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The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 1 Recap

This is it you guys. This is part one of the EPIC two part finale for our girl Desiree as the Bachelorette. Will she find love? Will she be left alone? What the heck happens to make everyone cry? Why does Des just want to go home?! Will the guys be dorks in Antigua? Answers to all this (and more!) in the coming HOURS of TV. I've got my orange vodka lemonade at the ready, so here. we. go.

The tropical paradise of Antigua will play host to the remaining three guys this week. The producers kick off with the requisite relationship recap for all three guys. There is nothing exceptional to note except that Desiree is very open about how her feelings for Brooks are above and beyond what she feels for the other two men. “He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me for me to know. It’s unspoken,” Desiree confides, and this makes me worry, worry, worry.

Drew has his date first, so let’s get that out of the way. Everyone keeps saying it “an-TEE-gah”, and I’m pretty sure it’s “an-TEE-gwa” so that will irritate me all episode. (hey guys I looked it up afterwards and they’re both correct but ending in –gah is technically more correct. The more you know!) They explore the island together and do adorable things. Desiree can’t help but enjoy how handsome Drew is in the face and the body. The emotional connection doesn’t seem to be the strongest but surely the physical side of things is strong. Heyo pulling off on the side of the road for kissy kissy!

There’s a festival with local people and music and arts and crafts. The couple has a lot of fun doing the limbo, so they could have a lot of fun doing absolutely anything, probably. The limbo is the living worst. From a hilltop at sunset they have a tropical fruit picnic and talk about how nice it was to meet his family. “I would get on a knee today and ask her to marry me,” says Drew. I’m sure you are Drew, but you are the underdog in this race for sure.

Now it’s night time and it’s raining on the beach and the two lovers cannot stop kissing despite the precipitation. Des is wearing some breezy patterned palazzo pants. Dinner on the beach gets rained out which leads them straight to the fantasy suite. Drew is so cute. He is adorable and handsome all at the same time. He is thrilled to death about waking up in the morning next to Desiree. There are also some terrifying nature night sounds happening around them that sound like a whistling hellscape. Are they bugs? Are they birds? Frogs? Demons? What?

When Desiree talks about how important being assertive and being a good communicator is to her, Drew tells her that he would be ready to get down on one knee tomorrow, any time. He loves her and is determined about it. They kiss sitting across from each other on the bed until Drew tells them it’s time to go.

Cut to Brooks in Boise, Idaho deeply contemplating what the implications of an overnight date with Desiree could mean. Brooks says that he does feel like he could love her, but is not in a stage where he can really say it. That’s why he’s in Boise: to get some guidance from his family on the week ahead.

“The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable,” Brooks tells his mom and sister among other misgivings about his feelings for Des. Mom and sis give some good advice about what he should feel and know about this woman before taking the big step of proposal. Brooks is still so conflicted though because he feels that Desiree is such an incredible woman but still doesn’t know what to do. I wish that Brooks didn’t have the pressure of a MANDATORY proposal weighing him down and could take the relationship more slowly like a normal human person.

“A hard conversation now, is a lot better than a horrible one later,” he states. While being so conflicted, he decides to follow through and see Desiree on the date to see where the feelings go. The reservations and worry is written plain across his sweet face. His mom and sister support whatever decision he makes, even if it’s the hard one (guys. I think it’s gonna be the hard one). And he’s off to Antigua!

Obviously saving all the drama for last, Chris has his date next. He’s such a sweet lil peach. Desiree is wearing yet another pair of breezy palazzo pants. That’s too many pairs of palazzo pants, Des. And this awful crocheted vest over bikini top that’s happening? Who did this to you? Why do they hate you? Please stop the hatred and palazzo pants.

OH MY GOSH YAY YOU GUYS THERE’S A HELICOPTER RIDE! SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN SORELY LACKING THIS SEASON! Chris is more excited than he’s EVER been to be in a chopper with his lady Des. This guy has extreme amounts of childlike wonder, and I ain’t mad about it.

The chopper takes them to a private beach on Barbuda to have a picnic. Then they make out on the beach as the waves splash around them. Des likes Chris a lot and feels very strongly for him on a few levels. “Chris would make a perfect husband,” she says. She doesn’t say a perfect husband for her yet, but it could work out. I just like them a lot as a couple, and if Brooks is going to bow out like it appears he might, I would want her to go with Chris. Much as I love looking at Drew, I see more of a multidimensional person in Chris. Same goes for their two relationships. Though, no one wants to feel like second banana to Brooks so what’s going to happen here?

UH. COOL TANGERINE LINEN SHIRT CHRIS. He looks like a papaya. The terrifying whistle demons are back in the ambience. I’m ill at ease, but these two don’t seem fazed. With future talk, Chris says that he would want Desiree to move to Seattle with him and his career. “I could do what I love to do, anywhere” concludes Desiree after saying that she does really like California. It’s a good talk with possibly real implications. He’s “jacked” about it. It’s nice that Chris says what he would really want and not just the usual “I’D MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH YOU. TEMPE, ARIZONA SOUNDS VERY NICE.”

These two are total dorks together. Desiree pulls out the fantasy suite card, and Chris nobly jumps at the opportunity “to spend more time with her” and “watch the stars”. HA. HA. IS THAT WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT NOW, BRAH?

They have been in the fantasy suite for one hot second before Chris busts out yet another poem.

It’s excited to see how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed to places I’ve longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

And I’m not nervous. I’m excited.

It’s hard to deny the connection that we’ve made:

The chemistry, real compatibility, permanent friendship

Piecing together this journey with new memories

Open to what is to come for us in the future

And excited to spend our lives together forever.

“Oooh I love it!” she coos.  Do you love it Des? I bet you do. I shouldn’t question the fact that you love that saccharine swill. But fine. I suppose I’ll let you have that. At least this one doesn't rhyme. They have the rest of the night together under the stars. How sweet.

The moment of truth has arrived, however. Brooks’ “date” is up right now. As Desiree voices over how excited she is for her date with Brooks, Chrarrison arrives at his suite to have a chat. After doing the same hemming and hawing he did with his family Chrarrison lays it down: do you love her or are you done?

After a long, long silence Brooks says, “If I don’t feel it at this point, I’m not going to feel it with more time.” Oh no. This is just terrible. Chrarrison talks to him more about whether he’s just not ready to commit to marriage or if he’s just not in love with Des which is a nice touch of reality like ‘hey maybe this show is ridiculous and in real life it’d be different?”. But it turns out he’s just not in love with Des. Brooks starts to get emotional and teary talking about how much he knows this will hurt Des. Uh yeah. She loves you bro and has been saying so for weeks so “hurt” is a word I would use.

