Joel Miller - Blog Posts

Pedge's Bookshop The Wound

Grab a Latte! lounge around in the foyer with this literary collection from @obscurexsorrows "Recommendation" before heading into the Bookshop...

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", hospital environment, death, wounds, blood, spiritual concepts

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

Your heart throbbed painfully in your chest, gripping your windpipe with a searing knife-like burn and you felt the icy pinpricks of the wintry air stab at your cheeks as Ellie raced behind you. Did you even dismiss the class? You suddenly realized you weren’t wearing your winter coat, having run out of the classroom blindly, and were still several hundred feet away from the infirmary.

Joel was hurt.

And truthfully, there wasn’t another substantial thought in your mind as your boots gripped the recent snowfall tenuously. What had Ellie said just a few moments ago? Only ten men had returned, and Levi wasn’t one of them. You didn’t have an iota of care for that man, but it only added a cloud of concern and fear to the already tense situation. What had happened?

Would Joel be okay?

You barreled through the infirmary doors, immediately feeling the shift in temperature and tone as pure chaos descended. There were men sitting on the floor, covered in blood and dirt. The limited pool of the commune’s medical resources were already strewn haphazardly around the small building as your eyes took in the scene before you. Every eye seemed to emanate guilt and anxiety, as you searched frantically.

Joel. Joel. Joel.

Stopping abruptly you were greeted by the doleful countenance of Tommy who was locked in heated conversation with Maria. You and Ellie rushed towards him, ignoring the subdued voices contrasted by medical yells of urgency. “Where’s Joel?” you bluntly questioned, interrupting Maria mid-sentence, immediately noticing the blanket of blood covering Tommy’s jacket. “Is that his blood? What happened? Did Levi do this?” the questions poured out of you like a tumult as tears streaked down your face. You were crying. When had you started crying? You didn’t care.

You had to get to Joel.

“He’s dead”.

The world stopped for a moment, tilting on its axis, as you stopped breathing.

“Levi is dead” Maria quickly clarified for Tommy as a small cry escaped your lips, unbidden. Your knees buckled slightly as the group steadied you with supportive hands.

“Where’s Joel? Tell me what happened to Joel…” you croaked, pleading with Tommy helplessly.

“It was a mess. An absolutely ambush” Tommy’s eyes glazed over tiredly. “Levi’s men scattered everywhere when we found the infected. Or THEY found us…” Tommy shivered slightly as Maria gripped his arm tenderly. “It’s my fault…” Tommy’s voice cracked in defeat as Maria shook her head defiantly. “I had the sightline, and I stood up, and Joel…” he swallowed harshly as you looked to Ellie who was uncharacteristically silent. “Joel got shot”.

Your breath came out in haggard rasps, looking desperately around the building. “Where…is…he?” you hyperventilated, prying yourself out of their grasp and meandering shakily. Ellie gripped your arm, heading towards the only examination room that existed as voices blurred around you. All of your senses were somehow merging into a myriad of confusing sensations and images. The people around you took on a bizarre, inhuman quality; their features distorted into a hall of mirrors. Sounds were amplified as though blaring through a sieve, and your skin was a heightened maelstrom of sensitivity and dulled awareness. Moving with the unadulterated force of a bullet you plowed through the separating sheaths of fabric until you found him.

He looked so small.

Your spirit was immediately arrested as all your senses came rushing back with the precision of a scalpel. Smell of iron. Cotton clean. Rusted blood red patches of cloth thrown on the ground. Joel was curled into the fetal position on a low cot, gripping his stomach protectively as Tommy and Maria followed unsteadily behind you. A slew of medical attendants were coming and going, and you immediately noticed a solitary bag of medicine precariously connected via IV. Resources were extremely limited, so the situation must be as serious as it looked. Joel’s shirt had been ripped open, giving you a clear view of the gauze that had been quickly wrapped and immediately soaked in his blood. It was a gut wound, and you knew from books how excruciating those could be. It was a miracle he was even conscious at all, and you wondered what IV the commune had access to.

“The prospects are good, but you know we don’t do surgeries very often…” Maria’s voice held a small quiver, possibly considering her own health concerns. The Jackson Commune would have a limited supply of antibiotics, penicillin and other medicines, but it was obviously for emergencies only. Living and dying had always been a messy business, but the apocalypse reduced everything to one or the other.

“Please, can I touch him?” your voice drifted out of you as though from another country, as the only doctor in the commune raced into the room to check Joel’s vitals.

“Make it fast, Teach…taking him in any second…”.

As though moving through quicksand, you found yourself outstretching your hands towards Joel, afraid to touch him. As though he were made of glass and could easily shatter at any moment, you touched your fingertips lightly to his face, watching his eyelids sluggishly flutter open. What pretty eyelashes, you obscurely thought, now mostly unaware of every other flurry surrounding the room.

“Hey Teach” Joel choked, his fingers twitching quietly over his abdomen, as you circled your thumb over his patchy beard. Dirt and grime had seeped into every crinkle, highlighting his sun-kissed wrinkles, but his eyes held the youthful fear of a young boy. “Tommy tell you I need an extension on my homework assignment?” he smiled tiredly, closing his eyes once again.

“Absolutely unacceptable” you whispered. “The moment you get out of surgery I’m subjecting you to a pop quiz”. You joked tenderly, reaching for Ellie’s nearby hand and pulling her into the conversation. “You don’t want this one to surpass you, right?”. Joel’s eyes shot open with a new awareness, immediately flooding with a host of tears.

“Sarah” he rasped before closing his eyes once again. Tommy lowered his head solemnly as Maria’s eyes widened in acknowledgement. You squeezed Ellie’s hand with encouragement.

“Go on honey, he’s just confused” you offered, catching the intensity of Ellie’s stare as she hesitantly stepped forward. Joel’s eyes fluttered open again with confusion.

“Tell ‘em…” Joel mumbled, his fingers quivering softly in front of him as you brushed a feather-light kiss over his lips before they took him down the hallway.

“Ellie, please…” he continued “Tommy already knows. Please. You gotta tell ‘em” his words started to slur slightly as you gazed helplessly around the room looking to the doctor.

“We gotta take him” the doctor stated, gesturing to the volunteers in the room who grabbed Joel’s cot by both ends gently.

“I’ll be here Joel…” you called after him, leaving the group standing impotently silent, the din of chaotic voices suddenly cascading in from the foyer.

“What did he mean by that?” Maria asked, looking to Tommy for understanding as you gripped Ellie around the shoulders bracingly. Tommy kept looking at the floor as Ellie maintained a tight lipped reservation in response to your probing gaze.

“He’s got to be okay” Ellie stated desperately, rubbing at her forearms with anxiety.

“He will be” you lied. In this moment, you were hanging on by the thinnest of threads, but were determined to offer whatever confidence you could muster. “He’ll be fine because he has to be”.

The group stood poised in silence until Maria broached the subject once again. “Tommy…what did he mean?” Tommy refused to meet her eyes, but glanced quickly at Ellie for confirmation. You gripped Ellie tightly around the shoulders, uncertain as to how to support in the best way possible. You knew he was medicated and nearly delirious, but his words seemed sincerely motivated.

“I…” Ellie halted, looking around the small room, as though expecting a myriad of clickers to come cascading through the doorway. “How much did Joel tell you about our escape from the Fireflies?” she muttered, nearly under her breath. You held your breath with nervous anticipation. This was it. This is what Joel was trying to protect. WHO he was trying to protect…

“Not much” Maria offered, a tinge of betrayal spiking her tonality. “Tommy won’t tell me any of the details, just says I should keep my mouth shut…” she grumbled, looking to Tommy with slight annoyance. Tommy and Ellie knowingly locked eyes, as you observed her clawing and voraciously itching at her forearm, as though trying to tear it off. A cry of anguish from the foyer jostled your group out of its tumultuous reverie, as Ellie shook her head with defiance.

“Just leave me alone…” she muttered, wrenching herself out of your grasp and heading for the exit. Maria breathed a sigh of frustration, clutching her abdomen protectively.

“I pushed. Pushed too hard…” she observed, throwing her hands up in supplication. “Damn it. Tommy why the fuck do you ever let me talk out loud!” she tried to jest, contemplating sitting on the floor and finally giving up with frustration. “I need to take a walk…” she grumbled, heading out the door before slapping Tommy across the back of the head, eliciting a small smile of acknowledgement. Tommy’s eyes stayed locked to the floor.

“Women” he smiled, one small tear falling to the floor and dotting his dirtied boot. You grabbed his hand lovingly, nodding your head. Emotions were running high, including your own. You genuinely believed that Joel would pull through, besides which you couldn’t stew any longer in your own anxiety.

“You’ll be here?” you asked, watching Tommy shuffle his feet awkwardly.

“Not going anywhere” Tommy stated matter a factly, before giving your hand an exhausted squeeze.

“Okay, let me talk to her…” you offered before casting one final glance in the direction of the surgery room, willing Joel to sense your telepathic concern.

Joel. Fight. Fight like a motherfucker. I can’t lose you. Not yet. Fight. We need you. I need you.

You turned on your heel and headed out the door, knowing the one place Ellie would go for solace. Trudging through the cold and rain which had turned the previous snow to a dirtied sludge, you were quite a distance from The Bookshop. Finally alone with your thoughts and overwhelming emotions, one reality bubbled to the service with stark clarity;

….Levi was dead.

You weren’t exactly pleased, but wondered at his unexpected demise. Is it possible that Joel had something to do with it? You batted the thought away with annoyance. But with Levi’s death came the completion of a chapter of life that had long since ended. You were thankful for the closure, and desperately wanted to talk with Joel. IF he was able. You winced painfully, shoving those intrusive thoughts out of your mind as quickly as they appeared. Nearing the Bookshop you already saw the telltale signs of the woodburning stove and pacing tom-cat. It just wasn’t Rascal this time, it was Ellie. You approached cautiously, the bell at the door muffling a somber sounding ‘ding’ as you pried the door open tentatively.

“Can I come in?” you ventured, spying Rascal the Cat who was similarly peeking its head from behind the bookshelves. Ellie didn’t respond, just continued her cyclical pacing around the room in a flurried fashion. You shut the door behind you, backing up against it so as not to frighten her unduly. Ellie made another loop around the totality of the Bookshop as Rascal eyed you both suspiciously. Whilst obviously aware of your presence, Ellie seemed undeterred from her meditative flurry as she muttered something under her breath.

“Endure and survive, endure and survive, endure and survive….”

It took you a couple passes to gather what she might be repeating as she continued to scratch at her forearms, so you decided to take up residence in the foyer armchair, wrapping the quilt around yourself protectively. You were thankful to be distracted by your care for Ellie, otherwise you might have crawled out of your own skin waiting for the surgery to be successful. After a few minutes you decided on a different tactic.

“Have you arrived at the confession yet?”.

Ellie’s circular path halted, placing her behind a bookshelf, effectively hidden from your sight. You had struck a chord. Maybe if she couldn’t immediately make her own confession, you could arrive at via literary resources.

“Of course, Rascal tries to make his confession multiple times before he finally succeeds with Sophia…” you continued as Ellie’s mantra resumed, albeit at a slower tempo.

“Endure and survive, endure and survive…”.

“When Rascalonikov finally confesses, he moves from a place of human isolation to Divine consummation. Much like Lazarus, he begins to participate in his own rebirth; his own moral resurrection, rejoining the community via his own suffering and eventual redemption…”. Ellie quietly stopped pacing as Rascal the Cat nearly bumped into her calves and stared at you with a fixed intensity. “Just don’t tell Joel, I don’t think he’s read to that part yet…” your voice finally wobbled with emotion, allowing the smallest thread of reality to seep into your periphery.

Rascal the Cat slowly began stalking in the opposite direction, as Ellie attempted not to trip.

“And when he eventually does, a lot of it is steeped in anger and bitterness…”. Ellie remained undeterred in her pacing, but the words dulled to a non-existent roar. “That’s one of Dostoyevsky’s main points, regardless of society’s aversion to it, the true human of conscience can’t escape their own Divinity. Morality becomes it’s own punishment…and salvation…”. You were just winging it here, but how many lectures were born out of spontaneous desperation? Pouring your fervor and anxiety into the one beneficial thing you could helplessly do, was less of a decision and more of a reaction. Rascal the Cat had finally ceased his opposition and trotted merrily behind Ellie in her slowing circle of perseveration.

“If you had the power to save Levi’s life…would you?” she rasped, Rascal plopping down on the floor lazily and beginning to play with Ellie’s tangled shoestrings. Your mouth fell open dryly as the pit of your stomach dropped to the floor abruptly. An unexpected bout of tears immediately sprung to your eyes as the room stilled with a newfound, pulsing heat. You grasped helplessly at emotions you obligated yourself to, contrasted by the confusing substantiality of what was. Waiting for your response, Ellie delicately walked towards you, seating herself at your feet and looking out the main foyer window pensively. “If somehow you had the power to save, even the worst of these…would you do it?”.

You closed your eyes with consternation, Joel’s small, pained form seared into the recesses of your mind. Could both seeming dichotomies be true? Were punishment and salvation so inexorably entwined that humanity could never distentangle them?

“I think…” you cleared your throat from the emotion-filled rasp that greeted you. “I think…I somehow hated Levi enough to WANT him dead, but would do almost anything to keep him alive. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. But that doesn’t make it any less true…”. You collapsed back into the chair with exhaustion as Ellie laid her head against your leg with a restless, contentment. Rascal jumped into your lap, settling himself for a catnap as the snow began to drift lazily across the cold, foyer window. And that’s how you stayed, until the bell rang loudly at the Bookshop Door with Maria’s rushed entrance. You didn’t know when you had all fallen asleep but the specks of whitened snow were now dotted against the darkened, evening sky.

“Joel’s out of surgery!” Maria’s voice jarred you from your tumultuous reverie, as adrenaline kicked your heart into a flurry of activity.

Joel was awake.

Running into the infirmary, ghosts of the previous chaos hung lightly in the air, as you noticed a handful of men, sleeping quietly in corners or speaking in hushed tones. Piles of bloodied rags and emptied IV bags were piled haphazardly outside of the walkway, as Tommy barreled towards you and Maria. “He’s asking for you both” Tommy sighed with relative relief, holding Maria’s hands and stifling a wash of tears. “They removed the bullet, and if we can hold off infection, he should make a steady recovery” his voice trembled with emotion as Maria nodded her head with encouragement. “It’s good that we’re both the same blood type” he smirked with chagrin. “‘Seems only fitting if I got Joel nearly killed out there, that I should have something to do with his recovery”. You smiled with gratitude, grasping Tommy’s forearm and then heading tentatively into the make-shift recovery room.

Seeing Joel’s skin in a grayish hue, but his otherwise serene expression, dotted with a slight sheen of perspiration was a mixture of solace and concern. But he was safe. Ellie took your hand shakily as intently watched Joel’s chest rise and fall in steady breath. The four of you stood poised at Joel’s bedside, somber and quiet. It was quite a bit of time before Ellie’s voice tentatively emerged.

“I have to tell you…” she whispered, barely audible, as Joel’s eyelids fluttered sweetly in medicated sleep. Maria pursed her lips stubbornly, determined to protect the fragility of the moment.

“Tell us what, honey?” you swallowed, not taking your eyes off of Joel. None of you wanted to disrupt the intimacy of your connection. You were alive. There was something about death that made living all the sweeter. Ellie slowly reached down and peeled back the sleeve of her flannel revealing the puckered and veined laceration of an apparent infection. Without meaning to, you dropped her hand reactively, bringing your hand up to your mouth with revulsion. Tommy closed his eyes and dropped his head to the ground, while Maria gasped in quiet surprise.

“Ellie, are you?…When?…” Maria’s voice was pinched and cautious as Tommy shook his head quietly, holding her fixedly in place.

“Let ‘er talk first…” Tommy’s voice graveled, as you grabbed her hand again in forced solidarity.

“Are you sick? Are you infected?” the words tumbled out of your mouth as Joel stirred slightly in the bed.

“I thought I was…” Ellie’s confession now poured out of her without hesitation or limit. “But I’m immune. Joel knows. He’s known for a while. That’s what we were trying to do with the Fireflies. We were trying to find a cure”. The words hung awkwardly in the air as Maria’s brow crumpled in disbelief.

“That’s what you’ve been hiding?” Maria looked to Tommy doubtfully as he remained stoically in place. Ellie swallowed dolefully, her eyes widened to saucer-shaped orbs of apology.

“There are others” Ellie blurted out, as Joel stirred once again, his fingers quivering at his sides helplessly, unbeknownst to you and the group. “I’m not the only one, but it’s dangerous for anyone to know. There’s no cure. At least none that we could find. We got out of there as fast possible once raiders descended on the hospital. Joel saved me. He might have saved us all” Ellie reflected, looking back at his stilled form on the gurney. “I’m sorry Maria” her voice broke with defeat. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up…for you…and the baby. But no one can know…” her shoulders sagged with overwhelm before Joel’s voice rumbled low and quiet against the stillness.

“Hey Teach…” he smiled tiredly, reaching a hand out towards you and Ellie as you both quickly moved towards him. “When’s that pop quiz you promised me?”. The five of you laughed with relief before Joel winced in relative pain, clutching his abdomen tenderly. You made quick eye contact with Maria and Ellie in knowing acknowledgement of discussions yet to be traversed. But not now. Now, was the time for healing and rest.

“Come on Joel” you sighed with reassurance. “Let’s get you home”.

Pedge Bookshop Art

A huge thank you to @auteurdelabre for our beautiful Coloring Book! I hope you will check out Pedge's Bookshop, as this rendering is based on the integration of "Crime and Punishment" themes that closely resemble "The Last of Us".

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.” “Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.” “That's why I drink too. I try to find sympathy and feeling in drink…. I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!” “Power is given only to him who dares to stoop and take it … one must have the courage to dare.” “Do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn?” “Only to live, to live and live! Life, whatever it may be!” “Through error you come to the truth! I am a man because I err!”

Pedge's Bookshop The Talk

Bookshop: As per your recommendation, Joel is our shop owner. I think there's something appealing in a man who says little, but obviously feels so much. I just finished reading Pedge's rec for "Crime and Punishment" and it's a doozy. Joel has a lot...or very little say about it.

Triggers: spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", "Last of Us" canon, profanity, gun, sexually threatening situation, cat allergies...

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 2k

“Now, just because Teach is comin’ to the house more often, don’t mean that she’s like…your mom or somethin’…”.

Ellie winced awkwardly hearing the stilted words fall out of Joel’s mouth in his decidedly Southern drawl. This was easily the most uncomfortable conversation she had ever had. What topic was he going to broach next, the birds and the bees? Watching the reddish tint creep up Joel’s neck, now reaching to the tips of his ears, Ellie saw a rare opportunity to rib him a little.

“Just one question…” Ellie somberly muttered, casting her eyes deceptively downward to the bookshop floor hearing Joel’s gruff affirmation in response. “If your condom breaks, does that mean I get a little brother?” Ellie’s mouth turned upward in mischief, watching the crimson hue completely drain from Joel’s chagrined face as he froze in temporary emotional paralysis.

“Maybe we can call him Rascalnikov for short?” Ellie teased as Rascal the Cat quipped its head to the side in curiosity. Joel’s face registered a millisecond of recognition before he exhaled the breath he had unknowingly been holding, chuckling softly under his breath.

“Fuckin’ teenagers” he muttered, his shoulders quaking slightly with laughter. “Look, unless you want an earful, just get home a little later tonight, okay? Me and the Teach are gonna have some adult time…”

“…Discussing literature?” Ellie interrupted, kicking at Joel’s booted foot playfully.

“…Discussing LITERATURE, among other things” Joel continued wryly. “But this is all real new, and we don’t want to rush into anything that…”

“…Makes us extremely uncomfortable” Ellie continued to jest, rolling her eyes clairvoyantly. If Joel was determined to drag this conversation out, then she was going to have her fun with it. Ellie was actually excited to form more of a connection with you. In your conversations you had already formed a connection, and your response to her had been so welcoming and inclusive. Besides the sharing of clandestinely housed secrets, in you, Ellie had found a mentor, a friend and a teacher. Someone who understood the darker parts of humanity, maybe even of themselves, but didn’t shy away from it. And Ellie desperately needed more people like that. But she wasn’t done humiliating Joel while his soft underbelly was exposed.

“You know there are lots of ways you can be intimate with someone, without risking a pregnancy…” Ellie continued watching Joel’s jaw lock with embarrassment. “I’ve been reading some VERY educational material here at the Bookshop that Maria and Tommy should DEFINITELY have read…”.

“Jesus Christ” Joel wiped his hand over his face with annoyance. “Are ya done yet?”

“Oh I’m just gettin’ started” Ellie razzed before acquiescing to his point.

“Just…nothin’s changin’. It’s still you and me” Joel’s eyebrows pinched in the center of his forehead with real concern as Ellie considered his words carefully.

“All jokes aside…it’s okay” Ellie hesitatingly pondered. “I like Teach a lot, and so do you. But things are gonna change. Things always do. We’ve just gotta make it our business to change with ‘em.” Ellie nodded her head curtly as though agreeing with herself. She had already lost enough in this world to know how temporary things could be, and knew that life was meant to be lived. Hesitate for even a millisecond and your entire existence was a flash in the pan. Ellie wasn’t going to go out quite so easily.

“How’d you get so smart?” Joel mumbled, kicking back at Ellie’s foot good naturedly. 

“Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain?”

Joel stalled in confusion, squinting his eyes skeptically.

“His goal was transcend-dental-MEDICATION” Ellie paused triumphantly as Joel brought his hands to his hips with defiance.

“I’m leavin’”. Joel grabbed his winter coat heading for the door huffily.

“Atheism is a non-PROPHET organization” Ellie called after Joel as he stalked past her gruffly shooing Rascal the Cat out of his way deftly.

“Be home by 10, BUT NOT BEFORE!” Joel reiterated, flinging the bookshop door open, a hefty bounce in his step she hadn’t previously noticed.

“Hope you get an ‘A+’!” Ellie managed to get in before the bookshop bell sounded cheerily and Joel was out the door and headed home. She smiled to herself victoriously, looking around the Bookshop happily.

Good for you old man, she chuckled, heading into the back room to grab another stack of books. The store was nearly assembled, and despite Joel’s grumblings she knew that he was anxious to open it, not just for the rest of the commune but for the admiration and encouragement of his favorite customer; Teach. All that remained was a special exhibit featuring the Book of the Month, “Crime and Punishment”. Options were still limited, but the display would include a dirtied copy of “Anna Karenina”, “The Master and Margarita” (which was unfortunately in Russian), and a collection of short stories featuring Chekhov. It was somewhat miraculous they had the options they did, so Ellie was smiling as the bookshop bell rang upon her re-entrance to the main lobby. “Forget your condoms?!” she chided, now hearing the tell-tale hissing of Rascal as her stride was abruptly halted in revulsion.

Levi.

What the hell was he doing here? She looked around the Bookshop noting her avenues of escape, and was continually grateful for the wide open window transparently showcasing their interaction. However, the backroom now forebodingly loomed behind her. She resumed her confident path to the front counter, pocketing a nearly dried out ball point pen. “What do you want, Levi?” she spat, mirroring Rascal’s aggressive reception.

“Ain’t got to want something to visit the commune bookshop” Levi retorted, dragging his dirty fingers along the display shelves and kicking at the cat with annoyance.

“Well, we’re actually closed, so why don’t you come back when you learn how to read” Ellie responded sweetly, gripping the pen abrasively in her small hand. This felt terrifyingly familiar, and she wasn’t going to lose the upper hand. No one was coming to save her, and she was all too ready to take care of herself.

“Well ain’t you got a mouth on ya?” Levi judiciously appraised, picking up the showcased copy of “Crime and Punishment” and tossing it unceremoniously back on the table. “You remind me of the Teach, when we first met”. Ellie bristled noticeably whilst battling her own curiosity. Levi was no friend of hers, but knowing more about the Teach and her background was an interest she couldn’t deny.

“I’m surprised she didn’t run circles around you” Ellie bantered, watching Rascal bob and weave like a feline prize fighter, ineffectively batting a small paw at Levi’s boot.

“Can’t say she didn’t” Levi offered, his hands outstretched plaintively. “But surely you know, sometimes circumstances force our hand. Most people would be willing to do whatever it takes to survive”.

“Endure and survive” she almost whispered.

“I like that!” Levi feigned enthusiasm, now drifting behind one of the tall bookshelves, his voice eerily echoing in the Bookshop. “Endure and survive!” he re-emerged, peaking out from behind a different bookshelf, now several paces closer to the front counter.

“What do you want, Levi” Ellie growled, shifting a few feet closer to the doorway and trying to situate herself nearer the exit. 

“I’ve got my eye on you…and Teach” Levi threatened, contrasted by his all but beaming countenance, as he edged closer. Rascal latched his serrated claws onto Levi’s tall boots, but found him undeterred.

“What is that supposed to frighten me or something?” Ellie countered, gripping the pen harder in her now sweating hand. She could go for the eye, or the jugular if she had the right angle. Maybe Rascal could prove a worthy distraction.

Levi reached to the side, donning a small revolver that he brandished in front of him like a toy. Ellie’s eyes widened to the shape of saucers. Leave it to her to bring a ball point pen to a gun fight. What could he possibly gain by shooting her in broad daylight? He couldn’t be serious. Levi was many things, but crazy wasn’t one of them. Before Ellie had a chance to register what was happening, Levi slid the gun across the counter proffering both hands before him in surrender.

“Thought I’d lay all my cards on the table, before you had a chance to doubt my intentions” Levi drawled, leaning on the opposite end of the counter and ignoring Rascal’s hissing and caterwauling. “How old are you anyways?”.

“Too young for you” Ellie bluntly stated before greedily grabbing the gun and pointing it in Levi’s direction. His eyes shifted darkly eyeing the barrel of the loaded gun and licking his lips slowly. “‘Sides I don’t date psychopaths” Ellie joked, waving the gun towards the door. “Get out of her Levi, before we both do something we’re gonna regret”.

The look in Levi’s eyes flashed a momentary dejection, as the cat finally abandoned its attack and slunk off to the back room in defeat. “Ya gonna shoot me, before you even know what I have to say?”

Ellie slowly cocked the gun, relishing the clicking metal beneath her fingers. “Fuck around and find out, Levi” she breathed deeply, focusing on what Joel had taught her about marksmanship.  

“Yeaaaaah” Levi’s honeyed voice almost smothered her with its poisonous sweetness. “You’d do it, wouldn’t ya? But I know somethin’ you don’t. You think you’re so special, like you’re the only one with passion or desperation?” Levi inched closer as Ellie backed up. “Nothin’ special about the will to live.  Saw it in Teach. Saw it in Joel. See it in you…” Ellie held her breath, considering her options. She’d killed before, and she could do it again.

“Go ahead. I like my girls fightin’” Levi stretched his arm towards Ellie as her foot unexpectedly caught on the lip of the rug. Without even thinking, the pull of the gun slammed back violently against her hand as a bullet grazed past Levi’s shoulder and lodged itself in the nearby bookshelf. Ellie’s eyebrows shot up to her forehead, a mixture of bravado and shock as she flung the gun back on the counter towards Levi’s surprised expression.

“I’ll be damned” Levi sighed, slowly taking the gun and returning it to the holster disappointedly. He sounded almost disheartened as he regarded Ellie with a newfound clarity. “Guess I have my answer” he sulked, giving one final look to the Bookshop before heading towards the door. “Maybe you’re not like Teach at all…” he appraised, casting one final look back before jerking the door open swiftly and ducking out. Ellie gripped her chest anxiously, as Rascal the Cat poked its head out from the backroom, meowing with uncertainty. 

“It’s okay, he’s gone” she muttered, rounding the corner and laying a finger to the bullet lodged in Joel’s fine workmanship. A small party of men went running down the main thoroughfare, ostensibly in search of the ruckus as Ellie winced with embarrassment. Maybe she would just keep this little altercation to herself. But one thing was quite clear; Levi was a threat to more than just her, but also to the lives of the entire commune and the people she cared most about. As far as Ellie was concerned, Levi couldn’t leave soon enough. She plopped herself down on the floor unceremoniously as Rascal sidled up next to her with encouragement, purring softly.

In this moment she was assured of her resolve, and had never felt so certain of anything. She would protect, and she would kill. She would do whatever it takes to keep her future lodged safely in the palm of her hand.

And she would do it, by any means necessary.

Pedge's Bookshop The Patrol

Grab a Latte! lounge around in the foyer with this sweet series, "A Girl Walks Into a Bookshop" by @oonajaeadira before heading into the store!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", alcohol, lots of talking, ambush, gunfight, nightmare, descriptions of death/loss, injury, blood..

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

Joel listened to the steady thrumming clip-clop of the mare’s hooves, watching his breath perspire and evaporate in the cold wintry air. Truthfully, his mind wasn’t on the approaching task of securing the spring resources for the Jackson commune, or divining the nebulous intentions of the visiting posse on their tentative, circumstantial union. 

He was thinking about you.

The smell of your hair in the morning as it cascaded around him like fluttering wings. The soft, open part of your lips as you slept soundly in his bed. The crinkle of your nose as you awoke in the approaching day. And he wondered if the soft hums you made in your sleep in any way would mirror the sounds you would make otherwise. He shifted his body, suddenly contrastingly hot against the morning air. Breathing deeply, he refocused his eyes on the surrounding nature before him. Tommy rode several paces ahead and the group had already made good time on the second of their three day journey. The trip had been relatively uneventful, as they ventured to meet the tradesman at Elk Creek

The only wild card was Levi.

Joel’s body stiffened at the mere thought of Levi’s presence and his suspiciously friendly demeanor on this forced expedition. It was quite bad enough that Levi had unceremoniously revealed your previous employ as an escort. Joel did not judge, having made some nebulous choices in the name of survival. But Levi’s insidious and stubborn attempts to ingratiate himself, not only to the Jackson commune but to the Miller Family in general, set Joel’s teeth on edge. As though telepathically summoned, Joel heard the telltale percussivity of Levi’s aggressive galloped approach.

“Man of few words” Levi quipped, slowing his steed’s gait and sidling up alongside Joel’s unwilling stature.

“Let’s keep it that way” Joel retorted, gripping the leather a bit tighter and unsuccessfully attempting to rein in his own hostility.

“Can’t ignore me forever, Joel” Levi countered, spitting needlessly to the side and sucking his teeth with annoyance. 

“Watch me” Joel muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Levi to hear and chuckle at sardonically.

“I like you Joel. You remind me of myself” Levi laughed as Joel gritted his teeth violently, swallowing hard. He would NOT be baited. “You might not like it, but I knew our girl way before you did. I know her in a way that you never will”. Levi’s words stung unexpectedly, as Joel was forced to consider the mutual anonymity that so many post-apocalyptic relationships were forced to endure. 

“I know her” Joel countered, craning his neck slowly and meeting Levi’s gaze. “And more importantly, she knows me. I’m someone she can trust, and that’s something you never were and will never be”. Joel returned to his stoic disposition as Levi paused appraisingly, regarding him with a look that bordered on admiration.

