Going Crazy - Blog Posts

Is it just me or does the world kinda suck rn???

summertime

I read Samuel Beckett’s play Waiting for Godot in my modernist drama class. I had read it once before, in my freshman year writer’s studio. The play didn’t make much sense to me at the time, it was just two guys dicking around, killing time to wait for someone who never arrives. It was weird, a little experimental, but not profound. Not to 18-year-old me, anyway.

It was assigned to me again, by a professor who studied the play for three years before teaching it. This time, I took my time to read it. Partially because I’m now 21 and less of a punk, and also because I figured it must somehow be important to read if I’ve encountered it twice.

Despite my reading it again, it still didn’t mean much. It was tedious, nothing happened. Vladimir and Estragon spend two acts waiting for Godot, who never arrives. He always sends his messenger to tell the pair he’ll see them the next day. The next day is like the previous. It’s hellish in a way, like purgatory.

It’s like summertime.

I realized this after spending 3 hours listening to my professor pound the point into my brain. Beckett’s point was that life is just one big cosmic joke, a “universally shared predicament of meaningless action” (pulled verbatim from my notes). Time will pass regardless of what we do, so we need to give our lives meaning ourselves. Which is obvious, now that I think about it.

But school has let out for the summer, and I’m bored. Time passes slowly, and I have too much of it on my hands. Staying busy is my meaning as a student.

What will it be when I graduate?

Is my future meaning to write things that no one will read?

Who knows?

Auditory hallucinations are fun cuz you can have like a demon whispering directly into only your left ear sound like they came straight out of hell and the one word the deem important enough to tell you is just fucking B̴̙̿͗̄̽̈́̕͝ṛ̷̦͎̞̌̾̀̓̈́͝e̸̛̹͊̚a̵̛͇̱̤̟͉̱̞͆̌̾̿̚d̸̹͕̝͋̇̔̊͘

My nightmares making my life miserable, I cannot speak. The house is silent, cause the screams of agony die on my lips.

A Careless Mistake

Strolling too deep, wilted leaves under my feet

I wish to run, scream and hide,

Yet I wander like a lost soul

My footsteps so quiet yet I can hear it behind me

No use to turn, it'll be gone until I find it.

My eyes so dry, I'm holding back tears

Yet I cannot show it my weakness,

It loves the sweet taste of my fear

It is addicted to the scent I leave behind

I wish to skin myself alive.

Calling out to me, it mocks my bravery

I hate myself for running into it's territory

It won't let me go until I'm on my knees

Begging for mercy it will never lay out for me.

I'm falling too deep as it creeps towards me

I know it has caught me and I'll never be free

The prison awaits me, I'm nothing in it's domain

I'll never be grieved cause I'll never be found again.