High School - Blog Posts

One of the problems with my brother leaving for college is that now my parents might start to notice I exist...

When the thought patterns are getting a little too recognizable:

Love how they're trying to get rid of OSHA right while my US History class is learning about dangerous factory conditions from the Industrial Revolution. We hear about how a young girl fell into a machine and was horrifically dismembered, meanwhile there's conversations going on in DC about getting rid of the act that was made to try and prevent that from happening... I think these politicians need to take a 9th/10th grade US History class because clearly they know nothing about what things were like before all these measures they are trying to get rid of.

Having a migraine during a tech rehearsal is legitimately the worst thing ever.

Backstage is busy and chaotic, then you go onstage and the lights are so blinding it feel like you're getting stabbed in the head with a dagger.

The oddity of a theatre kid's notebook while she is trying to memorize lines on a time crunch

Adults are always so concerned about me doing extracurriculars.

But-but you have bad grades because you don't do your homework!

Hate to break it to you, but that homework wouldn't be done even if I didn't have rehearsal

But you keep complaining about being in pain!

Yes, and I handle it. I'd still be in pain anyways.

But you aren't sleeping or eating enough!

True, but I'm working on it. It would be the same if I weren't in theatre

But you obviously shouldn't be doing this thing you like because you're a mess and you have other things that you should do!

Look. If I weren't doing theatre or extra choir stuff, I still would be mostly the same. I wouldn't do my busy work homework that I don't need to do to learn. I would be in pain having to move around and do things and live my life. I would have problems with self care, and mental health, and schoolwork.

But one thing that would be different? I wouldn't be as happy.

Theatre and singing have always been the best things in my life. I've made so many friends and become so much more confident in myself. I feel so amazing getting to do all these things. The only thing taking that away would accomplish is making me miserable.

I wouldn't be focusing more on my schoolwork. I'd be focusing more on the big chunk of my soul that was just ripped out. I wouldn't be magically cured of my physical and mental ailments. I would just have no reason to get out of bed in the morning anymore, or do anything productive or meaningful.

Trying to take away my happiness is not an effective solution. That's how I end up back in and out of the hospital every two months.

I love how my birthday gifts from my boyfriend this year were a copy of Stardew Valley for my switch, and the shiny versions of my two favorite Pokémon for Pokémon Violet.

Their reasoning for Stardew Valley was because we have a multi-player save that we play whenever I go to their house and they wanted me to be able to play Stardew Valley on my switch at home (I have it on my Chromebook at home, but it's hard to play on that)

And I'm really enamored that they took all the time to go shiny hunting for two different Pokémon for me. They were originally planning on just getting me one, but when they asked my favorite Pokémon and I told them I have two favorites, their immediate reaction instead of asking which one I liked more, or getting whichever one was easier to obtain, was to just... spend so much of their time to get both...

I am so in love with this person.

They also spent money to get a reservation for a date at the local cat Cafe for Valentine's day despite all the effort they already spent on my Birthday gifts. (Sadly we had to postpone the date because I'm sick, but we're rescheduling)

I love my boyfriend sososo much

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being stubborn or nihilistic.

Do I want to stay at school even though I'm sick because I need to prove myself, or because I believe it is just impossible to be able to go home because my parents would dislike it?

I want to get into a fight with someone where we just beat the shit out of each other for no reason. No emotional strings attached, no anger or grudges, just fucking going at it.

Had my first PTSD flashback that I actually knew was a PTSD flashback. For the past like, 2 years, I've been having these random panic attacks where images of bad things that have happened to me pop into my head and feel so realistic.

Somehow I didn't realize it, but those are definitely actually PTSD flashbacks. And I didn't figure that out until last night, when I had the first big one I've had since I got diagnosed. Then it all clicked and I realized that like, half my panic attacks have actually been caused by PTSD flashbacks. So now I know I definitely filled out a few questions wrong on the questionnaire.

I cut my finger with an X-acto blade in art class second period, and didn't notice all day until my pen leaked onto my hands in fourth period and stained the cut. (Also the pen was red so I've been walking around with my hands covered in red ink and I've had acquaintances ask if I was okay, and many friends accuse me of murder)

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#4 Anniversaries

Trauma anniversaries are a hard thing to deal with. They can come from any sort of trauma/traumatic event, but mine are from my hospital stays and large arguments or events with my abuser. The hospital ones definitely suck, but they don't affect my everyday life as much as the abuse ones.

