really excited to be in Juan Pablo’s home town because next week is their hometown date. The pressure is on. Everyone is feeling it, but the swanky suite with free bikinis is probably easing the pain. JuanPa arrives to hand deliver the date card to Sharleen. She is very uncomfortable but excited for the “Come Sea my City” date.

Sharleen is doubting things right out of the gate. She expresses that she does feel a connection with him on certain levels, but that they are sorely lacking the “cerebral connection that [she] so need[s]”. Which is a really diplomatic way of saying that Sharleen is REALLY SMART and Juan Pablo is a little stupid.

Before the date starts, the girls sit around on their veranda and talk about how strange it is that Sharleen and he have a relationship at all. They share that she normally goes for really intellectual almost nerdy guys, and I’m like yes. Yes Sharleen. This is why we’re friends.

But the date is a low key but luxurious day on a yacht. I would be ok with that date. They snuggle and make out a lot. Sharleen feels attracted to him and that the sexual chemistry is there, but her big old brain won’t shut up that this guy, in the long run, doesn’t get her. As the date moves onto a private island beach, she tells him about her job as an opera singer and how that would play into them potentially having a relationship. She’s again, super diplomatic, and doesn’t give a definite answer. Basically Sharleen is open to change. Which means she doesn’t want to get his hopes up if she might be going home early because Juan Pablo no es muy intelligente.

Juan Pablo is so into her though! He really wants to meet her parents! He was even telling cousin Rodolfo earlier that she might be the one! But he’s not good enough for her! They kiss SO gross! They are the worst kissers ever! She is honest with him about not feeling 100% sure about him meeting her family and he tells her that she makes him feel smarter and that he admires her honesty.

And I’m on board until she says, “I wish I was a little dumber…that’d be so much nicer.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT JOHN GREEN “THE VENN DIAGRAM OF BOYS WHO DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS AND BOYS YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE IS A CIRCLE.” OH GOD. I’M CLUTCHING MY BRAIN. NO SHARLEEN. NO. NEVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN FOR ANY MAN. BEING SMART IS NOT A HANDICAP IN FINDING LOVE.

Which is why she says, “The little voice in my head is telling me that it’s not right.” Follow that voice Sharleen. When she gets home to the hotel, she runs immediately to talk to Renee because of course. Renee is a therapist. Even after sage counsel from Renee, Sharleen is still completely torn over what to do.

Nikki gets the next one-on-one date much to Chelsie’s chagrin. Chelsie feels like Nikki is always so negative about things, case in point, when the date card indicates dancing Nikki immediately groans and says “I thought I paid my dancing dues in Korea!” On the one hand, yeah that’s negative; on the other hand, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows about having to go dancing.

They meet up at a flower shop to pick out flowers. They are picking out flowers to bring to Camila’s dance recital. That seems…like a big step. Emily Maynard tortured herself over not brining anyone into Ricki’s life. Nikki is not only meeting Camila but also his mom and dad and ALSO CAMILA’S MOM. This seems like the kind of meeting that shouldn’t be televised. Nikki is really nervous. As she should be.

Camila’s mom is a BABE. She is outrageously beautiful. The introductions are fine and kind. Camila is adorable as she sings her solo and does her dance. These kids are precious. But a little too precious. I feel pandered to with their adorableness.

Nikki is really good with Camila when they meet despite Camila’s shyness. Everyone in the family seems genuinely kind to Nikki despite how strange the circumstances are. Ok. I feel good about that you guys. I mean as good as one can feel about a child being put on TV as her dad tromps around the world making out with women left and right all in hopes of finding her a new mom.

The dinner portion of the date is at Marlin’s park which Juan Pablo calls his office. This is, in a sense, true. They play catch on the field and Nikki is in quite the high hemmed, low-cute dress to be tossing a baseball around. I think she brought the dress in expectation of going salsa dancing, so she’s probably a little uncomfortable laying on a picnic blanket in it.

“When it comes to Juan Pablo planning this date for me, he definitely hit a home run,” Nikki admits. The rest of the date goes well. Nothing much to say there.

