Shit My Players Say - Blog Posts
Corpse Wrangler sounds so fun
Necromancer?
More like "Cowboy for Corpses"!
2020
Two years later and I still hate my dnd group.
((For those unaware: this is actually a redraw of an old comic I did when I was first getting into digital art here))
(Reblogs > Likes)
I hate my dnd group
Some absolute bangers from my dnd sesh tonight:
DM, in response to Jonathan taking a puff of weed mid-session: “Are you ripping a bong in Strahd’s castle??”
DM, after Jonathan asks in-game if Strahd is British: “He gives you a confused look like ‘what the fuck are british people?’“
Dm, watching a player be weird across the table: “What are you throating over there? Is that a piece of asparagus?”
Said player: “You dont got the asparagussy.”
Jonathan, in response to ‘What can I do that you cant?’: “You can…not tank a wooden stake to the heart.”
Jonathan: “Youre a bad neighbor!”
Aenrice: “IM A FIRBOLG, IM THE TARGET OF A HATECRIME.”
Aenrice: “Dont die.”
Jonathan: “Probably not.”
Jonathan, when Strahd doesn’t believe him: “No, I can actually speak dog.”
DM, imitating Jonathan: “That vampire bussy got me actin up.”
Jonathan: “I told you we shouldn’t have done it but you were all ‘no i want some of that sweet vampire dick-“
Aenrice: “THAT WAS YOU-“
Jonathan’s Player, out of nowhere: “You could totally turn an ice cream scooper into a pipe.”
Jonathan, in reference to fucking Strahd: “You said no, he said yea, we took the highest bidder.”
Arenus, jealously: “I cant believe you would even think about doing something like that with him.”
Jonathan: “Dyou wanna fuck?”
Arenus: “No!”
Jonathan: “Then shut up.”
NPC: “Stay safe traveler!”
Jonathan: “Maybe”
Aenrice’s Player: “Aenrice looks at your four-barreled blunderbuss, then at his one barreled blunderbuss, and says ‘Yours is bigger than mine.’”
Jonathan: “Aint that the usual.”
Jonathan: “Strahd, me boy, yer a feckin fool.”
Jonathan: *Exorcises Strahd while speaking fake Italian like a Terminal Montage video*
Jonathan: “Exorcise, no treadmill.”
More out-of-context dnd quotes
* “ignite the wolf”
* “What if we kissed in the Ravenloft castle and we were both evil?”
* “Three votes for swamp of death”
* “You sound a bit hoarse” “I’m a cow, thank you very much”
* “Too angry to die”
* “I just wanna die and become a chat box on Microsoft”
* “The frog is a better antagonist than Strahd”
* “Why don’t we let the ranger do ranger shit?”
Running a new out-of-context D&D quotes thread
Starting off with a few gems from our Curse of Strahd Campaign 2 years past:
• “A wolf in every pot and an organ in every room”
• “knights of the burning werewolf”
• “Eravan, that little punk ass”
• “No margaritas in Barovia”
• “At least before it was just fog. Now it’s snowy fog.”
• “Things going badly in Barovia”
• “Insight check on the vibe”
• “Sticks work as weapons if you stab hard enough”
Today’s session had some gems
“I’m not supposed to be the voice of reason, I’m the bard.”
“Wear the cat harness on your arm!”
“I can’t believe you just got one-shotted by a seven-year-old!”
“Let me get the friggin’ fox high!”
Context available if anyone asks.
I don’t even know anymore...
As mentioned before, I DM a homebrew D&D campaign for some friends. This happened and I still haven’t gotten an explanation.
Me: “As you enter the garden, you’re faced with three massive sculptures depicting humanoid individuals. All are standing upright, with their weapons clasped between two hands and eyes shut. Tabaxi Cleric: I wanna lick the statues! Me: *sputters* you what
Tabaxi Cleric: I LICK THE STATUES! Human Bard: I’ll join her! Me: okay, but why? Tabaxi Cleric: what happens? I had to describe the taste of a statue to my stupid players...
Dealing negative damage
My player’s wizard, having run out of spells, resorts to using the paladin’s warhammer. W: Will a 15 hit? Me: Roll damage W: 2. do I add anything? Me: Add your strength mod W: Thats... a -4 Me: ...what? W: ...what?
I genuinely don’t know what to do, PLEASE HELP I AM CONFUSED AND I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT THIS IN THE HANDBOOK!
As a DnD player, having your DM ask for more detail about your backstory and then say: “I would never put a character in harms way that did not deserve to be there” is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me
As a DM, the other half of me is standing back and applauding