“You’ve got convictions is all” Levi reasoned, nodding his head curtly. “Something I never could afford” he rationalized, shrugging his shoulders with nonchalance. “Man’s gotta believe in something” he offered, almost as an afterthought. Joel quietly wondered if that were true. He thought on some of his own “convictions” and whether they were admirable or not. He refused to be drawn into a moralistic conversation with a man like Levi. What could possibly be gained? All that remained was to tolerate his presence, get the supplies, and get the hell back to the Jackson Commune, content in your arms once more. He didn’t know how he was going to incorporate Levi into this plan, but he didn’t have to. You were his future. You and Ellie, and THAT was all that mattered.

“Can’t say I’ve got many beliefs myself” Levi droned on, seemingly bored with his own conversation. “The only moment truly yours in the one in front of you, so I take advantage of every opportunity” Levi reached into a side pocket, removing a flask and taking a swig before offering it to Joel.

Idiot. Joel rolled his eyes skeptically before adding Levi’s shortcomings to the long list he had already assembled.

“More for me” Levi joked, taking another sip and pocketing the flask once again. “Can’t say I ever met a vice I didn’t like. What about you? You enjoying your time with the Teach?”.

Joel’s breath hitched in his throat abruptly, as he caught Tommy’s skeptical gaze from several paces ahead. This was no time for an altercation, but he nearly crawled out of his skin at the mention of you from someone so vile. 

“Don’t mean anything by it, just noticing. Teach bailed me out more than a few times when I thought I was SOL. She’s real dependable like that. It’s good you have each other”.

The contrast of Levi’s final statement sat in stark opposition to the rest of his potential diatribe. Joel inadvertently furrowed his brow with consternation. Was Levi trying to make nice? Was this yet another facade of friendliness, or ulterior motives? Or was Levi simply observing things as they were? Perhaps even as he wished them to be…Joel immediately felt his rancor flare up with a protective spirit.

“If you even think of touchin’ her…” he threatened, pulling up on the reins forebodingly. Levi followed suit, pausing slightly and allowing the group to cautiously move past. He felt the eyes of Tommy boring into him from several paces ahead, who had also stopped and was turning his horse towards them.

“Wouldn’t dream of it” Levi stated matter-a-factly, his face a staunch pallor of apathy. “Care more about my own self interest. Just sayin’ is all”. Joel started cantering again, only more perplexed than ever. Tommy turned back to the trail with trepidation, keeping an eye on the tenuous conversation. 

What was Levi’s game?

“Just see that you make yourself useful” Joel admonished. “There isn’t a world where you and I are friends. But, take it from me; any man so fixed that he can’t see beyond himself, may as well be alone.”

Levi finally settled into a quiet resolution, as though seeing Joel for the first time. “Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’…” Levi acquiesced, gazing fixedly at the horizon and moving ahead of Joel to join the rest of the group. Tommy took the opportunity to hesitantly double back next to Joel before questioning.

“What the hell was that all about?” Tommy cautioned, keeping his voice low and secretive.

“Don’t rightly know” Joel confessed, narrowing his eyes in skepticism at Levi’s receding figure. “Just know we can’t trust him. He’s more harm than good”.

“I’m surprised you didn’t deck him again” Tommy admitted, clicking his tongue encouragingly to his own steed. “I know I can’t trust HIM, but can I trust you?”.

Joel whipped his head around with surprise looking into Tommy’s doubtful expression. “What the hell does that mean?” Joel raised his voice before noticing some passing glances from the rest of the posse. “What the hell you on about?” he gritted his teeth conspiratorially, in a hissed whisper.

“Come on Joel, you’re a loose canon, always have been” Tommy kept his voice low and without threat, but there was an edge of candor that only a brother could inflict. Joel swallowed hard, begrudgingly admitting to himself the truth of Tommy’s words.

“You should talk” he grumbled, increasing his speed as Tommy hastened to catch up.

“You listen to me, Joel because I’m only going to say this once. You’re my brother and I love you, but there’s more at stake here than just you or me. I’ve got a family to protect and a commune to lead, and if Levi gets me one step closer to that goal, I’m willing to do whatever it takes” Tommy paused, hesitant to say more. Joel bit his lower lip, reflecting back on his own choices and the lengths a man will go to secure the future that he wants and protect the people he loves.

“S’not like family, Tommy” Joel growled. “You’ve always been an optimist, I’m just sayin’ you can’t trust someone just because they’re strong”.

“Will you give me a little credit, Joel?” Tommy unexpectedly lashed out, lowering his voice once again to avoid too much attention. “I’m not the little brother you left all those years ago” he accused huffily. “You take care of your family the way you see fit, and I’ll take care of mine”.

Joel swallowed the taste of bile, as memory after memory cascaded unbidden into his periphery. Holding Sarah as a baby, flashing on her small form cradled in his arms as she breathed her last. Coming upon Ellie, speckled with blood and terror. The feel of a gun housed securely against his shoulder blade. The smell of iron and gunpowder pervading his senses. He felt his chest lurch forward violently, attempting to stave off another panic attack, as your face floated serenely before his eyes; holding you passionately in the flurries of snow. The smell of dried flowers and bramble berry wine. The tears sprung to his eyes as he quickly took in Tommy’s guilty countenance.

“YOU are my family Tommy” Joel gravely whispered, feeling Tommy’s intense gaze at his shoulder.  “You and Maria…Ellie…and Teach…if she’ll have me” his voice trailed off timidly, not trusting himself to proceed further. Joel didn’t know much, but he had lived lifetimes of forced apathy, violently displacing himself from the power of his own emotion, and the people he loved had always paid the price. Now that he had a second shot at anything close to love, he was hanging on to it with both hands, even at the risk of strangling it. Somehow, he had to keep holding on, whilst simultaneously learning to let go.

“I don’t know what I’m saying” Tommy backpedaled, drawing his hand to the back of his neck with chagrin. “Sometimes I feel crazy, like Maria and the baby…it’s all slipping right through my fingers” he chuckled sheepishly, receiving a nod of encouragement from Joel immediately. 

“Maybe we’re more alike than I thought” Joel joked, reaching out to playfully punch Tommy in the gut. He felt the watchful gaze of Levi from afar, but didn’t pay it any mind. He couldn’t control the future. Hell, he couldn’t even predict the future. The only thing he could control was himself, and even that he wasn’t so sure about. He would have to keep relying on his instincts and let life do the rest. All he needed to do was get home to you. 

Home.

The group continued to make good time until they set up camp near the rendezvous point. Elk Creek had always been a great resource for trade and bartering, and Tommy was intent on getting an early start on the Spring gathering. They managed to find a cave that was interconnected with a quarry, setting up the first watch before settling in for the night. It was a large group of about 25 men, so they decided to risk a few campfires. In the seven years of the commune’s existence the Elk Creek Run had never proven to be dangerous until the recent events that necessitated the support of Levi and his disheveled band of journeymen. Wary of future altercations they decided to go on the offensive. Perhaps renegades would be hesitant to attack seeing a small militia of this fortitude.

Levi sat alone, his back against the rock, shadows eerily dancing and silhouetted against the quieting campsite. Hunched over protectively, he observed the friendly banter between men, casting a jealous glance towards Joel and his brother Tommy as they laughed by the fire. What made them so different from him? Why were their desires so much more noble than his? Levi knew desperation when he saw it, and survival in the apocalypse had only heightened the corruption and self-interest that already existed. It was just as well he was already well-versed in the art of self-protection. He’d always survived by his wits; card-shark, con-man, go-between. Any opportunity observed was an opportunity seized upon, and it didn’t matter who he had to manipulate, so long as Levi ended up on top. He hunched down further, bracing himself against the stolid rock face. Truth be told, the freedom of this ongoing anarchic existence provided Levi with a strange dichotomy of liberation and oppression. He was loathe to admit it, but it turned out that even hyper-independence had its own special distinction of isolation. Even tentatively joining the commune and engineering a shaky reunion with you had proven ineffective. Eventually, that same self-salvation seemed to destructively twist in on itself. Levi had long since passed the point of no return regarding his own apathy, but a spark of bitterness pulled at whatever heart strings remained, particularly when he looked at Joel Miller. 

They were the same. Weren’t they?

He gazed down at a small spider stretching itself across the gritty soil, unperturbed by the nearby flickering flames. Levi shivered slightly, repulsed by its alien exoskeleton. He leveled a heavy boot on top of its delicate filaments, his eyes shifting to another moving target to his right. An undulating centipede was crawling its way towards his arm, before Levi grabbed a large rock, hefting it sloppily forward. Looking over at his foot, a myriad of spiders suddenly cascaded from the original, pouring forth like an overwhelming quicksand of darkness. He hardly had time to register a horrified expression before feather-light touches of legs tickled his neck and shoulders from behind, spiders crawling like enigmatic tendrils as he stood shakily to his feet. Right before uttering a scream to high heaven Levi…

…jerked his head upwards from an unexpected stupor, breathing heavily, his heart pounding relentlessly in his chest. The camp had stilled even more, though gazing several feet ahead, he saw Joel clutching his firearm fixedly, staring at Levi’s halting expression. Levi clenched his jaw with discomfort, scrambling for his flask of whiskey and downing the dregs in one terrified gulp.  Just a nightmare. Inwardly he scowled, abhorrent to admit his temporary lapse. Settling back in  for the night, he skulked forebodingly in the corner, reflecting on his future options. Maybe he could get Maria on his side. She was a shrewd leader, but similarly found herself with her back against the wall. It wouldn’t be possible to pull the wool over Joel’s eyes, but maybe Tommy was in Maria’s pocket. Nor would Ellie be dissuaded, and the Teach…Levi flashed on your angelic visage, his jaw pulsing with resentment. He felt certain that your shared background would ingratiate him and alienate you, but such was not the case. Somehow you had already managed to sway the commune to your side, and Levi was impressed. Reflecting on your smiling face, he caught the smallest micro expression of violence seeping into your countenance. As though temporarily vindicated, the expression expanded into one of sheer maniacal terror a broad, gaping grin splitting your mouth into an appalling void. A quiet, looming scream seemed to emanate from beyond his body. Was it your voice? Was it his? His body felt immobilized in quicksand as he struggled to escape his sleep paralysis. It wasn’t until a bullet grazed the rock face behind him that Levi sprung into an adrenaline fueled aggression. 

“Move!” Joel’s voice split the darkness, as Levi took in the chaotic, fire-lit reality that mirrored the nightmarish hell his mind had just escaped. Men were screaming and yelling as they ran purposelessly around the campsite, looking for shelter or solace of any kind. Levi’s head whipped around to the tell-tale shriek of an infected, grabbing at the gun in his holster and running towards the small remaining group of men, hunkered down in a small rock protected abutment that were motioning him in. Sliding into place with a dusty fury, Levi quickly clocked around 50 infected pouring out of the quarry, as though mimicking the spiders in his recent nightmare.

“Jesus Christ” Tommy muttered, reloading and looking around the disintegrating campsite. “Where the hell are your men going, Levi?” he all but screamed, watching several picked off by the nearby infected. Levi’s heart twisted violently in his chest. Everything was falling apart, and there was nothing that he could about it. The men wouldn’t follow his lead, they were as self-motivated as he was. The men of Jackson Commune were a stolid and well-led bunch, but they were about to find themselves significantly outnumbered if something wasn’t done. Joel shoved his way to the front of the group, picking off five infected in quick succession, and reloading his firearm as well. 

“What are you gonna do about it, Levi!” Joel bellowed, looking helplessly at Tommy and shoving Levi to the side. Levi closed his eyes tiredly feeling the knot tighten in his chest poisonously. 

“Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’” he droned, a dry smile passing over his lips as Joel looked on incredulously. “Tell Teach that she owes me one…” he quipped, holding his firearm lovingly and taking a deep breath before barreling forward suicidally.

“Son of a bitch” Joel muttered, trying to provide cover for Levi’s ill fated martyrdom but quickly realizing its futility. Levi managed to take down another 5 infected before vanishing in a dusty clump of writhing bodies and blood curdling screams. Tommy leveled another 3 infected from where he stood, as Joel reloaded as quickly as possible.

“Get DOWN Tommy!” Joel yelled, rising to his feet and shoving Tommy into the dirt before a searing knife-like explosion bloomed across his abdomen painfully. Tommy’s eyes widened in distress, viewing the steadily blossoming pool of blood flower across Joel’s stomach as he crumpled to the ground in anguish. Joel gritted his teeth stubbornly, his firearm clattering helplessly to the dirt, a flurry of hands and concerned voices darkening around him. He was thankful for the twisting exhaustion that deadened his entire body as he focused on your image with each labored breath. 

Home. Home.

It would only be a matter of time before he saw you again, whether in this life or the next. His mouth tiredly curled into a smile before darkness finally took him. 

Home. Home. Home.

@morallyinept @littlemisspascal @wannabe-urs

@beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox 

@wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya 

@schnarfer @devineconjuring @mermaidgirl30 @mandolover37 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog 

@joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk @sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin @zaniasky @quicax3

Pedge's Bookshop The Storm

Grab a Latte! lounge around in the foyer with this sweet fic "Taste You" by @hellishjoel before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, this series will feature MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", lite smut, ex-type character, spiritual concepts, injury

Series Masterlist

Words: 3.3k

You drew a tentative single finger down the perspiring glass of water before you. The town hall cavernously echo’d, as your leg tapped nervously under the elongated table before you. Tommy shuffled his papers awkwardly as Joel placed a firmly solid hand atop your thigh, squeezing gently as you attempted to take a deep breath. This had been YOUR idea. Maria swallowed dryly, pausing to look at a non-existent watch and then softly chuckling to herself in defeat. Everyone had assembled except the least desired member of the discussion; Levi.

Once again you questioned your motivations, but with the administrative transitions coming up  and the anticipation of Maria’s pregnancy, it was more important than ever to solidify the safety and maintenance of the commune’s existence. You just never counted on it including Levi. Initially you had reasoned that his temporary presence might be nothing more than an inconvenience; a temporary setback when your past haltingly caught up with you. You had spent more than a few sleepless nights, wondering if his appearance was the harbinger of disastrous revelations, and indeed, it had culminated in more than a few protestations. The worst had occurred; and The Miller Family at large was all too aware of your questionable background and salacious past. But if anything, it had seemingly solidified their undeserved respect and acceptance of your assured position in the community. Tommy was overjoyed to provide Maria with extended resources, and Maria was holding her skepticism of Joel at bay with her repulsion of Levi in comparison. Ellie had all but started a campaign for your continued administrative duties, and Joel. Joel was the most surprising of all.  The layers of armor and emotional barriers had finally started to dissipate, as your own vulnerabilities came to light.

Not so with Levi. 

His moral apathy hung like a weight around his neck, dragging him and his posse to the forefront of patrol responsibilities, as they begrudgingly ingratiated themselves into town life. It was only a matter of time before the uncomfortable social bomb detonated, and you were hopeful that casualties could be limited, so you had suggested this clunky and currently stalled discussion to get a better idea of Levi’s intentions. Joel shifted with discomfort in his seat, as he glanced sideways and offered a perfunctory smile. His only motivation for being here was YOU, and offering whatever support or encouragement he could. Levi had set his teeth on edge from day one, but since that tumultuous altercation at dinner, Joel had managed to stifle whatever aggressive tendencies bubbled just below the surface. You appreciated his stolid presence, but felt the tension shifting between Maria as well. There were so many things unsaid, and you weren’t sure if voicing them would bring any clarity or unification. You just knew that things could not stay they way that they were. Finally, the door swung open as Levi strode confidently and loudly into the echoing chamber, fresh from patrol. Grabbing a nearby chair, he grabbed the available glass of water and downed it in several quick swallows before wiping his hand sloppily across his mouth and heavily sighing.

“Hey Teach” he smirked, squaring off against Joel who sat across the table and staring into Maria’s eyes as though questioning the barrel of a loaded gun.

“Thanks for joining us, Levi. I trust you and your group didn’t encounter any unexpected difficulties on patrol this evening” Tommy began, attempting to assuage the growing tensions.

“How could I? You’ve got me on such a tight leash I’m starting to feel like the commune bitch” Levi joked, casting a teasing glance in your direction before Joel cleared his throat menacingly. Levi paused appraisingly. “Nothing to write home about…” he begrudgingly jested, leaning back in his chair as though settling in for an interrogation.

“Tommy and I wanted to get a better idea of your long term intentions for commune residency” Maria engaged, setting her papers before her as though back in a courtroom atmosphere. “Joel tells me your patrol participation has been…satisfactory”.

Levi drolly smiled, crossing his arms smugly behind his head. You vaguely imagined him tipping over backwards, he seemed so pleased with himself. “High praise indeed” Levi sarcastically observed, pursing his lips thoughtfully.

“Your arrival was…well-timed” the words curtly exited Joel’s mouth. “Figure the same will be true for your exit” he quipped, his jaw ticking angrily beneath. You took a deep stilling breath before attempting to join the conversation.

“I for one, am very grateful for Levi’s support” you chose your words carefully, feeling Joel bristle beside you. “Nothing is more important to me than the people of this commune, and if Levi has anything beneficial to add, I think we should put it to the test”. You surprised yourself with the assertion of your tone, but encouraged by Maria’s staunch reinforcement. Levi’s eyes deceptively narrowed at the directionality of your challenge, and he sat up as though answering  a dual.

“Don’t matter to me” Levi nearly spat, knocking the table slightly with his body weight and relishing the small jump it elicited from you. “World’s been endin’ for a long time now. I’m just scopin’ out the best place to land” he licked his chapped lips defiantly. Maria nodded definitively, though Joel was shaking his head in silence. You felt as though you were poised between a rock and a hard place. Desperately wanting to protect Joel and the commune, but currently at the mercy of your own desires and insecurities. 

Tommy broke the tension deftly, “Alright, it’s a deal. One week from now we have our next scheduled resource rendezvous. Joel, you and I can lead a patrol at dawn, and Levi and his group can watch the defensive flank. What’dya say Levi?” Tommy stood to punctuate the offer, holding out a circumstantially forced hand of agreement. Levi stood to mirror him, spitting into his hand and grasping Tommy’s firmly in his. Joel gripped the table forcefully, a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode at any moment. Levi smiled with awareness, enjoying the mounting tensions of the moment. He feigned a two finger salute, “Be seein’ ya!” before striding back out of the town hall, and slamming the door behind him. The room audibly breathed a sigh of relief upon his exit.

“Are we really doing this?” Joel muttered under his breath. Maria’s gaze held a steely resolution, as Tommy sat down defeatedly. 

“It’ll be okay” you encouraged, taking Joel’s hand fixedly in your own, under the table. Perhaps the ends could justify the means. You were loathe to articulate the unspoken truth, but you no longer had the luxury of painting reality in any other light. The truth might be a bitter pill to swallow, but in the face of insurmountable odds the only thing you really risked losing was yourself. You flashed on a Dostoyevsky quote that the devil might not exist, but man has thus created him in his own image and likeness. But if you could save the commune…if you could save Ellie…if you could save Joel…it was worth it. However, the weight of your discussion settled over the table with a heavy foreboding.

Had you just made a deal with the devil?

Joel’s whiskers teased the sensitive skin of your neckline as you bumped precariously against one of the bookshelves. “You know, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have to keep revisiting the Arts and Recreation section…” you breathed, eyelids heavy with longing, as you temporarily paused his ministrations.

“Feels pretty recreational to me…” Joel teased, grabbing the lush shape of your backside, and caging you against the oaken wood.  The corners of you mouth hiked upward as you drew your hands lazily up and around his neck.

“I AM sorry about this upcoming patrol” you apologized, halting Joel’s salacious attention and watching the incredulity flood his features.

“Just protocol” Joel chastised, touching his nose lightly to yours. “We need the supplies, and if Levi can help us get it, we’ll use him in the process” he wisely advised, tightening his grip. 

You smiled cautiously, “Please watch yourself around him, Joel”.

“Always do, ‘xcept when I’m watchin’ you…” he joked, pulling you in for another kiss. You were about to admonish him when Rascal the Cat signaled an approaching customer. The doorbell chimed distinctly as Joel rounded the corner, deftly tucking you behind the bookshelf clandestinely. “We’re closed…” he began, before subtly bristling at Maria’s appearance. “Oh…uh…Maria….Everything alright?” Joel’s hand stayed behind the bookshelf, motioning for you to stay quiet.

“Sorry to bother you Joel, I had some commune business I wanted to run by you without a bunch of watchful eyes” Maria judiciously observed, clearing her throat authoritatively. You secretively held your breath, stilling your pounding heart. Should you announce yourself? You still felt a little unsure of your new administrative position, and Joel seemed content to keep your presence known only to himself. Perhaps you could do more good from the shadows…

“I hate to ask it, but…I’ve been talking to Ellie” Maria began, looking apprehensively around the room, as though expecting her to show up at any moment.

“Now wait just a goddam minute…” Joel retorted, leaving you behind in the back of the bookshop and moving towards Maria purposefully. 

“She just wants to join patrols, Joel. She’s old enough, and capable as hell, and you know it” Maria countered, shifting her weight awkwardly. She was getting closer and closer to a due date, and the pressure of that responsibility might be motivating her decisions unexpectedly.

“Don’t make it right” Joel stated matter a factly, nodding his head succinctly. You were already hesitant about Joel’s patrol participation, and weren’t keen to add Ellie to the mix. The last thing you needed was Levi influencing them both.

“I know you’re protective of her, but she watches you like a hawk. She only wants what’s best…” Maria chimed in as Joel folded his arms skeptically across his chest.

“Can’t do it” he argued. “S’not time yet”.

Maria sighed with defeat, placing her hands on her hips with a slight defiance. “Well,…you’re gonna have to explain that to her yourself, because she won’t leave me alone otherwise”. Joel nodded knowingly, anxious to drop the matter as quickly as possible. 

“’S’good training for your little one, whenever they arrive” Joel offered, widening his eyes sympathetically. He might complain about the responsibilities of faux parenthood, but it was apparent in all of his actions and words that Ellie was his pride and joy. He wasn’t easily going to let her out of his sight. You smiled affectionately.

“Ellie’s a lucky kid” Maria downshifted, heading away from the Bookshop Counter and within your diagonal sightline, though you were still relatively hidden behind the bookshelves. “I can see why she’s so special…” Maria seemingly taunted, fingering the nearby psychology section and drawing her words out precisely.

“What’dya mean by that?” Joel interrogated, a slight bite nearing the edges of his tone subtly. “What’d Tommy say?”.

“Oh nothing…” Maria toyed again, pulling out a copy of Sigmund Freud’s “The Interpretation of Dreams” and placing it back on the bookshelf in one motion. “Just seems like I can’t get a straight answer around here. From Levi, Ellie…YOU” Maria’s voice sounded neutral and passive, but there was an air of interrogation in it. Maria was a leader through and through, and if she seized upon something that raised a red flag, she reminded you of a dog with a bone. She wasn’t easily going to let this go.

You peeked from behind the bookshelf quizzically, watching Joel’s neck tick with discomfort. “Are you accusin’ me of somethin’?” Joel growled, his hands perched confidently on his hips. Maria turned quickly, with a judicious appraisal, bringing her hand to her stomach protectively. 

“You’re family Joel” she soothed, watching his shoulders relax infinitesimally, but still recognizing his guarded stance. “Tommy won’t ever betray the brotherhood” she smiled, rubbing a small concentric circle around her abdomen. “I just want you to know that…whatever you’re hiding, can’t be good for Ellie. It can’t be good for you or anyone else that loves you…” you shrank quickly behind the bookshelf, wondering if Maria somehow telepathically sensed your presence.

“The past should stay in the past” Joel lowly intoned, so quietly you weren’t sure if you heard him correctly.

“Maybe…until it drags itself into the light” Maria responded, stepping closer as Joel inched back. “You don’t have to suffer alone, Joel. Rid yourself of whatever you’re holding back. I know Ellie will thank you for it…”. You heard the stifled intake of air, as Joel responded to Maria’s firm grasp of his forearm. Rascal the Cat bumped up against your calve as you tried to shoo him away. Maria nodded curtly before departing out the door, a cascade of wintry air barreling inside juxtaposed by the no longer friendly chime of the bell. You picked up Rascal and slowly approached Joel who remained locked in introspection. Placing a soft hand on his shoulder, he still jumped at your light touch as Rascal scampered down onto the floor, heading to the foyer armchair.

“She’s right you know…” you murmured, tucking yourself into his side as he drew a tentative arm around your waist. “You’re not alone in all this” you encouraged, watching Rascal blink lazily atop the cozy quilt.

“S’not my secret to tell…” Joel rasped, his brows furrowed in concentration. “But…the time’s comin’. Comin’ for a reckoning…” he cautioned, swaying lightly with you enclosed in his grasp. You darkly pondered his meaning, looking forlornly around the nearly completed bookshop. 

“Gonna have to start letting people in soon” you remarked, smiling at Rascal and pointing to the perpetually “closed” sign in the doorway.

“Soon” Joel nodded gazing down at your face affectionately and pressing his lips lightly to yours. “Very soon…”

The rest of the week passed quickly, as you prepared for the upcoming patrol. You couldn’t calm the horrendous gnawing sensation that was eating away at you from within, but you knew that this was the next necessary step in finding solutions. You and Ellie commiserated more than a few times before the fateful day when Joel, Tommy, Levi and others would head back to Elk Creek to pick up the much needed monthly supplies. It was time to put this shaky union to the test. 

You were spending more and more time at the Millers, so it came as no surprise when Joel invited you to spend the night. His eyes twinkled mischievously when he confessed that he had already “talked to the kid”. While you giggled tremendously imagining the comedy of that situation, he had led you upstairs, inviting you into his bed. The night was filled with cuddling, laughter and kisses as you discussed your dreams for the future Bookshop. You were already excited to introduce your students to a new town library and Joel was already suggesting your next literary venture once “Crime and Punishment” was done. Currently it was the coziest Book Club for two, but there was a world where you could expand to officially include Ellie and other commune members who were interested.

While the ease of your rapport wasn’t surprising, Joel’s modesty was, blushing a bright red as you pushed your ass back against his hips. You felt him stiffen in more ways than one, as he chuckled shyly. “Can we wait a little darlin’?” his Southern drawl already had you melting under his touch as you turned your head to meet his gaze. “Wanna take my time with you, and if we…get together now, I’m not gonna last nearly as long as you deserve”.

You gulped with arousal, twisting your body to meet his and collapsing back into him. “Don’t need any more than this, Joel. But I hope I can motivate you to come back from patrol as soon as possible” you tantalized, grinding your hips against his as he inhaled quickly through his mouth.

“Don’t have to tell me twice” he teased, smashing his lips into yours for another passionate kiss. And so the night passed sweetly, encased in one other’s arms, housed in your den of solace. It wasn’t until the early morning hours that you awoke to Joel’s bristling beard at the nape of your neck signaling the start of the dreaded patrol. Entangled in one another’s embrace you tried to soak up every freckle, every wrinkle and every smile on Joel’s face, memorizing his visage as though wondering if you would ever see it again. Eventually you both begrudgingly lumbered down the stairs, meeting Ellie who had already prepared a hearty breakfast for Joel’s exit. You had expected the interaction to be more awkward, but Ellie was mostly focused on Joel’s safety…and arguing for her future participation when she was a bit older. You smiled tenderly at the easy conversation and teasing tonality. Please. Please. Let this be the start of my next story. Not the tragic ending of a narrative just begun. You caught yourself staring at Joel longingly, and trying to keep your thoughts focused on possibility, not tragedy.

And then he was gone. Grabbing his winter coat and supplies, you had all decided to keep the goodbyes short and unemotional. Joel would be back in three days. There was no purpose in histrionics or dramatics. Just another three days, and Joel would be back in your arms, and the commune would have more supplies and more resources for the long respite till Spring.

Three days.

Tapping your pencil nervously against the school desk you looked around at the cornucopia of students taking an impromptu test on agriculture and harvesting techniques. Ellie looked up tentatively to lock eyes with you. Three days.

You had a faint recognition of the Biblical telling of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. Surely nothing else had felt nearly as interminable.

Two days.

Gone were the times of cell phones and emails. No news broadcast that allowed you to focus your attention on outlooks or predictions. Just Maria’s solemn face in the town meeting hall as you wordlessly nodded in her direction. The hours ticked by, as slow as molasses. You and Ellie had spent several hours, trying to wrangle the remaining refurbishment of The Bookshop before Joel’s return. Every evening, you had methodically read and re-read the confession of Rascalnikov and thought of Joel. Wondered where he was. Wondered at his safety. Wondered if he were thinking of you. The pages of your book started to fray and tatter slightly at the corners as you wore them down doggedly.

One day.

You were hesitantly happy for another day at school, desperately trying to focus on the current curriculum of World History and corresponding literature. You had already begun tantalizing the class with the promise of an upcoming field trip to the “soon to be opened” bookshop, with library options galore. You bit your lower lip in a mixture of anxiety and anticipation. Joel. Joel. Come back. Joel. You felt nearly crawling out of your skin. Where was Joel? Drawing your focus meticulously back to a description of the Civil War, it wasn’t until you heard the flurried footfalls of Ellie across the outer deck that your heart lurched with foreboding. Ellie flung the door open, pausing heatedly as the entire class craned their necks with curiosity.

“Come quick Teach, the patrol is back!” Ellie shouted, though your countenance immediately fell from enthusiasm to concern noticing the tear streaks lining her face.

“What happened?” you croaked, dropping the chalk to the ground quietly as the classroom collectively held its breath.

“Only ten men came back…there’s no Levi, and barely any supplies. Just come quick, Teach…it's Joel.

Joel is hurt.”

@morallyinept @littlemisspascal @wannabe-urs

@beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox 

@wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya 

@schnarfer @devineconjuring @mermaidgirl30 @mandolover37 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog 

@joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk @sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin @zaniasky @quicax3

Pedge Bookshop Art

Oooh, this was fun! A huge thank you to @auteurdelabre for our beautiful Coloring Book! I hope you will check out Pedge's Bookshop, as this rendering is based on the integration of "Crime and Punishment" themes that closely resemble "The Last of Us".

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”

“To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's.”

“The man who has a conscience suffers whilst acknowledging his sin. That is his punishment.”

“Man has it all in his hands, and it all slips through his fingers from sheer cowardice.”

“Break what must be broken, once for all, that's all, and take the suffering on oneself.”

Happy reading! This fan art took a little over a day. I've never used my i-pad for coloring and writing, so this was a fun adventure

Pedge's Bookshop The Dream

Bookshop: As per your recommendation, Joel is our shop owner. I think there's something appealing in a man who says little, but obviously feels so much. I just finished reading Pedge's rec for "Crime and Punishment" and it's a doozy. Joel has a lot...or very little say about it.

Triggers: y'all I was in a MOOD for this one, spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", "Last of Us" canon, injury/violence/murder/abuse/nudity, spiritual concepts, nightmare scenario, crying...geez...maybe read this later...

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 1k

Joel stared resolutely at the stairwell, heading into the hallway and was met by the flickering fluorescence of the hospital corridor. His head was pounding with a dull throbbing, which he was all but oblivious to, as the steely taste of iron permeated his senses. He had to get to Ellie. It might already be too late. The childlike paintings and mildewed toys added a bizarre foreboding, as he carefully and quickly moved down the hall with the gun concretely nestled in his shoulder. He had lost count of how many bodies fell under the weight of his quick precision, as he continued, unblinking, towards the main Operating Room. Only stopping for a moment to reload, he quietly entered the darkened environment, quickly observing three individuals.