Wow wow wow we are diving right into Sharleen gathering the women around to explain why she is leaving. They are all like “why are you fancy?” and confused. They really say that! “Why are you fancy?” Let’s all say that to each other sometimes. She doesn’t think it’s fair for her to take a spot of one of the other girls who is sure of the future with Juan Pablo. She’s pretty beat up about it. I feel for her. I do. She is a strong woman though, and will make it through.

She steels herself to knock on the door and then walks right in when he opens the door. As they sit on the couch you can tell that she’s fighting back tears.  She starts to whisper all this stuff and finally manages to get the real issue out “I just don’t that I can get to the place that I’m supposed to be at in three weeks time.” She continues to whisper about things she’s already told us about being unsure and taking another girl's spot etc, etc.

Juan Pablo says he understands. But does he?! Does he? Because he does that thing AGAIN where he demands that she look at him and then also demands that she not cry. “Hey don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me. Don’t cry because of me because that make me upset at you,” he says. OH really? How comforting. Thank you for instructing me on how to process my emotions and GUILT TRIPPING me into not crying. Let the woman cry, Juan Pablo GOD.

“Even though it’s not easy, you got to know yourself better,” he tells her. Now that is actually a good sentiment. “You didn’t waste my time at all…If you did not come here, I would not meet you, and I would not see how wonderful you are.” Ok we’re doing better here. He seems like an actually nice guy. “The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn’t sing enough for me,” he jokes. And they laugh. And then she leaves. It’s sad.

Juan Pablo cries to camera as he tells Sharleen how much he appreciates her being honest and courageous and a strong woman. It’s the first time all season I’ve actually really liked him.

But the Group Date and show must go on for Chelsie, Andi, Clare, and Renee. What sets the group date apart from the one-on-one is that on this date there will be a rose given out that guarantees a hometown date. Everyone’s hackles immediately go up. They want to take Juan Pablo to their hometowns!

The girls hop into a sea plane to have a day at a private beach. I think it’s the same private beach from Sharleen’s date. I mean a private beach is a private beach but no one wants sloppy private beach seconds, right?

Chelsie shares some alone time first. Her mom sent her off to the show with a stack of letters, so she shares some of them with JP. She is so bright and fun. You can tell he likes that about her, but is it enough? They seem to have the least advanced relationship out of all the other women.

Then Andi starts to cry immediately upon sitting down with Juan Pablo. He clicks his tongue at her before hugging her to make her feel better? Like she’s a dog during a thunderstorm? She’s just worried about him meeting her family.  He calms her down right quick with some kisses and platitudes. What a guy.

Clare is obviously at about a 13. On a beach. If you can’t keep your energy below a ten on a beach where can you be chill?! WHERE, CLARE?! She is putting a lot of pressure on herself, and so of course she cries when talking to Juan Pablo about her family. She brings up the Dead Dad DVD again. I’m so, so worried about her showing him that DVD and then him dumping her. I can just sense this all happening.

Then the rain sets in, and the big reveal of the date rose. It goes to Andi. I’m excited. Even though Andi has faded from my favorite, I like her for Juan Pablo right now. Clare is furious. She just doesn’t understand why she’s even there when he’s going on dates with all these other women. CLARE. YOU HAD A DATE LAST WEEK. ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGET? Clare makes me really caps-y. This episode makes me really caps-y.

Anyways, now Andi gets to go on a special one-on-one in South Beach with Juan Pablo. They are going to have a dance concert with Romeo Santos. They start dancing on stage in front of everyone. Andi is really bad at dancing. Also I’m worried about her right boob popping out of her dress the whole time.

But dun dun DUNNNN back from the group date, Clare is still having a hissy fit back at the suite. “I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish,” Clare says. She’s feeling feisty and is not hiding her disdain for Nikki one little bit. So Nikki calls her out. And the gloves come off. Chelsie and Renee are caught in the middle feeling suuuuper awkward. Nikki, wisely, walks away to pull herself out of a dramatic situation.

