Journal Entry - Blog Posts
Letter #6
"You really hurt me." Fuck, I wish I could say that to you. I want to tell you "I wished you were better" And hear you say "I'm sorry." like you mean it. My love of you is a laceration across my chest Visible to everyone who meets me, Stinging at every change of the winds. It likes to bleed out at night. The kitchen sink is stacking higher, Soon the laundry pile will join. Sometimes I still see your ghost in the mirror, Staring back at me with empty eyes. I guess I'm in another one of my rutts again It just all feels so pretentious and aimless "You really hurt me, but I hurt me more." The truth is a harder pill to swallow.
Date Written: 10th of August, 2023
Letter #5
The sharpness traces Gentle and cold Pressure brings warmth, a gasp Purely pleasurable relief Muscles forced into stiffening All while melting to belief "Red is the colour of passion" I tell myself as it trickles down my side Where engravings sing of promises Living life, finally feeling satisfied Guilty yet remorseless "What petal has yet to fall?" So sickly sweet, but is no treat Just a sucker left to crawl
Date Written: 7th of August, 2023
Letter #4
It rained in my head for years But look at all the flowers that bloomed from it As they grew I thought of us Our resilience created such beauty Now, as they come to wilt I find myself thinking solely of you
Date Written: 7th of August, 2023
Letter #3
You're a toxin, a poison built to dissolve the lives of everyone you touch with that deformity of an organ you call a heart. Avert your gaze and ignore your texts, decline any sense of desperation you use to cling to those who're above your station. A lowly imperfection so intent on infecting any mercy you're shown, what wilting flower wouldn't weep given the chance to witness such a pathetic display of insecurities. Be grateful you are not yet eradicated, For time and the likes of you do not cross kindly. A childish fool, you were never worthy of humanity. To: Myself "With love - whatever that means."
Date Written: 6th of August, 2023 Words I had written to myself after a mental lapse.
Self-inflicted guilt laces my lungs with tar, it gets so hard to breathe. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this weight in their chests all the time, heavy with doubts and hesitations. I'm sure even the most put together people have things that bring them down when it gets quiet, which is sad to think about. All beauty needs to be broken before it blooms, but wouldn't it be lovely to simply indulge in peace for once? To quell the heartbreak inside is something special, I can only hope I may one day join the people who have found their rest from all of the emotional aches. Idk, i'm tired. it's all a lot.
On 1/14/25 I wrote:
I run from my problems. I run and I run and I run and I never stop. And yet my legs never move. My arms never lift. I run away so far and yet I dont move a muscle. I block out my brain from my body, my body from the world, and I try not to exist. As I like to think that I would do anything to want to exist, all I really do is try not to exist. I say I want to feel better. I say I want to be able to trust myself, to love myself, and yet I work so hard in the opposite direction. I try so hard not to exist and I am constantly convincing myself I am trying to achieve the opposite. I want nothing other than to create and yet I never create. Because deep down truly, a part of me knows that I will never create all that I want and maybe, I never wanted to create in the first place.
On 5/12/25 I write:
I wanted to create today and I did. Today deep down and truly a part of myself knew I wanted to create all along. I stopped trying so hard to exist and I achieved the opposite, I existed and I created. I loved myself and I ran to that love. Amongst the blocks and the problems and the troubles I moved a muscle and I ran and I ran and I ran. I didn't even realize I was running but I was. I was running towards joy, existence and creation. And it is something quite beautiful.
episode one of me posting polcos i made months ago because i haven't deco-ed in a very long time 🤠
another one of my insta reposts <3