i take your kardashian batfam au and give u idol! batfam au where the wayne kids became a jackson 5-esque-idol group
the wayne kids decided that being an idol group is the BEST cover yes sir cause there's nothing that could go wrong with that no sireeee
i only had in mind that someone joked about the wayne kids having enough siblings for an idol group and dick decided that was so ridiculous, it was perfect
then he roped everyone else in it, somehow convincing them with one reason or other
[...]
"who would believe that nightwing has an idol day job?? ... don't answer that BUT NOBODY WOULD THINK /THIS ROBIN/ OR /RED HOOD/ WOULD!!"
[...]
dick: so-
cass: im in
dick: but-
cass, putting her hands on his, her eyes burning in passion or smth: im. in. :)
dick: ... can you convince tim?
cass: :)
[...]
"i KNOW you want to join steph but you need to be adopted into the family officially for that!"
steph joins after blackmailing dick with one thing or another, idk but jason helped her, she's the new lead rapper
[...]
duke: yk... when i joined this family, i didn't know what to expect *looks at all his adopted siblings in sparkly outfits, ready to perform, then down to his own where he got manhandled into one and was about to be introduced as not only the newest wayne but the newest member* but i can tell you for certain, it wasn't this...
[...]
when bruce is asked about it, he just says to take it up with the kids' managers, who is babs, and everyone is lowkey scared of her.
[...]
kpop community would know about this best but listen yall know those variety shows where idols go on often and sometimes do random challenges for coupons?? yeah. that.
the bats are already insanely competitive. that's all i'm gonna say :)
yk considering bruce is such a paranoid bat, i'm surprised he didn't have a whole high-heel wearing fighting routine like he's fought catwoman and other female characters who wear heels and fight, heels would make the training 10x harder and help for everyone to have a better center of balance, as well as good for learning to muffle your footsteps with shoes that are typically noisy with every step; not to mention that if undercover work required heels for some reason or other, the person going won't be hindered by heels
also heels can be a deadly weapon, make the heel part of a high stiletto be an actual blade and ik damian and jason are all for it
which brings me to my conclusion that dick, while being a bit wobbly at first, actually takes to it like a duck to water; cass only needed a few minutes to get used to it, she's a ballerina, heels are nothing to her; surprisingly jason doesn't struggle as much as a man of his size typically would but it still takes him a good while before he's as good on heels as not; duke and steph struggle greatly as they keep forgetting they have heels on; tim surprisingly does pretty well in comparison but complains over how much it hurts and still struggles being able to stay standing when pushed too hard; damian learns in like a week simply because he's too stubborn to admit defeat and spent almost every waking hour wearing them, getting used to them, and training with them (i wouldn't put it past him to go to school wearing some black, easily non noticeable smaller heels just to continue his training)
bonus: bruce, while training them for heel combat, wears heels and makes it look v easy but then one night catwoman comes over or smth and she cackles when she tells the batfam stories of when bruce had asked her for help on that and the many trials and errors he struggled through; no one noticed but during that time, batman added heels to his usual get up for extra training (he got rid of them after he was much more proficient in heel combat but tim and barbara were able to find some old footage of batman swinging thru gotham; there they were able to confirm that batman was sporting some high thigh length platform heel boots because ofc if the bat is going to do anything, it must fit his aesthetic and be dramatic too)
i am tired of people acting like duke hates dick, he doesn’t did he feel betrayed ? yeah but honestly he got over it pretty quickly he actually admires him
NO YOURE SO FR!! For this
I agree 100%
Also listen I haven’t read much of Duke bc he was introduced in the new 52 and I tend to avoid literally everything to do with the new 52 after i picked up the outlaws (it took me 1 (one) LOOK at my precious meow meow Kori to lose interest)
But I have read bits and pieces and literally everything I have seen shows no dislike? Or hatred or anything really?
Like?? Idk
I made a post about Duke being Dicks favorite bc he deals with his own shit and has a parent! So that means Bruce doesn’t have to try and fail so dick doesn’t have to pick up the slack
And like 40% of the comments were like (Duke hates dick tho) and like correct me bc once again I think outside of like Harper? And Kate? Duke is prolly the character in the bats I have engaged with the least media of.