“Clearly, I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you need to have,” is how Chrarrison cuts him to the chase. He’s still stewing and floundering, but Chrarrs knows you just have to rip that band aid.

Desiree! Girl! I feel so bad for you, yo. You got dumped by not one but two guys on the show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the dumping. And the second guy was one you were in love with! But when it comes down to it, you can’t make them love you. So here. Please enjoy three different versions of one of the great songs of our time.

“I can’t make you love me” by the Queen Bonnie Raitt, this soulful cover by Tank (Shout Out to all my fellow Call Chelsea Peretti fans), and a haunting one by Bon Iver. You need these. Let them soothe you like I know they soothe me (I Can't help but suggest you, reader, select one to soundtrack the remainder of this post.)

“It’s just gonna be stress free, no worries,” Des says of the date planned for today. Ugh. Oh GIRL. THE DRAMATIC IRONY IS HURTING MY SOUL.

Well Brooks is gonna have to get this over with right away because he’s the worst ever at putting on a brave face. He starts crying immediately upon seeing her. And you can almost hear the needle scratch in her heart. She knows something is very wrong.

“Talk. To me.” She demands while he just babbles on about nothing and keeps sighing. Command the respect you deserve! The tears are already forming in her eyes as she realizes what’s happening. A woman always knows. We just always know.

“I feel like you’re a much better person than I am…and I love that about you, I really do.” He just keeps talking and isn’t laying the cards on the table. I want to scream at him to just SPIT IT OUT. Now they’re both crying.

“How do you really feel?” she asks.

“Um. You know I really want to be madly in love with you, you know?” is all he says. Ugh. You suck at this bro. Take a lesson in breakups. Don’t talk to Sean though. He was a complete disaster too.

She cries. He cries. They cry while hugging. As they keep talking she just literally curls into a ball and cries “why?” and it’s very raw and I don’t like watching it. She doesn’t even want him to touch her. I HATE this. “I don’t even know what to say. I love you. I do,” she sobs which makes him so sad and mad because he didn’t know and they are both messes. I feel less bad for him though!

Silence. Tears. “For once in my life I felt hopeful. I’ve never felt completely loved by any one, and this sucks. It sucks. It sucks that I loved you. I love you regardless. I do. I can say it. I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” Desiree says. This is a strong woman. Say what you will about her not being the most “dynamic” Bachelorette ever but this is a strong ass woman. After forbidding him to continue talking she just cries into his chest for a while.

“I’m just surprised at the love that she has for me. Just surprised.” REALLY BUDDY? THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY ACCURATE. His eyes are puffy and red and he is a snotty, teary mess talking to camera.

Lizard. Bird. Two people crying as they break up. Powerful storytelling here, ABC.

“So now what are you gonna do?” Brooks asks as they walk away from the dock of doom and misery. “Like I was worried you’d feel conflicted.”

“Conflicted? You wanna know why I was conflicted? Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I didn’t want to share it!” uaskdjflaksjdlfkjworaosfalskjdfj ajaskljasdofu THAT IS RAW. But maybe she was holding back with the other guys and with Brooks out of the picture she’ll really be able to fall for one of them? I don’t know! This mop haired Mormon is ruining it for everybody!

“Sorry. I’ll shut up. I’m not helping here,” he whispers. Yes. Now would be a good time to STOP. TALKING.

“No. Not at all,” she croaks out, “I guess you have to go.” As they hug goodbye they isolate the sound so all we can hear is their two heart beats and that is SAD POETRY. TAKE NOTE, CHRIS. THAT IS FOR REAL SAD POETRY.

He tries to hug her good-bye and she doesn’t hug back. Then she does. And he doesn’t. Then he turns to leave and she hauls ass out of the little palm grove. No thanks producers, not right now. Byeeee. Let’s let her drown in her tears for a second. Brooks weeps a little too. Little chokey sobs. At least he feels the full weight of what he’s doing. Now they are both weeping separately, and it’s very, very sad. As much as we poke fun at this dog and pony show, I take no pleasure in watching two people full on weep on camera.

“That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be,” he sobs out. Good. At least doing that hurt like a bitch because she’s feeling a thousand times worse so at least you feel some of the pain you caused. Is he to blame for just not being in love with someone? No. But he’s still the dumper. And it is almost impossible to feel worse for the dumper than for the dumpee in a case of unrequited love.

“I just feel so bad that I have two amazing guys who love me, and I can’t love them as much as I know I have to give. And that’s not what they deserve. Honestly for me, it’s over,” she weeps to us.

  And that’s all she wrote. Weeping is how we conclude this week’s half of the finale. Next week we’ll see the epic conclusion and a possible “After the Final Rose” episode. Now, I’ll gently remind you all that in the previews we have her infamously saying “I always knew I was deserving of love, but I never knew I could feel so loved” and more recently they showed her and Chris playing with a stingray. So at least we can rest easy knowing that the show isn’t completely over yet. But still, I cannot wait.

I know it’s going to be hard to survive, but until then, check me out on twitter @chasspod, and I’ll post a special Desiree specific set of the Bachelorette Finale Drinking Game rules for you all to follow along with at home. Peace, love, and happy journeys until then!

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We're joining our Lady Desiree on the exotic isle of Madeira, the largest island in an archipelago belonging to Portugal and off the coast of Morroco. And they say you can't learn from watching this show!

Tensions are high even after last week’s relieving loss of James, as hometowns are close on the horizon. But in the meantime, everyone is amped up about being in Madeira given that not one of them has ever heard of it before.

The way Desiree says “potential” is really irritating. She hyper-pronounces the first syllable so it’s “PO-ten-tchall” rather than “puh-TEN-shall”. It’s really important that she sees a POtential future with any guy she keeps around.

OH MY GOSH! DESIREE HAS COMPLIED WITH THE PRODUCERS’ WISH TO BRING BACK FORMER CONTESTANTS FOR ADVICE AND FULFILLED MY DREAMS. I love when they do this. It is always a welcome breath of fresh air.

We see Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie (huh? I mean ok?) lounging about by the pool. First everyone awkwardly makes fart faces as Catherine tells them how she and their collective ex-boyfriend are doing in their relationship.

Lesley brings her assertive opinions that we love her for. Everyone gives general advice about finding someone sincere and fun, but then it gets great because Catherine has binoculars. They all share the binoculars to ogle the remaining guys. The guys are basically prancing around and preening in the pool for this exact moment.