So Clare decides that this is the final straw and she shall finally confront Nikki for being a bitch! Nikki is taken aback. Let’s also start this whole portion of the recap by saying I’m Team Nikki. I think she seems pretty normal, and maybe I’m not around her like the other women are, but I don’t think she’s a “mean girl” or a “bitch” at all.

Clare is being super combative and Nikki is trying to actually talk things through. But Clare is out for blood and Nikki finally cuts it off by saying “Clare, I don’t like you. We’re never going to be friends, so you can just excuse yourself from my room”. Clare no likey. Clare begins to have an argument about semantics that this room is NOT Nikki’s room that it’s EVERYONE’S suite and because Nikki didn’t pay for it, it’s not her room. Which is so childish and stupid I can barely believe it’s happening. No, Nikki didn’t pay for the room CLARE, but she’s allowed to have personal space.

Clare finally excuses herself by saying “you’re a piece of work Nikki” and Clare responds with “and you’re f***ing crazy”. Nikki ends it by telling us that Clare, like a dog, “marked a piece of territory that might not be hers.” Which is kind of a mean girl thing to say, but I really don’t like Clare and even though Nikki is kind of “whatever” to me, I’m on her side with this. Clare needs a Xanax, like, yesterday.

Everyone besides Andi is incredibly nervous. Nikki is making things more awkward than they need to be by being stand offish. She could make things easier on herself I think. She and Clare sit in complete silence at one point. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Then Andi joins. And Renee joins. And the silence continues. Renee is feeling the tension. Renee! Queen of conflict resolution and good feelings Renee is having issues.

But blessedly, Chris Harrison arrives to pull Juan Pablo away and get this rose ceremony show on the road.

Quick sidebar: Are Clare’s boobs fake? They seem huge but are always separate and never fully “cleaved” together? Does that mean they are fake or so real that she lets them be naturally weird?

Ok! First rose goes to: Nikki (duh, she knew it all along), then Clare (because drama), and now the last rose is between Renee and Chelsie. Please God, let it be Renee. Nothing against you as a person Chels, you’re really sweet, but Renee is the best. And it is! It is Renee! Thank goodness. Even though I’m starting to think Renee might be too good for Juan Pablo, she deserves to make it farther in this competition.

Chelsie tears up and Juan Pablo starts to cry. It’s very emotional. Hey JuanPa, what if I told you you aren’t allowed to cry right now?! How would that feel?! He pulls Chelsie away to give her a more formal goodbye. But Chelsie continues to be her positive, wonderful self by saying that he’s wonderful and how she wants them both to have the best match out there. She waits until the fateful limo to fully break down. And then Juan Pablo cries some more. Yes Juan Pablo. See how good it feels to cry? Let other people have that feeling.

Holy cow, though. Next week is two episodes two nights in a row. We have hometowns right on Monday at the regularly scheduled time, and then on Tuesday we have what promises to be an extremely dramatic fantasy suite episode! Yes! I can’t wait you guys, even though it means double recaps. I’ll see you on Wednesday! And follow me on Twitter @chasspod already; it’ll be fun for us. Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Guys this is a lot of hours of tv I've recapped in the last three days. I've spread it out over the week, but really I hunkered down and did all six hours of the Bachelor within about 18 hours, and holy crap I am tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes and real quick listen to "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to pump me up.

Ok. Here I am. Back and ready to go. When last we left our heroes, they were en route to the Virgin Islands for some fun in the sun and for things with Tierra to reach their boiling point.

Sean just continues to be a tame lil' rebel and breaks the rules by arriving in St. Croix with the other women as they arrive by sea plane. He departs and the ladies set up in their hotel suite and plan all the fun times they'll have. While they chirp, Tierra set up a roll-away cot in one of the rooms because she's "not friends with girls who like her boyfriend." And needs space to focus on Sean. This is all completely normal and healthy behavior that is only to be expected of a woman mature and at a place in her life where she's ready to get married. JUST KIDDING TIERRA IS FULL BLOWN PSYCHO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PANS OUT.