Without a moment’s hesitation he dispatched the surgeon, hearing the scalpel clatter helplessly to the floor. On the operating table, he saw the delicate feet of the small body, limp and lifeless. The nearby nurses were screaming for mercy, but it was hush under the din of blood rushing to his ears. 

Ellie. 

He gestured for the nurses to step aside as he neared the table with an almost sacred anticipation.

Sarah. 

Joel froze in longing terror as the angelic face of Sarah stared up into his face, arms outstretched and reaching for his touch. An unbidden cry escaped his mouth as the nurses vanished like phantasms and a burgeoning circle of blood blossomed across her abdomen. 

“You let me die” Sarah neutrally observed, blood now covering the expanse of her surgical gown, as Joel dropped to his knees in placation.

“Babygirl, I tried, I tried…” he whimpered, drawing both hands to his face in abject horror, opening his eyes to see the unfeeling and lifeless face of the surgeon on the floor before him. The surgeon’s eyes opened gravely, a strange smile spreading across his face, much like a Cheshire grin. His body began to convulse with laughter, a maniacal mirth dripping from the tones of his otherwise melodious voice. Joel reached behind him for the hunting knife housed in his belt, stabbing the surgeon in the chest. But the surgeon continued to laugh, tendrils of infection now spreading around Joel’s wrists drawing the knife forward and back repeatedly.

Joel fearfully looked up, noticing that Ellie was sitting up on the hospital gurney, watching him voraciously. He ripped the knife from the vice-like grip of the surgeon, and scooped Ellie up in his arms. “Let’s get out of here…” he muttered, stepping over the body of the doctor and heading for the hospital doors. Reaching the hallway, Ellie was no longer in his arms, but a row of doors opened on either side, each one housed with a familiar face.

The occupants held an eerie awareness, staring unflinchingly at Joel as he walked down the hall towards a silhouetted figure at the end of the walkway. He saw his brother’s visage gazing skeptically, and Maria perched in another doorway, holding her stomach. On the left hand side was Tess, covered in infected tendrils, and to the right Marlene had a gaping wound in her abdomen, and was fingering a hand held revolver at her side. Joel quickened his pace as he walked towards the lit figure, hoping against hopes that Ellie had somehow escaped from this medical nightmare.

Nearing the hooded figure he breathed a sigh of relief seeing your face revealed to him in an almost ethereal glow. You were standing before him otherwise naked, but he couldn’t look away from your eyes. They were radiating with a compassionate warmth, glistening with tears and awash with empathy. Joel fell to his knees helplessly, reaching out for your supple form and gulping back his own tears.

“I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t save her…” he repeated over and over again, sinking lower and lower still into the floor. Returning to meet your gaze he was horrified to see the looming figure of Levi towering behind you, dragging a foreboding palm across your bare midriff.

“Get away from her…” Joel growled, reaching for the knife once again, but finding himself completely devoid of weapons other than his own fists which balled aggressively at his sides.

“She was mine first” Levi drawled, twisting your head to the side and licking a long stripe of lust across the upward turn of your neck. Joel saw blood red as he lunged for Levi’s legs, tackling him to the ground in a feral rage. Tendrils of infection blossomed out of Levi’s mouth, but Joel paid it no mind. He was pummeling Levi again and again, oblivious to his own well-being, a creature of violence and murder. Again and again, his heart pounded in his chest, no longer aware of Ellie or Sarah or you…only focused on the singular goal of overwhelming vehemence. This was beyond choice. Beyond awareness. There was a road of destiny and Joel was fated to follow it. At some point, he looked down at his own bloodied and mangled hands, only to discover that he was beating the wooden floor, splintered and shattered, but all that remained was his own self-destruction.

Your beautiful silhouette was now poised at the opposite end of the hallway, as Ellie and Sarah stood at your sides. Joel shakily stood to his feet, feeling the blood drip onto the wooden floors. The hall occupants were continuing to stare in judgement, as a great chasm began to deepen at the center of the walkway, but Joel was paralyzed with indecision. He was completely rooted to the spot, unable to move and unable to articulate a single word. His body was a frozen skeleton of rigidity and helplessness as his hands hung like weighted anchors at his side. He opened his mouth to scream, but floating and delicate bands of infection cascaded forward, tickling his throat and wrapping themselves around his neck and jaw.

He tried to scream your name until…

Joel awoke, covered in sweat and gripping the sheets desperately. His chest heaved with a heaviness he hadn’t allowed himself to fully feel in years. Muscles aching with the imaginary weight of nightmarish terrors, his face was covered with the dry salt of tears long since cried. His throat was raw and dry with the winter’s chill, as he sat upright, feverishly clawing at the back of his neck.

He had to tell you. There were so many things you didn’t know about Ellie, and the unquestionable things he had done to protect her. What he would do to protect you. What he would do to anyone that threatened the people he loved. He didn’t know how you would respond. He just knew you were a kindred spirit. A companion in his solace of suffering. A beacon of hope in a world that grew increasingly dark. For so long, he had questioned his capacity to love and be loved, but in that moment, he knew that it didn’t matter. Maybe suffering was the spiritual bond that engages man to Divine Love itself. Joel sank back on the bed, willing his heart to stop pounding as though racing out of his chest. Maybe he didn’t know how to love. But if suffering was his key to eternity, he was assured that he could follow his heart all the way to wherever it led….

Pedge's Bookshop Before...

Grab a Latte! You deserve a sweet treat! Why don't you check out "The Book of Love" from @jolalibrary before heading into The Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", references to prostitution/murder/suicide/pregnancy/alcohol, bar-room proposition, spiritual ponderings...

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

Ellie’s laughter devolved into an impish snort as you scoffed from the sidelines. “What do you call an alligator with a vest?” You rolled your eyes placatingly, though secretly wondering what the answer was. “Huh, Teach? Give up?” You playfully tossed a copy of “Another Country” into her lap for the Literature Section. “An inVESTigator! Get it? VESTigator?” she doubled over in obnoxious laughter as you smirked by the adjacent bookshelf.

“Soon I’m going to suggest you add more of these puns to your project and papers” you teased, determined to bring order to the History and Geography section, such as it was. “How’s it coming with ‘Crime and Punishment’?” you mused, shaking your head slightly at the sorry condition of George Orwell’s copy of “1984” as it crossed your vision. Ellie poked her head out from the nearby aisle, suddenly intense. 

“I love it” she bantered. “I’m way ahead of Joel, he got stuck at the funeral dinner. Snake Eyes finally did himself in, and Rascal is thinking about confessing to Sophia” Ellie’s eyes sparkled victoriously. Your face registered a somewhat feigned look of shock and awe, as you inhaled quickly.

“Joel is falling behind on his homework assignments! I’ll have to dock points for that mis-step” you jested, heading over to the wood burning stove for your second cup of coffee.

“I guess we can cut him some slack after all these patrols” Ellie mumbled, obviously concerned, as the afternoon hours laboriously passed. You nodded your head solemnly. It had been your recommendation to put Levi and his posse to the test via controlled observation and limited patrol participation. You wanted to give Maria some viable options, you just hadn’t realized it was going to absorb so much of Joel’s time away. The thought of Levi somehow manipulating Joel, or negatively influencing his viewpoint was more of a worry than you had realized.

“I miss him too” you muttered quietly, as the front bell rang amicably. Rascal the Cat answered with a happy meow, as Maria tentatively entered The Bookshop.

“Anybody home?” she questioned, as Ellie’s face optimistically brightened.

“Hey Maria! When are you going to pop?” Ellie toyed, skipping towards her playfully, joined by Rascal underfoot.

“I AM starting to feel like a balloon” Maria shook her head exhaustedly. “I’m loathe to admit it, but the new visitors have taken on a lot of the commune patrol responsibilities, which is helpful. I just wish I knew more about them…” she paused distractedly. “I take it Joel isn’t back yet?”.

“Still on the latest patrol” you mourned, looking around The Bookshop dejectedly. You longed for the days of relative peace, before the visitors had joined your otherwise safe environment. “Oh! I set aside some reading material, if you wanted it!” you chimed in, grabbing a small stack of maternity related material. Some of it was obsolete at best, but you hoped it might provide a sense of comfort.

“Ah! Thanks Teach, we like homework too!” Maria smiled, patting her own tummy affectionately. “Reminds me of my law-school days…” she took the stack of books, setting them maternally on her hip. “Can you let Joel know I dropped by?”.

Ellie winced sensitively. “I’ll tell him, but you know how Joel is”. Maria rolled her eyes sympathetically.

“He thinks I don’t like him” Maria stated straightforwardly, looking around the cozy interior of The Bookshop appraisingly.

“You said it, not me” Ellie retorted, shrugging her shoulders.

“I’d love to blame my hormones, but he’s not entirely wrong” Maria offered, huffing with exasperation. “He’s family, after all. I know he shares a deep bond with his brother. It’s just a time in Tommy’s life I was never connected to. I guess I’m just a cynic…” she grumbled.

“Sounds like a Mama Bear to me” you smiled encouragingly. “A leader”.

Maria chuckled skeptically. “Well, soon I won’t be able to do as much. I’ve got to acknowledge that” she begrudgingly admitted. “Tommy just mentioned Joel’s observations from the redemptive strike at Elk Creek, that caught my attention…”.

“Like what?” Ellie demanded, already suspicious. You swallowed dryly, curious as to his perceptions, but simultaneously anxious. What had happened once Levi joined the expedition?

“Ellie, this isn’t a council meeting, and you’re still a kid” Maria chided, shifting the books to her other hip deftly.

“Right, cause I don’t already live with the guy who never says anything?” Ellie countered, already gently willing to spar, even with a pregnant, adult woman.  Maria pursed her lips thoughtfully.

“He just said…” Maria stopped abruptly, cautiously considering once again. “Joel said they barely made it out alive. If Levi and his posse hadn’t shown up, he wasn’t sure if the patrol party would have survived. They were really hunkered down, and the renegades had the upper hand…until Levi…Well, something about help showing up at exactly the right time. But even Joel said there was something about Levi that seemed…unhinged.”

The Bookshop fell silent as you considered Joel’s observations. That sounded accurate, based on your previous interactions, over 20 years ago. You hadn’t immediately experienced anything overt under Levi’s employ, but there was always something about him that was morally deficit. A kind of existential boredom that seemed to permeate everything he did, or didn’t do. You wondered at his beliefs, or his passions, when he didn’t seem to have any. Even his rage and passion seemed to have a dull, almost inhuman quality to it and there always seemed to be a certain bankruptcy of spirit, in all of his choices. In your time together, he often seemed to falsely declare a liberalism of mind, or a freedom of philosophy, but when all things are permissible, there was a certain moral abdication that must be present. If nothing is really evil, than how can you actually tell what is good?

“I don’t trust that guy” Ellie growled, distractedly looking out the window, as though hoping Joel were already back from the afternoon patrol. You set your jaw resolutely, attempting to withhold judgement. The Miller Family had offered you a tremendous amount of compassion and mercy. You couldn’t, in all honesty, ignore their charity, you just weren’t sure if Levi was a worthy recipient.

“I wonder if Joel and Levi aren’t more alike than dissimilar…” Maria almost whispered to herself before Ellie responded with incredulity.

“You’re shitting me!”. You and Maria both cocked your eyebrows sky high, anticipating the emotional barrage. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…language, language, language. You cannot compare that douchebag to your own brother-in-law!” Ellie placed her hands on her hips in a decidedly Joel-like posture as Rascal smugly stared back. “You know Joel is the reason I’m even alive, you should be thanking him for everything he does!” she took an accusatory step towards Maria who placed a hand up placatingly.

“You’re right, you’re right…” Maria surrendered, lowering her gaze to the ground. “Just something I can’t figure. Call it hormones, call it intuition. I don’t doubt Joel’s intentionality for one second, but that’s not something I can say about Levi”.

Ellie nodded curtly, temporarily sated. There was no world where you would consider Joel in the same breath as a man like Levi…and yet….Maria was right. There was something about Joel that continued to be mysterious and enigmatic. Dark and seductive. It was easy to see, having delved into the deeper spaces of your own past, and equally pointless to ignore it. Perhaps at some point, it would finally be time to reveal those true secrets that remained in the haunting shadows.

You and Ellie worked for several more hours before she headed home to complete the day’s tasks. Joel should be arriving in the evening hours and you had tentatively opted to meet at the Tipsy Bison to celebrate his return. You were excited to update him on The Bookshop’s progress, but inwardly perseverating on the earlier conversation. Would Joel’s mysteries ever reveal themselves? Every human was capable of tremendous atrocity, and the only thing separating a saint from a sinner, seemed to be an intentionality of spirit. Or, as Maria had previously said, so many of us are one and the same. Your mind was already swirling with questions by the time you entered the potent bar atmosphere.

You didn’t often frequent the Tipsy Bison, instead preferring a quiet night at home, reading a book, or recently, avoiding the likes of Levi and his gang. But if you were going to take on a more administrative role in the commune, you needed to objectively consider Levi’s petition for commune inclusion. Joel had already brought more confidence and acceptance into your life, it was time to step into that security and stop deflecting. Time to stop being so afraid. If Levi’s presence allowed Maria a respite, and added protection to Joel’s already dangerous patrols, you wanted to believe you could overcome your own sense of insecurity.

You tentatively stepped up to the counter and ordered a whiskey, neat, anticipating Joel’s arrival sooner rather than later. One of the commune residents was quietly playing a guitar in the corner, and individuals were grouped in conversation and activity around the cozy room. You had just begun to settle in, when the noisy group from the patrol abruptly barged inside.

Your breath immediately hitched in your throat, looking for any sign of Joel, but unintentionally catching the lascivious grins of Levi’s gang. You weren’t sure what Levi had told them exactly, but it can’t have been good. Where was Joel? Maybe being here alone wasn’t such a good idea. As if on cue, one of the visitors sallied up to the bar, decidedly close to you, as you watched his hands twitch menacingly at his sides.

“Well hey there pretty lady, Levi tells me y’all are old friends…” he drawled, revealing a yellowing set of teeth. His rancid breath fanned across your face as you attempted to hide your immediate repulsion. 

“I wouldn’t call us friends, per se” your steely glare didn’t give the unwelcome visitor any cause for misunderstanding, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing your upper thigh possessively.

“Maybe MORE than friends?” he spat, digging his fingers into the flesh of your thigh, as raucous laughter echo’d around you. It had been a long time since you found yourself in a situation like this, but you felt your entire body tighten like a wound coil, poised to pounce.

“Best to leave her alone…” a familiar voice interrupted, as the hair on the back of your neck bristled uncomfortably. Rotating slowly in acknowledgement, a grimy hand gripped the visitor’s shoulder threateningly. You were unsurprised, but dismayed to see the foreboding profile of Levi enter your periphery, as the visitor stalled in their proposition.

“Just some harmless fun, s’all” he attempted to back pedal, before Levi shoved him to the ground stolidly. 

“Get your drink and move along” Levi threatened before watching him shakily stand to his feet and slink away into the corner. Levi’s lip curled upward, smug in the opportunity to act as your unbidden savior in this moment.

“Thanks” you muttered, your lips a thin line of vehemence, attempting to bite back a sarcastic diatribe. Damned if Levi didn’t always show up when you least wanted to take advantage of any opportunity under false pretenses. 

“My pleasure” Levi whispered into your ear, a tingling band of revulsion abrasively shooting down your spine. “Always like to act the hero…” he muttered, breathing in your fragrance deeply, before the bar doors opened once again to reveal Joel’s broad frame.

His hair was wetly slicked back, having apparently stopped at the house for a quick shower before joining you. You shivered slightly under the spell of his powerful and well-timed appearance, as Levi slowly withdrew to the shadowed corners with his cohorts. That was close.

Joel strode purposefully towards you, wrapping a protective arm around your waist. “You okay?” he pointedly asked, waving the bartender away. You nodded succinctly, not entirely sure if the answer was yes, warily watching Levi from where he lecherously looked on.

“Let’s get out of here…” you grumbled, downing the whiskey in one shot and shrugging Joel’s concerned touch from your back. The ensuing laughter echo’d behind you as you burst through the bar doors and began trudging through the dirtied snow.

“Will ya wait up a second?” Joel called after you, his knees already aching from the long, daily patrols. You were gripping your sides tightly, attempting to ignore Joel’s penetrative gaze, burrowing forward into the wintry wind. “What’d he say? Did he hurt ya?” Joel stopped you, looking into your face for any indication.

“He was my go-between Joel!” you shouted, shrugging with exasperation. “I thought I’d never have to see him again, and here comes every vestige of my past, threatening my very real future!” your voice cracked with defeat. Joel ran his hands warmly up and down your arms, offering solace and a listening ear. For some reason, it only added fuel to your irrational ire. “The only thing you can count on Levi for is ruining a good thing!” you tried to explain, twisting out of Joel’s strong grasp, nearly slipping in the snow. Joel widened his stance to brace yours, grasping at your waist in solidarity. “What has he told you? Are you all trading tales about the slut? Don’t tell me he hasn’t tried!” you shouted into Joel’s face over the din of the seasonal bluster and nearby bar sounds.

“I don’t give a fuck what Levi says or thinks!” Joel returned, your eyes widening softly at his immediate transparency. “Only thing I care about is you, Teach!” he held you solidly in his grasp, anchoring you to the iron core of his protective nature. You sniffled timidly, taking in his meaning. “Now can we go home? It’s freezing out here and my back is killing me!” his eyes crinkled good-naturedly at the corners, as you smiled tenderly. You nodded emphatically, as Joel wrapped his arm around your shoulders, tucking you in to the steel-like nook of his side. Stumbling together, you headed back to the Miller household, casting an occasional glance behind you at the receding town bar. You almost expected Levi to haunt every opportunity from here on out. How would you be able to find a moment’s peace with the ever-present and nebulous foreboding of Levi’s enigmatic personhood? Finally reaching Joel’s house, you both paused in the living room to see Ellie’s bedroom light casting shadows down the stairwell.

“Already talked to the kid” Joel gestured, shaking flakes of snow out of his hair and off his shoulders. “Said that Maria dropped by today with some questions…”.

Your mouth parted with surprise. Here you were, worried about Levi’s influence and you hadn’t even mentioned Maria’s. “She’s just as naturally suspicious of Levi as I am. As we ALL should be” you warned, keeping your voice secretive. “You didn’t tell me he saved your life” your voice gained a newfound warmth as your eyes brimmed with tears. Levi might be a lot of things, but if he really had saved Joel’s life, that was a debt you wouldn’t be able to easily repay.

“Hate to admit it, but it’s true” Joel confessed bitterly. “If he and his posse hadn’t shown up when they did, we wouldn’t be talkin’ right now. Don’t mean I trust the guy. But I’m not above using him to protect what I love” he finished confidently, taking you by the hand. You swallowed the lump of emotion that had unexpectedly risen in your throat, leading him to the couch and sitting together quietly. You gazed pensively at the fire, now dwindling by the hearth, Joel’s copy of “Crime and Punishment” sitting on the coffee table before you.

“You know, I was thinking about that quote from Svidrigaylov this afternoon when Ellie and I were tidying up” you began, laying your head lightly on Joel’s shoulder. He hummed with approval, kicking off his boots and resting his feet atop the hand made coffee table.

“Good 'ole Snake Eyes. Ellie says I won’t have to listen to him for much longer…” he mused, yawning tiredly.

“She’s right” you agreed. “Before he dies, he talks about his beliefs. His ideas about eternity…”.

“Wouldn’t think a guy like Snake-Eyes would have any beliefs to speak of” Joel’s voice rumbled lowly in his chest, buzzing against your skin.

“He doesn’t. He manages to fool even himself, up until the end. He wonders at man’s desire for a vast forever, an eternity that is redemptive and never ending” you pondered, leaning forward for a moment and thumbing through the pages of the book.

“Here…he says, ‘We always imagine eternity as something beyond our conception, something vast, vast. But why must it be vast?” Joel shifted with discomfort, unsure how to answer Dostoyevsky's literary question. “But what if eternity is one little room, black and grimy with spiders in every corner?” your voice trailed off suddenly unsure, watching the embers of the fire die down into flickering remnants of their earlier glory. “What if he’s right?” you finally asked, turning your head upwards to meet Joel’s gaze.

“Who? Snake-Eyes?” Joel scoffed, his jaw ticking curiously from side to side. “Hell, I don’t know, Teach. I’m no philosopher” he paused to listen to the crackling fire as it breathed its last. “A man would do…almost anything if he believed it was right. But a man with NO beliefs? What kind of eternity is that?” Joel whispered, almost as though to himself.

You didn’t know the answer to that question. There were so many unknowns in a world of constantly shifting ideals and dangers. You snuggled closer into Joel’s side as your eyelids drooped heavily with exhaustion. No more questions for tonight. Just the fire. And Joel. And the hope that tomorrow would have more light than the current darkness of night. A belief that somehow, Love might prevail, whether you understood the future, or not.

Pedge's Bookshop The Calm

Grab a Latte! in the foyer with this sweet fic "Just a Cover" by @popcornforone before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, yay lite smut!, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", references to alcohol/prostitution/murder/rape/death...

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Having Levi and his posse sulk around the commune for the last several weeks was a tumultuous backdrop to the real foreground of your attention; Joel. While the visitors were slated to leave by the end of the month, that did nothing to quell your fears of town gossip or possible altercation. The main protection and acceptance you were currently enjoying was from Joel, and you never wanted it to end.

After that fateful dinner you had expected the participants to shun you or at least offer silent judgement from a watchful distance. But, if anything, it had only seemed to intensify your unique connection to the extended Miller Family. Somehow your own self-perceived fall from grace had engendered more of their affection and resolution. Maria was intent on discussing more of your leadership responsibilities, Tommy seemed exceptionally pleased that Joel and you were spending more time together. Even Ellie was paying rapt attention in class, and seemed to have an ever greater sense of care and support during your interactions. And Joel. Joel had surprised you most of all.

His once stolid and nearly gruff appearance had softened in almost every way; at least when he was around you. You were almost spending more time at the Bookshop than at school, not just to avoid the wandering eyes of Levi and his group, but to vanish in the safety of literature, coffee and your newfound burgeoning relationship with Joel. It was far too early to label anything at this point. You inwardly smirked at the incredulity of it all. A boyfriend, in the midst of the apocalypse? But yours was more than a passing friendship. There was an innate understanding, an “other-ness” that you somehow shared, and within that, had found a sense of belonging. You just didn’t know how far that belonging actually extended.

With Ellie’s help you had nearly finished the Arts and Recreation section, but were newly entrenched in the Literature categorization. Not that you were complaining. Almost everyday, if Joel wasn’t on a patrol, or the school day didn’t encapsulate your existence, you could be found at The Bookshop. Not that Joel ever let anyone shop there. Besides you, Rascal the Cat was his most loyal customer. And while the Bookshop was still in assembly, there was another somewhat clandestine reason; Joel couldn’t keep his hands off you. Only occasionally caught in a lip-lock by Tommy or Ellie, even this indulgence was becoming steadily more difficult, as you found unique ways to extend your ongoing “literary discussion”.

You had already unpacked the varied interpretations of the title, “Crime and Punishment”, indicating that the Russian word for crime was much more indicative of “transgression”. This seemed vaguely appropriate as you lost your train of thought with Joel’s stubbled beard and soft lips winding their way across your clavicle, your voice hitching raspily in your own throat. You tried to explain the import of interpretations like “crossing a line” or “stepping across a barrier”, but that was hard to do when Joel had your eyes rolling back in your head languidly as he cupped your breasts softly in his massive hands. So much for academic objectivity.

One night after Ellie had gone upstairs, you and Joel sat, kissing quietly in front of the living room fireplace, two untouched glasses of whiskey sitting on the handmade coffee table beside you. Joel’s hands had found themselves weighted at your waist, his calloused fingers teasing the hemline of your shirt, tickling the bare skin just beneath. You were straddled across his lap, your breasts nearly in his face as you cupped his jawline tenderly between two hands, licking into his mouth. Pausing to catch your breath, you gently relaxed atop him, feeling his hardened length beneath. You sat lower, wiping his lower lip tenderly with your thumb. 

“I think you might be one of my best students…” you drawled, winking lazily at him, as he gazed darkly back.

“What’dya think Teach, am I gonna get a good grade in class?” his voice edged lowly, making sure to keep quiet, lest Ellie get an earful of your evening activities from upstairs.

“Well, you’ve been doing so much, HANDS-ON…” at this you ground your hips in a circle over Joel’s tented pants, eliciting a groaning growl from him as you clapped a cautious hand over his mouth… “…extra-credit this semester. I would say your grade is rising as we speak…” you taunted, reveling in the pained delight that registered across Joel’s brow. He looked up at your showcased cleavage, licking his lips slowly with anticipation.

“And what about the oral examinations?” he mumbled into your neck, dragging his lips across the delicate skin of your décolletage. “When do those begin?” he teased, sucking lightly, just below your ear, drawing forth small giggles from your trembling mouth. You were just about to answer when Ellie’s door opened, her head buried behind Joel’s copy of “Crime and Punishment”.

“Snake-Eyes DIES?!” she exclaimed somewhere between disbelief and delight, slowly descending the stairs as you repositioned yourselves more appropriately, at arms length. You had just finished smoothing your shirt and adopting an innocent expression when she placed herself in front of you, cocking an eyebrow quizzically.

“I know you’re making out. It’s fine” she bluntly offered, Joel rolling his eyes with exasperation. 

“Did ya need somethin’?” he huffed, crossing his arms with frustration, before joining her line of questioning. “Snake Eyes DIES?!” he scoffed, looking over at you for confirmation. You shrugged enigmatically, a small smile already plastered across your contented face.

“He fucking offs himself!” Ellie smiled, not even attempting to hide her disdain. “I know, I know…LANGUAGE…” she interrupted before Joel even had a chance. But after attacking Dunya and arguing with Rascal. And probably killing the old lady, and maybe harassing the girl. I did NOT see that coming…” she shook her head confusedly.

“Well good-riddance!” Joel shouted, “…sounds like he had it comin’! Only…don’t get too far ahead of me, I only just finished readin’ the dinner scene…” he pouted, kicking Ellie’s boot with his own as she smiled mischievously. 

“Doesn’t seem like you have a lot of time for readin’ lately!” she toyed, dangling the book in front of Joel’s face before he grabbed it defensively, with a knowing grin. 

“Alright, alright…apologize to Teach before she heads home. Sounds like I need to do some research to catch up with y’all” he confessed.

“What am I apologizin’ for exactly?” Ellie sarcastically argued, reaching for the book which Joel swiftly held out of her reach. 

“Seems to me you still owe that report about weather cycles affecting crop rotation and seasonal climate shifts…” you offered, grabbing a pillow in anticipatory defense.

“Snitch” Ellie grinned, grabbing another pillow and hitting your own, before disappearing back upstairs and calling behind her, “BE SURE TO USE A CONDOM!”

“ELLIE!” Joel bellowed, standing to his feet with irritation as you covered your mouth to stifle the latest bout of giggling. Joel stood poised with his hands on his hips, mid-scowl, before noticing your squeaks of embarrassment, his frustration beginning to fade into the distance as he watched you unravel before him. An impish smirk appeared on his face, as he tossed the book to the side and draped his broad form above you.

“Something funny, Teach?” he asked, peppering your sternum with chaste and not so chaste kisses, as your laughter died down to soft hums of approval.

“She sees a lot” you observed, tucking your hands into the back pockets of his jeans as he gently lowered himself to your chest, snuggling in for a respite. 

“This okay? M’not squashin’ ya?” he mumbled into your chest, as his body incrementally relaxed atop you. Guiding your fingers through his peppered locks of hair you parted your legs slightly to capture more of his weight. 

“I’m a bit more durable than all that” you managed, relishing his supine figure before you. After a few minutes the room settled into a contented quiet, so much so that you wondered if Joel had fallen asleep before his low voice tentatively drawled, “You know, you can tell me anything. Anything in the world…” he gulped, unwilling to break the magnetic spell the two of you had crafted, before turning his head upward to catch your gaze. “Just want you to feel safe. Safe as…” he paused, considering his next words cautiously… “…safe as I feel with you” he finished, resting his head back on your chest sweetly. Your heart swelled within you. You didn’t feel a sense of shame, exactly. But wondering how Joel might react to the details of your past was carving a hole in your potential intimacy, and you welcomed the open door of conversation.

“I was young…” you started, as Joel’s head whipped up attentively, shifting his weight to the side of your body on the couch so he could get a better look at you. “I had made it to grad school, but my parents weren’t in the picture so much, and money was starting to get tight”. Joel fixedly held your stare, willing you to feel his support and encouragement if you needed it. “One of my friends had experimented with webcams…Remember those?” you chuckled, as Joel nodded in affirmation, nudging you forward. “Seemed harmless enough at the time. I made a little money with simple tasks at first, but soon I got connected to Levi…”. Joel seemed to stop breathing at the mention of his name, his jaw ticking slightly with restraint. “Well…you’ve met him. He always seem to show up at the ‘right’ moment. Saving the day, but somehow taking advantage simultaneously”. Joel breathed deeply, reaching a hand up to stroke your back in wide circles. “He assured me everything would stay virtual, until…well it didn’t. I was definitely complicit, but before I knew it, I was essentially a call-girl, and everything was very much in-person. Levi decided to really play up the ‘teacher’ aspect of my persona, and it became my calling card. It felt ridiculous to be pursuing my Masters in Education, all the while playing up those same qualities in…more intimate situations” your face reddened slightly at the confession. “It wasn’t really what I wanted. But it paid the bills. And it was my choice. A choice Levi definitely took advantage of, but my choice nonetheless. Sometimes it actually felt empowering. Until…it didn’t…” you trailed off, remembering some of the darker details of those years.

“Should I not call you by that nickname? I didn’t know…” Joel shifted upwards on his forearms, before you halted him mid-apology. 

“I love it. It was always my dream. I love being a teacher, and I don’t regret the choices I made to bring those dreams to fruition. Maybe it didn’t happen the way I dreamt, but it’s still mine” you shook your head with surprise as you articulated your clandestine thoughts for the first time. “Still think you’re one of my best students, Miller” you whispered toyingly, noticing Joel’s cheeks gain a pinkish tint as his chest rumbled in affirmation.

“Looking forward to those oral exams, whenever you feel ready” Joel jested, drawing you in for an extended, passionate kiss. You sighed quietly into his mouth, before he pensively pulled back. “Don’t want you to feel like you have to keep secrets with me” he mused, bringing his forehead tenderly to yours. 

You breathed one another in for several minutes before you hesitantly whispered, “Feel the same way Joel. You know you can tell me anything”. Joel sighed a deep breath of contemplation, rallying himself for the next step.

“Ellie mentioned…my Sarah?” he mumbled, gazing downward so much so that you only saw the beauty of his lashes flitting quickly. 

“YOU mentioned Sarah…” Joel’s quick intake of air at her name, flashed painfully across his face and yours, as his eyesight rose haltingly to catch your own. 

“When…?” he croaked, before closing his eyes in remembrance. “That night…I couldn’t get her outta my head” he nodded, thinking back on the drunken conversation several weeks ago. “The patrol was a nightmare. And…worried about Ellie and you…” he trailed off, trying to piece together the sketchy details, but just reflecting on Sarah’s smile. “You’d’ve liked her” his voice cracked sweetly as you abruptly grasped him around the torso, smashing your face into his chest.

“You don’t have to say anything” the tears welled up within you, desperate to somehow remove the searing pain of loss.