Catherine then asks a series of questions like best eyes, best smile, most athletic, and then biggest dick. Desiree looks scandalized but Catherine just giggles away. Guys Catherine is the best; can she just stick around and bring some fun to this otherwise kind of boring season?

The girls disperse as we leave in a smart car for Brooks’ first one-on-one date since the first episode. Madeira is incredibly beautiful, and the date mostly consists of them driving around, seeing the sights, and being pretty cute. They have a picnic on top of a mountain inside of a cloud. Brooks is very sincere and so accessibly handsome. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable with his good looks, but is still a good looking guy.

The way the clouds are moving is all very romantic and otherworldly. Soaring music cuts in over a montage of them kissing and holding each other and telling the camera how much the journey means to them.

On the ramparts of an old part of the city, Des and Brooks have a candlelit dinner. He is wearing this giant, chunky striped cardigan. I love it. He’s got a good sense of style where he brings his own spin to things. Brooks tells Desiree all about his family and how important it is when a girl meets his family blah blah blah. He cries about his dad blah blah. His brothers and sisters are supportive blah.

But uh-oh. Brooks admits that his emotions might be a little farther behind where Desiree’s are. He’s unsure whether or not he’s serious enough about her to really introduce her to his family. But then fireworks start and he’s like “yeah I’d love to bring you home to them.” So, that’s interesting.

We need to make an additional rule for the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game about whenever there is a private fireworks show.

Chris is getting the other one-on-one date. I think we all know what that means: POETRY CORNER! Chris is super nervous about his date because he wants to tell her that he loves her. “I want to take her home very badly,” is a thing Chris says and also something a murderer would say.

This guy is such a goober. He fist pumps and says “drinking vino” and squeals like a lady when Des tells him they’re heading out to the open sea on a yacht. They sensually apply sun block as Chris tells us about their deep physical attraction.

In the middle of a meadow filled with wildflowers with cliffs to their backs and sea to the front, the couple shares a picnic. I feel like every conversation they have is the same, just in different beautiful settings. I mean obviously they like each other but it’s always “what do you imagine family to be?” and “being open and fun is really important to me” or some version of that.

Y’all. You all. Chris brought a bottle and some paper so that the two of them can WRITE A POEM TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN A BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT TO SEA. They are writing “poetry” together. It is so much worse than I could have hoped for. After finishing it and remarking “not too bad” (I WOULD BEG TO DIFFER), they share a kiss and throw the bottle out to sea.

Random shot of a stray cat! Then dinner in a winery. Chris is geeking out to tell Des that he’s in love with her. I’m nervous for him but sad that it won’t come in the form of an ABAB rhyme-scheme poem. Chris and Des talk about how many kids they want and how family size is important. This obviously leads them to talk about what it will be like for Des to meet his family and how many of Desiree’s boyfriends her family has met. She says they only met her high school boyfriend and neglects to mention that one FATEFUL EVENING THEY ALL MET SEAN WHO YEAH WE SHOULD CLASSIFY AS A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE THE “L” WORD WAS USED. Interesting.

Chris is very awkward and sweating and twitchy he’s so nervous to tell her. My roommate accurately points out that at least his nerves show that his feelings for Des are real.

OH JUST KIDDING GUYS, HE DID WRITE A POEM. HE IS A TOUCHED LITTLE PSYCHO WHO BRINGS ME GREAT JOY:

INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED – is just the NAME of this poem. Oh man. OH man.

The strongest words with so much meaning

Hard to say without a stammer

But when expressed with true feeling

Sincere for no other word can mean so much more

LIKE - the time we have, atop the hotel 17 above

Feelings had changed and were, oh, so real

Meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open

Words expressed by you

Feelings that I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate youre emotion you have shown

And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home

Expressed in writing and felt through touch

Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush

The strongest words with so much meaning

Not so hard to believe it’s true

Our hearts are open

And in every kiss I truly mean

That I love you.

Desiree, of course, eats it right up. She tears up and kisses his big dumb cute face. You can see how happy she is when she hears those three little words. Romance ensues as they walk arm in arm through a moonlight park and kiss and kiss. I can see these two going far.

“At this point, it’s not about ‘Am I going home this week or next week?’ it’s about when do we get to start the rest of our lives together? When do we get to start that?” Chris you melt my heart of stone every time! Stop it!!!!

Ugh. Michael has his one-on-one date. I would just rather not watch him do anything. At this point, not only is his sexual orientation dubious, but he’s just not at all my kind of guy. He’s a little aggressive and just dorky. He picks out a necklace that color coordinates with her outfit. HE’S GAY. AND NOT EVEN COMPATIBLE WITH DESIREE. What is going on? The date has them going around town and eating by a park and going on a concrete toboggan.

“When I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions,” he says. A flood of emotions about how you like boys and not girls, Michael? I don’t know. Michael wants to tell Desiree that he’s falling in love with her. I have to object. He is a just a little butthole who also had a rough childhood blah blah blah. He has diabetes blah blah. He has a deadbeat dad blah. The date is sort of fine. I do not see Michael going farther than this.

Ok the heart of the matter is here: the two-on-one starring Drew and Zak. No one is being sent home on the date today, but one guy will get a rose to rest easy the rest of the week. I’m pretty much in awe that Crazy Eyes is this far into the game.

“I’m totally in love with this woman, and I’ve known her for weeks,” says Zak. Is he saying that like he knows how completely psycho that sounds? Or is he saying that like it’s a normal, fine thing?

As the ultimate in romance, they will be doing intense go-kart racing. How exotic and unique to the island of Madeira. Des has the two boys race one another to win a special prize. Drew gives his entire interview about this with a giant helmet covering 90% of his face. Zak, once again, makes the analogy of go-kart racing to the journey of love. Way to go Zak. Two for two.

Zak wins. We don’t know what the prize is yet. In the mean time, the group settles into a ratchet little picnic on two dinky blankets in the grass of the track surrounded by crash tires. The rose is even displayed on a tiny go-kart tire! What the hell producers?! We really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t we?

Despite the lack of ambience, Desiree admits that she’s having a comfortable, fun time on this date. Zak’s prize is that he gets to have alone time with her first. He has acquired some cray-pas and filled a sketch book with pictures of their time together. The first is a drawing of some abs from the first night they met. It’s goofy and dumb, but I can’t help thinking it is a sweet gesture. In the end, Zak decides not to confess to Desiree that he’s falling in love with her.