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date. She’s super excited because the card said “let’s get carried away” and she “always gets carried away with Sean. If not physically, then emotionally.” Don’t let him physically carry you places, Ashlee. Be your own woman.

Tierra sings a nice little song called “the cougar’s back in town” about AshLee and how at 32, she is so old she’s useless to society and wonders what’s wrong with AshLee that a modern, independent woman with a successful career is not yet married and the mother of many babies.

There is no rose on the one-on-one because HOLY CRAP, the hometown dates are next week. Things are heating up! Where has the time gone? Let’s get Tierra the f*ck out of here, Sean!

As the cameras pan over AshLee stripping down to her bikini, Sean voices over how proud he was that AshLee let him blindfold her in Canada and show her vulnerability like only someone who planned a stunt down to a tee can. They take a catamaran out to their own private island for fun in the sun sexy times.

Cut to Lesley, Catherine, Dez, and Lindsay cackling like crows and discussing what else, Tierra. It’s an accurate and candid moment of girls talking about another girl behind her back. Then AshLee on the beach (while it drizzles? Is it raining?) tells Sean the details of why they don’t like Tierra and what her problems are. It’s pretty straight forward, and honest, not cruel. And he seems to take it kind of well? I’m not sure. His simple mind is hard to read.

When Tierra FINALLY gets her one-on-one date card, she is none too pleased to discover that they’ll be walking the streets of St. Croix. I mean the bugs are attacking her and her (METRIC TON OF) makeup dripping off doesn’t sound special enough. Tierra Hulk about to make appearance.

AshLee wears a crop top and floral sarong (???) to the ocean-side dinner with Sean. He immediately asks a hard-hitter, if there’s anything they haven’t covered about her family that they need to. Dramatic pause. She has a bomb to drop and they drag out that dropping as long as possible.

Turns out AshLee is a divorcee! She got married at seventeen when she was a junior in high school and was divorced the next year! Yikes! I thought she maybe had three secret kids (no way she would’ve talked about those guys constantly) or maybe like killed a guy and went to jail for a bit. But she’s still just as ashamed as if she had killed a guy. Sean tells her he thinks she’s perfect just the way she is and that she isn’t broken. That’s nice. It’s the truth. But still nice to reiterate that being divorced in no way makes you a broken and ruined human person.

Then AshLee stands up and says, “Are you ready?” And Sean replies, “For what?” And boy, did he have no idea what was coming because AshLee then screams, “HELLO ST. CROOOOOIIIIX!” and he likes this game because he does the same thing! Then they play some more and she says, “Ready?” and he says, “For what?!” and she takes a deep breath and screams, “I LOVE SEAAAAN!” From atop her chair. On an island. On TV. Just as those words were meant to be said. God, those words just seem to be a wee bit premature.

It’s finally here, y’all: time for the Reign of Tierra’s first one-on-one date. Sean’s “got a lot of questions for her” as well he should. Remember on Emily’s season when so many of the dates just consisted of two people wandering around a strange city and shopping? This is as boring as that only worse because Tierra is here and she’s complaining all the way and demanding fig body lotion to which Sean says “I bet you like soaps and body lotions, huh?” which OH MY GOD. GREAT BANTER. GOOD FIRST DATE TALKING POINTS, YOU MIMBO.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some wine or something, but I’m just really caps-y and really giggly at how horrendous this whole this is. She is bedecked is stupid tourist trinkets that Sean (ABC) bought for her. “It means a lot” she nods to camera. No, it doesn’t.

Then there’s an impromptu parade with some locals festooned in traditional garb. Sean and Tierra dance in the street and look happy. I wish the feathered locals would carry Tierra off into the jungle and never return.

Simple Sean is incredibly confused as to how he could enjoy spending time with someone like Tierra so much, and still know all the things he knows about how everyone on planet Earth hates her. They sit down with some snow-cones to discuss just that. Tierra immediately lies her pretty little face off, then tells the cameras she will be incredibly pissed if she finds out some girl threw her under the bus.

