Staring Blankly At Your Sister Outside Her Door If You Catch Her In Ridiculous Clothes And Then Walking

I think watching the movies we forget how totally unhinged the Prancing Pony scene is in the books. Like it’s literally:

Frodo: Right, there’s evil things after me, gotta keep a low profile. Got it everyone? Low profile.

Also Frodo, five minutes later: WITH A PING AND A PONG THE FIDDLE STRINGS BROKE AND THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOOOOOON!!!! *Dances passionately on the table*

A few minutes and one fall later

Strider: Holy shit Frodo you fucked up so bad.

Frodo: W-what??

Strider: Worse than anything your friends could have done!

Frodo: Who-

Strider: We need to talk, once the clamour has died down.

Frodo: Ok…

Later, in the now deserted and dark pub

Pippin: Did he really say to meet you here?

Frodo: Yeah, maybe-

Strider, sitting in a dark corner: Hello

Hobbits: Ah!

Frodo: Uh, hi, you said you wanted to talk to me?

Strider: Yes, and you might hear something to your advantage.

Frodo: Sure… what do you have to say.

Strider: Many things, but of course I have my price.

Frodo: What price?

Strider: no more than you can afford.

Frodo: And that would be-?

Strider: Take me with you on your journey until I wish to leave.

Frodo: No.

Strider: God, Thank you.

Frodo: Huh?

Strider: At least got some sense left.

Frodo: Um.

Strider: Did no one ever teach you “stranger danger”?

Later

Frodo: Guys, I think we can trust him.

Merry: Source?

Frodo: Vibes.

Merry: Valid source.

Frodo: Also he’s so ugly, there’s only so much damage he can do, you know?

Pippin: 10/10 reasoning.

Sam: I can take him.

Aragorn, probably: Manwe above, I’m not a moment too soon.

I can't believe the horse is back in the fucking hospital

Best summary

Maeve is an eons old demon queen and she got humbled by a 20 year old k*nky king with daddy issues and a 19 year old arsonist that just lost 99% of her power.

Another day, another slay for the all powerful book nerds 💅🏽

"Draw up the papers," Xaden says, gripping my chair.

Bile rises in my throat. What the fuck is he doing?

Cat's head snaps into our direction, Mira and Garrick both gawk, and Aaric continues eating.

I want the damned bond back now.

"Ah, there we go!" Faris claps twice. "What an excellent decision. Shall we go with three or four years?"

"Lifetime. Anything less is unacceptable." Xaden slides his hand to the back of my neck. "And her full name for the papers is Violet Sorrengail. Two Rs."

I'm torn between throwing a dagger at his chest and kissing the shit out of him.

-Onyx Storm

maybe this time picking at Textures on my skin will lead to being silky smooth

you read stuff on wattpad for shit and giggles where most of the fics there are reader-inserted ones written in 1st person pov where y/n is a barely legal white girl with blonde hair and blue “orbs” who’s so smol and fragile that she’s dependent entirely on this morally questionable guy who’s killing people for a living but for some reason happens to have a soft spot for her.

you read real actual literature on archive of our own where it’s two middle aged men, who are each other’s sworn enemies, with tragic past, trauma and strong homoerotic tension. and while they’ve made each other bleed, killed each other’s friends and loved ones out of jealousy / possessiveness, lied and betrayed and manipulated, the rawness, depth, complexity and slow burn will keep you up all night, haunt you during your day and possibly change your life forever. and also the sex isn’t just smut. the sex is poetry that puts Shakespeare to shame

HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW ALL THIS SHIT

These are all true.

Just you and me honey bear

Love the subtle fourth wall break

phineas and ferb + jokes about imitable behavior