 Next up is Drew’s time. He tells us that he has carefully curated his thoughts and emotions so he can properly express them to Desiree. He is such a sweet little type-A peach. Desiree almost cries as he tells her about his sister who has some kind of disability. He just says that she’s severely mentally handicapped and can’t properly express her emotions but can feel all the love and excitement for her family. You can tell that Des is heart set on meeting Drew’s family. That rose has his name on it.

Both guys really want the rose to feel confident that the emotions they feel for Des are reciprocated. After a speech thanking the men for their time and care, she gives the rose to Drew. I kneeeeeew it.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN the ominous beat thuds as the men pack and anxiously await their fate at the rose ceremony. Desiree’s dress is a stunning, draped blue number. It is like liquid on her and the color is amazing. She sits down for a lil fireside chat with Chrarrison.

Desiree, while talking about her relationships with the men, begins to cry. Particularly over Brooks because she didn’t know that she’d even have these kinds of emotions but is scared because he hasn’t said that he loves her. She wants to believe the best. When Chrarrison asks her point blank if “this” (the process) is over, she says it isn’t because she also is falling in love with Chris! While this isn’t shocking, it’s surprising that we get such a candid interview with her at this point in the process. Typically we don’t hear the “L” word from a Bachelor/ette until much later on.

After a speech from Chrarrison and a speech from Desiree that she’s falling in love, the rose ceremony gets down to business. Before she calls the names I can predict what happens: first up is Brooks, then Chris, leaving Michael and Zak. I predicted that correctly, you’ll have to trust me. The final rose goes to…Zak. I thought that would be the case, but I wasn’t as sure with him. Michael appears heartbroken and sad, and I am just so happy to see him go.

This rose ceremony is always one of the hardest to watch. Oftentimes the guys take it so personally that she didn’t want to go home and meet their families, but usually it’s not the family that’s the problem. Michael is very respectful in how he leaves her though. He’s “heartbroken” but wishes her nothing but the best and thinks the world of her. If he’s going to go holding onto the lie that he likes girls, at least he leaves like a respectful gentleman. The first thing he does though is call his mom.

Well kids, that wraps up this week in Madeira. Hometowns are next week and that always makes for an interesting night. I hope. We really need to pick things up here. Ok gang, follow me on twitter @chasspod in the interim, and check back next Wednesday for the recap!

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

Welcome to what looks to be the most tumultuous episode of the Bachelorette yet. This season, more than any other, we have questionable guys with questionable motives, and some, even, with questionable sexual orientation. Spain looks to hold many a beautiful vista and many a tearful dude, so let's behold la locura.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and say that I’m most excited that they have brought Juan Pablo to Spain where his true beauty and adorableness will show through. I’m also excited for how much everyone is going to cry. As soon as the guys set foot in Barcelona (so jealous oh my GOSH) the Good Guys Club is already gunning to bring down King James.

First win for the GGC is that Drew, who one might call their captain, gets the first one-on-one date. Drew is very, very good looking, but I don’t much about him. I hope he uses his time to be a good dude and not just policing James.

They get to just explore one of the most beautiful and culturally significant cities in the world. *Sigh* How wonderful. It’s raining and they get hot chocolate and kiss at an open air café and, of course, eat tapas. Drew tells Desiree all about his dad who is a recovering alcoholic and how much he means to him. Some of the things he shares are things he’s never told anyone before. He’s such a little cutie all vulnerable like this. Desiree eats it right up and is swooning over his ability to be so open.

The Barcelona day has turned into a romantic noche. They have dinner in a candlelit courtyard. In his little interview Drew keeps saying that his “thoughts and emotions are running crazy”. He looks a little pink in the face, perhaps too much vino, Drew? Anyway, he’s got something up his sleeve.

He steals Des away from the courtyard so the two of them can make out in a dark, cobblestone corridor. It is pretty caliente, my friends. Way to go, Drew. Coming alive!

He has a mega-watt smile and it beams through the darkness as he gets the date rose. But he decides to ruin the moment by telling Desiree all about the James situation he bore witness to. She is pissed off. You can see the fire ignite behind her eyes, but she is very grateful to Drew for telling her.

The next day, we see the Good Guys Club have a pre-workout meeting about what Drew told Desiree. They are much pleased that she now knows the truth before the group date that James will also be on.

The group date is going to Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. So not only is Crazy Eyes Zak getting a one-on-one date, but Juan Pablo is not getting a one-on-one date in Spain. Fine. He’s a little wary too because he is missing being with his daughter to be here. Oh no. Oh please Juan Pablo. Have faith. “Paciencia y fé” as they say.

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. THEY ARE PLAYING SOCCER AT THE RCD FÚTBOL CLUB SO JUAN PABLO SHOULD BE IN TOP FORM. He is like a panther out there, soaking in the sun, juggling the ball, scoring goals, stealing my corazón. All the guys know just how much this day is going to be about JP, and Brooks is adorably goofy about it. Brooks knows what’s up.

After practicing, they set up for a scrimmage of the Boys against Desiree and a professional woman’s soccer team. The dudes are incredibly, disgustingly sexist about it. Kasey says he was looking up with his game face, but stopped worrying once he saw girls. Brooks calls them girl scouts. But Juan Pablo, ever the gentleman, says “They could be really good players. But if they think they’re winning, that’s not gonna happen.” That’s more the spirit of competition and less the MISOGYNIST GARBAGE THE OTHER GUYS SPEWED.

The guys score the first two goals, and then it’s goal after goal after goal for the girls’ team. James is the worst goalie of all time. The women win 10 to 2. The girls have fun and celebrate, but the guys are busy being furious at James for just existing and also not even making an effort at goal tending.

Kasey is spearheading the GGC at the group date cocktail party. The party is at Des’ quarters for their stay in Spain. It’s this gorgeous old stone house with a courtyard and everything.

She takes Chris up to her bedroom, and they are precious together. You can see how much they actually like each other. Oh my god DES WROTE A POEM FOR CHRIS. THIS IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING:

From the first night, one knee on the ground

Charming and handsome

Instant attraction was found

At the dodgeball game

It was apparent; no shame

On top of that roof, overlooking that view

That was the moment I knew sparks grew

Dancing in the street the moments of bliss

Solidified my feelings for Chris

As the clock ticks, timing never late

For the connections to form each and every day

And the rose to one day grant us our fate

I look forward to the unknown and appreciate the emotion you have shown

I am hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

  So, I guess it’s not as bad as Chris’s, but it’s kind of like comparing rotten apples to rotten oranges. They are obviously super into each other though, so if this is how they show it, then I’ll have to make peace with that.

