I Cry Every Single Time - Blog Posts

tw: cheating

[ 22:25 ] if loving kaeya was hard enough, then learning to unlove him was just as much.

it hits you like a bullet at random times of the day. memories you thought you have already buried in the deepest part of your mind pierces your skin and strikes directly to your heart. soften fragments of him and everything that had to do with him haunting your mind, like an annoying ghost you couldn't exorcise. his sweet words poisoning your mind to no end, the places on your body that he once touched kept burning your skin.

but was it so wrong to still want him despite it all?

(it is.)

there was a tiny part of you that regretted ever walking away, the you who still believed in him—the you who's still intoxicated with his destructive love. and you had to clench your fists to the point they're cloudy white to ground yourself that it's for the better, digging your feet into the earth to prevent yourself from running back to his cold unloving arms.

you had to remind yourself again and again that kaeya does not deserve you after everything he had done, for breaking you to the point you believed you're can't be fixed. for burning your soul to ashes with the heat of his touch that had grown cold. for drowning you in his ocean of lies, dragging you to the very bottom without letting you breathe.

you had to remind yourself that choosing to end your ties with him was better than letting him ruin you even further than he already had, and that you were not at fault that he chose to love someone else when he already had you in the very beginning.

you did nothing wrong.

you gave him everything you had and more. you just simply loved him more than he ever did to you, and there was nothing wrong with that. it's not wrong to miss the kaeya you once loved. it's not wrong to let your heart break and cry for him for now because you know, in time, it will heal itself back up.

and when you start to understand, these memories of him that revisit you will stop becoming haunted. you'll stop wanting it, him, back. the distant images only becomes a reminder that not everything that seems attached on you is for you. and everything will become easier when you have come to terms that you deserve better, that it is only right for you to walk away.

you decided that this isn't an ending, but rather a revolution. a better beginning, a redirection. like finding a map after a year of being lost—on him.