The hospital ones are mostly restricted to the past. I remember how I felt, or certain events that happened. Occasionally I get quick flashes of images in my head of what the place looked like. Yet overall, it's confined to the past and if I can manage the feelings or distract myself, I usually will be able to reduce the suffering until it goes away.

The abuse anniversaries are a whole different type of hell. Unlike the hospital trips, the events from the year or so with my abuser bother me constantly. Year round, 24/7. Not confined to moments of struggle or anniversaries, I get memories and bad thoughts all the time.

Anniversaries take that base level and crank it up to 1,000. My reactions to triggers get more and more violent, usually toward myself, but sometimes toward others. Any little trigger can set off my brain into unimaginable terror. It also affects my thoughts on myself and how I act. I become more startled by people treating me nicely, and just have the feeling that I don't deserve anything other than emotional torment from others.

These anniversaries affect my emotional health and my social life horribly. One specific example is the time I went on a midnight walk with some friends at a sleepover. We passed by my old middle school, where most of the events took place. This was on or near the anniversary of one of the worst fights I had with my abuser. When we got back to my friends house, I was a little stirred, then two hours afterwards, I had a terrible meltdown. Everyone around me was very kind, but it definitely felt horrible.

This time of year, I'm dealing with the anniversary of the day I fully fell into my abuser's trap. I'm questioning all my interactions with others and scanning my every move as to not bother anyone. If someone around me feels bad, or apologizes, or seems off in any way, I put the blame onto myself.

I wish I could frame this one as a more positive, uplifting, never-give-up type of post, there isn't really a way I can do that in my current stage of recovery. I guess all I can say is; trauma anniversaries are valid triggers, and if you know a friend or loved one is approaching a hard time of year for them, be kind and supportive. Trauma affects many people in many ways, and not everyone experiences it the same way, but the best thing to do is show kindness and compassion.

When the seating arrangement so bad you have to email the teacher during class

My cane arrives on Monday. Hopefully I can actually walk from class to class without dying now.

I put together an audience to watch me practicing my audition song for the school musical. They're very kind and non-judgemental. Except the one standing next to the computer. He bit me.

I'm super unwell, but I have to go to school tomorrow. I'm already behind on the small amount of work we've done this semester so far.

My legs feel like they're being torn apart from the inside, my head aches, I'm nauseous, fatigued, and really lightheaded and dizzy.

But I can't start accumulating absences or skipping assignments. So I gotta deal. Why must my body torture me?

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#3 Real friendship

Due to my abuse coming from someone who I considered my 'best friend', as opposed to a partner or family member, after I broke out of the cycle of abuse, I had troubles with friendship.

I had become pretty separate from my friends I had before him, and I never thought I would ever actually need someone other than him anymore, so I didn't really try very hard to have other friends. At the end of that friendship, I had just entered a new little friend group because of my boyfriend, and I was also in a musical where I had found three people I really vibed with. Two of them are still some of my closest friends to this day.

Regardless of my shaky little support system, I still had a lot of trouble navigating friendship. I'm autistic and had just gotten out of one and a half years of covid isolation before I dove into an abusive friendship, so my social skills were not very great. The only two roles I knew in a friendship were leader and follower. As I tried to navigate friendships that weren't meant to hurt someone, I found myself making people uncomfortable a lot. I didn't know what to do or say, and I would go between either being really self centered or obsessing over the other person. I would hurt people without realizing and I became pretty isolated.

I spent most of the one year after leaving my abuser like that. I desperately tried to reach out and get people to enjoy my presence, but nothing I did seemed to work. It didn't help that I had gotten a silent reputation the year before when I pushed people away and blindly followed and backed up someone who everyone else could tell was a complete dickhead.

The one person who stuck by my side was my best friend. She took me under her wing and taught me some of the ways that friendship was supposed to look. I still have the memory ingrained in my mind of the one day we were in her basement building things with Lego, and she referred to me as her 'bestie'. I nearly broke down crying. My abuser had weaponized that term against me near the end of our friendship, saying that he hated when I called him my best friend. Hearing her say that was one of the most blissful moments of my life.

The next year, I decided to go to a different high school than pretty much everyone else from my middle school, including all the people I was friends with. I felt that I needed a clean slate, but I didn't really give myself one. I tried making friends, but after feeling even the slightest amount of push back from anyone, I would retreat. This left me with some people I didn't vibe with that well, but wouldn't reject me.