But like I have not seen anything that states like a solid hatred of Robin 1
Dick ‘has been a barista like 90 times over 50 years of comics Grayson’ can absolutely prepare whatever drink you want him too. He can also guess/ judge what your go to order is.
With the bats
He can guess what WILL be there favorite even if they’ve never tried it before
——————
Bruce on 13 mins of sleep fucking exhausted but even Alfred isn’t giving him shit bc they HAVE TO crack this case: hrn
Dick plopping a take away coffee cup in front of him: DRINK
Bruce goes through a quick is this my son or a shapeshifter, mind control, demon situation before deciding fuck it we ball and taking a sip: this… tastes different
Dick: yeah
Bruce ‘actual freak who grumbles when coffee isn’t bitter enough’ Wayne: this is good
Dick: yeah it’s a red eye
Bruce: hrn
Dick: yeah no problem B
——————
Jay (just got done fighting aliens and needs to get back to whatever he was doing before) : get me a Drink as black as my soul
Dick: sure
Dick brings back the drink from the kitchen
Dick: strawberry iced matcha with oat milk right here for you
Jay: what the fuck Goldie
Dick: I saw you sobbing at the notebook a week ago don’t play tough with me and don’t fucking lie we both know you like tea more.
Jay sputtering: Don’t PLAY TOUGH? BROTHER I PUT A BUNCH OF HEADS A BAG AND MADE THE UNDERWORLD INTO MY BITCH
Dick: yes yes Jay now go drink your tea and run along
(It is the best fucking thing he’s ever tried, bought a matcha making kit as soon as he got him, has denied it ever since but Dick doesn’t buy it and keeps making him the drink)
—————-
Tim:
Dick:
Tim:
Dick:
Tim:
Dick: you’re a heathen
Tim: proudly
Dick: fine take the monster and go OH MY GOD
————————
Steph wincing at the taste of a latte: there’s something seriously wrong with this place, no matter how much sugar I add it’s just bitter
Dick: yeah Steph it’s bc they burn the beans to get more use of em
Dick: you could add all the cream and milk you want it’s not gonna do shit
Steph: ugh this is the only coffee spot on my campus in so screwed
Dick pulling out a takeaway coffee cup: don’t worry I brought you some from home
Steph: Jesus fuck this is delicious
Dick: upside down sweet almond latte with caramel and double espresso
Steph: should’ve married into the family with Tim god damn
Dick: Cass is still an option
Steph: what
Dick: what
——————————-
Dick:
Duke:
Dick:
Duke:
Dick: you’re one of Tim’s heathens aren’t you
Duke: just because I like energy drinks more doesn’t mean I don’t LIKE coffee
Dick grumbling: should’ve left you with the cops
Duke: what was that? I didn’t hear you
Dick thrusting the coffee cup at him: just take it, end my suffering
Duke: oh damn that’s good… what is it
Dick:…. It’s Vietnamese style coffee
Duke: fuck I might I have to switch, Jesus that’s good
Dick vaguely smug: another victory
—————
Dick: hey Cass
Cass: busy… like you should be
Dick: yeah, yeah I have like 6 mins of free time left before I have to meet up with Robin (Tim) for an op
Dick: anyway i made you strawberry hot chocolate
Cass: this isn’t coffee
Dick: it has 180 milligrams of caffeine
Cass: how?
Dick: don’t ask difficult questions
Dick: where the hell did she go?
Dick: is this how everyone else feels about us?
——————
Damian: I want coffee
Dick: you’re an infant, no
Damian: IM 15 GRAYSON
Dick: a certifiable baby
Damian: I hate you
Dick: you would hate me more if you stunted your growth and ended up Tim sized
Tim: HEY!
Damian: this is true… apologies Richard
I’m fighting off Demons (an unknown virus) so here are the Bats various home remedies/ how they behave when ill
Bruce: can’t stop won’t stop moving if I die I die ig? Illness is a mindset for himself. For his kids? Give him 3 hours he’s synthesizing a cure his babies will never be sick in his presence how dare you.