Downstairs the Good Guys Club decides to confront James man-to-man about what Kasey and Drew overheard. The rest of the GGC is assembled to bear witness. James looks stunned after Kasey finishes his speech. Then a dramatic cut to commercial!

We’re back. We first cut to Desiree and Brooks being snuggly together. I get the two of them together. They are both kind of weird and just sweet people. But Brooks is worried about missing the gauntlet being thrown down to James.

Kasey is still heading up the GGC, but of course Michael, the harbinger of justice, has latched onto the attack. James is immediately defensive and part of what he says actually inclines me to believe him. Just a little bit.

Chris tries really hard to corral Michael and James from a full on blowout. Ok. Here is what I believe. James just went along with what Mikey said about intimate settings on his boat. He is not guilty there. But he is so deeply on the defensive about not saying that he wanted to be the next Bachelor, that he definitely feels that way. James flies off the handle on all of the GGC, including Chris who is just an innocent bystander at this point.

Kasey then takes it upon himself to tell Desiree about the whole situation again. This time he has the recent confrontation to bring to evidence, but nothing else new to bring. He also is such a dud. I’m sure he’s a good person, but man he is not even that great to look at for how bland he is.

After she’s given all the information, Desiree decides she needs to not give out the date rose and just have a chat with James. “The wall’s are closing in on James, and s**t’s about to hit the fan,” Desiree delivers.

They sit down to talk. Desiree sits down like a normal person on the chaise lounge and James reclines like a Roman senator. And in that one movement, James sums up he’s entire being. After Desiree tells James why she’s so upset with him, James starts the crocodile tears. He is on the defensive and lying and throwing Mikey right under the bus.

He’s talking too much and making too many excuses. I don’t even like James in the first place, so I’d just love to get rid of him for some more Juan Pablo time. James even goes so far as to say that Kasey and Drew made up those things because they’re jealous of the connection he and Des have. HA HA HA. Ok.

Now they are both crying. James waffles around a bit more. I don’t know you guys. I don’t know what she even has to be unsure of. This is so stupid. At the end of all this, she decides she needs to sleep on it. That is a fair assessment and good judgment on her part. But I’m sure the guys are going to be hellaciously furious.

Oh look at this, they are all sitting around talking about what a butthole James is and how he had this coming, but he’s on his way back to the hotel right now. They are not pleased to see him one bit. I don’t even know the truth at this point because James is crying a lot, but it could be tears of a guy who feels caught? I DON’T KNOW. I just don’t know anything at this point.

Zak is a good guy. He has crazy eyes and orange skin but he seems nice. He’s worried about how last night’s events could affect Desiree on the date today. Desiree has an “artistic afternoon” planned for their date to find their “inner Picasso”. Good heavens. The most famous artist out of Barcelona is Gaudi not Picasso, you idiots.

They have fun. They really laugh. They even have to sketch a nude model in their art class. Zak is a surprisingly great sport about the naked dude in the room though. Desiree even falls to the floor laughing at the self portraits they draw of each other.

Then Zak comes out in a robe! HOW RIBALD! He strikes some poses when he drops the robe to reveal his tightie-whities! Oh how they joke. This is the problem with Zak though. He actually is pretty fun and a sweet guy, but his tan is so, so gross. I just wish he would tone down some of the tanning and teeth bleaching and just be more “natural” as it were. I think I could picture him and Des more if he did.

For dinner the couple gets to dine in the deep of a cavas winery. It is old world and gorgeous.  Desiree seems to really be feeling Zak. And we all know from last week how she feels about his kissing ability. Zak shares his happy but boring childhood, but sweetens the pot by sharing how much he loves the spirit of adventure. Desiree really likes that.

After a spicy little kiss, Desiree gives him the rose. “At this point in my life, you kinda mean everything to me,” Zak tells her. I’m distracted by the fact that there are two untouched steaks on the table in front of them. Why wouldn’t you eat your steak?! They make out in a dark alley of the wine cellar.

Back in Hotel Hell, James decides to calmly confront Drew about what was overheard and what he told Des. James actually keeps his cool more than Drew in this fight. James kind of admits to saying he could become the Bachelor, but tries to justify it and say that it’s ok? I’m unclear on the logic, needless to say it’s flawed. In trying to get Drew to understand, James only alienates him more.

Michael’s favorite thing is hyperbole as he calls James “evil and sinister”. So maybe he’s not a good guy, but is he the devil’s handmaid? No. He’s not. Desiree comes a-calling to send King James on his merry way. Desiree knows that James needs to go home and doesn’t believe that she can trust him.

But as they sit on the steps of the hotel, with the guys overlooking from the balcony, Desiree becomes confused. She thinks he’s being sincere when he says dumb stuff like “I feel more alive than I did before.”

How is she this conflicted about THIS guy? I mean if it was Brooks or Chris? YEAH. Feel conflicted. But this jerk wad? Ugh. He is getting some little boob sweat patches on his lilac button up shirt. The way they leave things is that she will make her decision as she sees fit at the rose ceremony. Desiree needs time alone to figure this one out. Again.

The Good Guys Club ain’t havin’ it. Uh-uh, no way, Jose! They rehash all the same old stuff and fight a lot with James who gets too heated blah blah blah. I’m just ready for this to be over. I want to know his fate.

Michael sums it all up nicely by saying, “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is gonna collectively s*** themselves."

The rose ceremony this week is in a palace at the end of a pier in the blue twilight of the Mediterranean Sea. Without a cocktail party, the men merely assemble in suits to prepare themselves for the worst, hoping for the best. Three whole guys are leaving tonight! Deep, deep cuts.

First up is Chris, then Brooks, and we’re already at the final rose. I would love for Juan Pablo to stay, but I fear the worst for him. Oh Gosh. I don’t even care about James. OH MAN IT’S MICHAEL. SHE KEEPS MICHAEL. MAN. OF ALL THE GUYS LEFT. I mean yaaay James is gone, but like MICHAEL?!

This means Kasey is leaving which is no skin off my back. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO! My main hombre Juan Pablo is also leaving and I’m the most sad! The poor guy just wants to have more kids and find a good mom for his daughter Camila which also WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT???

And James is going. Good bye and good riddance. You won’t be missed.

