Dark Thoughts - Blog Posts
Tightrope Walker
I’m struggling,
Stumbling like a failing tightrope walker
I turn and want to blame someone
For sabotaging the rope,
For distracting me
But there’s no one but me
I abandoned safety net and balancing pole
Instead there’s darkness waiting should I fall
There’s no way of knowing what’s down there
Should I tumble, would I crack?
Should I fall, would I break?
Should I jump, would I
Die
Mourning Dead Days
The days
I expect them, wait for them
And when they pass, I realise
They're dead days
Gone and lost,
Rotten days
And of them too many,
That have been too much
I mourn them still
Sometimes it would be nice to step out of one's body and observe
To no longer having to feel and experience things
pain
And it whispers
Maybe I do remember.
The quiet thoughts in dark corners during rainy days or sunny mornings.
I remember losing. Losing against thoughts that snuck up on me.
Is that form beside me a friend? It whispers to me, like a friend would, like we share a secret.
It’s the secret to why I feel like this. The whispers are heavy when they reach my ears. Words with weight to them.
My knees shake. It’s cold. It's the rain. Is it the light breeze? There’s sun. We’re holding hands. We’re holding hands. We’re holding hands.
I don’t know what’s gripping me. I don’t know what’s holding me down.
I can’t stand up.
It won’t let me go. It’s in my legs, in my arms. Weight, so much weight. It holds my hand. And it whispers.
I sit here and put words on a paper that I otherwise do not dare to say. I don’t know who to talk to. When I mention what I think about I get told that it’s only because things are just not going my way right now. Funny. I suppose things haven’t been going my way last year either. Or the year before that. Or the year before. I don’t remember not feeling like this. These words, there the same. For years now. I’m writing them down because I’m unable to say them to anyone.
I’ve reached out for help before. Got weird looks from people when I told them that I need to talk to someone. Got told that they wouldn’t be able to help me because I just needed to get over this. Everyone feels like this once in a while.
I went there once. Got told I felt like this because I’m not taking control over my life. The situation was uncomfortable. I didn’t go a second time. They asked for feedback afterwards. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for not listening, I still don’t know how to not hate myself. How to not cry. How to make my chest stop hurting. How to stop feeling like I’m drowning.
Now the thought of talking to someone is even scarier. I don’t like to talk to people anyway. What if I take all my courage and ask for help again, only to be told it’s my own fault? I know it’s my fault. I tell myself that every day. I don’t need another person telling me the same.
Potential
Hush
Too far, too wide, too fast
Not yet
Don’t go
Don’t, won’t
Don’t, can’t
Not now
Beware
Hush now
Haven’t done, won’t do
Couldn’t do, won’t do
What can I do?
Can’t do
And can’t and can’t and can’t
I’m scared
Don’t ask
Wastefulness
I don’t
know
I don’t know
how to stop
Stop the tears from falling
Stop the fears from showing
Stop a life from being wasted
Please stop me
Stop me from wasting my life
Stop wasting a life on me
Summer Blues
I miss the cold
The foggy air, the gloomy sky
The grey clouds
For a short time my feelings appear justified
When the snow covers the ground
When the cold winds make people shiver
I don’t feel like a burden
People start talking about winter blues
And I believe my blues are less unusual
It’s the dry air that hurts on the skin
Which makes me hope that it’s normal to hurt within
And when the sun comes out
Flowers bloom, people laugh
I feel more alone
I want romance. I want laughter. I want the 3am love making. I want consistency. I want loyalty. I want the random looks of admiration. I want to know you're just for me. I want date nights and flowers. I want truth. I want priority. I want love that's pure and calming.