Dick: makes the most bomb lentil soup and also has about 90 million metric tons of ginger tea with lemon and honey. He saved a beekeeper early on as nightwing so he gets really high quality very nice ethically sourced honey that all the Batkids keep trying to steal. He does the R&R except he’s an acrobat so R&R is doing paperwork while on coms
Jason: Lazarus pit + a childhood running around in very unsanitary environments means he’s never sick. But when he is he always just assumes this is the end for him and he won’t wake up the next day bc he everything hurts. (He has literally been ill like 4 times in his life he doesn’t know what to do here) so he just kinda finds a corner to die in like your elderly pet and he wakes up fine after a few hours and he’s always surprised.
Cass: has never been sick will never be sick
Steph: Steph is on top of her shit, she has a whole ass gallon of soup delivered, pre portioned and frozen in microwave safe containers. She also has a drawer of various vitamins, cough drops and syrups. She doesn’t have time to lay around so she tries everything to get up and at em as quick as possible. Sadly due to this she ends up with like a really weak residual cough for a few weeks even if she got 99% better after 5 days
Tim: L+ ratio + no spleen + has to be put in a sterilized room for observation if he so much as coughs
Damian: steals Dicks lentil soup, Steph’s vitamin gummies and cuddles with his pets if he knows illness wont transmit to pets. Or if he’s feeling really bad he gets very cuddly with his brothers but only Dick and Jason because they both run very warm and he must steal the warm. But also he rlly only goes to Jason when he’s delirious and in pain because he just doesn’t want the teasing. Bruce he’s a sick Damian wrapped up in a bunch of blankets with his arms around dicks neck sleeping peacefully and gets violently Jealous.
Duke: goes to doctor, takes his meds, it’s the only thing he’s normal about. His parents taught him well he’s not gonna ignore that.
In honor of thanksgiving (which is where you give people thank you notes? Idk I’m not American)
What each Batkid is thankful for this year
Dick: Donna Troy being alive and the fact that Bruce was mind controlled and Dick got to punch him
Jason: saw Dick punch Batman
Tim: his very heathy, very cute relationship
Damian: he finally got to replace all the colors on the Robin suit, black, gray and orange it is!
Steph: saw Dick punch Batman
Cass: fought wonder woman
Duke: his mom isn’t insane anymore
Or
Dick: punched Bruce
Jay: saw Dick punch Bruce
Tim: Recorded it
Damian: pretended he didn’t see it
Steph: posted video on clock app and made t-shirts
Cass: did not like Dick punching Bruce
Duke: reposted Steph’s TikTok
The bat family is split between Dog people and cat people and I refuse to elaborate
That’s a lie I love elaborating
Bruce:…cat person for obvious reasons I mean come on he’s had a will they won’t they with Selina Kyle for like 50 years atp
Dick: Dog person listen Dick likes cats but Dick is the one who sits on concerning thin ledges and moves like he has no bones cats he and cats are too similar. + dogs are more excitable, energetic and affectionate and after dealing with Bruce Wayne for damn near 2 decades you become allergic to any form of open communication and one must try to acclimate (like that girl on TikTok with the carrot allergy)
Jason: wants to be a dog person Is a cat person. He was always a cat person and but he lies and says he used to like dogs until he got blown up (he will not elaborate on what a dog or cat preference has to do with this he just likes bringing it up) he can barley keep his team from being arrested he is not bringing a dog along with him anywhere. He also just…isn’t their biggest fan like he’ll warm up to 1 dog and love em but doesn’t mean he likes all dogs
Tim: dog person. They’re useful, friendly and cute (they can be used to track peoples scents and he’s a professional stalker)
Damian: Damian Georg is an outlier and should not be counted
Steph: Cats because she got bit by a guard dog as a kid and now is a little more weary. Also she likes to have a cat napping on her lap when she does any sort of work bc then she’s stuck there and has to do the work bc she can’t wake up the cat. Also if Steph had a pet it would be a cat who looks eerily similar to her and I will not elaborate (for real this time)
Duke: Dog person, he seems like the type of dude to have 5 identical looking dogs and take them out on walks sequentially so that everyone thinks he’s been walking the same dog for 5 hours. Idk Duke started a cult he likes chaos, cat people don’t put effort into making peoples lives hell bc they don’t put effort into anything (except revenge)
Brought to you by I’m homesick at Uni and I can’t bring my cats and dogs over bc my building doesn’t allow it.
