The expectation of sexuality among teens is what really irks me.
It was most confusing and alarming to me when books, media, medical professionals, hell even my parents made me feel like I was supposed to one day look at a boy my age and get the vapors or something. Like everything would be all rosy, butterflies would float into the air, the sun would beam upon my skin, and the sky would clear because of some budding attraction that according to most of society is expected. Outside of innocent attraction too, that all other members of society were leering over my shoulders, watching me like a hawk for any self exploration even encroaching upon the realm of sexuality and desire, ready to shame me if I took one step or stumble into the less-than-innocent that is supposed to come with maturing.
I genuinely had issues with fitting in because I thought something was wrong with me for somehow fucking up this mystical biological math equation, and not getting “x= people are attractive and sex and attraction with or towards attractive strangers is appealing and good yay”. There were times when I would lie about liking a boy in my class and back pedaling when girls my age reacted negatively, because FUCK if I knew what made that person an appealing or non-appealing pick. I kept waiting for this change that never came, and yet at the back of my mind something was whispering that I wasn’t the ever the same as those other peers of mine I saw as ‘normal’.
Even after I found my identity, and I’ve still not felt the need to change that label, there have been other addendums added to it. And those were important to me, too. The realization that, yeah, I don’t really give a shit about a persons gender if I do manage to fall in love was a big one, even if it was obvious until then. And even if I had bloomed late and realized I’m not demi, just picky as hell, I would still know that I don’t have a gender preference and kind of never had to begin with. Even if I never have a relationship with a woman or an androgynous, nonbinary, or intersex person, knowing that I don’t have a preference about that subject either way was still valuable to my self discovery.
I really think that society as a whole needs to stop emphasizing attraction as a turning point of maturity milestones, if not because it doesn’t work as general marker, (and really never did), then because there are still kindergarteners who crush on each other, and kiss on the playground swing set, and that technically forces the definition to include kids who recognize attraction early as well, which I don’t think is ethical- or right. But even with that aside, the isolation I felt then- the isolation I still feel as a result of misunderstanding about my identity- is real and it hurt me. And that caused some of my hurt. My life would’ve been a touch easier if there wasn’t this implicit expectation to turn boy-crazy, or become hyper-sexual and horny as a teen when I didn’t really experience any of that.
And even when I did get my first taste of real, genuine attraction and love for someone, it wasn’t this big reveal. It snuck up on me quietly, passively, so much so that it took other people pointing it out for me to step back and go “oh shit that sure is a thing that’s happening in my brain”.
My point is there shouldn’t be such a heavy importance on love and attraction on people that young- it shouldn’t be an expectation or a step to adulthood to be completed- but something that just sometimes pops up, sometimes doesn’t, but is just a natural little ‘whatever’ of the world that happens because biology baby. It’s kinda weird that it’s even something adults are thinking about in regards to their kids- not as in anticipating safe sex talks and all that- but that kids and parents should be communicating honestly with each other throughout puberty because it’s a fucking trip to go through all that, and the last thing anyone needs is to be expecting some coup or phsyop of crushes and less-that-innocent thoughts to be popping up in their freaking children- and if that’s even the case setting boundaries and allowing for the appropriate amount of privacy is arguably necessary for healthy development.
I have many thoughts on this topic but. Yeah. There are worse things to be wrong about than deciding you’re not ace.
tbh it doesn't rly hurt teenagers to incorrectly id as ace like... what's the worst than could happen? they don't have sex till they're older?? lol
…. I’m pretty sure this never went away as a concept my friend.
I say this from the wealth of pop songs on heartache and such.
Also because I am one of many young people who have an Ex that they would gladly welcome back if things would work out for us that way. What are you supposed to do when the one person you fall in love with realizes they’re Aro and can’t love you in return the way you need to be loved? I didn’t stop loving them. Doubt I ever will. But they can’t love me the way I love them. I’m ok with that. I can love them from afar, because to see their happiness for me is enough. To know that they are well is enough of a balm on my wounded heart to try again with someone else, even if a part of my heart will always have belonged to them.
I will say though, there’s a terrifying influx of people who don’t know how to be content with not having what they want, especially young men of the Andrew Tate listening variety. And I think that is perhaps one of the many off shooting roots of this problem connected to a much larger one at the center.
I think it would do good to modern teenagers to be re-introduced to the idea of unrequited love. Like yes, you're wildly in love with this person who doesn't like you, or if you already bungled it, might actually be actively repulsed by you since you unintentionally creeped them out. And it's painful and tragic and it hurts. That happens sometimes. So what can you do? Honestly nothing, other than to mope about it and suffer through it like it's a long, hard bout of illness that takes months or even years to recover from.
And I think kids should be taught that this isn't just fine and normal, but that you totally can - and actually should - romanticise it. Because since there's nothing else you can do about that sort of thing, you might as well have fun having it. You do get to be the the Tragic Suffering Protagonist about it. It's a beautiful, keen and unique sort of pain that is your own personal tragedy and 100% a you problem.
The idea that the only acceptable outcome of falling in love with someone is a relationship with the object of that desire is genuinely dangerous. The idea that the only way to a happily ever after is to "win them over", get out of the friend zone, finally do some feat that'll impress them or prove your worth and finally get the girl. That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works.
Moping isn't inherently bad for you. Okay of course it's possible to spend too much time wallowing in self-pity, but it's good for you to indulge in it as needed. The difference between poison and medicine is dosage, and everyone is allowed to have a little bit of small personal tragedy sometimes, as a treat. You have to do it sometimes just to get it out of your system, be sad about something for long enough to simply get bored of that, and go do something else.
And not to get "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down" stuck in your head, but sometimes that's the key to it. If the only way to go through something is to suffer through it, might as well make it sweet. Sometimes you just gotta be like "I love her and her happiness means more to me than my own, and she does not want me, so therefore I must do this Noble Sacrifice and suffer in silence and simply let her be happy without me" for like six months or a year until you're done being like that and over with it.
I don't know who the fuck thought it was a good idea to instead teach kids that the only acceptable thing to do is to keep bothering the person you like until they give in in and let you out of the ~friend zone~ and you win. That's just not healthy or helpful for anyone involved.