Spilled Work - Blog Posts

All that blood was never pretty,

But they did so love the sound of warhorns,

Perhaps they went into every battlefield thinking,

This time it'll be rubies instead.

I was raised to gobble on harsh words only,

My food pipe has stretched to swallow slanders,

My stomach has a special kind of acid to melt metal;

And my intestines are meant to grind any remaining matter to fine dust.

How to deal with kind words?

Of that, I have no idea.

Are they supposed to loll in my mouth like caramel candy

Or melt like chocolate?

Will the honey sting if it touches my bleeding tongue?

It will be lost between the blood and spit before reaching my stomach anyway.

—Be gentle with me please.

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I lost a bit of you and you lost a bit of me, all in translation.

- reign

I am tired of seeing you in my dreams. I don't want to walk through this memory with the ghost of you again. To see you smile, to see us back underneath the summer sun, is agony. To recall my name, from broken pitches of your last remembered voice, is agony. With that said, again I will wait for you in my dreams tonight.

- reign

The word 'prodigy' never found its way near my name. Yet, all I hear from peers who used to be proud, now concerned, is ' you know too much.' And I ask, and I cry.

Did I fly too close to the sun again, Father? Am I falling?

- reign

It's a poet's inclination. The urge to abandon this domestication and be the gentle beast of the woods. To see curiosity and amazement in the eyes of creatures for once. To have my muse climb trees. To fetch water from roaring streams. I have been civil in my suffering. Now I want to suffer from unusual ailments.

- reign

How I wish we didn’t part ways. You remain completely intact in my memories and sometimes I wish I could forget you, because it is impossible to think of you without feeling all the pain that came along with the love I once felt for you, and perhaps still do. All it took was one night, a mere six hours and I knew I’d never be the same again but I lost you as soon as I found you. It’s like feeling beautiful and complete one moment and then completely broken and lost the next. How I wish we didn’t part ways because now every time I think of you, I cry without feeling sad, I wince in a pain I do not feel and there is this emptiness in me and I feel so numb, engulfed in the darkness. Your name on my lips feels wrong, your messages don't make me smile like they used to before, your gifts seem like they were sent to me by mistake and everything keeps trying to undo itself while still being a part of me. Like they want to be set free, as though we don’t belong together anymore. Now, it feels like I have to let go even when I don’t completely want to. I fell in love and there wasn't an alternative, you walked away and I didn’t have a say, now all that’s left with me wants to quit and I won’t be holding them back either...

© Raina Rose.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't try. Maybe it was late, but it was worth saving. You were worth saving. And sometimes you have to walk away, even from things you love most so that you can save yourself before anything, or anyone else. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but I can never be selfish when it comes to you. So I walked into the forest, danced through fire, breathed air that felt like poison, drank lies, mostly the ones I told myself, slept in cold, lay myself bare, only to find you. And I found you by breaking myself apart. It would be a lie if I said I didn't try...

© Raina Rose.

I feel sad sometimes, for no apparent reason and when people ask me why I'm sad, I get angry. Not because they frustrate me but because I don't have an answer. I don't know why I get sad, why my heart starts longing for things I no longer have, why I constantly want things that may not want me, why I wished I could go back in time to a specific moment... Then, there's always this thought that by altering one moment in the past, you could possibly change the entirety of the future. And what if that future turned into something far worse than all that I've been through, what if it brings more pain and sadness than everything I have already been wounded by? What if it resumes from where I've undone, then I'd have to painstakingly go through every moment and try to be better than before but I might just make it all worse. What if I try to undo one by pushing another force into momentum that takes refuge in my life, one I most likely may not endure? So I sit there sadly, sometimes angry, but silently, contemplating all that could have been, all that would be and all that I'll never be able to undo but just live with. I'm sad and sometimes I cannot explain it...

© Raina Rose.

I read somewhere that, "through pretence you can make people stay, but you can't keep them", and ever since I can't help but wonder if every bit of me has been a lie to him... Yes, I love books, and stories and songs that says a million things inbetween, I love that the discussions never needed a topic, I love talking about philosophy and spirituality because he understands more about it than I do. But that's just it, I've been talking and keeping his attention because I don't want him to leave. Because if he left, then I'd have nothing left to hold onto. Because I'm afraid that there will be a hole in my heart where he used to reside.