Baby pictures of the now adult cats enjoy
Broke: everyone fights over whose Batman’s favorite
Woke: everyone fights over whose Dicks favorite bc Dick isn’t an emotionally stunted loser (I shit talk Bruce so much but I love him, he’s just also a loser) and trying to get in the bats favor is like trying to catch sand in a sieve
————
Damian: obviously I’m Graysons favorite I was his Robin
Tim: dude I was the first Robin he trained and we still talk every day I am 100% the favorite
Steph: fuck you! You disappeared off the the face of the earth when he was Batman I was actually here I’m 100% the favorite everyone knows Wing loves me.
Jason: Dick willingly went to Gotham to spend time with me even when he was mad at Bruce. Has Dick ever been in Gotham when he was mad at Bruce for you guys? No? Didn’t think so?
Damian: ….
Steph:…
Tim: that’s because you sucked so much he thought you’d get blown up trying to have to bludhaven.
Jason: oi! Low blow, you can’t use a man’s death against him
Damian: shut up we’ve all died before
Steph: you literally said you were allowed to break Tim’s laptop bc you died b4
Jason: yeah it’s MY DEATH I can use it how I want
Tim: we really gonna call your 14yr old 4’7 self a man?
Cass: he helped me train when B rejected me I’m the favorite
Tim: you can’t be Dicks favorite you’re already Bab’s favorite those are the only 2 likable older members of the family. (They’ve decided Alfred doesn’t count since he’s legally not allowed to have favorites)
Dick: Duke is my favorite
Damian: what?
Tim: how?
Jason: this shit is rigged
Steph: What?? You barely spend time with him?
Duke who has been eating popcorn quietly this whole time:???
Dick: he doesnt steal my suit and murder people
Jason: …
Dick: or tell his friends I threatened to send him to Arkham when I told him to get therapy
Tim:…
Dick: or break into my apartment at 3am because he can’t communicate with his father
Damian:…
Dick: or make me believe he flatlined on the operating table
Steph: …
Dick: or tell me he can’t meet up for a bust because he’s too busy fighting Wonder Woman a hero we work with over text with no context and then go AWOL for 5 days
Cass:…
Dick: or overload his plate with 50 million things I will have to come in and help with
Everyone:
Steph: he started a cult tho??
Dick: was it before or after he was fostered bc if it was before it’s. Not. My. Problem.
Duke: I’m the favorite???
Dick: also I feel like if I died you’re the most likely to take over my duties and not go on a quest for vengeance or try to clone me or put me in the Lazarus pit.
Jason: ID NEVER PUT you in the Lazarus pit…. No comment on the rest tho.
Tim: ditto
Damian: meh you are superior to Todd and he’s relatively functional post the pit I don’t see the issue here.
Steph raising hand: I wouldn’t-
Dick: or help TIM do it
Steph lowering hand:
Dick: plus you have a parent so I don’t have to do 80% of the child rearing while giving Bruce credit
Duke still a little star stuck bc that’s nightwing: IM THE FAVORITE.
Every single member of the Batfamily lies about their taste in music
Damian will claim that he only listens to classical music and that everything else is beneath him.
Damian will unironically listen to trashy Arab pop and the absolute worst Bollywood songs known to man (Dick introduced him to them and he hates the fact that sometimes he gets Sheila Ki Jawani stuck in his head during missions)
Tim will put on the most ear grating hyper pop you've ever heard and claim with full chest that these is the peak of humanities capabilities with music (Damian, Jason and Steph have all tried to kill him for this take) He will also play stuff like the living tombstones and sing it obnoxiously loud when he's working on the computer.