Moving on immediately from King James, next week’s episode in Madeira looks CRAZY!!! There are tears and heartbreak and is it possible that Drew is a complete and utter a-hole? I can’t wait to find out! You’ll just have to tune in with me next week, y’all. Until then, you know where to find me @chasspod and here on the Polar Bear for other fun tidbits of pop culture. Kisses!

BONUS PIC OF JUAN PABLO AND HIS DAUGHTER MY HEART MELTSSSS

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our heroine, she was deep in the throes of love with over a dozen men. Well, let's be honest, Desiree's in the throes of love with just a few men and then vaguely aware of the presence of the rest. So let’s see where this week’s journey takes us.

The first of two group dates of the episode kicks right off with Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak K., and Ben. “Love is a battlefield” is the ominous date card message. Their hackles are all riled up because Ben the Butthead will be on the date with them.

Brandon arrives wearing an orange sweatband around his head like a total goober. He’s gonna need it though because the group date is competitive dodgeball. Michael is very, very intimidated by the big burly men holding balls that they will lob at him with their bulging biceps. As if prescient, he says, “It’s only a matter of time until an ambulance shows up.”

Then Chrarrison arrives with the age old Bachelorette trick of separating the men into two teams. The team who wins the dodgeball match in the park will continue onto the second part of the date, and the others will go home. You're familiar.

Would it kill them to at least pick different team colors than red and blue for once in this show’s life? Please? How about magenta and turquoise? I could watch the magenta team pummel the turquoise team.

Ah, well, they get suited up in embarrassing short-shorts, tank tops, tube socks, and sweatbands to battle it out. They all desperately try to make sense of why this date is important to Des.

In a best of three tournament, the blue team wins first round. Red team wins the second round. But just as the whistle blows to start round three, Brooks goes down and stays down. Brooks’ finger is bleeding it’s so messed up, and the medic says, “Yeah…he’s gonna have to get that reset.”

But the game must go on! After a heated man-on-man finish, the Blue Team wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The red team is beating themselves up for not taking it home for Brooks. But Desiree plays her cards right and decides to take everyone along to the after party.

At the cocktail party, they toast to Brooks the fallen hero who is seriously messed up in the ER. Desiree pulls Brad aside to talk and he opens up that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. Now THAT is how you play your child card, BEN. You don’t WHORE HIM OUT FOR CUTENESS VALUE. Brad is very sweet and very vulnerable telling Desiree about a lot of sordid details in his past. Points for Brad. He’s also easy on the eyes, eh?

“I will always be honest with you,” we overhear Michael saying, “I am honest to a fault.” Except maybe with one very important detail about myself that could dramatically alter the trajectory of our relationship, but I’m gonna keep that shit bottled up.

Chris is a timid mortage broker trying to make his move. He pulls her up to the roof to sit alone and see the skyline. He’s adorable and seems like a caring, sincere guy.

Brooks has been released from the hospital looking like a drunken idiot. He’s obviously on pain meds and missed the chance to shower and change. He’s holding his broken finger hand up as he boldly traipses through the lobbey of a very nice hotel, intent on his mission for love.

They get some alone time and make out. He is gross and sweaty and hilariously frank due to the drugs, but she liked it, so whatever. 

Timid Chris gets the date rose though! Way to go, Chris you cutie.This means he gets a private concert from Kate Earle. Brandon continues acting like a true psycho and hunts them down to spy on Desiree and Chris dancing. When they kiss, you can almost see the fires of jealousy ignite from his body.

So we're watching Des write in a journal at home when a really weird thing happens. Chris Harrison and Desiree share a scripted phone call. Some guy has done something awful and horrible. Desiree takes off in her Bentley straight away to take care of the situation once and for all.

The perpetrator is Brian with the wonky eye. What he has perpetrated is yet to be seen, but I’m guessing it has to do with that woman we’ve seen in the previews.

She tries to gently ask him to come clean and be honest. Desiree very kindly gives him outs, and then he traps himself and digs a little hole talking about his “past” relationship. Brian says “past relationship” several times.

So Des replies, “Well are you sure that’s how she feels about it? Because she’s actually here.”

“Hi, I’m Stephanie. Brian’s girlfriend,” this new woman tries to handshake but Des is all SOLIDARITY, SIS and hugs it out.

“Aw, jeez,” is all Ryan can mutter.

The boys are going insane about all this drama. They are peering through every window like nosy sorority girls. “He’s in a lot of trouble,” is how Drew fills us in.

Stephanie is really awesome. I’m serious. I know there are rumors going around about her profession, but that doesn’t matter. She sticks up for herself and for Des and shames this absolute piece of garbage. She has a three-year-old son that Brian was a role model to and she only gets really emotional when she brings him up. Des literally has her back.

Chris is trying to regain control of the situation, but this train is off the rails. Brian continues to lie and lie and lie. The intervention music kicks in as Stephanie rails on and on about him. 

“I did throw rocks at you because you’re a jerk,” is a thing Stephanie says at one point. That’s the level of crazy we’re dealing with here. 

Finally he gets the boot. A giant man in a newsboy cap named Ollie escorts him to pack his things and leave the house. Desiree and Stephanie hug it out. And that’s that. Oh, except Brandon manages to cry about his daddy issues on camera pretty intensely. I’m uncomfortable. And worried about his (lack of) emotional stability.

Immediately following THAT escapade is Kasey’s one-on-one date! What a fun time that should be. They’re going dancing on the side of a building. They look like they have a fun time as they get a lesson, but quickly get tired out. Desiree is not feeling up to the date fun face after the morning she’s had. 

She’s looking forward to a relaxing evening on the roof of the same building they danced on. Out of nowhere, the Santa Ana’s come blowing through and wrecking the set. To lighten the mood they jump in the pool. Then the pool is cold. Then Kasey kisses her poorly with towels on their heads. It’s bad. It's one of the least coordinated Bachelorette dates I’ve ever seen.

So because she feels Kasey has been “such a great sport” through all the chaos, he gets the rose.

Group date number two will be Dan, James, Juan Pablo (MI HOMBRE JP), Bryden, and Zak W. They’re going into cowboy training! In fact, they'll be riding in a full stage coach to their bootcamp. That does not seem reasonable in Los Angeles.

Des is wearing a "beautiful gown from like the 1900s", per James, and then she does some stunt work throwing a villainous outlaw off the roof. Juan Pablo was very concerned.

Oh, cool, it's a plug for the "The Lone Ranger."  The stunt team from the movie will be teaching the guys some basic movie combat and gun work to compete for Des's heart.