“Not much to tell now” he nearly whimpered. “I had her…and then…I didn’t. Coulda done more. S’my fault…” his throat closed with emotion as you squeezed him tighter still.

“I see the way you love Ellie” you managed to get out thickly. “Can’t convince me otherwise. I know a good dad when I see one…” you encouraged, reaching up to wipe away your tears cascading into Joel’s telltale plaid shirt.

“Nothing I wouldn’t do for that girl” his voice took on a serrated edge, as you pulled back to gaze at him appraisingly. “She mention anything about…how we came to Jacksonville?” he faltered, unsure of his next steps.

“She told me about The Preacher” you swallowed dryly, watching a flicker of rage pass over Joel’s face quickly as he nodded curtly. 

“There’s things…” he tried to continue but was steadily growing more tense “…things you don’t know about Ellie. Or me…” he bit down hard, his mouth a thin line of resolution, watching your eyes narrow judiciously before placing a single finger over his lips wisely.

“What have you done to yourself?” you murmured rhetorically as Joel’s eyes painfully closed, a single tear disappearing into the scruff of his beard. And there you stayed, held in one another’s arms for the evening, until finding a restless sleep. It was early dawn when you disentangled yourselves from one another’s embrace, shakily starting the next day, and whatever the unknown future might hold.

The next day you were scheduled to meet with Tommy and Maria to discuss future administrative plans for the commune. Maria’s pregnancy was really starting to show, and you didn’t dare ask when her potential due date was. You could feel the palpable excitement and tension in the air as you joined them in the town meeting hall.

“Joel doesn’t want to interfere with commune business” Tommy began, shuffling some papers hurriedly before him. 

“Give him a gun and a cause…” Maria shook her head disapprovingly, avoiding Tommy’s reproachful gaze.

“Come on darlin’…” Tommy chastised, sounding once again like his older brother, in voice as much as demeanor. “Told ya we can trust him” Tommy began before Maria halted him silently.

“I know when townsfolk are holding secrets” Maria reprimanded, looking over at you apologetically. “No offense, Teach, just a gift I have. Investigating. Used to be a lawyer in the time before. Comes naturally to me. I know a sinner from a saint, and they’re often one and the same” she wisely observed, before reflecting a bit further. “Except that Levi, for one…” she inhaled skeptically, quickly glancing over at you for confirmation.

“Levi isn’t someone you want around any longer than is absolutely necessary” you bluntly stated, pleased with your growing sense of self-confidence. Maybe Joel was starting to rub off on you.

“I hate to be so beholden to him after their last minute redemptive strike…” she pensively acquiesced.

“Even Joel said he might not have made it back without their assistance…” Tommy chimed in begrudgingly. Joel hadn’t mentioned that. Granted, this was before Levi’s full intentions were known, but were you really willing to sacrifice Joel’s well being for your own discomfort? Maybe there was some kind of olive branch you could extend, making the future somewhat tolerable. You had changed. Maybe other people could too.

“Maybe we could give them some kind of test” you ventured, pursing your lips thoughtfully.

“Alright, Teach!” Tommy cheered, clocking Maria’s chagrin. “Pop quiz time!”

You couldn’t help but chuckle softly, getting a small indication of the Miller playfulness that often lurked mischievously beneath.

“Maybe we send them out on our next dangerous patrol, and keep them on a steady leash” Maria agreed, taking notes in her own administrative notebook. “Good idea…”. Tommy gave a quick clandestine wink that brought a victorious smile to your face, perhaps motivating your next point.

“Regarding…our dinner conversation” you began, before Maria stopped you.

“Water under the bridge…” she tutted, not lifting her eyes from the notebook. You and Tommy shared a pregnant pause, as he returned your gaze definitively.

“We all have a past. Don’t mean we can’t have a future” Tommy succinctly encouraged, eliciting a curt nod from Maria.

“Some secrets should probably stay hidden” you muttered under your breath, reflecting on Joel’s past admonition, noticing Tommy shift uncomfortable in his chair. Maria was breathing steadily across from you, still not looking up.

“You talk to Joel?” she quirked her head to the side, looking at Tommy knowingly before he averted eye contact.

“He said enough” you intimated, sensing the growing tension, though somewhat unaware of its origin. “Told me about Sarah” you finished, attempting to gauge the telepathic conversation happening between the married couple.

“He mention anything else?” Maria probed, Tommy gripping the edges of the table in a stylistically Miller fashion.

“Darlin’…” he warned, shaking his head slightly, in earnest.

Maria clamped her mouth shut skeptically as her brow furrowed in conflict. “I’m not sure how much my….brother in-law might have revealed” she began, weighing her words carefully. “Truth will out” she finally decided, sitting back in her chair resolutely. Tommy sighed a heavy breath, closing his eyes fixedly. 

Truth will out. In Jacksonville you had found a new home and a new start. But perhaps there were some things that should ultimately remain in the past. You thought on Joel’s near confession, and the sheer depth of knowledge you lacked about Ellie, Sarah and so much more. Would it be possible for Levi and his group to somehow fit into the commune without disrupting the precarious new start you had finally crafted for yourself? Or was the future forever fated to be doomed by elements of the past? You wanted to believe in new beginnings. You wanted to believe in love. And more than anything you wanted to know Joel Miller for who he truly was. But as you reflected on your own secrets and the apocalyptic territory you were barely surviving, perhaps there was more still to the enigmatic narrative of Joel and Ellie.

But in this moment, you weren’t entirely sure you wanted to find out.

Pedge's Bookshop The Dinner

Grab a Latte! this seems very appropros for the Coffee Lovers! Check out Extra Cream and Sugar by @itwasntimethatdidit40 before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, reference to alcohol, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", ex-type return, reference to prostitution, physical altercation, and finally KISSING!!!!!

Series Masterlist

Words: 3.5k

Joel’s gaze was burning with the heat of a super nova as you made the short trek to the medical infirmary for a quick check before welcoming the new visitors to The Jackson Commune. If you had allowed him to speak, you might have had an inkling of his own emotional state, but you were purposefully driven to banish the feelings and the tears that were cascading unbidden through your personhood. 

What the hell was Levi doing here? 

During the tumult of the infected, you were lucky enough to be in the Wyoming Territory, having miraculously found your way to the burgeoning commune, and counting your lucky stars that you had survived. You just didn’t count on Levi being able to say the some thing. No way in hell was Levi going to let go of a good thing once he had it. You had been lucky to escape his clutches the first time. But how could you reveal his questionable background without risking the same of your own?

You found yourselves constantly surrounded by one medical practitioner or another, before being joined by Ellie, who was overjoyed at Joel’s return. Shrinking under the heated glance of Joel’s passionate intensity you had mumbled something about relief at his appearance before practically running out of the infirmary and returning to your own home. You immediately locked the door and shuttered the windows before escaping to your bedroom and hiding under the covers.

This was your worst nightmare come to life. A past you had tried so desperately to escape, and nearly had, before it practically came knocking at the very doorstep of your own community.  Joel had his suspicions, but had he told Ellie? Could he possible know the details of your own “fall from grace”. And why had he brought Tommy and Maria into the conversation? There seemed to be no escape, short of heading out the commune doors and going it alone. You finally let the tears fall, unhindered, lulled into a fitful sleep, wondering how you were going to survive this new, hellish ordeal.

The new visitors of the commune were the focal point of town gossip for the next week. If you didn’t have educational responsibilities you would have isolated yourself completely, hopeful that the incident would just pass over. But your students were alight with the discussion and questions, eavesdropping from every whispered conversation, and anxious for news from the outer territories. The residents of the Jackson Commune were so far removed from any other civilizations, you couldn’t remember the last time a party of this size had “graced” your doorstep. Apparently the patrol had found themselves entirely cornered, and it was thanks to this traveling posse they had escaped intact. But it was a glooming peace that hovered over the townsfolk as they tentatively invited the strangers into their all but isolated commune. There was much to be grateful for, but much to protect and Joel couldn’t have been unaware.

That is to say, you assumed Joel was aware, but couldn’t be sure. Between purposefully avoiding the possibility of seeing Levi, inundated with school responsibilities and dodging another conversation with Maria or Tommy, you had turned into a hermit, surviving on work and anxiety. Ellie had not been present in class, which was not an immediate cause for concern, and in fact aided your temporary escapism from her keen and insightful stare. Ellie would know something was wrong. Perhaps you could avoid the entire Miller Household until this newest threat evaporated or exploded.

But it wasn’t Ellie’s interrogative voice that greeted you at the end of this particular work day. If anything, that warm, sultry voice seemed nearly telepathic as your eyes raised to see the broad frame of Joel Miller pause at your doorway, poised to knock. “Howdy, teach” he lightly intoned, gazing behind him at the squabbling children and rubbing the back of his neck humbly. How was it possible to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time? Your face flushed with embarrassment, immediately chagrined by your comparative silence, as he haltingly entered the room. “Got a sec?”.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any new homework for you today” you tried to deflect the intensity of his stare, but were arriving unsuccessfully. Something about the Miller Family in all its incarnations, seemed to strip you bare of facade, leaving you vulnerable to their charms.

“S’okay, I’ve got some catching up to do” he smirked, considering the small school desks available before him, and finally deciding on a towering stance in front of your own. “Missed you at The Bookshop though” his voice was surprisingly quiet, but well enunciated. Almost as though it were a secret being dragged from his lips, only for your hearing. You felt your heart stutter within you nervously, noticing his healing abrasion at the edge of his forehead. 

“You look good” you stammered. “I mean, your cuts, they look good. Healing okay?” you bumbled, grasping at any assembly of fortitude and finding none. Joel Miller always left you completely tongue tied.

“Just glad to make it back…”  (to you) he nodded, looking around the school room awkwardly. “Nice place ya got here”.

“Oh this old thing!” you feigned humility, finally venturing a small smile. “It’s no Bookshop, that’s for sure. I’ve been meaning to drop by and see…uh, see that copy of "Wuthering Heights” you promised me!” you rallied, straightening your burgundy sweater that Joel had been so fond of. Joel licked his lips placatingly.

“Got me doin’ your dirty work now” he teased, picking at the desk edge the same way that Ellie did. They really were two peas in a pod. Joel was an amazing father figure. Your heart gripped violently in your chest, wondering at his loss of Sarah, and a previous life you knew nothing about. Could one really escape their past? Or were we forever doomed to be haunted by our deepest cuts and wounds?

“Listen, about the other night” he began, his eyes darkening guiltily.

“Don’t worry about it!” you stopped him, standing abruptly and gathering your things. You weren’t sure what he wanted to say, all you knew was that you couldn’t handle another disappointment. Having Levi in town was bad enough, to say nothing of living up the the commune’s new leadership expectations. If Joel were about to question your motives now, you weren’t sure you could take it. Reaching a long arm in front of your waist, Joel easily halted your escape with the intimidating width of his shoulders, punctuated by a particularly gentle touch that took your breath away.

“Sorry you had to see me like that” he whispered, looking down into your face with real regret and supplication. “Some things I can’t say…in the harsh light of day” he sighed, swallowing dryly as his eyes drifted down to your lips seductively. “Still like that sweater though” he added, smiling dolefully, the air around you becoming hazy and warm, with a hypnotic glow.

You tilted your head down shyly, biting your lower lip, “Just glad you’re okay, Joel. Don’t know what I’d do without you”. You heard a quiet intake of air as he registered your statement internally. The two of you stood in charged energy for what felt like an eternity before Joel continued, 

“So, I’m ‘sposed to invite you for dinner tonight!” he brightened, dipping his head a bit lower to catch your eyesight and slightly terrified expression. 

“Dinner?” you gulped. Heaven forbid you had another confrontation like the one before. Maybe it would just be a quiet night of discussion?

“This time you’ve got the whole Miller Family. Maria wanted to discuss some of the new commune responsibilities. You don’t mind do ya?” Joel questioned emphatically, allowing his hands to drift to his hips decidedly and listening for your decision. Good Lord. The situation was getting worse, but was steadily inescapable. It seemed as though your hands were tied.

“I’d love to” you croaked, shifting awkwardly with discomfort. No way out now. At least this would keep you distracted until Levi and his posse left. “No bramble berry wine this time” you apologized, meeting Joel’s eyes with a twinkle. He nodded in affirmation with a bright smile before heading towards the door.

“Oh” he paused at the doorway, his face immediately darkened with something almost protective or primal. “Levi too…” he spat, visibly struggling with his own distaste. “He’s the leader of our visiting strangers, and they want to petition commune residency”. Your stomach dropped about a foot with the unhappy revelation. Not only was Levi going to be present at the dinner, but there was a chance he was returning to your happy commune existence in a permanent way. You couldn’t find the words as Joel’s jaw ticked angrily. “Something about that guy” Joel trailed off, watching you closely as you grasped helplessly for words. “He a friend of yours?” 

“No!” you finally managed to exclaim before gathering your books and papers haphazardly and stuffing them into your bag. “No friend of mine” you muttered, grabbing your winter jacket and breezing past Joel quickly before he could ask anything else. “See you tonight!” you called behind you, already terrified at the unsavory proposition.

“Miller House! Seven sharp, teach!” Joel’s concerned voice rang after you, as you wrapped yourself tightly against the bracing wind. It seemed that things could not get worse.

Things had gotten steadily worse as you approached the Miller Household. Not only were your hands tremulously shaking beside you, your heart was palpitating a mile a minute, faced with the dual conundrum of attempting to unmask Levi’s intentions without betraying yourself and your questionable past in the process. Poised at the front door, you might have stood there for an eternity, if Ellie hadn’t opened the door briskly, looking as though she were going to hug you.

“Thank God!” she exclaimed, pulling you by the scarf abruptly into an uncharacteristic hug and slamming the door shut dramatically behind you. Whispering quietly into your ear she muttered, “Levi the dick is here…”. Attempting to hide a timid smile, you removed your winter coat and shakily entered the dining area. At least you had one person on your side. Rounding the corner you were greeted by a sight more intimidating than any classroom or clicker ambush; Tommy, Maria, Joel and Levi were all seated formally at the dining room table, awaiting your entrance. Joel stood immediately, his eyes softening from the hardened glare he had been directing towards Levi before your appearance.

“Hey teach” Joel’s voice rumbled lowly in the room as Maria waved with encouragement, “Won’t you join us?”. Levi had a crocodile-like smile, dripping with metaphoric honey as much as poison. Wonder where he kept his fangs?

“What a surprisin’ reunion! Ain’t that right, Teach?” Levi sweetly drawled, poised to pull out your chair before Joel did so himself, barring Levi’s attempt with his own broad shoulders. 

“We were just talking about you” Joel smiled tiredly, offering an encouraging squeeze of your shoulder under Levi’s watchful gaze.

“Tommy tells me you're the school marm, and I’m not a bit surprised!” Levi began, reaching for food without anyone’s permission. Spewing biscuit crumbs immediately across the table he continued, “Teach and I go waaaaay back, ain’t that right? She’s real good at meetin’ people’s needs AND followin’ orders. Once you grant our continued stay here at the commune, we’ll be able to REALLY catch up…” he nearly threatened, with enough bravado to overshadow the entire evening, as Joel stared fixedly in his direction.

“Well, now that everyone has assembled let’s start the discussion and the dinner! Ellie, you and Joel have done a wonderful job hosting us this evening” Maria took control of the conversation before Levi completely dominated it.

“S’no trouble” Joel muttered, shifting his gaze from Levi to you, his countenance immediately crumbling as he noticed your terrified expression. 

“Levi, we couldn’t be more thankful for your assistance during the Elk Creek ambush. Sounds like you arrived just in time…” Maria thoughtfully offered, beginning to pass the bowl of green beans around the table.

“My posse and I couldn’t be more pleased, ma’am” Levi drolled, reaching abruptly across Ellie to grab the bowl of green beans, entirely unaware of her scowling grimace. “‘Spect you could use some more strong men to help lead this growing commune…”. You could have sworn you heard Joel mutter some quiet profanities under his breath, but kept your head lowered shamefully.

Maria paused, momentarily annoyed, but continued onward. “Funny you should mention new leadership. We’ve just offered our resident teacher a new administrative position she has happily accepted”. 

Ellie beamed appreciatively, making a small congratulatory fist, “Alright, teach! Way to go!” You lifted your head slightly to catch a small nod from Joel offering a similar encouragement. The dinner table became decidedly more quiet as Levi’s countenance darkened bitterly.

“S’that so?” he toyed, setting the bowl down delicately and turning his attention towards you. “Never woulda figured teach as a leader type…” he feigned thoughtfulness, reaching a hand under the table and grabbing your upper thigh possessively. Joel caught sight of your shift in posture, as he began tightening his fists at his sides. Something was wrong. Why were you letting Levi push you around like this?

“Do you wanna tell ‘em sweet pea, or should I?” Levi threatened coyly, gripping your thigh painfully as tears began to threaten at the edges of your vision.

“Tell what?” Tommy hesitated, looking to Maria for support. You gritted your teeth stubbornly, wringing your hands quietly in your lap. 

“Hey, doucheface, why don’t you take your hand off her leg before I stab you with my butter knife” Ellie’s pointed accusation held more ferocity than you would have guessed, as you flashed on her former confession. In that moment, you had no doubt whatsoever that she could make good on her threat, but you felt a sense of nausea, placing her in such a tenuous position.

“Maybe it’s time for you to leave” Joel’s voice was barely audible, as Levi carefully removed his hand, placing it upright in a mock surrendered position.

“No harm, right teach?” he looked to you with superficial humility. “I just wanna tell ‘em what a great worker you were…you know…in the time before? You were always REAL good at meeting’ people’s needs. Satiatin’ their desires and such…” he proceeded slowly, increasingly aware of his volatile position.

“Don’t…” Joel threatened, gripping the dining room table as though he would about to shatter it into a million pieces.

“Joel…” Tommy cautioned, rising out of his chair slightly, attempting to grab hold of the situation.

“This isn’t a job interview, Levi. What if you told us more about you and your group…” Maria shifted with discomfort, hugging her belly protectively, as Ellie stiffened in defense of your vulnerable position.

“Yeah, Joel, no harm in listenin’” Tommy attempted to placate, moving slowly as though towards a cornered animal, and trying to gently situate himself between his brother and his nearby wife.

Joel’s eyes seemed to impale you with the emotional force of a dagger, as he looked to you for confirmation. A single tear fell lightly to the plate before you. There were no words. Joel knew everything already. But now he was about to get confirmation of your greatest fear, your biggest shame. The memories that kept you up at night, and the desperation that shrouded almost every joy.

“Just think you would want to know your resident teach was the absolute best girl I had the privilege of employin’…in the time before. What’dya say teach? Give ‘em a quickie, for old time’s sake? Looks like Joel is sweet on you already…”.

Levi barely had time to finish his sentence before Joel shoved him backwards to the floor, pinning him and the dining room chair violently to the ground. Levi kicked powerfully, against the table, sending it into disarray, but Joel had a knee positioned strongly against his chest and a forearm squeezed tautly against his windpipe. Tommy quickly moved Maria out of the way defensively before trying to peel Joel off of his target.

“Say more…” Joel growled, in a nearly feral tone you had never heard but often suspected. He knew. This is what he had known, but never said out loud. But there was no reason or rationale in his mind at present. His vision was a wash of red, turbulent red, as he watched Levi’s eyes bulge in desperation. Ellie sprang to her feet, grabbing the nearest carving knife and setting herself between you and the flailing form of Levi, whose face was starting to purple intensely.

The room was heated with a buzzing electricity as you raised your eyes with rapt attention to the man splayed before you. “Joel…” you whispered, his head immediately snapping back to see your tender and nearly angelic expression. “Let him go…”. It was as though a switch snapped in Joel’s mind, as he immediately loosed his grip, Levi sputtering and coughing pathetically on the floor. Tommy hoisted Joel to his feet, before he had a chance to change his mind.

“Looks like you better get goin’ soon, Levi” Maria threatened, still holding her stomach, eyes blazing with fierceness, as Ellie twirled the carving knife slowly in her hand.

Levi stumbled precariously to his feet, as Tommy grabbed Joel instinctively around the shoulders, attempting to hold him in place. “Get out” Joel spat, his knuckles a whitened fervor as he clenched his jaw with the last bit of restraint he had. Levi rubbed at his neck incredulously, looking around the room in defeat before shuffling to the front door dejectedly. 

“Guess we’re not wanted” he rasped, before flinging the door open to the winter’s bite. “I’ll be seein’ you, teach!” he cast an enigmatic accusation your way before trudging through the snow angrily, his silhouette beginning to disappear in the snowy tundra. The dinner party stared after him in awkward silence as small flurries of snow coldly circled into the living room.

“Asshole” Ellie muttered, breaking the tension slightly and tossing the knife onto the table brusquely.

“Language” you jokingly whispered, but your voice cracked in emotional defeat. Who were you to chastise anyone? Who were you to instruct the next inspiring generation of young leaders, when you had made such questionable choices in your youth? How had you been so foolhardy as to think you could escape the desperation of your past, in a newfound desperation of the future?

“Didn’t like that guy from the get go” Tommy offered, leading Maria back to the table gently and setting a hand firmly on her shoulder.

“Truth will always out” Maria nodded, placing her hand shakily on the dining room table and breathing deeply. “Give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself…” she darkly added, glancing up to see your crumbling countenance. “Teach, this doesn’t change a thing…” she began, but you were already headed out the open doorway.

“Thank you for dinner…” you sobbed, grabbing your coat and running out the door as fast as your boots would carry you. Fairly certain that Levi had headed the opposite direction, your only goal was to make it home, before the rest of your dignity collapsed around you.

Joel stood completely transfixed like a statue, nearly paralyzed with the indecision of his own forceful emotion until Ellie’s voice rang out, “Go Joel! Go get her!”.

Don’t have to tell him twice. Joel bulldozed through the center of the living room, not even stopping for his own coat and racing after you doggedly. The snow immediately nipped at his aching knees, but he wasn’t letting you go. Not again. Not when he had so much to say, and no earthly idea how to say it. He didn’t consider himself an eloquent man. But when there were no words, his actions had always spoken volumes.

Finally reaching your faltering form, he grabbed you emphatically by the elbow and whirled you around to meet his gaze. Your eyes were already red from crying, body shuddering in despair as you struggled half-heartedly in his grasp.

“Don’t listen to him!” Joel shouted over the din of the surrounding winds. “We need you at the commune…I need you!” he felt the words tumble precariously from his lips, but he didn’t care. Seeing the anguish painting your face had unlocked a passion within him that he hadn’t let himself truly feel in years. He couldn’t let you go. Your knees buckled slightly with the intensity of his unexpected words, as the hot blaze of tears continued to cascade, unbidden down your snow kissed cheeks.

“Joel…I…” you stuttered nervously, bracing yourself against his broad chest and sinking your weight against him. The seduction of the moment was moving you like two, fated magnets, against the storm, until his lips were mere inches from yours. He hesitated for only a second before smashing his mouth against yours, his jaw violently moving in supplication, like a prayer. Caressing over, and over, and over, as your soul leapt to meet his. You weren’t sure how the commune would eventually react, if news of your scandalous background ever reached the probing ears of town gossip. But in that moment of passion and acceptance, you knew you had truly found a new beginning. A new reason for living. A new home.

You had found Joel.

Crime and Punishment The Visitor

Grab a latte! Time for a sweet treat before you head into The Bookshop! Check out "Sleepy" by @starlightandfairies when you get a chance!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, discussions of death, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", abusive "ex" type character enters the picture

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

Winter seemed to stretch before you like an interminable blanket of scarcity. You didn’t know if this season were particularly harsh, or if the tumultuous relationships you had begun to form were impacting your perceptions. “Crime and Punishment” indeed. Caught between a rock and a hard place, there had been no real opportunity for conversation since that fateful night at the Miller Household. Not only did you find yourself vibrating with the palpable realization that Joel had his suspicions, but another patrol had almost immediately necessitated his absence. You found yourself slotted between the desperation of seeing his face again, and avoiding that confrontation completely. The anxiety of his potential return had almost overshadowed your own misgivings, coupled with the unlikely possibility that he might not remember the drunken conversation at all. Regardless, something had peaked his attention, and you could only hope you would have the chance to talk things out once and for all.

Winding your way from your humble abode down the soggy streets of the Jackson Commune, you were almost grateful for the momentary distraction of a commune meeting. You’d received a personal invitation from Maria days before, in your mailbox, and were curious as to the tonality of the discussion. As always, you were planning to blend seamlessly into the background as more vociferous members complained about rations, resource allotment, commune responsibilities and more. Stuffing your hands further into your pockets you were doubly curious as to why the town meeting was so early in the morning, and only seeing a few solitary souls dotting the commune main street. Had you mixed up the times?

Trudging up the solitary steps you headed into the main eating area that doubled for community activities, immediately halting your steps at the echoing sight that greeted you. The dining area was completely empty, save for a long table at the back end of the room with three chairs. It was seating for Tommy, Maria…and you. You heart dropped into your stomach as your breath caught in your throat. WHAT was this? Had Joel said something about his suspicions? Maria had always been shrewd, and a formidable leader, maybe even more so with the expectation of giving birth in the next several months. If anything, it seemed to have provided a clarity of purpose and a voracity of intention you weren’t entirely sure you wanted to be stacked against. You had the momentary terror of being asked to leave, but quickly shoved it from your mind, almost guiltily heading towards them.

“Tommy. Maria…” you began, feeling your posture collapse into itself though hoping for a more confident facade.

“Teach!” Tommy exclaimed, oddly mirroring Joel’s mannerisms for a split second, before pulling out a chair for you under Maria’s hawk-like gaze. “Thanks for joining us!”

“Glad you could make it” Maria politely smiled, a hand tucked under the table to cradle her burgeoning belly.

“Didn’t quite realize this was going to be a solo venture” you mumbled, reaching for the water that had been laid out for you conscientiously. “Is Joel back from patrol yet?” the words were out of your mouth before you had a chance to hold them back, as Maria’s eyebrows shot up questioningly.

“No, they’ve been gone for almost a week again. Patrols are getting longer and harder the further we venture into Elk Creek and Mountain View. Dangerous too…” Tommy begrudgingly admitted, rubbing at the back of his neck dejectedly. “Hate to not be with ‘em…”.

“We talked about this” Maria muttered under her breath, eliciting a sharp look from Tommy in retort. “You can’t lead every patrol AND lead the commune from within. We’re already stretched too thin, and I have my own responsibilities” she emphasized, firmly but kindly, as he nodded acquiescently.

“Talked to Joel” Tommy added, “before he left”. Your heart lurched violently in your chest. Jesus, was this is? The moment they asked you to leave the commune for good, finally aware of your questionable past. Unfit for teaching, unfit for living, unfit for…

“Told us that you were trustworthy. Like family”. The words hung in the air as you sputtered helplessly with your glass of water, watching Maria’s reactions from across the way.

“What?” you croaked, coughing slightly in the echoing dining hall. “What did he say exactly?” 

“That was about it. Joel’s not one for lengthy conversations. We’re…uh…looking into leadership expansion and Joel said you were the one to ask…” Tommy trailed off, looking at Maria hesitantly. You stared at the both of them, uncomprehending.

“I have my reservations about Joel” Maria began, as Tommy hissed begrudgingly under his breath “but he wouldn’t even consider the position. His first recommendation was to ask you…” she stated curtly, folding her hands across the desk imploringly. “We need you to step up and lead” she finished. Your mouth parted in shock and concern. Leadership? Whatever suspicions Joel had about your past, he had either kept to himself or those opinions weren’t weighing heavily on the proceedings before you. You desperately wished you knew which one.

“But I’m…” you paused, unwilling to go into more detail, “I’m just…a teacher” you stalled, unsure of what requirements you were stepping into. If Tommy and Maria didn’t know about your background already, the moment they did, it would immediately derail any hopes of future expansion. Better to stay in the background as much as possible, while still proving yourself useful.

“You’re a lot more than just a teacher, and you know it” Tommy unwittingly bruised your disappearing ego. “You care for the next generation of The Jackson Commune, you’re an upstanding citizen, knowledgeable and friendly, and trustworthy. And we need you”. The silence was deafening as you considered their words. You didn’t want to incite suspicion with more deflection. Maria was about as investigatory as they come, and her pregnancy seemed to elicit an almost supernatural power of insight you didn’t want to overtly incur. As though perceiving your hesitation telepathically, she joined Tommy’s request.

“Things are steadily going to become more difficult for me as I approach the due date” she knowingly smirked. “I’ve got to be realistic about my own limitations, and start including others in the leadership process. I don’t know what this might involve, but can we count on your cooperation?” she almost pleaded, tilting her head to the side sympathetically. You took a deep breath before launching forward.

“I’m here” you stated bluntly, rubbing your hands together nervously. No turning back now. Come hell or high water, you were a citizen of the Jackson Commune, and whether they could unconditionally accept you, you were invested lock, stock and barrel in the health and wealth of the growing community. It was time to double down, whatever the consequences might turn out to be. Both Tommy and Maria sat back victoriously in their chairs, looking to one another in affirmation and resolve.

“Like I said, we don’t know much about the specifics, but as soon as Joel and the patrol party get back, we should have some idea of how this plays out” Tommy offered, standing courteously.

“Any quick questions before we adjourn?” Maria asked judiciously.

“Who’s Sarah?” you blurted out, almost covering your mouth with embarrassment, but holding firm to the question. If you were going to trust The Miller Family with your secrets, you needed a better understanding of some of their own. Tommy immediately sat back down solemnly, looking back to Maria tentatively.

“What did Joel tell you?” Maria asked, her eyes squinting cautiously in appraisal.

“Not much” you confessed “I could just tell that….he wanted to” you shrugged your shoulders placatingly, desperate to know more, but hesitant to push the matter. The silence deepened as Tommy and Maria seemed to communicate without words, Tommy haltingly stuttering, 

“If…” he cleared his throat sensitively “…if Joel already mentioned Sarah, you could…ask Ellie about it, too” he clicked his tongue guiltily. “Just go slow, teach. That’s not a topic you should hover around needlessly” he intoned, tilting his head forward darkly. You sighed heavily, acknowledging his implied warning. Understood.

“Thanks for coming by” Maria gravely stated, gesturing for your exit which you quickly took advantage of. Leaving the large dining area, the blast of cold winter air was like a refreshing slap in the face, steeling your resolve and snapping you back into reality. You needed to know more. Joel’s continued absences were not only making progress difficult, but you had to admit the stress of longing was waring. Every time he left, you wondered if he would make it back, and Ellie must be feeling the loss even more intently. Perhaps you could seek solace in the company of one another. Standing at the commune crossroads, you finally decided to venture past The Bookshop. Maybe it would prove comforting, even symbolically.

Arriving at the door, you always saw the stark “CLOSED” sign teetering bitterly in the window, but caught a quick glimpse of a lazy, orange tail flicking past the bookshelves. Joel might not be there, but Rascal the Cat was. Trying the doorknob you easily entered to the comforting sound of the ringing bell, as Ellie’s face popped curiously from behind a stack of books.

“Joel?” she uttered, before registering her temporary disappointment.

“Just me kiddo, sorry…” you apologized, enjoying the warmth of the wood burning stove, but feeling the loss of Joel’s presence as much as Ellie did.

“Sorry teach…Joel is on another patrol, and Rascal was gettin’ restless” she sighed, re-stacking the books in an unknown order and throwing her hands up helplessly.