They move onto dinner, and Tierra jumps right into setting the vibe right from earlier when she could tell Sean was turned off. “I did feel like there was a little distant from you and I don’t know what it was caused from,” Tierra tells a stone faced Sean. She is a sculptor of words. Sean admits that his distance is due to the drama with all the other girls.

Moments later, on a moonlit dock, Tierra seizes the moment to tell Sean how much she cares for him, and feels for him, then smiles showing all her teeth which is a sign of aggression in monkeys, then kisses him, then pulls him into a hug to whisper “I’m falling in love with you” and I google information about filing restraining orders on other people’s behalf. They smush face kiss a lot. He doesn’t seem into it a lot.

This next part. I can’t even. At 4:42 am Sean creeps into the girls’ room with a flashlight and a camera because he knows how much girls hate being seen without makeup, but he really wanted to see that, so he just stole their pictures upon first waking up. That is such a brilliantly horrible idea. I want to know which producer thought that up, sold it to Sean, and then actually helped carry that out. So I can punch that person.

Despite getting off to a rocky and in perhaps criminal start, this date actually sounds pretty awesome. They got up so early to race to the top of a hill to watch the sun rise from the Eastern most point in the United States, and through the day they’ll be traveling across the whole island to then watch the sun set. This is actually a love idea and fun a group activity.

The first stop on the Virgin Island road trip journey to love is a sugar mill and I’m pretty sure that’s where Sean and Tierra had their date last night so…less exciting. Then they go feed a random donkey! Then they go to a magical place called “Café” where they drink tropical drinks. Then they go to a tree house in the jungle where Dez monopolizes Sean’s time being adorable, and Lindsay and Catherine are sad about it.

They make it to the beach where they’ll watch the sunset and every girl freaks out about the rose because it means he’ll meet her family. I kind of care, but Sean is getting tan and freckly and better looking and I want to look at him more than at Lindsay cooing.

Obligatory Bachelor shot of a wild bird! They did it! Mark the calendar everybody. The wild bird shot has been completed episode 7.

Sean and Lindsay have a good beach talk about how even though she was insane and wore a wedding dress on the first night, they really like each other. While avoiding eye contact the whole time, Catherine tells Sean that if he comes home he won’t meet her dad because when she was 14 he tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters. Like, Catherine! That is relevant to your love life! That is relevant to shaping who you are as a person not a tree falling in Brooklyn! Anyways, her vulnerability and honesty make Sean like her even more. They are bunnies.

Cut to Lesley and AshLee talking sh*t about Tierra on the veranda, but Tierra can hear the whole thing! AshLee doesn’t think Tierra has the nerve to confront her, but boy is she in for a surprise.

Dez continues to be adorable by crying about how much she loves her family and wants Sean to meet them. I don’t hate her at all for this. Based on what she’s said about her upbringing, her family sounds like they are full of love and made it through hard times. Yay, Dez.

So after two heartfelt talks and one play-date, Sean gives the rose to his infant friend Lindsay. I bet she really hates having that zit right about now. The other two girls are visibly bummed out. Don’t worry girls. I think he really likes you both.

So now it’s time for Lesley’s one-on-one. Sean doesn’t want to get caught up in the glamour of a fancy Bachelor date, so he wants to take her somewhere beautiful and just talk. This does not bode well for Lesley maybe. They have a chill date wandering a ruined rum factory that has fruit trees growing all over. Intensely beautiful.

They sit down for lunch and talk about what meeting her family would be like. Lesley decides not to tell Sean she’s falling in love with him. She is so smart and lovely, but Sean is worried that she’s tense and not confident in their relationship. Even though they kiss a little, Sean thinks their relationship just moves a little slower than the others.

Due to the weight of the decisions he’ll be making this week, Sean’s sister Shay comes to town to give a little sisterly advice. This is good! Nothing like someone who cares about you to come in and level with you about the bat-shit crazy girl you’re keeping close company with.