Tim however loves his 90s grunge and it's all that's playing in his headphones. (think nirvana, pearl Jam, Melvins, Alice in Chains etc) He has tracked down so many shirts and concert posters and watched every bit of content from the older shows.
Jason will claim he only listens to east coast rap, biggie, Nas, Jay etc and maybe some older metal. He will fight you on east vs west coast music, there will be weaponry involved.
Jason likes rap music... he unfortunately prefers west coast rap and has listened to no vaseline like 500 times. He will deny this till the day he dies...again. (Dick knows and threatens to tell Steph)
Steph will steal the aux and play Taylor Swifts greatest hits until one of the Boys threatens mutiny. Every single one of the bats has had style stuck in their heads during a stakeout at least twice. She will claim that the only rap song she can tolerate in Eminem and the 7/11 is Beyoncés best song.
Steph is an underground fan, think the dude selling mixtapes on the subway type shit. She also unlike Jason genuinely loves East Coast Rap music more than anything and knows every single wu-tang clan song by heart, same with Biggie. Not only does she love the music she also spends any free time binging those "history of rap and its consequences" videos and has been a firm believer that P.Diddy had a hand in a lot of the Death row records well...deaths.
Cass, well everyone thinks Cass has really good taste bc its Cass and she has zero flaws (don't @ me) she never takes the aux and will usually listen to her music while she's chilling or doing stretches. None of them have heard or seen a single one of her playlists except Duke.
its all 2010s top 40s pop music and like the trashy kind too, Beauty and the Beat, Kesha, Katy Perry. It's her turning of her brain time and she will be straight vibing to Rude! by magic or Boom Clap or Shower. she has shown this to Duke, smirked and told him that even if he tried to tell anyone they wouldn't believe him.
Duke is the only one who doesn't... lie. He just hides a few things. Lies of omission don't count as lies when the bats will lie to you about what they had for breakfast, while they are visibly eating breakfast. Duke says he listens to everything and he does. Literally everything. His patrol Jam is offensive bc it with start with Norwegian death metal and immediately switches to "like a G6" followed by kendrick Lamar and then descendants Disney channel movie music.
Bruce... Bruce is just weird, everyone asks him and gets a different answer. Bc he doesn't... like music. Like at all. It's all noise, his mother played instruments so he learned like 14 and he hates how they all sound. He just like vague batwings fluttering in dead silence.
Dick Grayson will obnoxiously play top 40 and radio music religiously around the bats. He claims it's the best music for rhythmic acrobatics and trapeze work and that true! Jason hates this kind of music the most, it's formulaic and holds no substance and drives him insane.
But Dick only listens to that music when he's moving, flipping doing high energy stuff. When he just wants to chill? This man has the most depressing music taste you've ever seen. You know that sad song from ur favorite artist that you can't listen to without crying. Yeah that's his bread and butter. Every single song is just flat out tear inducing, some of these bands have like 100 listeners and he is one of them and it's just their saddest song that reads like suicide note. The titans have conducted an intervention bc its just... concerning. He just thinks it's neat!
When someone says they like Batman and you have to slowly find out if it’s “Batman is super cool and I like the few movies I saw” like or “here are all the robins and my top 16 or smth of all the kids” like
The doodle was by me and the quote was from the lovely @incorrect-waynemanor ✨
They mean so much to me
Duke spent all his childhood and most of his teenage years in a middle class family, so I like to think that he carried these habits into his rich life as well.
Example 1:
Duke: who the fuck is wasting our water? Do you know how expensive the bill will be next month?
Tim: Do you know that even if we had opened all the taps in the manor, Bruce would still have no problem paying for them for at least the next ninety years?
Duke, closing the faucet: yeah, what's your point?
Example 2:
Duke: It's literally a rip-off! Six dollars for a fucking yogourt?! Nah, let's go Cass, bet I can find an analog for three.
Cass, handing him the hundred dollar bill that Bruce gave them to buy two yogourts (he didn't know the price and just hoped that it was enough): ?
Duke, dragging her out of the store: It's a principle now, let's go.
Example 3:
Dick, accidentally dropping his phone: oopsie-
Duke, without thinking: of course, go on and break it. We are all billionaires here, aren't we?