“I think I know how he feels” you commiserated, joining Ellie on the The Bookshop floor and wrapping your arms protectively around your knees. “Did he say anything before he left?” you probed, wanting to be gentle, but also gnawing at the bit. Maybe Rascal wasn’t the only one feeling restless.

“No, I just caught him the morning before he left again. Said you had talked the night before?” she questioned, her eyebrows raised with curiosity. “Did he seem okay?”.

You smiled tenderly, reflecting on Joel’s vulnerable inebriation, and longing to reach out and touch his face in that exact moment. “He seemed…tired” you confessed “and…a bit…sad. Mentioned something about…Sarah” your voice nearly disappeared as you second guessed your line of conversation, but found yourself running out of time and options. Joel was hopefully going to come back any moment, and you were more than ready to offer whatever support and encouragement you could. But how could you do that without knowing the type of wound you were encountering? Ellie seemed momentarily surprised and a bit unsure of herself as Rascal the Cat rounded the corner, butting its head against her shoulder playfully.

“He told you about her?” she began, absentmindedly petting Rascal and shifting with discomfort.

“He mentioned her, and you…and someone else named Tess”.

Ellie shifted uncomfortably once again, her lips drawn tightly in resolution.

“Normally, I wouldn’t ask, but Tommy and Maria seemed to think it was a good idea” you slotted the final piece of information in carefully, as though negotiating with a nuclear explosion. “If you don’t think it’s appropriate, please forget that I asked…”.

Ellie breathed in quickly, an inhale of relief washing across her face momentarily, before Rascal started purring contentedly. “Just don’t tell Joel that I told you” she looked around conspiratorially as though expecting him to pop into the room clandestinely without her knowledge. “Sarah is…Sarah WAS Joel’s real…Sarah was Joel’s daughter” the words finally cascaded forth, anxious for their revelation. As though in support, Rascal mewled affectionately as you nodded your head in affirmation. 

Of course. So many things were starting to coalesce. Joel’s protection of Ellie, his isolation, the supportive father figure that he was. Steeling yourself against the barrage of emotion you sat in silence wondering at the many twists and turns of life and death. You continued to feel helpless in the face of such insurmountable suffering. Maybe the only comfort you could provide was a solace for confession and expression in a world of silent punishments, and maybe it would have to be enough. “And Tess?” you gently added.

“I don’t like talking about Tess” Ellie huffed, moving Rascal off of her lap as he smugly trotted away. “She saved me and Joel, and then she died. And it pissed me off, if I’m being honest” she barreled through the admonition, leaning back against the bookshelf resignedly before quietly smiling. “Not sure what that is” she pondered, fingering the pages of the nearby books pensively. “Don’t see why death should cause so much…anger”.

You tilted your head sideways, once again surprised by Ellie’s preternatural wisdom. Circumstances may have catapulted the next generation into a premature adulthood, but there was a lot to be learned from the ranks coming up. “Death is one of the most visceral of all human experiences, and we get to fully inhabit our humanity when we wrestle with it. It’s like a dance. A beautiful, horrible dance” you offered, just as perplexed as Ellie was.

“I’m glad Joel has you” Ellie whispered, tightly hugging her abdomen as though she were about to pull apart.

“I’m not the only one you guys have” you nudged Ellie’s boot with your outstretched foot as she hesitantly met your eyes with acknowledgement. “I’m glad you have each other…”.

The peaceful silence was punctuated by the wood burning stove, until you noticed a solitary figure begin running down the main thoroughfare of town. A quick intake of air was met by the telltale alarms of a returning patrol as you and Ellie locked eyes emphatically.

“Joel”.

Running down the mainstream, arm in arm you ran as fast as the lingering snow would allow, a small group of town’s folk assembling at the front gate. Your breath halted in your throat seeing the purpose driven pace of the patrol approaching, though not apparently in distress or escaping trouble. You uttered a small cry of relief seeing the bags of resources they had in tow, swiftly scanning the group to find Joel’s telltale winter’s coat.

“There!” Ellie pointed euphorically, as Joel’s formidable frame came into focus, galloping towards The Jackson Commune. Damn, he looked good. You squinted helplessly, trying to identify any cuts or abrasions, though he initially seemed to be in one piece. You attempted to quell the disparate emotions vying for attention in the overwhelming thrum of your heartbeat. This was it. Whatever Joel remembered from his inebriated conversation, he had obviously reconciled himself to whatever suspicions he may have previously held. Maybe he didn’t know what he thought he knew. Or maybe he just didn’t care.

You watched from a distance as Ellie raced to meet him, Joel cautiously dismounting from his horse as Ellie poked and prodded at him inquisitively. He DID have a few abrasions you noticed as you neared the party, Joel quickly making eye contact with you from several feet away. A smile teased at the corners of your mouth until you noticed the severity of his external injuries.

“What the hell, Joel?” you exclaimed, reaching up to his forehead concernedly, as he took your hand gently in his.

“Good to see you too, teach” he winced with discomfort as Ellie prodded at his upper arm. “Not a science experiment…” he grumbled, though his mouth betrayed a tremor of affection.

“What happened? Any clickers? Get any good books?” Ellie immediately interrogated, taking Joel’s pack from his shoulder and starting to pat down the nearby steed.

“Ran into some trouble up by Elk Creek. No clickers, but patches of raiders pocketed in the harsher territories. Met up with some scattered folks that gave us a hand…” Joel clicked his tongue begrudgingly, absentmindedly rubbing a small circle into your outstretched palm. That was new. “Found a copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’” Joel lowly intoned, his eyes sparkling mischievously, as you gawked incredulously. “Had to go through a heap of mess to get it” he whispered, as you slapped him good naturedly on the shoulder eliciting another small wince. Taking his arm in yours, you decided to save the chastisement for later, before escorting him to the medical facilities for a quick check.

“Looks like I can start assigning even more homework for our next adventure” you teased, so thankful to have Joel back in your sights and back in the safety of the commune. Maybe you were starting to believe in happy endings.

“Well, as I live and breathe! If it isn’t ‘The Teach!’”

A smarmy voice penetrated your bubble of happiness as your heart skipped several beats. You gripped Joel’s hand in a white knuckled vice, attempting to keep your face as stoic as possible, before turning slowly towards the familiar gravel, you had so happily escaped in year’s past. Joel’s face flicked to yours intensely as Ellie’s face contorted in skepticism.

“Levi” you drawled sarcastically, plastering a smile across your face politely, and gripping Joel’s hand even tighter. Joel positioned himself ever so slightly ahead of you, broadening his chest and staring fixedly at the stranger that stood before him.

“Couldn’t be more grateful to The Jackson Commune for welcoming us sorry band of misfits for a temporary respite”. Levi’s voice was as honeyed and calculated as ever, but you had learned long ago to distrust every iota of Levi’s practiced and sinister promises. “Looks like your Joel found himself between a rock and hard place. We were just happy to arrive when we did, and give ‘em a hand” Levi extended his hand to Joel who summarily dismissed it, coldly.

“Happy to get you back on your way after a square meal” Joel gritted his teeth harshly, watching your staunch expression, and growing more adversarial by the minute.

“Where ya from anyways?” Ellie squinted skeptically, already attuned to the tension in the frigid winter air.

“Oh we go way back, isn’t that right, teach?” Levi lightly touched your elbow which you jerked back reflexively. 

“Let’s get you to the medical bay” you uttered briskly, dragging Joel behind you before he did something you would both regret. Joel clenched his jaw resolutely, watching your face intently as he followed. You tried desperately to ignore the salty tears cascading down your cheeks with abandon, but the heat of Joel’s gaze seemed to propel them forward. Joel might not care about your questionable background, but there was no doubt in your mind;

Your past had just walked in through the gates of The Jackson Commune. And right now, there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to escape it.

Crime and Punishment Fic-Let

Bookshop: As per your recommendation, Joel is our shop owner. I think there's something appealing in a man who says little, but obviously feels so much. I just finished reading Pedge's rec for "Crime and Punishment" and it's a doozy. Joel has a lot...or very little say about it.

Triggers: profanity, alcohol consumption, no dubcon just drunk Joel seeking solace, spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", "Last of Us" canon, references to injury/violence/murder/prostitution...Psh...@iamasaddie I took this in a totally different direction than I expected! Thank you for the fic-let prompt, this fit in perfectly to the series.

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 1k

The whiskey infused fragrance of Joel’s breath fanned across your face seductively, as he balanced precariously behind the back of the sofa. Feeling a surge of arousal, euphoria, concern and fear was a heady mixture, as you glanced upstairs to ensure Ellie was still asleep.

“Joel, I’m so glad you’re back, and that you’re safe” you began, as he shymied out of his winter’s coat, letting it drop clumsily to the floor.

“I ever told you how pretty you are?” he slurred, tipping backward with relaxation, as you gripped his wrists firmly.

“Why don’t you come on over here, Miller, and tell me while you’re sitting down?” you cocked an eyebrow sky high, determined to shield Ellie from this temporary lapse, and equally insistent to protect Joel in his vulnerable state. Dragging him carefully around the couch, you heard the cat utter a plaintive meow of encouragement as Joel’s heavy-laden feet staggered to your side before he collapsed unceremoniously next to you.

“Preeeeetty eyes, pretty little mouth…pretty skin…” he rambled, the full weight of his body sinking into the couch rapturously, as his eyes fluttered half mast. You gulped hungrily, trying to still the yearning within you. Tucking your feet underneath yourself, you leaned forward to place a hand atop his forehead, dragging it down slowly to find his chiseled, and grizzled face.

“What happened to you, Miller?” you pouted, closing the book that was in your lap and sighing with relief as Joel closed his eyes contentedly.

“Pretty thoughts too…” he mumbled, fighting a losing battle against his own inebriation, as you brought your hand down to his chest, feeling the steadiness of his thrumming heart. His eyes shot open abruptly, as he swayed slightly upright, “Ellie here?”.

“She’s fine, just relax soldier…” you coo’d, as Joel collapsed once again, drawing his hand to find yours. 

“Didn’t do my homework” he grinned, nuzzling his face into the side of the couch and stroking your arm affectionately.  You smiled sweetly, looking over at the orange tabby for any encouragement whatsoever, and finding none.

“I think we can make an exception, just this once” you whispered, starting to draw a quilt around Joel’s broad frame in the hopes he would simply drift off to sleep.

“I did it, ya know?” he muttered, shivering slightly with the changing temperature and settling further into the furniture’s embrace. “I’m a Rascal…”. You wrinkled your brow in consternation. This couldn’t just be from the lengthy week’s patrol. What was antagonistically driving Joel to seek solace at the bottom of a bottle? And what did this have to do with “Crime and Punishment”? Or the character, Rascalnikov?

“Rascal is suffering, that’s for sure. But he’s gonna get justice and redemption and Love. He just has to go through a heap of punishment first…” you tried to deflect, soothing Joel as much as possible with feather light strokes through his hair and across his forehead.

“So much sufferin’…” Joel’s face crumpled in anguish before resuming a mask of stoicism. “Tess…Sarah…and Ellie…Sofia…”.

You pursed your lips with appraisal. It sounded like fantasy and reality were starting to collide. Did he mean Sofia, the prostitute? Who were Tess and Sarah? Lovers? Friends? Family? A barrage of questions besieged you as Joel muttered under his breath quietly. “I’m gonna get you some water” you stalled, before Joel’s hand shot out reflexively to grab your wrist. Strong. That was gonna bruise tomorrow, but you didn’t flinch. He needed you right now. Needed something.

“Sofia…” his eyes glossed over with an emotive sheen. Who were these people?

“Joel, who is Tess?” Joel stilled quietly, his breathing evening out steadily. “Who is Sarah?” you mumbled lowly to yourself, biting your lower lip.

“Sarah’s my girl…” Joel surged to life tentatively, looking around the room as though searching for a ghost. “Sarah’s…gone…Sarah’s…my Sarah…” he repetitively intoned, like a mournful mantra. Lover? Sister? This was obviously not the time or place, but maybe you could inquire sensitively with Ellie, if she even knew. “And my Sofia…” his fingers found your face tenderly as you met his eyes with compassion. What had happened to this beautiful man, and how could you possibly help?

“Try to sleep Joel” you shook your head with concern. This was no time for an interrogation, and you didn’t immediately see any injuries or bruises. Like so many scars of life, these wounds seemed altogether invisible to the eye and yet still completely damaging to the heart.

“I know…you know?” he whispered into the couch, as though seducing an unknown lover.

“What honey? What do you know?” you sighed watching his eyes flutter shut in heavier sleep.

“Know you’re not a teach…” he trailed off, finally snoring quietly, his arms dropping to his side uselessly. Your mouth parted slightly in acknowledgement, as the orange tabby stared at you uncannily silhouetted by the flickering firelight.

Shit.

Crime and Punishment The Lecture

Grab a latte! Time for a sweet treat before you head into The Bookshop! Check out "Bookends" by @djarinmuse, it will absolutely hit the spot...

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, discussion of murder/violence, alcohol consumption, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", spirituality/religion/existentialism

Series Masterlist

Words: 4k

It had been weeks since you had seen Joel, or risked an inopportune meeting in The Bookshop. After your enigmatic encounter over Winter Break, you had oscillated somewhere between embarrassment, irritation, desire and confusion as to whether your presence would be wanted. What had started as a literary deconstruction had quickly turned into a personal one, and you couldn’t be sure how welcome that journey would be. Granted, there was a lot of preparation to restart the school term after the holidays, but truthfully, it was just easier to ignore everything your conversation had unearthed. That is, until class resumed.

Avoiding Joel had been easy; there were always patrols and commune business to aide your self-imposed isolation. You had to admit The Bookshop would have been a valuable resource for your curriculum prep, but you had done without and could do so again. If you were being truly honest with yourself, it wasn’t the books you were really missing. But the renewal of the school term loomed large on the horizon, and here you stood at the doorstep. A cornucopia of ridiculous age gaps-tremendous potential—and Ellie.

Ellie was one of your brightest and most ambitious students to date, but after the mysterious dinner, culminating in unspoken desires and tenuous subtext, you were more concerned than ever. Not only did you want to help Ellie explore her intellect and agency, she wasn’t one to shy away from difficult conversations. You found yourself at a strange crossroads of desperately wanting to offer guidance, but shrinking inward at the possibility of transparency and vulnerability. Some teacher. And yet, here you all were, poised to begin the exciting class term, bright, smiling faces beaming up at you—-and Ellie.

She sat transfixed by the melting, winter’s landscape, watching a solitary red cardinal, flitting colorfully from tree branch to tree branch as you waxed philosophically about the semester’s objectives. Perhaps the door had already been closed, and your friendship was an opportunity that had died an early death. You attempted to plow forward, unfazed, but concerned nonetheless. It was a strange dichotomy to recognize your own inability to survive alone, but still be so paralyzed by the fear of letting anyone in. At least, as a teacher, maybe you could instruct the next generation how to avoid that alienation, short of exampling it yourself. 

The day passed relatively quickly, as, much like the cardinal, you flitted from desk to desk, attempting to help each student with their diverse and varied projects revolving around history, agriculture, science, medicine, home arts and more. You had quite nearly forgotten the conundrum as students bolted out the door in the late afternoon light, hunched over your desk, perusing assignments and projects, until a familiar voice juxtaposed itself.

“Hey teach, got a second?” Ellie’s direct lilt tickled your ears curiously, as your eyes shot up to meet hers.

“Oh! Ellie, I’m so glad you stayed behind” you fibbed ever so slightly, simultaneously intrigued, and terrified at the line of potential conversation. Ellie seemed to breathe a small sigh of relief, gazing behind her conspiratorially, assured she was out of earshot.

“Did uh…did something happen between my…between you and Joel…at dinner, or something?” Ellie whispered in hushed tones, a tinge of concern passing over her countenance at the possible overstep.

“No! I mean…maybe. I…” you sighed heavily, swallowing hard. What DID happen? It was so bizarre to experience a moment of deep meaning, without any true understanding of what the significance was. “Why, what did he say?” you shifted gears, suddenly anxious as to her approaching answer.

“Nothing!” Ellie immediately confessed. “I mean, you know Joel. Just grumbling and silence mostly. He keeps asking about you, and how you’re doing, and moping around the house…even more than usual” Ellie smiled dolefully, picking at the edge of your school desk. “He’s been telling me more about the book…” she quipped, slinging her pack over her shoulder heftily, “…and mentioning that I should ask you about it…”.

“Oh, is that so?” you brightened slightly at the admonition that Joel seemed as unnerved as you, but as yet undeterred. Maybe you hadn’t ruined the entire prospect.

“He says you have a special understandin’…about a woman’s ways. Or…good at holdin’ secrets…I didn’t really ask what he meant…” she trailed off, shrugging her shoulders good-naturedly, noticing the reddish tint at the top of your ears.

“Yeah, there are some secrets that should probably stay hidden” Joel’s words echoed in your mind acerbically, as you wondered if the sentiment were true.

“I guess…” Ellie picked at her nails awkwardly, looking around the room for hidden solace.

“Is that what you wanted to ask me about?” you ventured, truly desirous to help Ellie with whatever challenge she might be encountering. 

“Oh! I just remembered who Mr. Marmelade reminded me of!” she chirped, as her demeanor immediately darkened at the confession. Perhaps Ellie was finding herself as conflicted as you were regarding transparency and community.

“I’d love to hear about it, if you want to tell me” you tentatively opened the door of conversation relishing the avenue of opportunity. Maybe you wouldn’t be the one to teach Ellie the art of authenticity, perhaps it was the other way around. A moment of silence stretched before you as Ellie seemed slightly at war with herself, weighing her options. She finally pulled one of the wooden stools forward, hunching over your school desk secretively.

“Alright…when Joel and I were traveling here, we met lots of people on the road to Jackson” she began, a weight noticeably lifting from her shoulders. “I’d never really been much out of the Boston QZ, and everything was…one big adventure!” her eyes lit up momentarily with the remembrance. You smiled in solidarity, reflecting on some of your own adventures and discoveries. There was a lot of life to be lived, even in this apocalyptic atmosphere. You nodded encouragingly. “But…not all of it was good…” she paused, her face shifting with discomfort. “Plenty of challenges, and some friends…but most of them didn’t make it out alive. Not like us.” Ellie stated bluntly, her chest collapsing slightly with the heaviness of the reality. You turned your eyes downward, listening carefully and nodding your head. Most of these kids had seen more tragedy than any young life deserved, and you wished you could ease their suffering, ANY suffering around you.

“There was this one town…” she began, her gaze blurring slightly with the memory “…and we were in the Kansas City QZ. There was a heap of trouble there, and people shooting. And an army, like a bona fide ARMY of infected. But we met these two guys…” Ellie stopped, her voice cracking slightly with emotion. “Uh, we met these two guys Henry, and his younger brother Sam…and they were real great” she finished, her eyes glossing over with an emotive sheen. You pursed you lips thoughtfully, curious as to Ellie’s question, and hesitant to hear the story’s conclusion. Holding the silence tenderly, you cautiously waited, joining Ellie in the palpable feeling of loss.

“And…I couldn’t…” her eyes filled with tears, defiantly willing her emotion to stay hidden “I couldn’t help them” she finally admitted, wiping her tears away quickly as the they cascaded down her cheeks unbidden. “I couldn’t save them” she whimpered slightly before stilling completely in silence. You smiled tenderly in the stillness, nodding again in affirmation. You wondered in that moment if you didn’t have the same feeling of helplessness right now. Each human’s life was so uniquely distinctive. But how can any of us truly help one another, if not by simply living and dying in existence, together? You paused, weighing your words carefully as you proceeded forward.

“That’s a lot like the Marmeladov Family, don’t you think?” you ventured quietly, watching Ellie’s eyes round out plaintively in the silence. She dragged her hand sniffily under her nose, closely returning your gaze. “Rascal wants to help them, but things go from bad to worse until…”.

“They don’t make it, do they?” she rasped, her eyes a darkened hue of anguish.

You tilted your head to the side empathetically. “Some of them do, and some of them don’t. We just can’t save everyone, all the time…”. Ellie breathed heavily, the weight of truth settling around her like a comfort-less blanket. “But that’s part of what it means to be truly human. Acknowledging one another, and our own inability. Feeling helpless, and yet still trying.”

“Do you ever feel that way? Helpless?” Ellie’s voice had nearly disappeared, the boisterous laughter of children echoing from the nearby stoop in contrast.

“Oh my God, when do I not?” you nearly laughed with incredulity. “All of us feel the weight of inability, every single day. You. Me. Joel…”.

Ellie pulled back skeptically, “Joel isn’t helpless! He might be annoying, but he does all kinds of stuff. Taught me to shoot. Knows how to hunt. You think Joel is helpless?”.

“I think…Joel is human, honey” you smiled, his face immediately reflected in your mind’s eye, full of sensitivity, wonder and depth. “I think we’re all HUMAN. Dostoyevsky hit the nail on the head, whether you’re living in the 1800’s or at the tail end of the world…” you surmised, not censoring yourself as one might, in the honesty of the sentiment. “And the unique privilege for us to be alone, together. To try against all odds, to ease one another’s suffering, whether we achieve it or not, is the Divine gifting of every individual. Every human heart”.

Ellie smiled ruefully, sitting a bit taller, and slinging her bag over her shoulder more definitively. “Okay, teach. Thanks for the talk” and with that, she was quickly exiting the room, purposefully headed to…wherever she was headed next. “Oh! And will you visit Joel sometime soon?” her voice surprisingly caught you from the doorway. “If Rascal the Cat is his only companion, I’m gonna have to sit through more of his mumbles and grumbles about you for the rest of my life, and it’s drivin’ me NUTS. Put him out of his misery already?” she smirked, hefting her book bag one last time and leaving you with your own muddled but increasingly optimistic outlook.

Standing outside of The Bookshop, you weren’t rightly sure how you had arrived at Joel’s doorstep once again. Almost hoping he were unavailable you noticed Rascal the Cat currently eyeing you smugly, seated indoors on the cozy quilt. Surveying The Bookshop from the foyer window you saw the familiar crackling fire, pot of coffee and burgeoning selection of books you and Joel had begun to categorize by Dewey Decimal system. The hand-made mahogany chair sat otherwise in solitude, before you hesitantly entered The Bookshop to the characteristic bell.

Your eyes widened at the growing selection of literature Joel had procured. This was turning out to be your own personal Library of Alexandria, assuming that Joel didn’t completely bar you from entry. Ironically enough, his deep throated voice boomed from the back room, “We’re closed!” his broad frame entering the main room confidently before he halted in his steps.

“It’s you” he whispered, his entire countenance momentarily dissolving in a softened visage before stoically snapping back to attention. “You’re okay, teach” he grumbled, shewing the cat out of your chair and headed towards the wood burning stove. “Coffee?” he rhetorically asked, before grabbing your favorite mug and pouring you a cup. You buttoned your lips tightly, anxiety creeping into every fiber of your being. Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up…You sat quietly in the mahogany chair, gathering the quilt around you protectively. Maybe if you just didn’t speak, you could rely upon yourself to be the person the Miller Family deserved.

“Awful quiet over there, teach. We didn’t scare you away, did we?” Joel’s voice melodically intoned, but it was betrayed by an undercurrent of real concern. He handed you the mug of joe as you noticed a slight tremor in his fingertips, before he placed them confidently astride his hips. “Ellie said you had a real nice talk” he shifted awkwardly from side to side, a vision of forced neutrality.

“We did. I was so glad she decided to confide in me. Thanks for the support…” you encouraged, taking a timid sip of the potent beverage. Joel’s face lit up in recognition temporarily, hopeful at your re-established rapport. “S’no trouble. It was a hard journey here and…well, I’m not much for talkin’. At least not always sayin’ what I mean…” he trailed off, rubbing humbly at the back of his neck. “Sorry I ruined…the dinner” he added, almost as an after-thought. 

Your mouth parted slightly in shock. “You didn’t ruin anything. I was just surprised” you confessed. “Maybe too much bramble berry wine. I’ll know better for next time!”

“Next time?” Joel immediately pounced on the inflection, his eyebrows shooting up in delighted anticipation. You stalled, momentarily unsure of yourself.

“Well, we’re only halfway through the book! You didn’t think you were gonna get off that easily, did you?” you teased, hungrily taking in Joel’s playful expression. He breathed a sigh of relief as Rascal the Cat intertwined itself amidst his ankles.

“Sure thing” he sighed. “Still not the best student though, teach…I’ve been a little…distracted” he gazed down at the orange tabby nuzzled against his calf. 

“Worried about Ellie?” you ventured, Joel’s acknowledgement immediately catching yours, as he nodded curtly. “Well, like you said, she’s a good kid. This is what growing up is all about. Questions, doubts. Discovering what it means to be human. Spirituality…”.

Joel shook his head emphatically, “We’re not religious, teach. If you knew the people we met on the road here…”. 

You cut him off gently, “I’m not talking about religion, I’m talking about the human spirit. That’s what Dostoyevsky is talking about; the way we live, the way we die, and all that’s in between. Ellie’s just coming to terms with what it means to just…be”. Joel looked at you pointedly, his gaze once again taking you apart, piece by piece. You felt oddly naked, sitting before him, completely swathed in the comfortable quilt.

“I just want her to be happy” Joel finally whispered, wistfully searching through the window’s haze.

“Me too” you smiled, joining the intentionality of his search. “We just have to remember that there’s a lot more to life than just…happiness”. You shared a long stare with Joel in the quiet of The Bookshop, punctuated by purrs from Rascal the Cat, as unexpected snow began to drift in the outside flurry.

“Who said, that, Dostoyevsky?” Joel smirked, stepping slowly forward and drawing the quilt up around you sweetly.

“Me” you grinned dolefully, pouting with chagrin.

“Birds of a feather” he smiled, drawing your chin between two calloused fingers, with a small but tender pinch.

The winter days continued to pass quickly, though the snowfall didn’t seem to ease up. You continued to meet Joel at The Bookshop, organizing the sections of languages and science. The technology section seemed particularly bare, and currently obsolete, but perhaps someday mankind would be able to have a resurgence of technological growth, and you wanted to ready the next generation as much as you could. Sometimes you stopped by The Bookshop to find it cold and empty, with news of an ongoing patrol reaching your ears, and stoking anxiety in the cavernous depths of your heart. Was Joel okay? Should you check on Ellie? How long would he be gone? But those moments seemed to be few and far between, and you shoved them out of your mindset as much as was possible. Unwilling to upset the tenuous balance of your ongoing friendship, you gave both of them as much distance as the three of you seemed to thrive on. It wasn’t until several weeks later that Ellie approached you again, as the classroom dissipated.

“Got a minute, teach?” she hesitantly asked, drawing your attention to her fidgeting fingers and anxious demeanor.

“Of course, Ellie, you know I’ve always got time for you. How are you and Joel doing?”

“Don’t know. Joel is still out on patrol. Has been, all week…” she mumbled, as you bit your lower lip. You knew about Monday’s patrol, you just hadn’t realized its duration. “Got the whole Miller Mansion to myself…” she almost whimpered, adopting an immediately confident and armored appearance.

“Oh, honey, you can always come to my place if you want. Or I can come to you? Joel wouldn’t want you to be all alone…” you concernedly offered.

“It’s okay. I’m not scared” Ellie unconvincingly added, fidgeting with her pack once again. “Just…real quiet…at night. Rascal the Cat doesn’t say much” she joked. “In that way…just like Joel”.

“Well, I’m glad you’ve got someone” you commiserated, starting to pack up your papers for the evening’s work, secretly worried about the ongoing patrol, but unwilling to telegraph it, for Ellie’s sake. “Did you need help with your homework?”

“No, I just…started reading more of “Crime and Punishment”…Joel left his copy, and I was real bored…and I’m reading more about that Squid-Guy…” she sheepishly recounted, shrugging her shoulders awkwardly.

“Svidrigaylov” you joked with your best Russian accent.

“Yeah, Snake Eyes, Joel calls him. Seems like a real sonnafabitch…” she joked, immediately catching your eye as you both mouthed… “LANGUAGE”. Chuckling with one another easily, Ellie paused considering her next words carefully. “Joel said…you were real good at keepin’ secrets?”

You looked at Ellie cautiously, Joel’s enigmatic words reflected back at you, and wincing slightly at their double meaning. “Your secrets are safe with me” you finally promised, sitting back and awaiting Ellie’s response. Ellie took a deep breath before beginning.

“You know I told you about Henry and Sam, who we met on the road?” she started, her fingers idling spooling a loose thread from her well-worn winter’s sweater. You nodded somberly, the periphery of your mind drifting to Joel’s whereabouts. Ellie needed him. Was he okay? Where was the patrol? What if things somehow took a turn for the worst? 

“Go on” you encouraged, shaking your head of the clouding, fearful cobwebs.

“Well, we met other…people. Some of them not so nice. There was a man…who pretended to be…He called himself a preacher, and he was anything but. Unless he was preaching a gospel of…shit” Ellie pursed her lips, caught between her own indecision and need. “He was a real bastard…and his flock! He lied to them…manipulated them. Used them” Ellie stopped, struggling with the memory of it. Your eyes narrowed in comprehension. No way in hell would Joel let anything happen to Ellie on his watch. What had happened? Is this the secret everyone was so reticent to share? You would never doubt Joel’s intentionality, and whatever he had done, you KNEW it was for a good reason.

“What happened, Ellie? Did Joel hurt him? Did Joel…kill him?” you tried to make the statement neutrally, as though speaking to a wounded animal, as Ellie’s eyes widened to the shape of saucers.

“It was me” she croaked, almost inaudibly. “I did it. I killed him”. Her face took on a strange detachment, eyes clouding over with disassociation. “Everything was on fire. He was gonna……so I did it. I killed him…before he killed me”. Your eyes quickly flitted to the open doorway, ensuring that no one was standing within earshot. 

“Who knows about this?” you whispered, drawing your arms across the desk and taking Ellie’s hands carefully in yours.

“Just Joel” she cried quietly. “He found me after”.

You nodded your head solemnly, still anxious as to where Joel was. No wonder he was so protective of her, and who could blame him? No child should have to endure what Ellie had experienced.

“Joel said it was self defense but…” the pallor of her face immediately paled “but what if it wasn’t?” Ellie’s voice sounded nearly strangled in her throat as a wave of tears threatened to pour forth.

“Honey, if Joel said it was self defense, then that’s what it was. You know you can trust him” you assuredly stated, rubbing Ellie’s hands together and rising from your desk. “Humans will do whatever they must, in order to survive, and it sounds like you did just that” you humbly offered. “Come on, let’s get you home, I’m not letting you spend another night with the memory of that Squid-Guy” you tried to jest, Ellie tiredly grinning. “Maybe we’ll take a little break from ‘Crime and Punishment’ for a while?” you questioned, hugging her around the waist and nodding together. What the hell kind of apocalypse were you living in, that children had to ask these kinds of existential questions instead of basic math? In that moment, you vowed to protect Ellie in the same ways that Joel had. He would come back. He had to. But if someday he didn’t, Ellie would NOT be alone.