Full disclosure, I think they all look super hot in their cowboy garb. It's a lot of henleys and suspenders and pants that are tight in the butt. They are having an absolute hoot! They get a little surprise when the cavalry rolls in. Juan Pablo is so excited at the sight of horses, he literally says, "Ay! ay! ay!". I love him.

James is first up to act out his little action sequence. He is obviously taking it extremely seriously. TOO BAD HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS "HUSTLE PETE". HUSTLE PETE!

"I love being rescued," Des voice overs. I could spend several thousand words talking about that phrase and this whole date and how back-ass-wards it is, but let's just continue on and pretend she didn't even say that (I don't know if I ever truly can).

Bryden's butt looks good. His hair is typically terrible. Zak is a clown who shoots from his hips. Dan Oatmeal's pants split while mounting his horse. JP speaks Spanish and is really pretty good at the action and is so hot and muy spicy.

JUAN PABLO WINS! He calls his little chatchky badge beautiful. I love him very much. They get to watch a special screening of "The Lone Ranger" with "popcorns and stuff". He seems to have a boyish playfulness, and clearly I'm biased, but I think he's a great guy. He kisses with too much tongue, though, like our old friend Sean.

Later, the guys reconvene for the rest of the group date around a fire and a nice vegetable platter.

Oh my god! One of the guys or some sweet crew member convinced Bryden to side sweep his hair! He looks one BAJILLION times better! Someone here on tumblr accurately pointed out that his front bangs are reminiscent of Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber".

Zak is so strange to me. I can't get a real read on him. He seems nice. He makes Desiree laugh. But he's orange and has crazy eyes. I'm skeptical.

I feel the same way about James: unsure. He just seems so slick and polished that I can't get a solid read on him. His dad is very sick at home, but James seems to be gung-ho about being there. Desiree reassures his presence by giving him the rose. They kiss.

The show this season has a problem turning the mic-packs off when Desiree is kissing someone. There is no noise more repulsive to human ears than other people sloppily kissing. This feels like a personal assault on my eardrums.

Wow, guys. Like, Des is so chill and off-the-cuff. She has decided to forgo the cocktail party and have a super fun pool party. They're just gonna kick back in swimsuits and see where the day takes them.

Ben immediately concocts an evil genius plan. He creepily stares out the front door, waiting for her arrival. As soon as her blue Bentley pulls up, he runs out IN RYAN'S TANK TOP OF DOOM PART 2: THE TANK TOP'S BLACK REVENGE. IF I DIDN'T HATE HIM BEFORE, MY JURY IS OFFICIALLY IN. VERDICT REACHED: PIECE OF DIRT.

Anyways, he takes her out for a spin in her car to create a "mini one-on-one" which is smart, but smarmy. He talks about being a father again. Desiree calls him humble. I'm really questioning her judge of character. The guys see her and Ben pull up and are pissed off.

As soon as she arrives, the party really gets kicked off with all the pool antics you can imagine would happen. So many antics! Dan brings her one of the pizza boxes from craft services and writes, "Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?" on the box. The answer, Oatmeal, is yes. It is.

Mikey is really bent out of shape about Ben lying to all the guys about having alone time with Desiree. He is juiced up and pissed off. Ben defends himself by saying "my dating life is private" on a nationally televised show. So, he's cool. "It's called the Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends."

Brandon takes his time alone with Desiree to be very aggressive and tell her that he will never hurt and that he is FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. THEN THEY HAVE THEIR FIRST KISS. SO. THAT'S REAL. Oh, he is not stable. "She just consumes my mind. There's nothing else to think about except how perfect and meant to be we really are," which are words a sane and stable person would declare about a girl he met two weeks ago??????????

Now that everyone has changed out of cool, chill-vibe pool gear, the rose ceremony begins. Desiree calls Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G, Mikey, and last is Ben.

Brandon is shell shocked. Dan is sad but like, he'll be fine. He handles the rejection with grace. But Brandon can't believe what's happened. He is not taking this well. After they say a short good-bye, Desiree pulls him aside to give him a well and proper explanation. Brandon repeats that he's in love with her, so he's going to regret that and also never be able to get over it.

"Once again, someone left me," he mutters, "Yeah way to go Brandon." I feel so bad for him. I know he's easy to make fun of, but he has some serious emotional issues that he should work through with a trained psychiatrist so he can lead a healthy, stable life without abandonment issues. "I can't even cry. There are no tears left"

Oh boy, I wish him well. But I'm excited for next week as the traveling begins in exotic Atlantic City! See you there, y'all.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Who's ready to get started with the first official group and one-on-one dates of the Season? The first of the episodes where men shall prove themselves as noble and true or vile and there for the wrong reasons.

We kick right off with the first of the one-on-one dates going to Brooks, who I must again insist reminds me SO much of this actor.

The boys hoot and holler at her turquoise Bentley as their jealousy is thoroughly piqued.

“It is crazy to think that this could be my first date with my future wife,” Brooks beams to camera. And I feel like that’s what any first date has the potential to be, so it’s not that crazy, Brooks.

But I guess it’s a good thing he has marriage on the brain because she takes him to a bridal boutique to go wedding dress shopping because that is a very normal and not at all terrifying horror first date for any guy.

He tries on a montage of ugly tuxes before they both land on a tux and dress combo that is very fetching. They look pretty cute together despite how deranged this whole set up is. Brooks has zero clue as to how to tie a bowtie, however.

“I really felt like we were newlyweds!” she tells us, “It’s not supposed to be serious; it’s supposed to be fun.” Yeah, ok.

The main portion of the date takes place on the Hollywood sign for its 90th anniversary. Brooks is pumped up about it. He feels like they are floating on clouds. And I have to admit, a picnic on the “L” of the Hollywood sign is an actually cool date and not just a tacky Bachelorette cool date. They make-out as the sun sets. On the second “L” of the Hollywood sign.

After they turn in their rental clothes, the two lovers get lost in a cutty part of Los Angeles in a Bentley convertible. Brooks is properly “sh*tting” himself. Methinks a plot is afoot!

UM. And then they stop on a bridge where a romantic table for two is set under some chandeliers, but it’s a SHAM. I feel CHEATED. And here’s why: this exact same date setup was used on the ill-fated Bachelor Pad. You can’t just reuse dates, Bachelor! Don’t think we don’t know!

Brooks and Des seem to really like each other. He’s growing on me. They talk about family and love and the divorce of Brooks’ parents. It’s very much a “Cats and the Cradle” story. He cries about his relationship with his father, and now I fully think he’s a great guy. And cute. And looks just like this actor Steve Howey.

