If I may also give a recommendation for sources; the SCP Foundation, and a bunch of its canons, have a ton of 'doomed timeline' stories. I am specifically more versed in the Church of the Broken God and Sarkicism groups of interests, but I would also recommend looking into the O5 Council as what you have described may align more with them.
-@sssssaarn
I apologize for the late reply, I wanted to take a proper amount of time answering this one because truth be told, I had a bit of SCP phase back in the early 2010s, and of course I happened to take a peek into the fandom once again when liminal space aesthetics and ‘The Backrooms’ rose to prominence. I remember back yesteryear, how my peers would all sit around one kid while they played the game and desperately wishing for that kind of kinship, but I digress. There is something that certainly allures me about the SCP fandom as a whole. The aesthetic, but also the anomaly classification system.The idea of bringing order to something so naturally chaotic really intrigues me. All you need to do is just look at one symbol in the classification system and you immediately know what source material you’re interacting with.. Thank you for the recommendation, I certainly will consider it.
the magnus archives?
Hello anomalous speaker from the void, I appreciate you reaching out to me as a guiding light. I actually have had this source recommended to me before by someone, so I will certainly take note of it, and look into the content at a later date. I have the time now, seeing as I'm not allowed back into work until I've recovered..
This post is an update to where I have been for the last 2 weeks. I plan to write everything that I experienced, everything I heard, everything I saw– in excruciating detail for me. For my own peace of mind, so if you are perturbed by talk related to medical emergencies or long winded explanations about things as trivial as my feelings, then feel free to turn away. I won’t fault you for it, but this post is going up all the same, because I feel like this moment in my life meant something. It had to.
So, what happened? I'm just going to rip the bandage off and say, I had a cardiac event at work, and had to be taken away in an ambulance. I don't like having to share this because I feel like I always have something dramatic happening in this disaster of a life I've built for myself. I thought moving from my hometown and getting a medical degree was supposed to make my life more stable, but the groundwork I've created is crumbling around me, and the fall from grace started with a workplace argument. “I don't get why you don't trust us, we have been so nice to you, and yet you keep pulling this shit-”
“Look, I can't just turn trust on like a switch, Larry. If I could, I would just to get you off my back but don't sit there and lie to me. I know you all have been talking about me in secret. What was it about? Is it because of what I said about the freezer room? Is it- oh my god, did you find out why I left my last job?” I panicked, but the look on Larry's face told me that it was not information he was privy to… yet. “I do not think it's a coincidence that you all suddenly fall silent the second I enter the room. So am I just being paranoid or do you have something you want to tell me?”
“You're just being paranoid!!” He throws his hands up with his shouted exclamation, several people glance over at us. “Look, dude… Okay, we have talked a little bit but only because we're worried about you!” I raised an eyebrow of disbelief. “Seriously? After we invited you out to grab drinks with us, you still don't think we're friends?”
“I…don't know what I think.”
I could feel the tension rising up in the back of my throat, like bile. Everything in the room pulsed as I took in a shaking breath, but Larry just pushed on. “Why are you so damn negative? I just don't get it, man. You know when you aren't going on about how the world is awful, you're actually fun to talk to-”
“Listen, bad always happen to me- I'm just reporting the facts,”
“This is exactly what I'm talking about-! Nobody is out to get you! I like you, Julius! I like you!” and I tried to say something in rebuttal but… I threw up right there at the table with no warning…and it was pure black, the texture gelatinous and bitter. I thought about how someone had told me once that black vomit is a tell towards a serious health issue and that you are close to death- and I know that's because of the coffee ground appearance of vomit during a gastrointestinal bleed, I know that, okay? I could tell that wasn't what this was because it was downright acrylic looking in consistency, but it was too late, the fear that I was dying was already firmly planted in my head. I could feel the prickle of eyes on me, making me feel even more panicked. “Oh shoot, let me go get some paper towels,” Larry said, but Gilbert was already making strides over to the paper towel roll on the counter in the breakroom. My head was swimming, and my shoulder began to throb so hard that it trailed up the side of my neck and that just freaked me out even more.That must've been when I lost consciousness, because I don't really recall much afterwards. I think Larry might've tried to coax me out of my seat, saying; “Okay, let's get you sitting on the ground before you pass out.”but besides that, it's a blur. All I wanted was to stand up and shake it off, and show them that everything was alright– but it was like I was trying to keep my head above water when the waves were crashing all the same, silencing my cries for help and pulling me under. I fought it the whole way down.