I can appreciate the art darling, but it was more for you and about you than myself or anywhere between the lines of us. I love fiction and fairytales, I love stories that give me a break from reality, where for a short while I can be someone else and feel a million things without being apologetic about it all the time. I love songs that mean something than the ones that say too much just to fill the run time. I love movies that are romantic, I love stargazing, I love the mornings just a little before dawn where the whole world lays silently waiting for the Sun to rise to name a brand new day, in those moments, I feel life for everything that it is. But, whenever I am with you since the thought, I can't help but believe a little that somewhere inbetween I must have lied or been something else, for you've stayed this long and you never, truly stay. So I have to let you go because I can't keep up this pretence and feeling of uneasiness that I'm playing you a tune I never quite liked myself...

© Raina Rose.

I am happy I say, then I say it louder and happily to those around me in hopes that perhaps if I could convince them that I am, then maybe I will be too. I do it often, then I realize that everytime I hear the word happy my heart sinks, at how I'm making myself believe an emotion that I do not truly feel. Just for a brief second, my heart falls into my stomach before coming back up again with a smile. There, happy.

© Raina Rose.

There is a silence in me these days. The voice I once used to hear on repeat has ceased to exist. She seems to have disappeared. I don't know if I miss her but there is a void where she used to be. I can't specify what it is exactly that I've lost but I've gained something else in return, silence.

© Raina Rose.

I think I'll always love him. You can argue, like spring and summer, the seasons are bound to change. But baby no, this will always stay the same.

I think I'll always love him. You can fight this war a million ways, but this is a battle I've chosen over and over to stay.

I think I'll always love him. You'll tire your routine one day, look, he's not even looking your way. That's true, he'll tire of looking this way, that's why my heart says, we won't let him lose his way.

I'll always love him but no he won't stay, that's okay, I've been here on my own anyways...

© Raina Rose.

Dear stranger,

This was what I was afraid of. Like waves that kiss the shore every now and then, though memorable, they can’t stay. After every touch, they have to retreat back into the ocean. We never quite understand if the shore was too much for the waves or if the waves lost breath upon shore. Momentary conversations and all the seashells you left for me have decorated my night sky and are some of my most treasured memories. Relatable experiences and sincere visits made me want to step back into the waters again after a long time. You made me feel that maybe the waters weren’t as scary as they’ve been described to be, and they weren’t as cold as what they may seem. Though blue and deep, it was heartfelt. Blue, the color of calmness, trust, faith, and wisdom. Your depth made me wonder what secrets you held, every visit only made me more curious than the one before. With the reflection of the sky, endless possibilities and journeys, you had me breathless. 

I wish I knew it was the glistening reflection of Sun that blinded me but I wasn’t too sure, so I ventured. You held me firmly, no doubt, but I couldn’t help falling for you. It was your love, none like the ones before that had me stunned, it was your sincerity that made me understand you cared, it was your words that had me floored. But I’m not new to giving into attachments easily, I am a sucker for love. I prepared for the fall that would approach me one day. I braced myself as you took control. I was afraid you’d let go someday, then I’d have to fall back into the chain of unending torment, self-pity and sleepless nights all over again. I’d walked away from all that hurt for the longest time and I can’t believe after everything I’ve been through, I ended up here again. I’ve been holding myself back for the longest time and I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved like that, where I wasn’t wearing a mask and wasn’t lying about myself, where someone loved me for all that I was and saw everything in me for me, as me. 

But that’s the thing with our story, while you glimmered all day, darkness and tranquility sets in as the Sun left your side. Every dusk only reminded me of all the times someone let go of my hands after venturing far into the sea. All that love and kindness did put up a fight with the walls I’ve built around my heart, but I’m glad I didn’t back down, this wasn’t a war to win, but to choose between myself and my own downfall. Though you mean no harm, it is me that I fear most. Journey to the downward spiral never did end well, having known my own demons and torments, I wouldn’t risk slipping again. As much as your darkness scares me, it is my demons that I’m more afraid of. They live inside of me, they linger, waiting for the right moment to pounce, to gain control and to never let go. They used to drive me mad, reminding me of all my attempts at happiness, all my failures, all my sins, and mistakes. Perhaps it is their faces that I see in your reflection these days.  

I hope you can forgive me one day for not returning, for moving further away, for never again being the same. Those conversations we’ve had by the shoreline will always be my favorite, for my love, those were the days I truly let myself fall without realizing. And there’s always a high in falling, but when you fall, it’s inevitable that you crash. It’s a shame it had to come to an end, the way it always does.

© Raina Rose.