“Of Course I Have A Heart … In A Jar Somewhere.”

A: “You suck!”

B: “If you’re lucky” *winks*

A: *sputters and blushes*

Humorous/Weird/Suggestive Writing Prompts

1) “Hey do you kn-AH! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!” “WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?”

2) “Don’t look at me when you eat that banana. You know what that does to me.”

3) “Must you make eye contact with me while deep throating a popsicle?”

4) “Can you not moan while devouring your ice cream sundae? I’m trying to watch tv.”

5) “I’m 99.9% sure seahorses are fake.”

6) “Can fish drown?”

7) “I’m not saying I’d lick that body like an ice cream cone buuuut…”

8) “Do my lips taste like Doritos?”

9) “I don’t know who thought of eating Cheetos with chopsticks, but they’re either a genius or a coward.”

10) “Don’t go in-aaand you found my doll collection.”

11) “Damn! Mona Lisa ain’t got nothin’ on you!”

12) “So…this fruit actually came from a dragon?” (dragon fruit)

13) “My zipper got caught on my underwear and she/he/they were just helping me out!”

14) “I hear sex is the best kind of exercise.” “Both of your arms are broken. I don’t know how that’s gonna work out.”

15) “I swear, if you draw a penis on my cast, you won’t see the light of day again!”

16) “Why are you on the floor moping?” “I wasted a bowl of cereal because I didn’t know the milk went bad.”

17) “Babe, as much as I love cuddling you, I’m sick

18) “Sunglasses and a hat isn’t a disguise!”

19) “You’re the pineapple to my pizza.” “…I think we need to break up.”

20) “YOU DON’T NEED MORE BATHBOMBS! YOU ALREADY BOUGHT $200 WORTH OF THEM!”

21) “Are you really quoting that movie/show while we’re getting attacked?!”

22) “I wrote you a poem and, honestly, it’s so romantic. I just might date myself.”

23) “I can’t believe you were stupid enough to get stuck in a child’s swingset.”

24) “Um…who’s cat/dog is that?” “Wait…this isn’t yours?”

25) “I can’t believe you were about to throw down some 8 year old kid.” “They took the last bag of potato chips! What do you expect me to do?”

26) “Watermelon pizza looks absolutely disgusting…let’s try it.”

27) [wearing a viking helmet] “Hey, babe. Look! I’m a bit horny.”

28) “I shouldn’t find Jesus Christ’s adoptive father attractive, but I do.”

29) “We’re at a theme park and you wanna have a quickie?! Seriously?!”

30) “I swear to God if you don’t give me that back right now, I will guarantee that your great, great, great-grandchildren will suffer by my hand.” “..You scare me.”

“You don’t have to keep saving people just to prove you have a right to exist,” they said quietly.

“Well.” They floundered, ears ringing. How could someone come out and say things like that? “Not just.” They tried to joke.

“Oh god, don’t make this sentimental.” “Don’t make you asking me to marry you sentimental?”

“I don’t think I’m cut out for this whole ‘romance’ thing. A boy I like tried to flirt with me and I instinctively punched him in the face.”

It’s up to one man to save the universe… But he just doesn’t fucking care.

“I was going to have a nice quiet night of reading, but I guess I’ll be patching up your broken jaw instead.”

Dark Quotes & Prompts

Anonymous said: Hi, thank you for all you do! I was wondering if you would have some dark quotes? I feel like there’s only light, airy ones floating around

Some of these are very negative and, well, dark, so if you’re not one for this sort of thing, please proceed warily.

Love

“She’s a saint with the lips of a sinner. She’s an angel with a devilish kiss.”

“If you don’t fight for what you love, you cry for what you lose.”

“I love you, as certain dark things are to be loved. In secret, between the shadow and the soul.” - Pablo Naruda

“Light is easy to love. Show me your darkness.” - R.Queen

“Hell sent us the most evil disease, and we humans called it “love” “- Conny Cernik

“You know that place between asleep and awake; that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I will always love you. That’s where I will be waiting.” - Peter Pan

“But my dreams aren’t as empty as my conscience seems, to be. I have hours; only lonely. My love is vengeance that’s never free.”

“They told me not to play with fire, and I should’ve listened because I got burned by your soul and you left me in the ashes.”

“Until we’ve seen someone’s darkness we don’t really know who they are. Until we’ve forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” - Marianne Williamson

“We’re all searching for someone who’s demons play well with ours.”

“He saw the darkness in her beauty. She saw the beauty in his darkness.”

“I don’t really get why everything has to end. Nothing can be perfect but instead of quitting, People should try to fix their problems instead of leaving. Love is a really wonderful feeling but most people don’t know the real meaning.”

“He looked at me as if I were the only star in her darkest night and he kissed me as if I were the air that filled her lungs.”

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” - Mary Oliver

Keep reading

“Stop throwing rocks at my window.”

“Answer your door, then!”