Trudging through the never-ending snow you arrived at the Miller Household later than evening, a fresh stack of books procured from The Bookshop, and a fresh pot of stew enjoyed with the fire. Ellie had quickly retired to her bedroom, the result of a string of nightmarish evenings while awaiting Joel’s return. Rascal the Cat sat curled at your feet, as you perused the reading material recently found. It was a strange cornucopia of items; “Jane Eyre” (though it seemed to be missing several pages), a collection of poetry by various authors, “In Cold Blood” by Truman Capote. You had just begun to rifle through the many options when your heart lurched at the lumbering figure leading up to the doorstep. The orange tabby mewled affectionately, as you heard the heavy stomp of boots hit the landing before some mumbled profanities and the sound of keys dropping to the stoop. You sat up curiously, anxious for Joel’s possible arrival as the door flung open in a wintry bluster, Joel tripping slightly over the lip of the frame before he shut the door. You immediately smelled the sweet fragrance of whiskey as Joel stumbled backwards into his own home, shaking the snow off the shoulders of his winter jacket, his head lolling sideways to catch your surprised gaze from the living couch.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Joel slurred, his eyes half mast as he removed his winter jacket halfway, catching his arms at the elbows. “You here to save me, teach?” he hiccuped, stumbling forward slightly and bracing himself heavily at the back of the couch.

Holy hell.

Crime and Punishment The Argument

Grab a latte! What is Frankie doing here? Lounge around in the foyer with this sweet fic "Routine" @endlessthxxghts before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, references to murder/violence/prostitution, argument, alcohol consumption, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", this chapter got a bit more angsty than I predicted, with just a little bit of passion...

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

“So are you guys like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?” Ellie bluntly stated, as she peeled carrots at the kitchen sink.

“The hell?” Joel stopped what he was doing to look at Ellie incredulously. “Who told you that?” he huffed, attempting to appear nonchalant as he returned to the stew boiling on the stovetop.

“Nobody. I just was wonderin’…” she mischievously retorted, returning to the task at hand. 

Maybe Joel had rushed things a bit. Looking out the kitchen window, he nervously dragged his hands down the front of his jeans, awaiting your dinner arrival. Maybe he shouldn’t have worn plaid. It was true, the easy friendship that had developed between the two of you was all Joel could think about recently, but maybe including Ellie in the discussion had been premature.

“‘Sides, we need to talk about your school work, or LACK thereof…” Joel deflected quickly, glancing over at the decorated dining room table, nodding in affirmation at the dried lavender placed front and center.

“Jesus, haven’t we talked about ‘Crime and Punishment’ enough this last week?” Ellie scoffed, gathering the carrots clumsily for the stew and shoving them towards Joel abrasively. “I think the school teach has caught your eye in more ways than one…” she muttered sarcastically, skulking out of the kitchen and leaving Joel with a slightly petrified look on his face. 

Yup, too soon.

Joel didn’t have a moment to overthink the situation, because a knock at the door quickly followed.

“I (Don’t) got (get) IT!” their voices collided in the hallway as Ellie raced to the front door, a wintry draft blowing inside quickly.

“Hi Ellie!” you chirped nervously, holding a bottle of bramble berry wine bartered from the Tipsy Bison. “I come bearing gifts!” you shoved the wine enthusiastically in her face and quickly withdrew it. “Wait, are you old enough to be drinking?” you immediately questioned as Joel’s presence loomed large in the background.

“‘Spect she’s old enough for most things, if she took her head outta her ass” Joel mumbled with a pout.

“LANGUAGE!” you both exclaimed, giggling slightly at Joel’s chagrined expression. 

“Come on in, teach, or winter’s comin’ in with ya!” Joel reprimanded, heading over to the fireplace and stoking it happily, now that his back was to you. He could do this. It was just a date. Not even a date. A literary discussion.

“Thanks for invitin’ me on your date, I LOVE three wheelin’ it” Ellie bantered, setting the wine on the table and heading into the kitchen snootily. Joel whirled around with annoyance, proffering the fire iron awkwardly, “Get the NICE glasses from up top, if you can reach ‘em!” he huffed, catching your smirking expression before he softened his tone. “Figure you can have a small glass, if you behave” he muttered, setting the fire iron down and picking up the nearby book.

“Couldn’t put it down, teach” he shrugged sheepishly. “Brought Ellie up to speed, we’ve got LOTS of questions”.

“Glad I can be of service” you grinned, pulling out your own copy of “Crime and Punishment” and waving it brazenly. “Things are starting to get interesting!”

“Can I take your coat?” Joel offered, striding towards you and reaching for your scarf before drawing his hand back tentatively.

Quickly disentangling yourself from the winter wear you handed it to Joel shyly as your hands brushed accidentally in the transfer, but Joel didn’t pull away. The crackle of the fire wasn’t the only electricity in the room, as you were poised magnetically, both holding the coat and scarf in tandem.

“That’s a real pretty color” Joel rasped, admiring the burgundy sweater you had donned in anticipation of your literary date. You swallowed dryly at the ongoing eye contact, desperate to look away, but seemingly incapable. The flickering fire highlighted the sharp outline of his jaw and dark pools of tumult hiding behind those hypnotic brown eyes. 

Damn, Joel was an attractive man. 

You had certainly noticed it before, but the cascading dip of his lower lip was pulling you into a sensuous warmth, broken only by…

“Are you guys gonna kiss??!!” Ellie’s voice pointedly shot from the hallway, as you both dropped the jacket to the ground.

“Damn it, Ellie what’d I say about interruptin’?” Joel quipped, picking up the jacket and rubbing at his lower back with the effort. “Have a seat, teach” he gestured to the dining room table as Ellie smiled brightly with affirmation.

“Joel’s been catching me up on the book. I like it. There aren’t many puns though” she teased, pulling out a chair for you and grabbing the bowls for dinner.

“Puns?” you questioned, inhaling the soft fragrance of the dried lavender, and fingering the tablecloth lightly.

“If it’s not a dad-bod, what is it?” Ellie’s voice drifted in from the kitchen as Joel paused in the hallway, irritated.

“A FATHER figure! Get it?!” 

Joel rolled his eyes good-naturedly, opening the bramble berry wine for the three of you before sitting at the head of the table. “I think we need some more nicknames if we’re gonna keep ‘em all straight in the book” he offered, grabbing a nearby napkin and draping it across his lap.

“Alright, Luzhin is pretty easy, but the Sridya…Scridya…”

“I jus’ keep callin’ him Squid-guy” Ellie jested, setting two bowls down and returning to the kitchen for more.

“Svidrigaylov…” you pulled out your best Russian accent, as Joel burst into an easy grin.

“The Snake…” he hissed playfully. “Don’t trust either of ‘em one bit” he judged, as Ellie returned with her own dinner plated, sitting between you.

“Rub a dub, dub, thanks for the grub!” Ellie chaffed, digging in to the stew and closing her eyes rapturously.

Joel huffed affirmatively, mirroring her enjoyment as you joined them.

“Alright, do I need to worry about any spoilers? Ellie, this stew is really quite good!” you praised, opening your book casually to remind yourself about the talking points. Joel beamed clandestinely from the side as Ellie chomped away.

“Caught’r up on everything I know so far; the murder, the family, Sonia…” Joel rattled off the list expertly.

“She the prostitute?” Ellie surmised, grabbing for a biscuit at the center of the table.

“Ellie!” Joel snapped, his eyes darkening quickly.

“What?” 

“Yes, she’s the prostitute” you broke in diplomatically. “Without giving too much away, I can see your character analysis is already pretty astute. Joel, I’m still curious, what makes you distrust the other two characters? They both present themselves as legitimate and upstanding citizens…” you reached for a biscuit as well, curious as to Joel’s conclusions.

“Somethin’ about that Luzhin always seemed too good to be true. Ellie knows how I feel about it, but don’t trust anybody who claims to be in the light when their actions are mostly in the dark. Take the Fireflies for example…” he shoveled a few bites of the stew into his mouth wholeheartedly.

“I thought you said Tommy was with the Fireflies…” Ellie retorted, drawing her hands into her lap placatingly. “I know…knew some people who thought they were…okay…” she trailed off, suddenly losing her appetite.

“Well, sometimes it’s hard to tell from the start, what someone’s intentions are; you know that” Joel instructed, taking a sip of bramble berry wine and registering his delight, toasting you ceremoniously. Joel really was a good father figure. You wondered how it came so easily to him, when by all accounts Ellie didn’t seem to actually be his daughter.

“I guess” Ellie pondered darkly. “We ran into all sorts of people on the road” she mumbled, pushing her plate away suddenly. “'Crime and Punishment' seems like a walk in the park, compared to…everything else” Ellie looked out the window vacantly. You often caught her with a similar nebulous expression in class before drawing her back into discussion. Joel and Ellie were really two peas in a pod. You didn’t want to press the matter, and looking over at Joel he gave a quick nod of dissent, beckoning you to move on to another topic.

“That’s true” you began, sipping your own wine hesitantly. “It’s not every literary classic that begins with a murder within the first few chapters. The two sisters, Alvona and Lizaveta are the first in a series of tragedies listed in the book…”.

“That nightmare unsettled me right quick” Joel agreed, still gazing at Ellie concernedly. “Thought she was nearly come back from the dead” he shivered slightly, returning to his stew.

“And there is a big thematic extrapolation about Lazarus when Rascal goes to see Sonia” you concurred, slowly re-engaging as Ellie rejoined the conversation. “Are you familiar with the story of Lazarus?”

“Can’t say we really take to the ‘religious’ types, teach” Joel interjected, taking a large swig of wine as he continued to watch Ellie cautiously. You followed suit, downing the rest of your glass in one gulp, unsure of the subtext in the moment. Maybe “Crime and Punishment” WASN’T a good curriculum option for the spring… “How’s that wine, Ellie? Why don’t you thank the teach for bringin’ it by” he encouraged, pouring himself another glass.

“Yeah, thanks teach” Ellie stated perfunctorily, taking a small polite sip and returning to her stew.

“It’s no trouble” you smiled, breathing a tentative sigh of relief. “Lazarus isn’t really a saint or religious figure, but he’s pretty important in Christian theology as a literal and symbolic representation of resurrection” you poured another glass of wine for yourself, feeling your tongue loosen slightly with the warmth of the beverage.

“What, like the infected?” Ellie’s eyes shot open in surprise. “You’ve seen ‘em, right? Bang! Shoot ‘em dead, they pop right back up!” she ladled another spoonful of stew into her mouth skeptically.

“I’m not sure that’s what Dostoyevsky was referencing, but it’s an interesting analogy” you acquiesced, taking another sip of wine. “In this case, Lazarus acts as a symbol for the potential spiritual and emotional rebirth of Rascalnikov. I mean, Rascal, as we like to call him” you nodded to Joel who was chewing with determination, bobbing his head. “Any other characters you had a question about?” you wiped your forehead slightly with the napkin, feeling the affects of your second glass start to coarse through your veins heatedly. Maybe you should slow down a notch.

“That other family, Joel was telling me about. The drunk guy and the coughing wife with kids…” Ellie finished her stew quickly, turning up her nose repugnantly at the wine in her glass. “Mr. Marmelade?” she quipped, rising to clear her dishes before Joel could reproach her. He poured both of you a third class of wine, polishing off the bottle for the evening, before you could protest.

“Marmeladov and Katerina?” you asked, finishing your own stew in the hopes of balancing that third glass of wine.

“Yeah, they remind me of somebody, I just couldn’t tell ya who” Ellie called from the kitchen, starting to wash the dishes as you looked over at Joel quickly. He shrugged good-naturedly, his cheeks a very light, reddish tinge from the warmth of the fireplace and the wine.

“Well, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. We’ll see them again in future chapters, so keep your eye on them!” you called back, the table taking on an ethereal glow with that third glass of wine. Guess it was a little stronger than you had figured. Joel’s eyes sparkled with a contented sheen as you watched his chest rise and fall steadily in the flickering light of the fireplace. You wondered what it would be like to kiss him. Licking your lips voraciously, you downed the remaining dregs of your wine, searching for a bit of liquid courage. 

Maybe this WAS a date. 

Joel stared back at you, his gaze drifting over the totality of your body seductively. Usually, you might have felt a bit like prey in the sights of a nearby hunter, but there was a softness and a gravity to Joel’s countenance that seemed to hypnotically draw you in, not repulse you. His eyes flicked up to meet yours almost telepathically.

“Why don’t you guys just kiss already and get it over with?” Ellie’s voice broke the spell abruptly as Joel’s head snapped to attention with a searing look of reprimand.

“Sorry, sorry!” Ellie put her hands up in mock surrender, taking the remaining plates and bussing them into the kitchen. Your cheeks reddened slightly with embarrassment, catching a sideways look at Joel who seemed to mirror your awkwardness.

“Ain’t you got some homework to do?” Joel called from the dining room table, the corner of his mouth betraying a thread of humor as you chuckled softly. Joel stood from the table quietly, heading over to your chair and pulling it out for you deftly, taking your hand gently in his. Even the numbing effects of the wine didn’t dull your surprise at the intimate gesture, as you felt the calloused brush of his fingers against your delicate skin. You didn’t have any trouble imagining them elsewhere, feeling your face flush at the unbidden fantasy.

He led you over to the fireplace, picking up his copy of “Crime and Punishment” and settling in for discussion. “You warm enough, teach?” his honeyed voice seemed to melt your resolve one iota further as you shrank under his heated gaze.

“Oh yes. Quite warm” you squeaked, as Ellie attempted to sneak past you both and up the stairs.

“Night, teach, thanks for comin’!” she finally called, at the top of the stairs. “Can’t wait to see what happens next!” before vanishing into her bedroom.

“Damn teenagers” Joel smirked thumbing through the book lazily. “She’s a good kid, and I’m glad she has you for guidance” he observed, setting the book down between you and turning his body towards yours. “She’ll always have me, but a man’s not the same. Needs a good woman in her life to…confide things in” Joel nodded to himself resolutely, his gaze starting to vanish in the hazy effervescence of the glowing fireplace. “I don’t like to push, but…you’d be just the ear for…keeping secrets and stuff” he trailed off, his eyes glazing over tiredly in the flicker of the nearby flame.

“Secrets?” you whispered, finally allowing yourself to fully take in Joel’s distinctive profile. His strong features, peppered beard, aquiline nose…and lips. Plush lips. You dragged a heavy breath through your mouth plaintively, wondering how Joel might respond to the secrets from your own past. Joel turned back to look at you fixedly, his eyes boring a hole in your already fluttering heart.

“We’ve all got secrets” he mumbled, his eyes unabashedly drifting lower to your lips, as you watched his jaw tick nervously with anticipation. “Ellie, me…you” he drawled, somehow moving closer to your body without budging an inch. He paused, his face a soft visage of authenticity, dotted by wisps of skepticism. “Don’t ‘spect you were always a teach” he ventured, his fingers twitching lightly by his side. You swallowed harshly, taking in the familiar fragrance of leather and soap, as his brows furrowed in concentration.

“What do you mean?” you managed to croak forlornly, unable to break the enchantment the night was providing.

“Just seem pretty world-wise for a teach is all” Joel muttered, dangerously close to your ear, sending a light shiver down your back expectantly.

“Are we doing this?” you questioned pointedly, picking up the book defensively, if for no other reason than to provide a small barrier between yourself and your own desire.

“What?’

“Talking about our past?”

Joel froze forebodingly, inching back ever so slightly at the mere suggestion. “Lots of things happened in the time before. Don’t mean we’ve got to talk about it…” he sulked, licking his lips dryly. “Just seems like you know a thing or two about…sufferin’”.

“We’re in the apocalypse Joel, the whole world knows a heap of suffering” you stated, more accusingly than intended. Things felt like they were going off the rails slightly. Was it the wine? Maybe “Crime and Punishment” wasn’t the literary aphrodisiac you had surmised. “Why, is there something you want to tell me about your past?” the words were out of your mouth before you had a chance to weigh them, immediately feeling the tonality of the room shift coldly.

“I just thought…” Joel stared frigidly at your now stolid expression, the recent magnetism receding into the stymied background. “Nevermind…”.

“No Joel, tell me what you meant by that statement? I seem…what? World weary? Dejected? Alone?”

“Didn’t mean nothin’ by it” Joel leaned back, grabbing the book from your grasp and holding it tenderly in his lap. “Just seemed like…you understood, that’s all”.

That was the problem, of course. Joel had easily seen through your academic facade and wasn’t too far off the mark. No one in Jackson knew about your questionable background, and they certainly didn’t need to. So long as you kept to yourself and isolated as much as possible, you could keep everyone in the commune at an arm’s length. But it seemed that Joel was impermeable to that forced distance. Maybe he too, understood a bit more personally about the type of alienation that Dostoyevsky’s writing seemed to embody. A cavernous vacuum of longing nipped at your heels tenaciously, as you stood, swaying slightly with the shift.

“Where ya goin’?” Joel sat up quickly, his hand outstretched to steady your frame, as you desperately looked around for your winter coat. 

“Gonna head home now. Lots of…reading to do…” you stuttered, tripping slightly over the hand-made coffee table and grabbing at your coat and scarf.

“Don’t go just yet, let me walk ya…” Joel rose shakily, clearing his throat with concern. He hadn’t intended to offend you. It had been a long time since he’d spoken at length about anything other than patrols, and he felt rusty at best.

“It’s okay, the cold air will do me good!” you clipped, stuffing your arms into your coat and jerking the front door open briskly.

“Will ya wait a goddam second?” Joel spat, grabbing his own coat and slamming the door behind him.

“WHAT Joel? What is it you want to hear me say? What kind of suffering is it you want me to reveal?” you turned on your heel, a new gust of wind biting at your reddening cheeks.

“Now wait a minute! I didn’t mean…”

“I don’t see you stepping into the sainthood anytime soon! Don’t think I haven’t heard the scuttlebutt around town…” you challenged, surprisingly fueled by the evening’s wine and pointing an accusatory finger at Joel’s broad chest.

“Well, whatever you heard, it’s probably true” Joel sneered, immediately biting his tongue with regret. “Some secrets should probably stay hidden” he darkly confessed, the wind whipping the brown curls of his hair across his forehead.

You hoped the tears forming in the corners of your eye went unnoticed, but Joel’s face immediately softened with the acknowledgement. “See you at the Bookshop, Joel” you sniffled, wiping at your eyes with annoyance and turning your back to him quickly. Joel grabbed at your elbow tenderly, but you quickly jerked it out of his grasp. “Don’t follow me”.

If you had glanced behind you, you would have seen Joel’s beleaguered expression, as he watched you go, wondering how the night had dissolved so quickly into an unintended argument. But you didn’t look back. You just put one definitive step in front of the other, your booted feet crunching the snow beneath you, until you arrived at your own home, collapsing in a heap of silent and lonely tears.

Crime and Punishment The Family

Foyer: There are already so many great AU fics featuring all our favorite Pedro Boys and I'd like to showcase them! In the Coffee Shop Foyer you'll find some great rec's for coffee and books alike. This week, check out Miller's Booknook @whocaresstillthelouvre as your sweet treat!

Bookshop: As per your recommendation, Joel is our shop owner. I think there's something appealing in a man who says little, but obviously feels so much.

Triggers: profanity, sexy descriptions, typical Last of Us canon, discussions of violence, cat allergies, major spoilers for "Crime and Punishment"...

Series Masterlist

Christmas had come and gone. The flurry of snow and holiday activity had begun to recede into the nearby distance, clumping into dirty pockets of slippery ice and sludge as you trudged your way down main street. In this moment you were assured of one thing;

You felt like a complete idiot.

Staggering haphazardly down the main thoroughfare of town, you caught more than a few sidelong glances as you struggled with your carried contents. It wasn’t everyday they saw the town teacher hefting a bona fide picnic basket at the epicenter of winter, and possible tail end of humanity itself. Who had time for a picnic in the apocalypse? Forget the fact that you had about ten lopsided picnic baskets in your living room from last spring’s unit on agriculture and crafts. Smiling awkwardly at your passing students, your embarrassment would have grown larger still if anyone knew the cornucopia of items you were attempting to proffer. Gone were the days of food markets and charcuterie boards. Here, at the end of the world; you had carrots.

Well, not just carrots, you had brought a few treasures, including last year’s canning of apple preserves, but you just hoped Joel wasn’t too picky an eater. You had promised lunch for your next literary discussion, and you aimed to make good on your word. More than a little late, you now found yourself under the microscope of burgeoning Jackson Commune gossip, nearly tripping over Tommy and Maria as you approached the book shop.

“Whoa, where ya going there little lady, with all those goods?” Tommy joked, arm in arm with his wife Maria, who was expecting in the spring.

“Oh, um…just checking out the new bookshop!” you chirped, a bit too enthusiastically. “For the students…my students…our students…” you rambled, peering around Tommy’s broad frame and trying to see if Joel were in the bookshop foyer.

“Watcha got cookin’ in there?” Tommy questioned, propping the basket lid slightly until Maria slapped him alongside the arm.

“Leave them alone, Tommy. What are you, “The Enquirer”?” she jested, wrapping her other protective hand around the underside of her growing belly.

“No harm in lookin’!” Tommy protested, passing by on the side and calling over his shoulder. “Tell Joel I said to be on his best behavior!” Maria chuckled quietly under her breath as your cheeks reddened slightly with chagrin. Making eye contact with Rascal the orange tabby through the bookshop window, you smirked with self-deprecation. Guess the cat’s outta the bag.

Maybe the picnic basket was a little much, but you had every right to be there. Rascal the Cat seemed non-plussed by your thought process as you shoved the bookshop door open to the tell-tale ringing of the bell. Heaving a heavy sigh of relief, you set the basket down on the lobby chair, already welcomed by the crackling wood-burning stove, inviting coffee’d fragrance and…

Ellie?

Ellie rounded the corner with a stack of books piled nearly to her head, pausing in the aisles to register her apparent surprise.

“Miss J?” she questioned, as Rascal leapt on top of the nearby picnic basket with curiosity. You nearly turned on your heel with embarrassment, but stubbornly stood rooted to the floor.

“Oh! Hi Ellie! Is your dad…” you winced “is your Joel…I mean…Is Joel here by chance?” you bumbled incoherently, watching Rascal shove an aggressive paw under the basket lid, searching for more catnip.

“Ask him yourself, he’s right behind ya…” she retorted, setting the books on the floor before she dropped them completely, as Joel bulldozed in through the door, slightly out of breath.

You had clearly caught one another unawares, as Joel stood panting quickly, a dried bunch of lavender clasped firmly in his gloved hands. His mouth dropped open surprisingly, as he took in the sight of Rascal, Ellie, you, the picnic basket and his own insecurities, shoving the door shut behind him roughly with a booted foot.

“From the ‘pothecary” he grumbled, shoving the dried lavender into your shocked grasp and making a bee-line for the back room, quickly removing his winter coat and rubbing at the back of his neck humbly.

“Jesus, Joel don’t be an asshole!” Ellie yelled, ignoring your delighted expression as Joel exclaimed from the back, “LANGUAGE!”. Ellie giggled good-naturedly eyeing the picnic basket with admiration. “Would ya like some coffee?” she rolled her eyes, shaking her head slightly at Joel’s adolescent attitude. Before you could answer, Joel’s booming voice cascaded from the back, “COFFEE’S ON THE STOVE!”. You both smiled ironically as Rascal shoved his furry head into the basket’s contents.

“Joel said you might be droppin’ by….for research?” Ellie’s eyes brightened conspiratorially, as though enlightened by a secret she alone was privy to.

“Uh…sure…it’s not everyday you trip over the new town library!” you busied yourself grabbing a cup of coffee, unsure of how to wrangle your way out of a premature conversation. “Started your homework yet for post-holidays?” you deflected, eyeing Ellie mischievously from behind your steaming mug of joe.

"You bet…” Ellie sardonically chided. “You know how much I like homework” she smiled, setting the books haphazardly on the shelves, without looking.

“Bullshit” Joel mumbled under his breath, sporting a new plaid shirt and nearly bumping into the nearby bookshelf when he caught sight of your pensive expression.

“Language” Ellie whispered sarcastically, as you attempted to hide a growing smile behind the grasped ceramic.

“Don’t you got somewhere to be?” Joel snapped quickly, shoving the sleeves of his shirt up his sinewy forearms and huffing with annoyance. “Told Tommy you were gonna muck the stables this winter…” he pointedly asked, grabbing his ice cold coffee and downing it in one swallow.

“Jesus, don’t gotta be all mean about it…” she scoffed, standing to her feet spryly and grabbing her own coat from the nearby counter. Her voice lilted as she shew’d Rascal away from the picnic basket to take a peek. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” she called, grabbing a biscuit and heading for the door. “I’ll start that homework tonight, I promise!” her voice echoed after the shop bell rang, turning impishly to make a funny face at Joel and quickly stalking away.

“Goddam teenagers…” Joel grumbled, though the soft sheen of his eyes betrayed his own sentimentality, as he shifted awkwardly under your penetrating gaze. “Gonna ask me about MY homework, teach?” he jested shyly, placing his hands on his hips and stifling a small chuckle.

“Looks like you’ve got your hands full with plenty of responsibilities!” you confessed, opening the nearby quilt with a flourish and setting the picnic basket atop it. “Hungry?”

“Starvin’” Joel admitted, striding forward and wincing slightly at his crackling knees. “Not a spring chicken…” he acknowledged, grabbing the dried lavender from your grasp and fiddling with it sweetly.

“Well, that’s why we’ve got the next generation, so they can keep us on our toes” you teased, removing your odd assortment of treats to Joel’s wondering eyes.

“Not quite sure I understand much of it…” he revealed, drawing the lavender to his nose and inhaling deeply.

“What, teenagers or life?”

“Both” Joel stated matter-a-factly as you both chuckled softly.

“And here I thought you were confused about the homework…” you pried, removing your copy of “Crime and Punishment” as the last in a series of unexpected items.

“Got plenty of questions for all three” he began, accepting a plate and looking ravenously at the quirky feast spread before him.

“Where shall we start?” you gestured at the picnic, as Joel hungrily shoved a biscuit into his mouth before it even reached the plate.

“The family” he mumbled, a few crumbs already dotting his broad chest, as you began to open the jar’d preserves and pickled vegetables.

“Yeah, I had to look them up…Alexandrovna the mom. And Dunya, the sister…” you recited, from last night’s academic notes.

“They all talk too much” Joel complained, shoving another biscuit into his mouth and grabbing for the preserves.

You laughed heartily, starting to dish up the nearest items at your fingertips, smiling at Joel’s immediate engagement. “Never had a sister, but Tommy’s fixin’ to turn into that Raz-a-whatzits here in Jackson…” Joel mocked, dipping his forefinger sloppily into the preserves and bringing it fixedly to his mouth. You gulped slightly, fixated on Joel’s puckered lower lip.

“Razumikhin?” you rasped, suddenly much warmer than you had been in the town square.

“Believing’ the best, and ignoring the rest. Don’t tell Tommy I said that…” Joel nodded approvingly at the preserves, sighing contentedly and leaning back against the bookstore counter.

“I ran into them on the way in” you observed, barring Rascal from setting up shop in the now emptied picnic basket.

“Jackson’s real good for him, only…” Joel paused, suddenly steeped in self doubt.

“Only what?” you asked, unsure of his directionality.

“Don’t think Maria likes me” he mumbled, shifting his body weight uncomfortably on the hard wooden floor.

“Maria is shrewd. A real investigator if you ask me. Just wants what’s best for her family and the town…” you offered, finally allowing Rascal to overtake the picnic basket as he purred victoriously.

Joel nodded, picking at the rogue crumbs strewn across his plaid shirt. “She sees a lot” he agreed, picking up the lavender once again. “She wouldn’t believe that Luzhin for one damn second…” he noted, picking at the dried flower absentmindedly.

“Reallllly? What makes you say that?”

“Man’s gotta rely on his instincts if he wants to survive” Joel stated matter-a-factly. “Luzhin is no good, I’ll tell you that right now. Plenty of people in this world that will take advantage of people like Tommy, Ellie…YOU. Gotta be careful” once again Joel seemed to vanish into a world entirely his own, as you paused, wondering if he were still talking about “Crime and Punishment”.

“Well, a big thematic component Dostoyevsky likes to explore is intentionality and motivation…” you continued hesitantly, lost somewhat in the stormy countenance of Joel’s faraway gaze. “Rascalnikhov oscillates between his own self-inflicted punishment and a desire to transcend the boundaries of natural law with impunity. He constantly questions the limitations of situational morality and utilitarian ethics. He can’t even bring himself to acknowledge the murder, rationalizing that he didn’t kill a person, he just killed a concept, but that reasoning only lasts so long. At the end of the day, we ALL ask the question—who do we answer to? Particularly in a society that inflicts such pain upon itself…” you let your words hang silently in the air, concerned at Joel’s disappearing visage. What inner world was he retreating into? You took a moment to absorb the lines and wrinkles painting his face, as his jaw worked needlessly against some clandestine challenge. The sudden unbidden desire to drag your fingers across the rough stubble of his beard flashed through your mind, as Joel heaved a heavy sigh of unknown conflict.

“More coffee?” his eyes suddenly found yours with a dazzling light, as he emerged from whatever tumult had surrounded him.

“Sure!” you chirped, having only drunk half of the cooling beverage. Joel noisily staggered to his feet, already uncomfortable in the seated position for such a burly guy. Rubbing at his lower back his other hand grazed yours, taking the coffee mug wordlessly and heading over to the wood burning stove.

“How’s Ellie doing in school?” he muttered, with his back to you amidst the growing library of treasured books. Surprised at his shift in topic, you immediately jumped at the chance to learn anything about their mutual, mysterious background.

“Ellie’s a sharp student. Quick witted with a swift tongue…” you smiled at the diplomatic appraisal, but it was true. Ellie was one of those rare students who didn’t speak much, but when they did, their words whistled clean and true, like a penetrating arrow. Joel must know as much.

“Yeah, that girl’s got a mouth on her” he chuckled, returning with your refreshed coffee and towering above you. “Doubt I’m much of a damn good influence” he reasoned, reaching across your body, and coming dangerously close to your lips as he grabbed one final biscuit. You indulgently caught a quick fragrance of leather, soap and pine that overwhelmed your entire being for that millisecond. Unsure if Joel somehow noticed, you thought you saw the smallest twinkle graze the corner of his eye as he headed to the back room definitively.

Speaking almost to yourself you continued, “I DO wish I knew more about the students in my classroom, it would make it easier to connect with them on the things that really matter…” you trailed off, beginning to ponder aloud. “I wonder if Dostoyevsky would be a good read for the spring…”.

“You’re the expert, teach” Joel reappeared with a stack of new books, including a beleaguered yellow pages from the outlying territories. “Just seems like a lot of death for new, young lives” he questioned, hefting the stack of books on the front counter and heading back for more. You began to clear some of the picnic away as Rascal the orange tabby protested vociferously.

“It’s true, but some of it is unavoidable” you vented, thinking on the cornucopia of ages and backgrounds represented in your small classroom of maybe 25 children and teenagers. “Some of these kids have seen enough brutality to last a lifetime, and others have been completely insulated from the outside world for their entire existence”. You shook your head, incapable of comprehending how to provide for all of their educational needs. “What about the two of you? Did you see much violence on the road to Jackson?” the words were out of your mouth before you considered them, immediately arrested by the stoic silence of the backroom. Several moments passed before Joel reappeared with a smaller stack of books to join the first.

