Something Is Wrong With Me And  don’t Know What

Something is wrong with me and  don’t know what

Every morning I wake up and wish I didn’t

I put on clothes and resist the itch under my skin

pick and peel and theres always more layers

Who’s vessel am I in?

I eat food and only feel the textures

All I taste is dust

There are three hair ties where there should be two

I try not to greet my reflection,

It doesn’t matter, I’ll forget what he looks like when I leave the room

I hate my hair and the way I dress

I think there’s something wrong with me

I look up my interests in class because the people there scare me

I can’t look them in the eyes

If I must talk I become a facsimile of whoever they need me to be

I can tell my smile doesn’t reach my eyes.

I can’t check because I hate that thing in the mirror

I watch existentialist tv and relate to the people in the shows

They ask the tired questions

“Who am I,”

“Why am I here?”

“Am I a good person”

I know none of those answers

I stay in bed all day

It’s the only place I feel safe, sequestered from the world

Sometimes I like to imagine I’m sick just so my family will take care of me

I don’t think they like me very much

I dread going to bed

I love getting under the covers

I love nobody coming to bother me 

If I died here nobody would know until the next morning

And even then not until after 3

I love to sleep

I get to die in any way that matters for a bit

When you’re asleep you can pretend nobody knows you

And you know nobody

I hate waking up

I hate remembering I am known

I have therapy on Saturday 

She’ll ask me how I’m doing

I’ll forget all of this by then

She tells me I have successes

But measured against others I’ve done practically nothing 

What am k doing with my life

Is this even worth living

Am I even worth living

I write

I erase

I don’t make anything worthwhile 

Why even try

it stays in my notes to rot anyways

I want tk go missing

I think there’s something wrong with me

I think vanishing is a way of showing love

Leaving and letting people think you got raptured

It’s beautiful in a way