What! There’s ANOTHER part to this date? It one Bachelorette cliché after another! It’s a private concert from Andy Grammer! So they do the obligatory awkward dancing to “Keep Your Head Up”. Desiree’s so effortlessly cute though, that she pulls it off. And then they have a very romantic slow dance to “I Choose You”. Des feels like the date was just as wonderful as Brooks does.

The men going on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Kasey, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. “Who’s here for the right reasons?” reads the date card in a rare self-aware moment for the show.

They all put on their best formal tees in either black or bold jewel-tones to meet Des at the Malibu Rocks Winery. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe this is real. They are going to be starring in their very own rap video. The men are so jazzed about it. They are just as jazzed that Soulja Boy is the rapper du jour.

Soulja Boy. I’ll let that sink in for a second.

Here are the pearls of wisdom Soulja-Boy imparts to the gentlemen, “You know, I always thought that love was a little bit like hip-hop. You know, you gotta go with the flow.” So, feel free to take that to the bank.

The song is called “For the Right Reasons” which is hilarious. The producer who thought that up deserves a Peabody.

Brandon completely misses the message and says, “You know, she’s not messing around. This isn’t a joke to her, and I’m going to pass whatever test she has.” Chill out, Brandon.

After a free-style rap-off, Soulja Boy selects a few standouts and resigns the rest of the guys to backup dancers.

I hate that they have to take it seriously because this is completely a joke that the producers made for themselves. And they deserve a little comedic relief after watching this bananas show happen to them for years.

The men quickly realize that the song takes turns lightly roasting (toasting?) a few infamous former contestants from the show like Kasey Kahl, Jason Mesnick, that wrestler with anger management issues, etc.

They all go through their respective scenes awkwardly and uncomfortably. I’m embarrassed for them. It is all very hard to watch. Brandon doesn’t even have the luxury of wearing pants.

After an excruciating day of shooting, they wrap and continue onto the cocktail portion of the date.

Zak W. is the first guy to snag Desiree for the coveted alone time. To prove himself a worthwhile guy with more than just acceptable abs, he presents her with an antique journal that’s never been written in. It’s lovely and kind of thoughtful. Huh. He’s turning me around on him. But he still has crazy eyes.

Shockingly, Ben the guy who brought his four-year-old son to meet Des on the first night is kind of a tool. He’s very aggressive and annoying and tucks his sweater into his jeans. He keeps bringing his son back up too. This is unacceptable. Ben asks permission to kiss her. Then he does. I boo. Brandon almost cries.

If we did a drinking game with just the phrase “here for the right reasons” we would all be blackout drunk right now.

Mikey decides to “clear the air” between him and Ben after he swooped in on his alone time with Des. I respect Mikey for being diplomatic about this, but I honestly feel like we’re seeing the beginnings of Tierra 2.0. They do clear the air though and compliment each other’s shoes!

Brandon is still taking everything way too seriously. He has already called Desiree an angel. So he takes his time to tell her all about his tragic life story. He already promises to take care of Des and be a great dad. He has already “fallen in like” with her.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Ben receives the date rose.

Going on the second one-on-one of the week is Bryden our faithful canine! He is joining Des on a romantic road trip up the California coast.

He is 80% more attractive when the wind whips his stupid front combed hair to the side. They get snacks and play on a beach and laugh and drive and play in an orange grove. In the orange grove, they have a picnic where Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. He is a simple man.

They end up in Ojai for dinner. The dramatic music plays as they pull up to…a hotel resort. A beautiful resort to be sure, but not, like, the splendor of nature dramatic music worthy.

Bryden makes Desiree laugh a lot, and you can tell they are clicking well. He thought ahead enough to bring pictures of the wreck and subsequent injuries from a terrible car crash he survived.

He gets the date rose easily. To celebrate, the two get in a candlelit hot tub! He wants to kiss her real bad and talks awkwardly to fill the silence before doing it. She finally says, “Just kiss me already!” Which is pretty cute and rom-commy of her. I’m not sold on this guy though. He is so simple I wonder if they could really sustain a lifetime of conversations.

All the men at the cocktail party are feeling tense and anxious to get a rose and continue on. Michael G. is nervous to tell her a secret about himself. It’s that he’s diabetic (AND ALSO PROBABLY HE LIKES GUYS). He’s telling her what he feels is a deep, dark secret when BEN walks in.

He steals her away, and everyone’s pissed that he already has a rose and is taking so much time from Des. He is a smooth-talking son of a gun, and I do not trust Ben as far as I could throw him. He’s also maybe one of the least attractive guys there, quickly becoming another average looking guy named Ben that I don’t much care for.

The other guys hate him too. Michael G. confronted him for being a jerk, backed up by his fellow Jets. The rest of the guys continue to gossip about how much he stinks and what a butthead that guy Ben sure is.

Rose Ceremony Time! Everyone without a rose is peeing their little pants!

Here’s the order in which Des calls the men:

James the Guido from Chicago

Kasey Hash Tag

Dan Oatmeal Man

JUAN PABLO MI AMOR (man does she butcher the Spanish she speaks to him)

Brad Who is a Guy

Chris Also a Guy (who are these men?)

Brian the Financial Advisor with a Wonky Eye

Zak W. Crazy Eyed Nudist

Drew Cheekbones Cutie Pie

Mikey The Grown-up Named Mikey

Zak K. the Publisher

Michael G. Trapped in the Closet

And the final rose goes to Brandon. He’s relieved but I am upset! She’s letting go of Will (surprised?) and Nick (who cares?) BUT SHE’S LETTING ROBERT GO! HE’S SO HOT AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME! HE LOOKS LIKE ERIC VON DETTEN! HE INVENTED THAT SIGN SPINNIGN THING! HE HAS A ONE-EYED DOG! A ONE-EYED DOG, PEOPLE! YOU HOLD ONTO THAT AND YOU DON’T LET THAT GO!

I will officially hold all future decisions she makes to an even higher level of scrutiny than usual. It looks like that’s going to be necessary considering how much she seems to like Ben.

Well that’s that. No more beautiful and cute Robert to look forward to. I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other to get through this one, eh? Hang out with me the rest of the week on twitter @Chasspod, and check in next Wednesday for the requisite dose of dates and drama.

Oh, and in case you hate yourself and want to behold this tragedy that befell music, here is the complete and final video cut for “All the Right Reasons”.

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!