For a painful moment, it was just dark, and the only thing I was conscious of was that feeling where you've been dropped from a great height, that rush of adrenaline in a quick pulsing ’thump!’ and then I was far under the currents of emerald bay. The water was dark and rich, and it overwhelmed all my senses. It was all encompassing, in a terrifying way that made it impossible to tell which direction the surface was. For a second there it was nice because at least this felt constant, you know? It almost felt safe, in a way that was terribly deceptive. 'Thump!' There was something there, under the ocean floor. I couldn't see it, but it was there, its heartbeat shaking the tranquility of death. I could feel it with absolute certainty. It made the sea pulse like a womb, and so I swam down towards the heartbeat that was drumming on, shaking the walls of my soul.
Because it's not fair. I played my whole life by the books. I kept my head down, I worked myself to the bone, and I always followed what was expected of me. I never put myself out there. As I kept kicking my feet, all I could think about was all the hobbies I repressed, all the people I could've kissed, all the things I could've brought into question- it wasn't fair. I wasn't supposed to die like this, never finding the closure I was searching for. I just wanted to understand who I am, I just wanted to know- was that really so awful?
’Thump!’
And there it was, at the bottom of emerald bay, the thing that's haunted me, the explanation of my entire life looking right through me as if I wasn't merely my flesh. One, pulsing eye, flecked with the dark stars of infinite timelines and realities. I spent my whole life feeling lost, like I didn't know who I was, and now it was looking me right in the face like a macabre joke. I thought back to all that time I spent asking people about their experiences, and trying to selfishly fit myself into some space I could belong- the Supernatural kin community, the Madoka Magica kin community, the Mouth Washing kin community especially and it was all because of this thing. This thing I don't even understand. I wanted to, in spite of everything. I almost wanted to laugh at how bad it hurt…and because I have a sense of humor, as I reached out to stab into the pupil with my sharpened fingers, I thought to myself,
“I hope this hurts”
Some things about going into cardiac arrest at 24 years old; I recovered faster than expected. I could've been there for 16, 18 days… but I was only there for 11. Having all that stuff hooked up on me, especially the catheter, was sensory hell and so I made it everyone else's problem that I was feeling so rotten. That being said, I found myself not nearly as emotional about this experience. Surprising as that may be, it all felt sort of surreal. Like it wasn't me laying in that hospital bed but someone completely different. Oh, I hated that more than anything. You know what the real kicker was? They said it was triggered by stress. That I should be more careful when viewing horror content, among other things. Imagine the one thing that brings you joy. Imagine the climax of your absolute euphoria, a high that knocks you away from the woes of reality, your favorite food, your favorite song. Imagine asking a question, and never getting to live to hear the answer, no you've been condemned to ignorance. It was as if they just told me I was going to be living off saltines for the rest of my life. It was like they defanged me. Naturally I dealt with it in my usual healthy coping mechanisms- being an insufferable prick.
Consider this a footnote, but-
The thing that pushed me over the edge in the end is confusing and because I don't understand it, I feel almost embarrassed to admit the amount of pain it doled upon all my senses. It was one of the nurses, the way she smelled. Over all that sterile cleaner and sour dread from the hospital, somehow I could make out notes of chamomile and bergamot as she whisked away with a clipboard in hand, and suddenly I was struggling to keep my composure, because I
Why? Why was this happening? Why was I doing this here, where someone could see me? Sure, no one was in the room but I could feel the prickle of eyes at the back of my neck. I was already in the throes of a nervous breakdown though, I could feel the lump in my throat forming and suddenly I wished I hadn't gone and pushed away anyone who even looked at me kindly.
