Jake: 2032 is going to be my year, you just wait.
Isa: Hand me the people opener.
Jake: ...
Jake: Pardon?
Isa, annoyed: The people opener! Just hand it to me!
Jake, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?
Isa: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?
Jake: Knife. It's called a knife.
Kaylee: What’s an orgasm?
Kai: When you fold paper to look like birds and shit.
Jake: Isn’t that origami tho?
Isa: No, you dumb fuck, that’s oregano.
Jake: *accidentally eats something too spicy so his eyes start to water*
Isa: Jake, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're the best person I know.
Jake: I'm not crying?
Isa, hugging Jake’s head: Shush baby, it's okay. Kai is here and he loves you with his whole heart.
Jake: Light travels faster than sound.
Isa: This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Isa: Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minutes flute solo.
Jake: *starts playing the flute*
Isa: It’s not the best, but it’ll do.
Isa: I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Jake: Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Jake: Are you busy today Isa?
Isa: I’m busy converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Jake: I thought trees did that.
Isa: That’s photosynthesis.
Isa: Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
Jake: That’s a nice way to threaten someone.
Isa: My parents were really strict, instead of a net around our trampoline, they put a barb wire.
Jake: Are you okay?
Isa: Quite frankly, yes.
Isa: Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Jake: Sarcastically speaking, are we allowed this fine, elegant trademark?
Isa: Sarcasm isn’t for the weak.
Jake: Whatever you do in life, always give 100 percent.
Isa: Unless you're donating blood.
Isa: I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
Isa: Love is like a fart. If you force it, you're going to make a mess.
Jake: Deaf animals have absolutely no concept of noise or the fact that anything else can hear.
Isa: But deaf humans have concept of noise, stupid. They know they’re deaf.
Isa: Maybe someone tried to kill me last year, failed, and i don't even know about it.
Jake: Why did the traffic light turn red?
Isa: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Jake: If you look around before you do something, you probably shouldn't do it.
Jake: The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Isa, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?
Jake: Tea.
Isa: Wrong. It's coffee.
Isa: I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Isa: Whoever said "What comes up must come down" has clearly never seen my bathroom scale.
Isa: I'm broke but not like poor broke. I'm classy type of broke. I'm broqué.
Jake: You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
Isa: That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Isa: I'm bringing sexy back!
Jake: You’re the reason sexy left!
Isa, giving Kaylee relationship advice: When you're looking for your future spouse, don't just think "who do I want to love for the rest of my life", think "who do I want to argue with about the best way to load a dishwasher for the rest of my life?"
Kai: You say that like you’re capable of loving.
Isa: Dear life, when I asked if my day could get worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
Jake, texting Isa: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…
Isa′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.
*Later*
Isa, texting back: Fuck you.
Jake: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
Isa: Unless you're home alone.