Dick, pretty much confused: well, technically…
Duke: I see you, victim of capitalism.
He also constantly turns off the lights when someone leaves the room for more than 0,5 seconds, because it pisses him off.
Tim: So Duke, you officially been at the manor a year, how are you liking it?
Duke: I’m finally settling in. I’m no longer worried Bruce is going to send me away.
Jason: I get that. I thought I was just some charity case. I was terrified that I would mess up and end up back on the streets. I stole a bunch of expensive looking things and kept them in a go bag. I was prepared.
Damien: I too feared being sent away. My grandfather would have been disappointed. I was prepared to fight to the death to prove my place in the family.
Dick: I was sleeping with a knife in my sock in case he sent me back juvie.
Cass: (signing) I feared disappointing him. I felt like I needed to earn my place here.
Steph: He couldn’t get rid of me if he tried. I am like glitter.
Tim: Same. I think he tried to kick me out like 6 times. I just laughed and walked past him.
Duke: Are we just going to ignore Dick’s knife comment?
Badabababa I'm loving it!
Lois Lane is hunting Danny to get an interview with the King of the afterlife, or whatever it is Phantom does. (Mama wants another Pulitzer for the pile!)
Danny is trying like hell to avoid her, since he's not supposed to just tell people how the afterlife works. (Also, Lois scares him.)
"Hide me!" Phantom shrieked before ducking underneath Batman's cape.
They were barely given a moment to even be surprised before the doors slammed open.
Lois Lane stood proudly in front of the doors, somehow finding a way onto the Justice League watchtowers. She scanned the room with her eyes narrowed like a predator trying to find prey as she grit her teeth and snarled, "Where is he?"
Superman coughed. "Lois! What are you doing here? Actually— how'd you even get here?"
Lois waved him off. "Don't worry about it. Where. Is. He?"
Batman was furiously typing away on his phone, possibly trying to find out how a civilian (admittedly married to a fellow superhero) was able to get into the watchtower, while everyone else shared looks.
"Uhm. Who?" Green Lantern asked awkwardly, exchanging a glance with the Flash.
"He! Phantom! He owes me an interview! Actually, he owed me one 45 minutes ago! I had to chase him from New York to Mexico to Peru and then to here! Where is he?!"
Wonder Woman said rather blandly, "He's not here."
Lois narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure?"
Wonder Woman nodded sagely. "Yes. He darted out of sight using his powers. Perhaps he hoped that you'd waste your time here while he ran off further."
"Dang it! Alright, excuse me, please, I need to search for a certain ghost!" Lois snapped before she strode off like a storm, just as quick as she appeared.
There was silence for a long time.
Then Phantom poked his head out of Batman's cape.
"Thanks for the assist, guys. Also, Batman, did you know that your cape is actually partly a portal?"
"I'm sorry, what—?!"
A list of things that are in fact cannon in my own little batfam world
- “Are we getting Jason’ed???” Something you say when you think you’re about to die by the hands of the joker.- Coined by Steph, when she thought she was gonna die at the hands of the joker with Tim. Is now used by everyone.
- WWRHD = What Would Red Hood Do?- was coined by Steph, is now used in every situation possible by every bat kid.
- Evil Baha Blast = The Lazarus Pit- was coined by Duke, when he thought that saying the actual name might trigger Jason. Jason laughed his ass off for about 10 minutes and has not called it by its actual name since.
Will continue this when I come up with more.
Autism: Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne/Al Ghul, Cassandra Cain.
OCD: Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake.
ADHD: Stephanie Brown, Dick Grayson.
Neurotypical: Alfred Pennyworth.
None of the above: Jason Todd, Duke Thomas.
“Dick’s Robin is ___!” “Jason’s Batgirl is ___!” “Cass’ Robin is ___!” “Steph’s Batgirl is ___!” “Tim’s Robin is ___!” “Duke’s Batgirl is ___!”
No no no, I don’t care about any of that, who is YOUR Batgirl? Who is YOUR Robin? Who will always be Batgirl and/or Robin in your eyes?