If I kept going down that train of thought, I'd surely embarrass myself. I mean– it's not as if I've never had a cup of tea before, or had the pleasure of smelling a lit bergamot candle. For some reason, the warmth in it together just knocked the wind out of me. How do you process grief if you don't even know why you're grieving? So I just sat there, swallowing convulsively and thinking about the fact that I built my walls so high, that nobody visited me in this god forsaken hospital over the holidays. ’Well, that's not fair, maybe they visited early when I wasn't conscious and they just got turned away because they weren't family’ I try to tell myself, but deep down I know nobody tried because I really am that unlikable of a person. It's not even something I've learned, it's been like this ever since I was a child. If I just keep telling myself it's all of this is worth it, then maybe one day it will be. I just have to keep clawing at the walls of this existence until I break through.
Hey there, I'm just tossing an idea out. But your memory-vibes personally remind me of the Zero Escape series. Spoilers incoming of course, but I know you don't mind: In the first one, a major character creates situations that do indeed cause a lot of suffering for people she deeply cares about in order to create a timeline where she survives. In the second game, she is revealed to have done something similar, but this time in order to try and save the world (more or less?) but in doing so, damns countless iterations of people she cares about, and herself, to doomed timelines. It's rather bleak. The third game takes place between the first two chronologically, but I have not personally played it.
So, I'm sort of suggesting Akane Kurashiki, but other characters from the series like Sigma, Phi, and Aoi might be worth looking into. Sorry if someone's already brought this game series up- feel free to ignore this if so!
This ... Actually explains a lot of the things I've been feeling as of late. Really-- I can't thank you enough for reaching out, I'll have to look a bit more into the source material, of course. And I'm also sorry for the late reply. I've been in the hospital the last 11 days, and I've just gotten home. (I'm planning to explain everything that happened there more in depth because I had some revelations but I didn't want to be rude and not answer)
I’ve had time to reflect upon my dream, and it has led me to some revelations about my own nature, and what lines I’m willing to cross in order to find the truth I’m so desperately craving. I think that the reason the dream bothered me so much is that I don’t know if I would’ve done differently if I had another chance. I have never been a hero.
I wanted to once, you know–
Even before I had so many wonderful tumblr users trying to help me find my identity, even before I put it out there into the universe with absolute certainty that I was a villain, people have always compared me to the antagonist of the story.
It's a vibe I'm giving or something I'm doing, maybe it's the sins I carry on my back.
I remember reading all these books as a child, and even when I outgrew them and I'd be loathe to admit to what would indefinitely ruin the academic image I have so painstakingly built up around me like a shell- the classic fairytale story always held a special place in my heart.
I would sit there with my eyes scanning over every line, rereading the best parts, the ones that really made you feel like you were there with the protagonist, and I would think,
‘I want to be the hero. I want to save the princess from a tower and defeat the big bad and live happily ever after!’ …but I don't think I'm that. These things that I do, digging into the depths of people’s anxieties, and breathing them in as if it were my own.. I don’t think it’s a noble cause, to tear into other’s fears in hopes of finding my own closure. So I’m not a hero.
People seldom are, it's rare to find that kind of excellence out in the world but even with all the signs pointing that I'm a villain, or a monster, or god forbid a world ender– it is flattering that so many people reached out to me, when my mood has been so low. There is something about hearing about so many wonderful stories of others that keeps me tethered, and for that I'm grateful to all of you. The beauty in your experiences is what makes everything worth it- both your triumph and strife. So please, bare with me. Even if I am a villain.
Hey!! i stumbled across your blog (or you across mine lol) and i wanted to wish you luck on your fictionkin/otherhuman journey!