Shay is direct and honest and I like her. She wastes no time asking tough questions like do you want to marry any of them? Have any of them told you they love you? Is there that totally sucks that is drawing you in? Shay then says the family’s worst fear would be for that last thing to happen. That the terrible girl is the one he ends up with and then he ends up getting hurt.

Tierra and AshLee throw down time! They start off seated on opposite couches, very calmly discussing their dates. Tierra tells her he was distant and knows it was AshLee who said something to him.

Oh my god this is amazing. They are overlaying AshLee and Tierra’s fight with Sean and Shay talking about how Tierra has been the name that all the other girls bring up as a bad person with bad intentions.

AshLee holds her own and manages to keep somewhat calm as she rips Tierra to shreds. Tierra FLIES off the handle and keeps brinigng up AshLee’s age into the argument. AshLee just says Tierra’s character is bad, and that’s just true. She doesn’t say “you’re a bitch”, she says she has bad character. Which I respect and like.

Shay reminds Sean that her only piece of advice going into this was “don’t end up with the girl that nobody likes.” BOOM. THIS IS SO GOOD.

The argument has moved to the budoir where Lesley and Catherine are laying on the bed intently listening to every word.

Here are just direct quote highlights from Tierra:

“Raised eyebrow?! AshLee that’s my face! I have had no botox, no nothing, so I can’t help that.”

“They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Tierra you have a sparkle! Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.’” AHHHHHHHHH;LAJDFJASKLJFOWUEROADS;LFJSPARKLEAKLSJDOIEWORUAOSJDF;LAJSDFJAWIOERJAJDF;LASJDFI;AJSPARKLEEEEE

“I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!”

Ok so now Sean thinks he should go grab Tierra and maybe Shay will see something he doesn’t see. This is perfect. This is too good.

Sean arrives to find all the girls sitting in their living room silently, and goes to look for Tierra. When he finds her she is crying with her head down, so he says her name to get her attention and she FLIPS her head and ponytail up like a jack-in-the-box. I cackled so hard, y’all.

Sean is all “wtf?” with why she’s acting like this. He’s like “let’s go meet someone” and she’s like “I’m so sensitive and special. This is so hard for me.” As she sits there crying and using words like “sabotage” we see the realization hit him like a semi-truck. Shay doesn’t need to meet her anymore because he all of the sudden totally gets it. This is a crazy person, and most importantly, not the crazy person who deserves his love!

She cries some more, and Sean tells her to sit tight and walks away. “This is turning into a nightmare,” he tells us. He is thinking as hard as his little brain will let him think about all this.

He comes back in and says tells her how he wanted her to meet his sister, so she obviously starts sobbing and clings to him with all her tiny strength. He then says that because he cares so much about her, he thinks it would be best if she goes home now. Yes, Sean. Yes, Sean. Yes, yes, Sean. Positive decision making skills under fire!

He walks her down the resort path of doom and asks, “are you gonna be ok?” to which she crinkles up her face like a troll and says “No. I’m not.” Yes you are, dummy. Everyone ends up ok. As soon as he slams the van door shut she sobs out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Oh sweetie, you did this all to yourself.

As the rose ceremony begins, none of the women have any idea what has happened to Tierra or what is going on. They speculate wildly, not knowing he’s completed their dreams. Sean tells them what happened and then clarified that he did not like drama and stared AshLee in the face. She freaks the eff out. He decides to go straight into the rose ceremony with no talking beforehand.

With Lindsay already safe, there are only three roses to go out for the hometown dates. He calls Dez first. Then Catherine gets her rose. We have the front runners. Now it’s last rose time. Down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee. In the moment we cut to Lesley, she looks sad and young. She has years ahead of her. She’ll be fine.

Weirdly, Catherine is really upset because she doesn’t understand why he’d send Lesley home when they have so much in common. I don’t know, Catherine. Don’t question it too hard?

THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE. I am done. I’m gonna go eat food and watch some scripted TV. I’ll be back on regular schedule next week, until then, keep journeying, journeyers.