“Yeah” Joel huffed, unwilling or unable to go into more detail at the present moment, and you didn’t want to push it. “Ellie is tough. She can stand it. But not all my…not all girls are alike” Joel enigmatically offered, gesturing at you broadly. “What about you teach? You seem tough as nails, ‘specially for a bookish sort” he probed, tossing the yellow pages at your feet as Rascal scampered out of the way. Your eyes flashed with acknowledgement, thinking back on your first, surprising bookshop meeting. You were no shrinking violet, but you weren’t sure how much of that information would be beneficial for your educational duties. Setting the picnic basket to one side, and picking up the yellow pages for future organization, you avoided.

“You’re probably right. Not all girls are the same. And Ellie can take care of herself” you reticently observed, looking Joel dead in the eyes as you grabbed a nearby stack of reading material. “I’m pretty sure the 300’s are science or social science”.

“Don’t know much about that, teach. I’m not really a man of science” he scoffed, heading to the backroom darkly.

“I think Dostoyevsky would agree with you!” you yelled to the back, beginning a new section of literary options and returning to the main topic of discussion. “He hates the high brow aristocracy, and scientific knowledge to the exclusion of all else. But make no mistake, D is a writer of tremendous emotion…and BELIEF!”

“Bullshit!” Joel emerged from the backroom one last time, nearly dropping the towering array of books balanced precariously in his hold. “Don’t quote me some Firefly, ‘lost in the darkness, look for the light shit’” he complained, punctuating his opinion by dumping the book stack unceremoniously atop the front counter.

“Language!” you sarcastically teased, as Joel’s face tinged with the sweetest shade of red imaginable. “I don’t want to get too far ahead of you, so you’re just gonna have to trust me on this one. But think about Rascal’s slipshod theory about the inhuman”.

“What, like the infected?” Joel debated, searching for any books on the sciences. “If you tell me Dostoyevsky was a fortune teller, Rascal’ll kick you out before I can…” Joel toted the appropriate books over to your aisle, shoving them into the side of your shoulder mockingly. Attempting to avoid the distraction of his intoxicating fragrance you plowed onward, however unsuccessfully.

“RASCALNIKOV” you enunciated mischievously, turning into the pile of books “starts to wax philosophical about a master human race. A division of inferiors and superiors, Napoleons and what-nots, but it’s all one big fallacy for his own self-aggrandized delusions”.

“Them’s a lot of big words, teach” Joel pursed his lips defiantly, scanning the whole of your body skeptically, and not without a tinge of arousal.

“It’s all a big show! Rascal can’t escape his own self-judgement or admit his actual motivations for the crime itself! He’s completely mired in his own delusional alienation and desperately grasping at anything he can find to avoid the acknowledgement of human pride and base inferiority. He’s just as infected as everybody else!” you finally exclaimed, noticing how closely Joel was watching your passionate expression, as his eyes hovered precariously over your now trembling lips. You tried to still the flutter of your shivered breathing, unwilling to break eye contact as Joel was magnetically drawn closer.

“You’re comin’ to dinner” he broke the spell abruptly, returning to the backroom nonsensically, and avoiding the incredulity of your followed gaze.

“WHAT?” you called after him, looking around the room haphazardly to find Rascal the orange tabby sitting smugly atop the repacked picnic basket.

“YOU HEARD ME!” Joel’s voice echoed from the back room, as you threw your hands up placatingly, imploring Rascal the Cat to offer any assistance whatsoever, and finding a lack of feline solace.

“I suppose I’m bringing another picnic basket?!” you remarked, huffing with feigned annoyance and grouping the books sloppily on the shelf.

“Not this time, teach. Gonna put Ellie and me to work and have you over tomorrow night at the house” Joel’s voice crescendoed until his broad frame was nearly on top of yours. “Ask anyone around town, you’ll find us. Seven sharp” his eyes squinted skeptically, almost challenging you to refuse.

“Fine”.

“Fine” his low voice rumbled forebodingly in his chest as you stared back.

“Fine”.

Rascal the Cat meowed curiously, as though joining the conversation. A smile teased at the corners of your mouth, watching Joel’s jaw tick playfully. “Now, scram, I gotta work and you’re distractin’ me from my homework” he chaffed, turning on his heel and smiling to himself with delight. It was a date.

“I’m distractin’….?” you queried to no avail, as Joel’s thick frame had already exited the foyer and returned to the bowels of the backroom bookshop. Rascal blinked sleepily in your direction with self-satisfaction. Hidden from sight, you beamed triumphantly. Grabbing your winter wear and hoisting the significantly lighter picnic basket, you confiscated the dried lavender from the floor, tucking it into your shirt pocket. “I’LL BRING THE COFFEE, MILLER!” you giddily reprimanded, nodding at Rascal and making a quick exit to the sound of the bookshop bell.

Things were starting to get interesting.

@morallyinept @littlemisspascal @wannabe-urs

@beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox @wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges

@janaispunk @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya @schnarfer @devineconjuring 

@mermaidgirl30 @mandolover37 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk 

@sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita @princesspurple75

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin

Pedge's Bookshop The Murder

Foyer: There are already so many great AU fics featuring all our favorite Pedro Boys and I'd like to showcase them! In the Coffee Shop Foyer you'll find some great rec's for coffee and books alike. Bring your library card--this if one of my favorite tropes! This week, check out "Snooze" by @tightjeansjavi, it's a beautiful refreshment before our discussion turns to a darker roast...

Triggers: profanity, major spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", references to murder/violence, typical Last of Us canon, no smut yet, just bristling with...academia, cats (allergic?), too much coffee consumption...

Series Masterlist

It was quite early in the morning as you trudged through the main street of the Jackson Commune with a satchel of notepaper and a newfound pocketful of optimism. Only the local apothecary would be open this early, but truth be told, you hadn’t slept much the night before. Bracing yourself against the cold tundra winds, your boots crunching in the seemingly ever-present snow, you couldn’t help but indulge in the inner warmth of your recent hopeful encounter….with Joel.

Finding yourself on an extended winter break, your educational duties had slowed to a grinding halt, as you watched friends and local families celebrate the holidays in whatever unconventional way they could. You had to admit that Jackson had worked a small Christmas miracle in providing decency, organization and community in an otherwise sparse territory. But once again, the holidays only served to highlight your growing isolation in contrast. You loved the small niche you had been able to carve out for yourself, here at the end of the world. You just wished it included someone else. Or at least a good book to read. Enter Joel. 

Stumbling into the apothecary with a flurry of wind and snow, you made small talk with the shopkeep, casting a wary glance across the road to The Bookshop. You weren’t sure if Joel and his feline companion would even be accessible this early in the morning, but lo and behold, the bookshop was casting a cheery glow in the wintry dawn. It would be impossible to disguise your enthusiasm, returning a mere 12 hours since yesterday, but you felt restless as ever with the new prospect of passionate…discussion. Traipsing across Joel and this treasure trove of literary wonders had lit a small, ambitious fire within you. You hoped you weren’t getting too far ahead of yourself, but if the apocalypse had taught you anything it was to seize opportunities as soon as they presented themselves, and this was too good a chance to pass up. You weren’t sure if you could edge your way through Joel’s formidable emotional armor, but if Dostoyevsky could help you, all the better. Striking up a conversation about the classic “Crime and Punishment” had nudged a small crack in the otherwise impenetrable vizard of the commune’s most intriguing hermit, and you were determined to get your foot in the door, in more ways than one. Besides, it was good research if you were going to provide the most nurturing and educational atmosphere for his ward, Ellie. Trading for your small apothecary purchase, you crossed the distance to the bookshop, peering at the large “CLOSED” sign in the window. 

Tentatively trying the handle, you breathed a sigh of relief, pushing the door open to the telltale ringing sound of the bookshop bell. Quickly shutting the door, you sighed with contentment at the heat of the foyer. How was it so warm? Your eyes noticed the small wood burning stove in the book nook alcove, nodding your head in affirmation. You didn’t remember that from yesterday. Joel had really thought of everything. Reflecting back on your most recent encounter, you endeavored to make yourself immediately known to avoid a repeat surprise. Though, if totally honest, your stomach dipped slightly with the possibility of seeing his face again, whatever the circumstance. You had spent all night, jotting down notes from your memory of several decades past. The plot of “Crime and Punishment” was very straightforward, but the character names and subsequent themes were a labyrinth of literary genius, and you weren’t a hundred percent sure you could remember every detail. Gone were the days of Google, but you hoped the ongoing conversation with Joel could jog your memory. Or at the very least, maybe add a small spark of cheer to an otherwise dreary and somewhat lonely holiday season.

“Anybody home?” you called out optimistically, noticing the striking fragrance of coffee already permeating the bookshop as the orange tabby trotted in from the backroom, leading the way before Joel’s immediately imposing figure. Joel’s face was buried in a book, as he confidently strode forward, not making eye contact but heading to the wood burning stove. 

“Coffee?” he rasped, a new plaid shirt hugging the broad contours of his frame, as the cat nudged itself against your calves, already purring contentedly.

“Oh!” you quirked, curious as to Joel’s seeming bravado which contradicted his apparent anticipation of your “unexpected” arrival. Perhaps you weren’t the only one who was looking forward to another chance encounter? “I don’t want to use up your stock…” you mused, rummaging through your bags for the apothecary purchase.

“S’no trouble, I’ve got extra” Joel glanced sideways as you retrieved the small parcel of catnip. You thought you caught the smallest upturn of his mouth, but it was immediately gone under your watchful gaze.

“I’ll bet you like that, don’t you, Rascal?” you teased the cat playfully, dangling the treat to its clawing attacks. “What do you think, is that a good name for our furry companion?” you questioned, setting your bag near the foyer armchair and removing your winter scarf.

“You’re the expert, teach” Joel finally looked up, a crackle of electricity flashing across his countenance that quickly disappeared as he turned his back to you, heading towards the wood burning stove. “Hope you like it dark…” he stated matter-a-factly, pouring the coffee into a nearby ceramic and shoving it towards you unceremoniously. “Least it’s hot…” he shrugged, watching you mindfully and towering above you as you sat in the comfortable arm chair.

Pausing as you realized he expected you to drink it immediately, you quickly grabbed the offering, bringing the cup to your lips enthusiastically. This was short lived, as the potent beverage jolted through your system, eliciting a coughing fit, covered by bouts of laughter. “Strong…” you wheezed, nodding your head with appreciation.

“You’re just like Ellie” he grumbled, though apparently satisfied with your reaction and heading back to the front counter. “Wht’s the good of coffee if it ain’t strong?” he argued, picking up the book and furrowing his brow in consternation.

“Made it through part two yet?” you probed, eyeing Joel conspiratorially. You wondered if there were only one copy of the book, as you wouldn’t mind a refresher before your next conversation.

“Not the best student, teach” Joel complained, shaking his head with self-deprecation. “Might be a lost cause…” he pondered, setting the book down and gesturing to the stack of books behind you. “Found another copy though…if you want it…” he lowered his gaze to the cat’s playful self-banter, though as your face lit up with recognition, his attention snapped quickly to your ebullient reaction. Grabbing the nearby quilt, you wrapped yourself up in the warmth of familiarity, tracing a finger down the spine of this most recent copy, as though handling a sacred artifact. Nowadays, it really was. These could be the only two copies in the world, for all you knew. You hugged the book to your chest, basking in the warmth of luxury. Opening your eyes you noticed Joel watching you meticulously, his face nearly unreadable, but his eyes shining brightly with acknowledgement.

“Okay” he nodded, returning to the book and leafing through the pages. “Rapscallion’s a damned near idiot if you ask me…” he mumbled, huffing with frustration and taking a large swig of his own coffee to punctuate the opinion.

“Raskolnikov?” your eyebrows lifted up to your forehead, tilting your head sideways and relishing the feline’s ongoing maneuvers. “I assume you’re not talking about the cat…” you jested, breathing in the musky fragrance of the book pages as you delicately fingered your way to the end of chapter six.

“Didn’t think he had it in’m” Joel scoffed, and you wondered if his tone were one of scathing judgement or clandestine admiration. “Guess you can never tell with people sometimes…” he decided, setting the book down heavily on the counter as though aching to avoid it. “Right at the beginning too!” he exclaimed, his eyes squinting with incredulity. “What’s the rest of the book about, anyhow?” he questioned, picking it back up restlessly.

“I can tell you the ending right now, if you want…” you teased, shuffling your feet together playfully and looking over the edge of the book mischievously.

“You wouldn’t dare” Joel gazed at you skeptically, as though trying to gauge your gumption. “What kinda teacher is that?” he mumbled, setting the book back down defiantly. “Could just flip to the end if I want…” he pouted, rubbing at the back of his neck with humility.

“You could, but then you’d miss all the angst” you sarcastically gibed, skimming through the previous pages to see if your memory had been relatively accurate.

“Got a teenager in my house with all the angst you could want” Joel contested, picking up the book one final time as though trying to decipher an ancient, mysterious text. The silence hung between the two of you, stretched into an odd sense of comfort as the quilt melted around you comfortingly and the wood stove crackled joyfully in the corner.

“I forgot about the illness…” you mused, skimming the surrounding pages and reaching for your notebook.

“Is this a pop quiz, teach?” Joel bantered, leafing through the pages cynically.

“No, no tests today, Miller. It’s just interesting to deconstruct the book after the contagion, you know?” you proffered, jotting down some ideas for future pondering. “Dostoyevsky was of the opinion that crime was a harbinger of illness, guilt, paranoia…all manner of psychological maladies that could isolate and twist the human psyche”. If you had glanced up at Joel you might have seen him blanch slightly at the observations, but it was immediately replaced with a mask of stoicism, as you continued. “Wonder what D would have to say about the pandemic of a society bent on destroying itself? A contagion not only of Cordyceps, but of corruption and violence itself. Wasn’t new to Dostoyevsky’s time and it certainly isn’t new to ours…” you trailed off, thankful to be housed in the armored atmosphere of the commune and its residents, rather than fighting and clawing for your own survival from one day to the next.

“Don’t expect the people in the last century had many more luxuries than we do now" Joel surmised, his mood immediately darkening under the onslaught of unarticulated memories. “Survival doesn’t allow for much livin’” he wisely stated, thumbing the ridge of his book as though looking for hidden insights.

“Wow, Miller, you might just get an ‘A’ on this quiz after all” you ventured, thinking through the poverty, trauma and history of humanity. What had allowed Dostoyevsky to transcend the challenges of his time, and speak so presciently into the horrors of our own? And what would he think about a society that could no longer hide the contagion of its own demise, clawing and grasping at any thread for survival while debating the loss of its own humanity? “Guess we started with the easy stuff…” you jested, momentarily soothed by the cat’s oblivious joy in such a simple activity.

“Nothing accidental about killin’” Joel bluntly intruded, enunciating his words definitively. “Kill or be killed, if you ask me…” a dark, foreboding seemed to encapsulate his demeanor, as a minuscule shiver rippled across his back. You haltingly held your breath, remembering your surprising encounter yesterday. There was something about Joel that seemed almost primal; a kind of wildness that fit the landscape you found each other in. You weren’t sure how applicable any of the previous societal norms were to a period of history already marked by such far-reaching lawlessness, but you were willing to bet Joel was at least tethered to the laws of nature. How could he and Ellie have survived without it? You were trying to formulate that very question when Joel interrupted again.

“But Rascal is different…” Joel meandered forward as you closed your mouth with hesitation. You’d never heard him utter this many words in the entire length of his commune residency, and you wondered how long he had kept these thoughts to himself. “Rascal…he doesn’t have to…I mean…he doesn’t have to…murder” Joel finally blurted out, slamming the book shut again as though at war with the material itself. Shaking his head with frustration, he headed over to the mismatched bookshelves and attempted to helplessly organize the haphazard assortment of found treasures. 

“Well, of course, I can’t be sure of Dostoyevsky’s intention, but maybe we have a case of Rascal doing the wrong thing, for the right reason?” you offered, setting your book to one side and rising to join Joel in the organization. “I’m not sure alphabetically sorting this cornucopia is going to be the best Dewey Decimal system…” you stated, beginning to pile books and magazines according to thematic interpretations.

“Horse-shit” Joel mumbled under his breath, pausing to look at you carefully, as though seeing something for the first time, and wondering at its validity.

“Why, how do you wanna organize it?” you threatened, pouting with annoyance.

“No, I just mean…you think he shoulda killed ‘em?” Joel spat with incredulity, placing his hands on his hips angrily.

“Oh! Now hold up…I didn’t say that. Come to think of it, Dostoyevsky didn’t even say that. Think about the dream for a sec…” you gathered up a stack of books, heading over to an empty bookshelf and clearing a space for general works and computer science, however irrelevant those topics currently seemed.

“That didn’t make any goddam sense either! Forgive my french, teach…” Joel sputtered, leaning over the bookshelf, now thoroughly engaged. “Iff you’ve got a mare, good and healthy, what’s the point of slaughtering it, just to prove a point?” he bellowed, smacking his hand against the wooden shelf for emphasis. You jumped ever so slightly at how demonstrative he was becoming, but passion was much better than apathy, you reasoned.

“Yeah, that’s one of the most famous metaphors of D’s writing prowess. You’ve got an exploration of man’s bestiality, the suffering of the horse, the innocence of the child. And Rascal is smack dab in the middle of it. I think the 100’s are all about philosophy or psychology or something like that…” you trailed off, trying to decide where to put the 2015 magazine copy of Maxim.

“Still don’t make no sense” Joel returned to grumbling and shoving books around the shelf distractedly. “He goes to all the trouble of planning the murder, and then doesn’t even hide his crime. Keeps blamin’ everybody but himself. I don’t know, teach, it’s almost like he WANTS to get caught…” Joel tossed his hands up flippantly, huffing like an old steam engine, finally giving up. “More coffee?” he blustered, grabbing your half drunk mug with his own and heading for a refill.

“Well, there’s the rub right there” you agreed, trying to remember all the sections of your home town’s now non-existent library. You thought maybe religion was in the 200’s somewhere… “In Raskolnikov, I mean our buddy Rascal, you see a victim mentality, his own inadequacies and self-sabotage, displaced blame…He’s a big old pot of stew, brewing just below the surface. And then, there’s Plato.”

“Not the friend, right? Talks too much” Joel complained, setting your coffee next to you on the shelf and turning the handle slightly towards you. The small gesture didn’t go unnoticed, as you sallied forth.

“No, not the friend. Like, Plato the philosopher. We don’t have any copies of “The Republic” do we?” you asked, thumbing through the woebegone copy of Curious George you’d stumbled upon.

“Don’t think the bookshop is ready for requests, teach” Joel observed, taking another large sip of his newly refreshed coffee.

“Yeah, I’m getting ahead of myself” you smirked, returning to your task. “Plato was the first philosopher to really start pondering the justice of society. What is considered good? And how do we assess the good of the many versus the needs of the individual?”.

Joel took a pregnant pause, waiting in anticipation for more which never followed. “Well, what’d he say about it?”

“I don’t know, we don’t have a copy of the ‘The Republic’, Miller. Get to work!” you teased, stuffing the copy of Curious George against his chest, which felt like a brick wall under your feathered touch. “Kids section” you decisively stated, looking into Joel’s immovable countenance with joviality. “Something a little easier than ‘Crime and Punishment’”.

“My readin’ level?” he sarcastically quipped, rolling his eyes and looking at the cover.

“Oh no, you’re a man of action around here, I can tell” you intoned, returning to your task at hand. “‘Crime and Punishment’ is written for individuals JUST like us. There’s theory and there’s action, and everything in between. But this old book from the 1800’s is just as relevant as it ever was”. Joel stood before you, resuming his characteristic reticence and gazing at you curiously. 

“I can see why Ellie likes ya” he finally stated, as though casting approval, before disappearing behind a nearby bookshelf to start the kid’s section. Smiling to yourself you winked at Rascal the cat who was purring nearby. Several hours transpired as you and Joel worked together silently, trading books for appropriate sections and slowly making your way through the bookshop and the dwindling pot of coffee. It was nearly noonday when you stood up to achingly stretch, wiping your hands together proudly with the confidence of a hard morning’s work.

“Alright Miller I’m taking off!” you began to shout, turning to find Joel standing a matter of inches away from you. You startled with surprise before crumpling with embarrassment amidst a flurry of anxious giggles. Clearing your throat, you side stepped his broad frame to grab your own copy of “Crime and Punishment” and satchel for the road.

“I mean, ya just got here…” Joel muttered, as Rascal appeared around the corner, attempting to stowaway in your belongings. “What’s the homework, teach?” he shrugged boyishly, casting a glance at his own copy of the classic.

“Let’s see, I think that gets us to the end of Part Two, let’s pick up at the end of Part Three…” you rationalized, kicking playfully at Rascal as it wrapped itself stubbornly around your jeans cuff.

“Alright, you’re bringin’ lunch next time” Joel huffed, returning to the front desk and resuming his recognizable constitution of vexation. Your mouth dropped open with incredulity at his authoritative assumption, before he called after your departing figure.

“Only fair, since I made breakfast” while his face didn’t register any shift in emotion, his voice held a thread of teasing, as you deftly attempted to dislodge Rascal from your ankle.

“You call that breakfast, Miller?!” you bantered, setting the cat atop the nearby quilt, to mewling protestations that were immediately doused by the wintry gale cascading in from the now open doorway. The bell chimed your begrudging departure as Joel looked up from the book directly. 

“See ya tomorrow, teach” he waved with two fingers, returning to his next reading assignment, as you braced yourself for the moderate walk home. Walking a fair pace down main street you hugged the copy of “Crime and Punishment” lovingly to your chest, smiling at the commune’s square come to life with laughing children and approving parents. Pausing for a moment to gaze behind, you could have sworn you saw Joel’s formidable figure standing in the bookshop foyer, looking in your direction, but it was almost immediately gone amidst the flurry of snow and town activity. See ya tomorrow, Miller, you jested, already planning your next passionate…discussion.

@morallyinept @littlemisspascal @wannabe-urs

@beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox @wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges

@janaispunk @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya @schnarfer @devineconjuring 

@mermaidgirl30 @mandolover37 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk 

@sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita @princesspurple75

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin @zaniasky @quicax3

@shaunasflannel @anelva @shinyanchorobject @flyingthroughtheave @anoverwhelmingdin 

hello, dear ❤️

with this ask I challenge you to write a ficlet (or anything bigger if you want) inspired by this screenshot:

may the writing muses be with you 🧚🏼‍♀️

xoxo

ps. you’ve asked for something unconventional hope this is good enough to challenge you

This was so fun to incorporate in an ongoing series, and to do so in an unexpected way. Check out Pedge's Bookshop if you want the final result...

Pedge's Bookshop Prologue

Grab a Latte! lounge around in the foyer with this sweet fic "Coffee Shop Date" @mermaidgirl30 before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, implied PTSD/anxiety attack, accidental surprise attack, this series will feature MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment" so start readin' now!

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

The cold winter breeze stung the bitter rosebud of your cheeks as you folded your arms tightly against the bracing barrage. Another Christmas at the compound. It had been several years since your acceptance into the sterling community, and every initial interaction had been one of desperation and gratitude. You had enjoyed setting up the small school for teenagers and children, embracing the tenuous comfort and security of a fledgling society fighting for its life and every day had seemed like a small miracle. But with the passage of time and cessation of minute to minute survival risks, you paled at your recent discovery; life had become repetitive, and even dull.

Watching the happy children circling around the main street tree, couples laughing contentedly and home made gifts being passed from household to household, you were immensely thankful for every miraculous circumstance. But you couldn’t help but reflect on the adage that mankind was made for more than survival. The nuances of your solitary life had begun to weigh heavily upon you, and you wondered if anyone in the commune could understand the gaping hole that solitude brought, in a world that was already so isolated. Trudging down the epicenter of town you smiled politely as families passed you, waving at some of your students and finally stopping at the new storefront at the end of the thoroughfare. 

The shop had remained unoccupied for years, until you noticed a lone individual carrying boxes of lumber and tools every week for a month. It wasn’t someone you immediately recognized, but scuttlebutt around town said that Tommy’s brother had arrived with a passenger in tow. That wayfarer had turned out to be Ellie, one of your most artistic and insightful learners in the cornucopia of students that you advised once or twice a week, when patrols and other duties allowed. The only thing you knew about her apparent guardian, Joel, was that he wasn’t available for conference, and largely kept to himself in the eating area. No one had said much, but you weren’t oblivious to the sideway glances and general foreboding that seemed to emanate from his demeanor. This was a man not to be trifled with, and he couldn’t seem to care less about any of the things that mattered so much to you. His whole being seemed to scream, “stay away”, so you did. Ellie was more than capable of handling herself, and truthfully you couldn’t blame him. In a world that was collapsing in on itself, survival was the only truly connective tissue. Everything else seemed like a luxury.

Stopping in front of the wide-paned windows, your jaw dropped slightly at the unexpected sight; books. Scores and scores of BOOKS! With the inaccessibility of technology, tablets were a thing of the past, and it had been countless years since you had set foot in a library of any kind. WHERE did all these books come from? Tentatively pausing at the door stop, you shook the smattering of snow from your head and shoulders and entered the warmth of the bookshop, accompanied by the small chime of a bell.

Letting the door shut behind you, you gazed wondrously at the craftsmanship of the front desk which was littered with empty mugs and assorted papers. There were shelves full of mismatched books, magazines and papers and a beautiful staircase leading up to a sparse upper level that held chairs, pillows and quilts. Breathing deeply you smelled the telltale fragrance of the written word, your eyes welling up with emotion. The Barnes and Nobles of the post-apocalyptic world had come to fruition here in the Jackson Commune, and you apparently had Joel Miller to thank for it. As if that weren’t idyllic enough, a small, beleaguered looking orange tabby lazily trotted towards you encircling your ankles and rubbing up against your calves with affection. Another solo journeyman. “Well hello there!” you whispered, immediately enchanted with the fantastical sight that greeted you unexpectedly. Maybe you’d read Joel Miller wrong. Was this really a literary utopia of his making? 

Wandering down the center aisle you were immediately intrigued by the myriad of material available. As the town instructor, you could make good use of this new resource, but not in the current state of affairs. There was apparently no rhyme or reason to the organization of texts, as you thumbed through the selection haphazardly. Noticing a nearly ancient copy of Playboy propped up against “War and Peace” you smirked sardonically. Perfect for the sex education and history curriculum combo? Perhaps Joel could use some assistance…

Having a treasure trove like this at your disposal was going to be a tremendous asset, but it was definitely a diamond in the rough. Beggars can’t be choosers, and many of the books available were limping through their own existence, much like the residence of the Jackson Commune. Water damage, fire, moths…Some of the books seemed to be missing their covers, and entire sections of material were potentially lost for the ages. You pouted with dismay, reminiscing about the hours spent devouring the classics, poetry, and scientific discoveries—hoping to bring even a snippet of that educational power house to the children and teenagers in your care. 

Rounding the corner your breath hitched hesitantly in your throat as you noticed the back of the broad shouldered individual before you. Clad in a comfortable plaid shirt that hugged his body snugly you recognized the peppered locks of hair framing the back of his head. My literary benefactor, you pondered, approaching quietly with the tabby prancing by your feet. You cleared your throat timidly, reaching up to touch his shoulder delicately. 

Before a single word left your mouth the tall figure before you turned on their heel, dropping the book to the floor as the tabby skittered away in fright. A muscled forearm shoved you up against the bookshelf, pinning you down as a broad thigh locked between your legs in dominance. The breath completely left your body as sharp eyes seemed to penetrate your very soul—questioning your identity, your intentions, your presence…all furrowed under the passionate brows of the fire-like gaze that split the air like a knife. As though transformed by an unknown motivation, the dark eyes immediately softened, pulling back quickly as you dropped slightly forward to your knees, coughing with irritation.

“What’dya want?” Joel’s eyes were a penetrative mask of skepticism, but his tone was laced with the smallest tinge of penitence.

“Jesus, Joel!” you sputtered, rubbing at your neck tenderly and attempting to calm your pounding, adrenaline fueled heartbeat. “What the hell?” you choked, sliding down the bookshelf and plopping yourself down on the floor unceremoniously.

“Don’t hear so good anymore” Joel mumbled, dropping cautiously down on one knee and wincing with the effort. His expression was already shifting as he looked over your body with assessment, and….something else. “You hurt?” he questioned, scooping up the book with a large paw and placing his other heavy hand on your outstretched leg.

Shooing his hand away with annoyance you noticed the orange tabby peak its head out from behind the bookshelf inquisitively. “Is this how you greet all your customers, Miller?’ you spat out vehemently, pulling your knees up to your body defensively, more embarrassed at yourself than actually wounded.

“Shouldn’t sneak up on people like that” Joel offered, as though explaining his over-reaction to a satisfactory degree. “Look, uh…you’ll have to come back. We’re not quite ready for guests yet” he decided, as the cat lazily returned, bumping its head against Joel’s knee good naturedly.

“Goddam, will ya let me get up off the floor first?!” you retorted, swallowing dryly as your heartbeat settled into a more steady rhythm. Joel paused, swallowing hard and rubbing at the back of his neck dolefully.

“Srry, I shoulda put up the sign. Just gettin’ started…” he begrudgingly apologized, reaching out for your hand as he tiredly stood, now towering above you. “Let me help ya up”. You squinted skeptically at his hand as though waiting for a bomb to explode, as Joel stood resolutely, waiting for your acquiescence. “I’m Joel, by the way”.

“I know who you are Miller” you grunted, heaving yourself up and swatting his outstretched hand to the side. “Can you say the same about me?” Joel placed his hand defiantly on his hip, hiding the book slightly behind his back and looking at your appraisingly.

“School-teach” he gruffly answered sizing you up for the pocket change you were, compared to his lumbering figure. “Ellie likes you a lot” he proffered, potentially as a peace offering. The orange tabby slinked between you, unenthusiastically, in search of its next distraction. You bit your lower lip with reticence, surprised that Joel even knew who you were. Maybe you weren’t quite as isolated as you thought. 

“Missed you at parent…I mean, uh…teacher conference this last Fall. Too busy?” you tentatively accused, ignoring your growing curiosity of the book Joel was surreptitiously hiding behind his back.

Joel cleared his throat awkwardly, “Patrol has me pretty occupied. Well, that and procurin’ these books. Ellie’s got a thing for certain books…” he mused, starting to relax a bit in your presence now that the imagined danger was abating.

“Well thanks…uh…for your service. Ellie is a remarkable student, you must be doing something right there” you stated, matter-a-factly, suddenly becoming more awkward by the minute.

“S’no problem. I like reading’ too, when I have the time” a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth in a drawl and you nearly melted on the spot. You hadn’t seen THAT before. This man might be dangerous in more ways than one. The silence hung in the air like a steely icicle beginning to melt. He’s not so scary, you silently mused, watching Joel scan your face for micro expressions, as though encountering a wounded animal. Your defenses were lowering a bit as you quickly grabbed for the book he was hiding, finally gaining a temporary upper hand. 

Walking down the aisle with Joel trotting after you like the orange tabby, you observed, “Looks like you could use some help, Miller. Doesn’t seem like you know anything about the Dewey Decimal system” plopping yourself down on the pillowed, ornate wooden chair near the storefront window you continued to feign confidence. “Did you make this?” you suddenly blurted out, fingering the deep, polished mahogany wood and marveling at the craftsmanship. 

“S’no trouble” Joel grunted, a light reddish tinge gracing his cheeks and neck. Oh this man was going to be a problem, you realized, finally gazing down at the “secret” book Joel had been perusing.