I’m fictionkin myself but i have a bit of a weird relationship with past memories or lives etc etc so i’m not sure i can help much on that front, but as for your unknown source, could it maybe be Supernatural? I’m a Dean Winchester kin and it sounds like your memories could be pretty parallel to SPN themes???
Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I have heard of the source material, and I won't deny there is a fair bit that lines up. Truth be told, the concept of horrors hiding amongst the mundane monotony of everyday life is something that speaks to my very soul, and the theme of trying to track down said horrors in the first place. I have and probably still will look deeper into it in order to find familiarity.
Does horror and terror mean different things to you? When someone says they "fear" something vs, they are "scared of" something, does it draw up different feelings in response to the word choice?
Fear is the oldest form of entertainment, humans have been telling tales of horror to each other since the dawn of man, and in fact I'm quite sure Ann Radcliffe once said there was a difference between horror and terror but my brain is too muddled to really remember.
I just find it interesting how one word can inspire a completely different feeling than the other, when they basically mean the same thing, and how you can find yourself completely enthralled and head over heels for one while denouncing the other.
Like for me, terror is an ache in your bones and closer to dread. It's something terrible that dawns on you, and weighs you down but horror is energizing. Horror is what breathes cortisol and adrenaline in you and makes you feel alive.
Even more interesting, these two words could mean something completely different to someone else. I wish I knew what other people feel when they see two different words like this example. Like if there's a common consensus on what they feel like and what makes them different and how they compare to how I feel them?
‘Cause I concede, it feels like all the screws in my head are being tightened, and I downright crave the acrid taste of fear on the back of my tongue like a 9v battery. I can't help myself, okay? My will to resist has always been low.
I find the neurobiological response to fear so incredibly intriguing, especially seeing what things affect individuals versus others. There's such a wide variety to choose from- just search up any old list of phobias on the internet and you'll clearly see that.
It’s fundamental, a deeply wired reaction in our bodies, evolved over the history of life as we know it in order to protect organisms against perceived threat to their integrity of existence.
The amygdala and hippocampus are mostly responsible– the hippocampus processing the perceived threat, and the amygdala givinging that adrenaline rush that we all crave so desperately. This high arousal state can be both from fear or excitement. I don't think it's that much of a leap to suggest that fear and excitement are both connected and therefore can both derive satisfaction.
More importantly, fear can actually help aid your memory. This is of course only to a certain extent, as prolonged distress of high quantities can actually lead to memory loss in self protection, but I would like to theorize for a moment that the reason that so many of those that have contacted me so far, have had memories after viewing the more high tension scenes from their source material is because of the stress neurotransmitter norepinephrine, promoting the formation of fear based memories by stimulating inhibitory neurons in the amygdala while we are so engrossed in the content.
The fear feels familiar because it is. It's been living dormant inside you all along. That being said, I would like to inquire about the most distressing moment for you when viewing your own source material? How did it relate to your identity, and did it lead to memories related to said scene afterwards?
And of course, my dms are always open..
You are probably from final destination 5
I actually have quite the memory to share about bridges specifically... But I need more time to explain myself articulately. Your suggestion certainly has not gone unnoticed though
I saw your pinned post about your vague kin feelings! May I suggest Homura Akemi from Madoka Magica?
Hello, mysterious seeker from the void. I actually had not yet considered this character, but I have seen them before online. Honestly it is a wonder why I hadn't looked into the source material more thoroughly as a lot does match up with what I had mentioned in my pinned post; the horror, the theme of the heat death of the universe, the sense of something fantastical being just on the outside of our periphery-- Of course, I don't need to tell you all that. You were the one to suggest it, after all. And of course, I would be lying if I said some of the characteristics of the character you mentioned didn't mirror some of my own mannerisms in day to day life. I'll have to do a bit more research into this one, thank you so much for the lead.