I stayed like that for a while, and was slightly miserable. I'm still not sure how it happened, but eventually near the end of the school year, I found my people. My friends right now are absolutely amazing people. I still mess up a bit, but I'm finally learning how real friendship works.

Navigating non-toxic relationships can become really hard after being in an abusive situation. It takes years, and many screw ups, but it's possible to become a better person surrounded by good people. As I continue to try and improve myself, I find that more people want to be around me. Improvement is possible, and will bring so many amazing new things into your life.

*getting on an empty bus and sitting down in a seat at the front of the bus (reserved for disabled people) because my legs hurt and the other seats are harder to get in/out of*

Me: I feel so bad for using this seat, it's supposed to be for disabled people and I'm just hogging it so nobody else can use it who might need it.

...

Me: wait a second... I am disabled...

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#2 Tough Love

Recently, I've been finding myself thinking about the concept of 'tough love'. That is one of the terms I used to describe the abuse and manipulation before I fully accepted that I had been abused. But the thing is, what he did was not love.

Love is not being judgemental. Love is not being brutally 'honest' about someone else's flaws because they should fix them.

Love is making sure someone is cared for even if they don't ask for it or are a bit apprehensive. Love is when my friend noticed I was acting a bit different and asked me when I last drank something. After I told her I didn't know, she told me I should drink something. I refused and said I was fine, but she still went and bought me a bottle of water and made me drink it in front of her.

I feel like the term 'tough love' isn't really a term that should be used in the first place though. Even though there are situations like that, where it seemingly fits the term and is actually okay, it's still a slippery slope into justifying abuse.

If people would point out that my abuser was being really harsh to me, I could say it was just because he cared. It was because he wanted me to improve as a person so I could do better. His punches and kicks and yelling and degrading were just his way of saying he cares. It's 'tough love'. This term helped catch me, and I'm sure many others as well, into the cycle of justifying the actions of my abuser. It let me believe it was my fault for feeling hurt from what he did.

I think it might be time to retire this concept. Yes, sometimes you need to be a little pushy to make sure someone you love is cared for, but even then, you still should be kind. Honestly, that doesn't need its own term. It's just being caring. We don't need any more ways for victims caught in the throes of abuse to try to justify it.

Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:

#1 Attention

Sometimes I find myself wanting love and attention, then reprimand myself because a person in my past told me it was wrong. But I have finally realized that human connection is a basic need in life for most people. I shouldn't feel guilty for getting sad when I don't have many opportunities for human connection.

I've gotten so used to either being completely reliant on one person or completely reliant on myself and forgot that there is a different way to live. I can have multiple people I get my connection from without still feeling isolated. I just needed to find the right people while in the right mental state.

I just need someone to hold me while I cry sometimes. Crying/panicking alone makes me feel too much like I'm going to die from suffocation. I just need someone to hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay.

Just had the random urge to make a post while watching Howl's Moving Castle in school. So here's a post. We ran out of things to do so we're watching Howl's Moving Castle.

My friend apparently had some sort of premonition today.

So I really need a haircut. I have short hair and my bangs have now reached below my eyes. Hair in my face is a big sensory nono for me, so when I find myself in this situation I sometimes use a hair tie to put it up into a unicorn horn ponytail (it looks weird, but it helps).

Today I was in second period and my bangs were bothering me so I asked if anyone had a hair tie. One of my friends took the hair tie out of his hair and gave it to me. Later, I went to thank him and he said "Yeah, it's no problem. This morning I just kind of had a feeling I would really need a hair tie today, so I brought one."

This dude just had some sort of premonition this morning or something, I honestly think it's kind of funny. He doesn't usually use or carry around hair ties that often either, so he just happened to have this feeling, brought a hair tie, and ended up needing it. I'm not superstitious or religious or anything, but damn this is kinda crazy.

I may be fucking my chances of going to college right now, but at least the GPA is high enough that they won't kick me out of theatre.

(But seriously, if I make it through high school, I don't think any college will want me with the grades I have)

NOOO I MISSED PICCOLO DAY

IM CRYING TONIGHTS THE LAST NIGHT OF OUR MUSICAL AND THE GUYS PUT MAKEUP ON AND THEY LOOK BETTER THAN MOST OF US ALCJAKFJAJGJS

My classroom guys

I’m at play rehearsal and holy shit I’ve been sitting for like an hour my ass AND feet hurt like pls body pick a struggle

When people perceive me online it’s either really weird or validating depending on the site

I have never had an original thought in my life and it’s sad, anyways turtle