“Crime and Punishment??” you balked, mouth agape in surprise, “THIS is what you’ve selected for some light reading?” you scoffed, fingering the pages delicately and gazing at Joel anew. Who WAS Joel Miller?

“Uh…I’m only into the first few chapters” Joel deflected, stuffing his hands tightly in his jean pockets as the tabby reappeared, jumping into your lap cozily. “There’s more important things than readin’ I guess” he cleared his throat, somewhat juxtaposed by his month-long labor of love. You scoffed inwardly, basking in the steadily purring rhythm of the cat’s hum and sitting back in the sturdy chair. 

“I don’t know, it seems like the real moments of survival make you more appreciative of what it means to be alive” you introspected. “What it means to be human…”. Joel guiltily looked around the room as though caught somehow in a hidden indulgence, but relaxed his posture watching you stroke the cat affectionately.

“Nice to have some quiet” Joel finally agreed, jaunting over to the front desk and clearing the space haphazardly. You leafed through the worn pages and frayed edges of the cover, harkening back in your memory to your first reading of the classic. 

“The names are a doozy” you joked, peaking over at Joel’s curious expression hovering behind the counter. “Svidrigailove, Raskolnifkov?…”.

“Don’t know that first fella” Joel confessed. “I just call the other guy “Rascal” and try to keep everybody straight in my head. Guess the world wasn’t so easy before the infected, anyways” he reflected, leaning against the empty bookshelf behind him. “Lots of poverty, hurtin’ people, questions. Governments that don’t know what they’re doing. People’ll do just about anything to get what they need” he nodded, as though convincing himself.

You cocked one eyebrow, skimming through the book and arriving at chapter six. “Have you…already experienced the…crime part of crime and punishment?” hesitant to give away important details but secretly desperate to enjoy a conversation with another adult.

“Yeah, just reached…uh, just reached the murder when you walked in. Mighta had me a little jumpy” he admitted, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing at his sternum, as he shifted in place. You pursed your lips thoughtfully, trying to judge his conflicted expression. Nothing about this world seemed very easy when fighting for your very survival.

“Maybe that Playboy is a little more up your alley?” you jested, attempting to change the subject, but Joel seemed lost in his own train of thought.

“Rascal’s got me hooked. I didn’t really think he’d do it. I mean…I know he was desperate, but it doesn’t make much sense.” Joel paused with a weightiness, his body sagging under the reality, “I guess dyin’ never does” he finished quickly, still lost in a world unknown to you, but steadily and magnetically pulling you in. Joel wasn’t bombastic, but his words held an enigmatic depth of feeling. You took an indulgent moment to really look at his bearing, studying his labrythine expression and admiring his broad stature. This man was built for survival, and just the type of individual the commune needed. You just hadn’t realized there was a beating heart and an inquisitive mind underneath all that…plaid. Resting your elbow on the armchair and propping your head against the palm of your hand you began to feel more optimistically purposeful than you had in a long time.

“I’m going to help you” you declared, rising to your feet as the tabby scampered away huffily.

“Don’t need any help” Joel observed, placing his hands definitively on the front desk, his lips a tight line of resistance.

“Okay, ‘Rascal’ I think we both know that’s not true” you tossed the book jovially in the air as Joel caught it anxiously, and drawing it to his chest like the rarity it was. “Do you usually place your copies of Playboy alongside ‘War and Peace’?” you joked, broadly gesturing with your hand to the developing book shop.

“Huh?” Joel quirked, suddenly turning a brighter shade of red and pulling the book behind him conspiratorially. “I don’t read that stuff…” he murmured, placing the book hurriedly under the counter as though afraid you might snatch it from his grasp once again.

“Oh maybe you should, Miller, I hear they have really good ‘articles’” you chided, as Joel froze in place before huffing out a relieved breath.

“Yeah, I’ll do that” he rolled his eyes adolescently, suddenly unsure of where to place his hands and finally settling on returning them to his hips. “What kind of help? You’re not expecting…uh…payment of some kind?’ he immediately interrogated, a thread of incredulity lacing his tone.

“Trust me, being around…here…is payment enough. It’s been ages since I talked about anything besides arithmetic and agriculture” you moped, silently wondering what other discoveries awaited your probing eyes, and you weren’t just curious about the literature. Maybe you can’t judge a book by its cover, you surmised, steadily becoming more and more intrigued with the plaid-snuggled figure before you. Call it good teacher research. Yeah, research, you reasoned, already planning your next curriculum expansion with the help of Joel’s library. A world of possibilities was stretching out before you, if Joel were amenable to the newfound friendship.

“I can’t pay you” Joel repeated stubbornly as the cat leapt onto the front desk, stretching itself languidly. 

“Do I look like I need a W-2 form, Miller? Hanging out with you is payment enough…” you let slip before biting down on your lower lip with embarrassment. Whoops. Cats out of the bag. Joel’s expression brightened for just a millisecond before shifting back to its original mask of stoicism. Sauntering around the front desk with purpose he poised in front of you, arms folded securely across his broad chest, before extending a decisive hand.

“You’ve got a deal” he waited, before you excitedly grasped his hand in agreement, your small fingers completely enveloped in his vice-like grip. Shaking one another’s hands for an extended period of time, the tabby meowed non-plussed as you nearly lost yourself in Joel’s steely stare. Breaking the silence you both took a step back, looking down at the ground awkwardly.

“What’s the c-cat’s name?” you stuttered, unsure of how to proceed next, as Joel turned around, poking the cat teasingly.  The orange tabby swatted a small paw at Joel’s larger one, wrapping itself around his wrist and biting at the flannel edges.

“Don’t know. Just call him ‘cat’ for now.” Joel grunted, tilting his head to the side. You didn’t really believe in love at first sight, but then again the books might be warping your perception of reality.

“Well, I’m thinking ‘Rascal’ is a good option if you’re taking votes” you suggested, stuffing your hands in the back pockets of your jeans, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Noted” Joel smirked, holding your gaze pointedly until you felt your cheeks redden with the unexpected attention. 

“Alright, I’ll just go, but I’ll be back tomorrow to collect your homework assignment” you teased, stifling the desire to kick his foot playfully, and opting to turn on your heel to make a quick exit.

“Homework?” Joel’s voice echoed after you as you flung the door open to the bitter cold.

“Yeah, tell that ‘Rascal’ to get to work! I want to hear all about the murder and Dostoyevsky’s thematic approach to crime, self-punishment and the purpose of suffering!” you melodically announced as the sounds of mainstream wafted in to the otherwise silent bookstore. The orange tabby pranced towards the back room, seemingly offended by the winter bluster.

“Not sure cats know much about Dostoyevsky” Joel answered, leaning on the front desk and taking a quick glance at your receding figure.

“No worries. He might not know much about Dostoyevsky, but even a cat knows something about suffering” you chided, watching a flicker of darkness shade Joel’s countenance before it immediately disappeared. “Catch you tomorrow, Miller!” you bantered, closing the door behind you, and accompanied by the characteristic shop bell upon exit.

Bracing yourself against the onslaught of frigidity, you somehow felt inwardly warmed by the unexpected friendship, and curiosity of a new project. Perhaps this holiday season held more than just obligation or solitude. Against your better judgement you turned back to gaze at the storefront, seeing Joel’s silhouette, unchanged, leaning against the mahogany counter and looking fixedly in your direction. Damn. So much for nonchalance, you scoffed, secretly counting the minutes until your literary reunion and enjoying the satisfying crunch of collected snowfall beneath your booted feet.

Pedge's Fave 2024 Things A Year of 1sts

@jolapeno Started a lovely end of the year wrap on some of our artistic contributions, and I want to play too! I mentor other artists, but I still have a hard time showcasing myself. Sometimes the whole thing feels so juvenile (#selfjudgement). But I get so much out of the writing process, and one of the big things I've been learning lately is the enjoyment of Love, that comes without entitlement or possession. Just experience :) So here it is! My first writing year on Tumblr, some of the projects that healed me, and the writers who inspired them. Let's keep expressin'! Baby's first...

Get to Know Me! (started writing so many fics I had to organize!) Make Your Own Kind of Music (fanart for The Unbearable Weight...) Pike's Place (we really popped the cherry on this one...1st collab.. 1st series, 1st trope challenge, 1st Christmas, 1st trailer...final episode New Year's Day, thanks @inept-the-magnificent) @burntheedges Summer Camp (Pedro Scouts was the bomb. These were my first Tumblr activities and I learned a ton...) @goodwithcheese My Darling Muse (Dieter Bravo combines art and poetry with his personal assistant, J...sparks ensue ) temporary hiatus...D is in rehab...again Over-Protective Mom (Bitmoji Mood Board) Afterglow Series (intimacy w/ Pike, Javi, Pena...who's next?) Pedge's Jukebox (writing inspo. for other writers, short fics about Pedro characters + music) Blood Sucking Witch (getting dark w/ Max Phillips for Halloween...) Unmasked (Christmas Disaster! w/ Din Djarin) @beefrobeefcal Thanksgiving Delights (praise kink w/ hubby Marcus Moreno) Pedge's Bookshop (Last of Us Canon, Joel and J deconstruct "Crime and Punishment"...with smut lol) Dead Dove December (SH and ideation w/ Joel, mature) @romana-after-dark

Pedge approves :)

PedgesJukebox

I think we're done with this trend, but Pedge and I still like it, and invite you to check out Pedge's Jukebox when you you get a chance!

I love combining reality with fantasy, and while I'm sure this isn't a new Tumblr concept, I'm going to be cataloguing our Pedro Boys as per Pedge's suggestions! All playlists will attempt to utilize music or groups that Pedro Pascal has referenced at some point. Get your headphones and enjoy! I also am secretly hoping writers might utilize this playlists for inspiration. I can't write with music in the background, but some people can. Every Spotify list comes with it's own triggers and literary short for our favorite characters interaction with the arts...

Series Masterlist

PedgesBookshop

We're open for business! Joel doesn't seem to know that yet, but stop in the foyer to grab an iced latte before sitting in the spacious chairs and cozying up to our local orange tabby, Rascal. Highly recommend reading "Crime and Punishment" to start, as recommended by PP himself. Pedge is excited for the ongoing literary discord...and possible smooching at Pedge's Bookshop!

Series Masterlist

*featuring art from Franz Marc

Pedge's Bookshop Series Masterlist

Foyer: There are already so many great AU fics featuring all our favorite Pedro Boys and I'd like to showcase them! In the Coffee Shop Foyer you'll find some great rec's for coffee and books alike. Bring your library card--this if one of my favorite tropes!

Bookshop: We started this series with Joel as our bookshop owner. Reading several of Pedro Pascal's book recommendations, the bookshop continues to get more material; join in on the fun!

Crime and Punishment (with Joel Miller)

Crime and Punishment; Prologue Crime and Punishment; The Murder Crime and Punishment; The Family Crime and Punishment; The Argument Crime and Punishment; The Lecture Crime and Punishment; The Visitor Crime and Punishment; The Dinner Crime and Punishment; The Calm Crime and Punishments; Before Crime and Punishment; The Storm Crime and Punishment; The Patrol Crime and Punishment; The Wound Crime and Punishment; The Confession Crime and Punishment; The Epilogue

Novellas:

Crime and Punishment Fic-Let Crime and Punishment; The Dream Crime and Punishment; The Talk Bookstore IG

What Happened to Belen? (with Javier Pena)

Part One Part Two

In Cold Blood (with Tim Rockford)

In Cold Blood: The Exposition In Cold Blood; The Road Trip In Cold Blood; The Funeral

WIP Book Nook: There are so many amazing rec's from Pedro that I'd love to unpack! Here are some possibilities on the horizon. What fics do you want to see?

The Urge; Our History of Addiction w/ Dieter Bravo Franny and Zooey w/ Mr. Ben The Gender of Sound w/ Pedge Drive Your Plow...w/ Tim Rockford

Audible Original; The Reservoir

Ghost Radio

WIP Wednesday Pedge's Bookshop

We are going to begin "Pedge's Book Shop" which features Bookstore AU and a discussion of all things....literary. Looks like Joel is our grumpy shopkeeper!

Dead Dove December: The Deepest Cut

Thanks @romana-after-dark for the cool event! Pedge is feeling dark this December and wants to join in on the fun! Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, or DDDNE has its origins from a meme referencing "Arrested Development". The character Michael Bluth opens a paper bag labeled "DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT" and, upon discovering that there is a dead dove inside the bag, says, deadpan, "I don't know what I expected." - fanlore.org

Triggers: Ideation, SH, little smut, spiritual concepts, profanity, PTSD, reference to scars/violence/gun/death, post-apocalyptic world with Joel, implied domme, nakedness, anxiety attack, hurt/care trope...truthfully, we just gotta get through some sh@t before we get to the light...

@toomanystoriessolittletime has a great prompt, "He lifted your chin with two fingers brushing the tears from your cheek asking, 'Who did this to you?' trembling with a nearly feral rage". I wanted to turn it on its head a bit...

The end of the world was filled with so much more Love than you were anticipating. Not the frilly, inconsequential or meandering love of your youth. A darker, deeper, more translucent death than you had ever imagined. And with it, so many other endings had begun to rebirth themselves into a new hesitant light. Joel was the prism through which you had started viewing yourself, and with that blurry and enigmatic nuance your personhood had begun to focus. Within those shadows a burning ember of your own light had re-emerged, not in contrast, but in intimate synergy. You just didn’t understand any of it.  

Gazing down at your body in the sudsy film of a long awaited bath, your fingertips feathered over the many scars covering your body. Pre-apocalypse had afforded you the luxury of only interacting with your body as an instrument. As circumstances plodded along in repetitious doldrum, your emotional life cascaded in opposition. In the internal landscape of emotional chaos, self harm was the treasure that afforded the illusion of control. A sort of subterranean analgesic. You never really understood it, but sacredly knew it by name. It was dark, lush and seductive and it was yours. A way to announce, if to no one other than yourself; this body is mine. MINE. I hurt her as I please. You will not break me, if I constantly break and rebuild myself.

And then…the end. In one searing moment your life had been plunged into an apocalyptic quest for survival. All of sudden, you weren’t the only one bent on your self-destruction, and within you something had begun to solidify. A raging desire. A longing. A yearning…for life. It was like a molten lava, primal and ancient and even more delightedly terrifying than whatever small deaths you had previously endured. And it was all yours. 

Until Joel. He was the flame that seemed to replenish the oxygen within you. Within Joel seethed a depth of suffering and even depravity that graced the periphery of his existence, seemingly holding hands with yours. There was an animalistic magnetism that transcended words, and it crackled in the atmosphere the more you experienced him. That had been five years ago, and since that time, Joel had tenderly invaded every territory you had previously partitioned off, even to yourself. Circumstances might now rage out of control, but your inner demons had begun to quiet in relative submission. Because of Joel.

You couldn’t remember the last time the word relaxation had permeated your consciousness. But it had incrementally, and in sloth-like fashion begun to wrap its lazy tentacles around your pulsing heart. A home (beat). A bathtub (beat). A book (beat). A community of support (beat) And Joel (beat). But could you accept what had so long eluded you in the past? Could light and dark exist in the same space? Could you somehow let it wash over you, rather than attempting to contain it? 

Joel had never pushed the conversation. Already a man of few words, both of you were covered in enough physical and emotional scars to last a lifetime. But you had caught more than a few concerned glances, as his hands delicately fingered the unique patterned scars littering your forearms and quads. Different, but the same. And now, after so many years of evolution, you wondered if this new end was on the horizon. A way to finally say goodbye, not to life, but to death. Your eyes flickered to the small pocket knife you had laid on the bathtub rim. Your pupils were blown wide with anticipation and lust, biting at your lower lip in frenzied tumult. The darkest part of your self that you wanted to submerge into oblivion, trembled on the brink of acknowledgement. If death had been your former lover, couldn’t you impale it on itself? Couldn’t you once again, ask death to die?

You flicked the pocket knife open lazily, feigning nonchalance and gazing at your forearms appraisingly. You felt like an alcoholic, considering that final drink. Not much new territory to explore, you chastised yourself, remembering routines of long ago. Not too low, don’t nick a vein. Not too deep, to avoid suspicion. Symmetrical for the aesthetic. Your breath hitched in your throat momentarily, paralyzed with years of abstinence. Were you really going to do this again, after so many years of control? Self harm was never really about punishment or death at all, but even control had its limits. You needed to know if you had finally stepped into an existence that could include someone else; with intimacy and freedom. A darkness that understood your own, and cancelled one another out. You had given your body to Joel more times than you could count, but could you really give something you un-assuredly possessed? Biting down on your lip you made a quick, skilled cut to your upper arm, feather light and barely pricking the surface.

You held your breath awaiting the numbing relief or the conflicted tears of release, but found a joyful, humming laughter emanating from your sternum instead. Nothing. You dropped the pocket knife to the floor, gazing at the lone bead of blood dripping slowly down your forearm and licking it away tenderly. No. You didn’t want this anymore. You didn’t need it. It hurt. It actually hurt, you smiled. You could experience the scars you already had, without generating new ones. They were ALL yours. Your own story carved into the recesses of your heart, and sharing them with Joel had been the best decision you ever made. You reached over for a washcloth, pressing it firmly to your arm, the flow of blood already stopping. No more. A death to death itself. Only life remained, and it blazed in bright red as a testament to your new covenant of self. A life that included Joel. Holding your arm aloft you dropped the washcloth to the ground, content with your small victory and submerging your face and body in the warm water. Never again. Only life.

Joel tiredly crossed the threshold of your shared home, kicking his boots to the side. No point in dragging mud into the house. It had been an uneventful patrol, and he had spent the entirety of the day thinking about you. Smelling your sweet fragrance. Kneading your plush skin. Basking in the glow of your loving gaze. I’m gettin’ soft in my old age, he reasoned, somehow happy for the unexpected transition.

“Darlin’?” his deep voice bounced off the cavernous living room which was strangely quiet. You usually had already prepared dinner and Joel licked his lips with anticipation. No matter. He WAS home early. He lumbered up the stairs, achingly slowly and rubbing at his lower back. He could use a bath. He caught sight of the sliver of light piercing the upstairs darkness from the bathroom. Caught ya. Joel knocked tentatively on the door, nudging it open hesitantly.

Joel’s stomach dropped with a sickening fervor, quickly taking in the myriad of sights. Knife. Blood. Washcloth. You. You. You. He nearly wretched, dropping to his knees, immediately ignoring every ache in his body, grasping you around the waist and neck and pulling you abruptly from the languid womb of sudsy water. Your eyes flew open in surprise, splashing water and soap sloppily over the rim of the bathtub and dousing Joel’s flannel and jeans.

“J-Joel!…” you sputtered helplessly, looking into his face that was stained with pain, betrayal and confusion.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YA DOIN’????!!!!” Joel nearly screamed, his eyes a dark black of terror and misunderstanding, roughly running his hands over the totality of your body looking for bruises and lacerations and finding none.

“Oh God, honey I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” you sobbed immediately, grasping at the forearms of his flannel and wiping the soap suds out of your eyes. “This….this is NOT what it looks like…” you hiccuped, eyes darting wildly to his face, taking any purchase of him you could find. You were gripping fiercely at his neck, his face, his arms, his chest. If you could explain, if you just had a moment to explain…

Joel paused as a feverish cry escaped his lips unbidden, smashing your body roughly against his chest and collapsing on the floor in a heap beside the tub. He was rocking you silently like a small child, so you let your body hang loosely over the tub, against him for what felt like an eternity. Your skin began to prune and goose-bump, but you held your breath timidly, willing Joel to understand. You would MAKE him understand. You bit back your own sobs thinking on Sarah….Ellie….the gun. You had NEVER intended him to see you like this. Things finally quieted down as the water sloshed coldly against your knees. Feeling your light shivers, Joel pulled back slightly gazing into your eyes fixedly and drawing his fingers across your forehead. Circling his thumbs at your whitened complexion, he lifted your chin with two fingers brushing the tears from your cheek.

“Who did this to you?” Joel asked, trembling with a nearly feral rage, willing the answer to be different than his expectation.

“M-me” you whispered, furrowing your brow with intensity, terrified at Joel’s next reaction. You felt like you were negotiating with a wounded animal. Watching Joel’s body sag with exhaustion he released you slightly to drag his hand over his face in confusion. He closed his eyes, willing himself to breathe slowly, his thumb grazing the light pinkish mark on your upper arm.

“How m’I gonna protect you from yourself?” his voice cracked in defeat, turning his head away from you in pent up anger. Anger at his helplessness. Anger at you, FOR you, WITH you…he couldn’t steel himself against the barrage.

“You don’t have to” you sat up on your knees, cooling water now cascading over the lip of the bathtub and taking his face in your hands, scratching at his patchy beard. “Let me explain…”

“Do you wanna die?” Joel pleaded, absentmindedly scratching at the scar on his own temple and feeling that familiar tightening sensation in his chest. No. Not another panic attack. Not now. He desperately needed to understand. He needed an enemy to fight.

“Joel…” you took his hand in your own drawing it to your chest and gripping the back of his neck with the other. “I’m. NOT. Going. Anywhere…” you pressed your forehead to his, breathing intently and fixedly slowing his. Joel took a deep shuddering breath, grateful for a chance. A second chance. A chance to catch his breath and LIVE, with you, even just for one more moment.

A few minutes passed before Joel tentatively asked, “Is it me?”

You pulled back, your eyes widening in distress. HOW could you possibly answer that question? Was it him? Well, of course it was him. HE was your continued reason for life, you just desperately wanted to add yourself to the equation. Seeing Joel’s love for you, had only inspired your own. Not to live just for the purpose of someone else but for YOU. For Love itself.

“It’s ME, honey. I’m the reason. I’m saving myself…” you swallowed dryly, unsure how to articulate the answer that had eluded you for so long, and desperately hoping that Joel could somehow divine what you meant. You needed him, even more than before. And now you felt you could bring your whole self to the relationship. Everything dark would draw out the light, and Joel might be the only person who could truly understand that.

He looked at you intently, searching for any hesitancy, and finding none. “You’re not trying to kill yourself?” his eyes hovered about your face appraisingly.

“No” you smiled tenderly, feeling the emotional tides begin to shift.

“Are you going to…do this again?” he asked, a pained expression flashing across his face darkly.

“Absolutely not. Never again” your whole self finally answering back. Joel waited. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. He knew he could trust you, but his heart was still thumping dully in his chest. “I swear” you nodded, lacing your fingers through the graying tendrils of his hair. Joel finally closed his eyes in relief, slumping against the bathroom wall. You sighed heavily, shaking your head in amazement. This wasn’t the triumphant moment of victory you had planned, but the end of the world had been so much more unexpected than you predicted. Now Joel knew everything, and you were still in one piece. Love had prevailed. Bumpily. Messily. Painfully. But prevailing nonetheless. You stood up shakily, happy to emerge from the cooling soap suds, a new version of yourself. Towering precariously and dripping on the wooden floor, you kicked Joel’s foot good-naturedly.

Joel squinted up at you, finally relaxing into a tender smile, admiring your dripping form. “Help me up, darlin’” he almost teased, hooking his hand around the back of your knee and beginning to prop himself against the wall. You smirked, attempting to hoist Joel’s broad figure without slipping and sliding as he rested his hands loosely on the curvature of your backside, drawing you to him securely. “You’re all wet…” he intoned, swaying from side to side and reaching behind him for a towel, drawing it comfortingly around you. “Tell me more…” he whispered quietly, stroking your cheek. How could you articulate what you were only beginning to understand yourself?

“I didn’t really…accept myself before…” you haltingly began, looking into Joel’s penetrative eyes and shivering. He gripped you tightly, tucking you further still into the warmth of the towel and his body heat. “But after…the fall…it helped me to regain the sense of balance I needed.  Losing control helped me to find my own. It’s like my survival instinct finally kicked into gear…”.

He held your gaze, nodding his head once in determination. He trusted you, the way you trusted him, and nothing was going to break that. You rested your head on his chest delicately, mumbling into his sternum. “What do you want for dinner?” you sighed, planting feather-light kisses between flannel buttons and drawing away timidly.

“You know what I want” Joel smirked, the oft repeated joke tantalizing his lips, which he hungrily licked. You blushed with immediate acknowledgement, happy to be enjoying your easy rapport once again. “What do YOU want?” he countered, pinching your lower lip between two calloused fingers. You furrowed your brow in consternation, perplexed at his meaning. You didn't want for ANYTHING. You finally had it. You had each other.

“What if I could give it to you?” he ventured, pursing his lips mischievously. 

“Give me what?” you questioned, curiosity peaked.

“Control”. 

A gasp quivered in your throat as arousal pulsed between your legs heatedly. “What?”

“You heard me. I can give you control…” he swallowed dryly starting to walk you backwards to the bedroom.

“Joel…” you didn’t get out any more words before he smashed his lips to yours roughly, kicking the door shut behind him.

*Resources for Anyone Struggling

Pedge Tweets!

Thanks @inept-the-magnificent for the tag, I've been wanting to do some Instagram worthy characters for a while! I might occasionally incorporate real tweets or photos, but it's mostly just me....and Pedge...

PedgeIsPunk PikesPlace MyDarlingMuse AfterglowSeries PedgesBookshop PedgesJukebox NewYorkNewYork PinkiePiePedge PedgesCinema

Here's the template to try yourself!

Final Family Dinner!

This has been a glorious Thanksgiving Season, punctuated by "The Uninvited", "Gladiator 2" and PEDRO PASCAL! We have MUCH to be grateful for! Enjoy your snacks for our final Pedro's Holiday Feast, and don't forget to drop by our past dinners if you want seconds! Smut abounds, so minors, stay at the kids table please....

Appetizer

@dornish-queen has done it again!

Entree

"Thanksgiving Delights" @pedges-world

Charcuterie Board

"Pedro Lisa and the Turkey" @dornish-queen

Dessert

"Peach and Apple Pie" @pedges-world

Amuse Bouche

@pedges-world

Thanks to everyone who participated this season! I hope, whatever you are doing for the holidays, it involves as much gratitude and smut as possible. Pedge loves you! And so do I :)

*thanks @bernardsbendystraws for the cool dividers!

Pedro's Holiday Feast Family Dinner #2

Hey folks! Welcome to our second Family Dinner! I can't believe Thanksgiving is next week, but don't forget to keep tagging @pedges-world and #pedrosholidayfeast for all of your yummy treats! Let the feasting continue!

Appetizer

This is my first Thanksgiving on Tumblr, but shoutout to @dornish-queen for this fun Fall Artwork. I personally will forever envision the traditional holiday with this new vibe...

Entree

Check out this fun Fall Mini-Series with a special Thanksgiving Episode by @corazondebeskar-reads!

Dessert

I couldn't help myself, and assembled a special Thanksgiving Mood Board :)

Amuse-Bouche

@dornish-queen Has done it again! Pedge...I think...they're behind you...A little something for the road...

*thanks @bernardsbendystraws for the cool dividers!

In case anyone is still hungry, double back for seconds at our First Family Dinner, and join us next week for a special Thanksgiving Reveal! Happy Feasting!

Hey beauties, you are officially invited to "Pedro's Holiday Feast" for the month of November! Every Sunday we will sit down for a family dinner, enjoying the cornucopia. Things to be grateful for--

First Family Dinner

Second Family Dinner

Final Family Dinner

Thanksgiving Day Reveal!: Pike's Place; Love Actually

*thanks @bernardsbendystraws for the cool dividers!

Joel's Jives

I love combining reality with fantasy, and while I'm sure this isn't a new Tumblr concept, I'm going to be cataloguing our Pedro Boys as per Pedge's suggestions with literary shorts! All playlists will attempt to utilize music or groups that Pedro Pascal has referenced at some point. Get your headphones and enjoy!

Triggers: music may involve profanity and adult topics, short description of character's interactions with music, smut

Pedge's Jukebox

Joel's Jives: Spotify

*Joel who only operates on two functions; dead silence or radio music *Joel who can finally relax when good music is playing; mind stilled *Won’t admit to enjoying country music, but secretly does *Often can be found humming under his breath while cooking or stoking the fire, but denies it when you question him *Knows all of the words to “Long, Long Time” by Linda Rondstadt *Only a handful of people know that Joel can play the guitar. You’re one of them. *The only time you get to hear him play the guitar is out on the porch, through the screen door. If you join him outside, he will immediately stop and start asking you about your day *As a teenager would fantasize about touring as a guitarist, always on the road *Doesn’t really like the sound of his own voice, but will sing pockets of phrases to figure out the chords *Was planning on gifting Sarah tickets to “Black-Eyed Peas” until the outbreak occurred *Used to enjoy making love to music, but now it just makes him too sad

*thanks @strangergraphics-archive for the cool dividers!

My Darling Muse (vi),

Dieter is in LOVE. He's just not sure if he's met them yet. But in the interim, he's keeping a journal to house all of his inspiration, poetry and recipes, before they fly out of his head. And once he meets the ONE...or ONES...this is going to be his gift to you. Along with those sexy time IOU's he's always handing out...

Trigger: it's Dieter bub so this series will DEFINITELY include profanity, drugs, alcohol, sex, smut and any meanderings D wants...He's endlessly inspired by art, poetry, songs, sex and YOU!

Series Masterlist

MY DARLING MUSE,

WHO AM I WITHOUT YOU, IN THIS VAST JUNGLE OF EXISTENCE? AM I THE SUPPLE FEMININE, NAKED AND UNAFRAID? AM I THE WILD OF THE UNKNOWN? WATCHING AND WAITING TO POUNCE? AM I HUNTER OR PREY? DO I WATCH OR AM I OBSERVED? DO I LANGUISH IN WAIT? TREMBLING FOR YOUR CAPTIVITY? OR DO I STALK YOU IN THE FOREST OF FOREVER? CAST YOUR NET OVER ME ENTRAP ME WITH YOUR WILES ENSNARE ME WITH YOUR HOOK OF DESIRE SINK YOUR CARNIVOROUS TEETH OF PASSION SUCK THE MARROW DRY CHEW ON THE BONES OF MY YEARNING DEFLOWER ME IN THE FOREST LIKE A LION, RIP MY WILLING HEART TO PIECES FOR I AM AN ENDANGERED SPECIES AND AM ONLY PRESERVED BY THE CAPTURE OF YOUR HEART IMPRISONED AND LIBERATED FOR EVERY ANIMALISTIC LONGING

*listed in the margins: Baby goats; defense in the wild? Do insects mate for life? Which animals are bi? Research Luxury Jungle Retreat, Is Ayahuasca grown locally? Is that couch available at Ikea?

Hey folks! This is J, Dieter's PA. Dieter has gone animalistic this week, and is exploring all things Jungl-ian, including Zodiac Signs. One of his favorite pieces is Rousseau's Jungle Series which he has taken to paint in the hallways, with his own...questionable additions. His good friend and fellow actor Pedro Pascal has also recommended the Nobel Prize winning novel "Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead" by Olga Tokarczuk. He is currently determined to appear in the live action movie...as a deer, and has invested in a home salt-lick. I for one, have experienced some of the benefits of this devolution into his more base animalistic tendencies, and I have no complaints. Yes, D I will come lie with you on the bear skin rug and tap into our inner beast. Sorry folks, I gotta go...I've managed to stymie his purchase of the local alpaca farm, but I'm not sure how long that will hold. Wish me luck....

*Rousseau classic with unfortunate additions by Dieter

*thank you @thecutestgrotto for the cool dividers!