I’ve come to notice something, in my tireless journey to find my place amongst the cosmos. It’s something some of you may have felt before, which is why I have decided to document it here. I have had a number of amazing fictionkin reach out to me over the past couple of days to share with me their memories, their woes, and to impart their wisdom upon me- naturally, I tried to read up on and view nearly all of their sources. It’s my cross to bare, that I’m an overachiever in this regard, and I have no one to blame but myself for this feeling that has come over me.
It’s sort of a fuzzy feeling, like my bones are weightless and I just can’t think straight. It’s not bad, it’s just…odd. My brain feels completely fried, like I can’t convey myself as articulately as I had before. I’ve been ruminating over possibilities for a while, and I wonder if it’s because I’ve been thinking about it too much? And of course, it’s been a long while since I’ve had so much social interaction so it isn’t entirely out of the realm of possibilities that this could just simply be my lack of sociability catching up with me.
hello !!!! mod blue here from the noncanon kin blog :))) i know mod star is going to/already has sent an ask to you as well but i wanted to extend my support as well :)
im big into Horror Media in general so if you Are set on trying to find a source, ill gladly help you out if i can :)) oc kin is Also a very interesting and probable Answer, but i know it can be hard to come to terms with things such as that, especially if you dont Already know people who experience it. ive been identifying and navigating my personal fictionkin experience since i was around 14-16, im 21 now. i understand how confusing and frustrating it can be. i wish you the Best of luck, my friend :) if you’d like to reach out at all, you can message me over at @galactic-inhabitants
much love, my guy <3 i hope you can find some answers <3
You both have been so very kind to me, I don't know how to compensate you for your time but it means a lot. I may just have some questions to ask you, sometime in the near future so consider yourself warned
not sure how to start this right but hi there! im mod star from the non canon kin blog :) i really hope this doesn't sound weird but after reading your ask & your profile i thought you seem really interesting & wanted to share some things in hopes they're useful to you in any way.
from your description & lack of an identified source it made me think you could look into oc kin? i'm kin of one of my own ocs, from a universe i've been creating & expanding on for around 6-7 years by now, so perhaps oc kin is something you could try looking into! i also thought of something along the lines of general cryptid kin & naturally villain kin, i don't know if that's very helpful to you but you know, i'm sorta going for the vibes you give off in the hopes it can maybe lead you somewhere? awfully sorry if any of this feels a bit vague, feel free to ask for clarification if needed!
Thank you for reaching out to me, Star. Again, thank you so much for taking a chance on the ask that I sent you. I have been looking into OC kin more extensively as of late because it was actually suggested that I research it recently by someone else as well. It definitely is a strong lead, so I will take your suggestions into heavy kinsideration.
Th
That kinfession you sent to noncanon-fictionkin reminded me so much of my in-source brother that it gave me an almost visceral reaction /silly
I feel a bit too nervous to actually reach out and talk about my source yet, but I just wanted to give you,, yk,,, confirmation that your invitation is being heavily considered!!!!!!!! I see you!!!!!!! And I'm sending you love!!!!!!!!!! (/p)
-⭐️ (Only doing a sign-off just in case I decide to come back and talk more to you on anon lmao)
Hello there, anonymous traveler of the cosmos. I appreciate you reaching out to me on anonymous to impart your feelings of familiarity in me. If you would ever like to answer a few questions about your source, my dms are always open-- and of course, if posting this has crossed a line, please let me know ASAP and I will take it down with haste.
I was over here thinking why on earth i would get strong euphoria and shifts upon listening to All-maudra's funeral music and no other gelfling song had the same effect upon me, and then it hit,
"ah yes, perhaps I might be from the Dousan clan, the gelfling who think death is one of the most important parts of one's life cycle. The sort of belief I hold nowadays. The same clan that lives in one of my hearthomes. The same clan that is related to lightining just like the fableing sharing my brain."
nah might be a coincidence. Im probably tge chamberlain cus i like to go HHhhmmmM just like him./j
I still think I could be Stonewood though. im pondering.