Bitter And Lonely Straight Men Who Feel Unloved By Women Do Not Seem To Understand That Women Do Not

Training the Bat Way (aka Bruce’s Terrible Parenting 101)

Bruce Wayne, aka the Dark Knight, aka the absolute worst, has this little training exercise that the entire family unanimously despises. He calls it “building resilience” or “preparing for the unexpected.” The rest of the family calls it Bruce’s stupid sleep-deprivation kidnapping game.

Here’s how it works: Bruce waits until you’re at your absolute lowest—after a grueling week of non-stop patrols, minimal sleep, and a near-catastrophic Gotham meltdown. Once you’ve finally collapsed into a dead sleep (and sometimes, after he’s sneakily slipped you a sedative to make sure you stay asleep), he picks you up, sticks you on a plane, and drops you off in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes it’s a remote village in the mountains; sometimes it’s the bustling heart of a city on the other side of the planet. The challenge? Find your way home.

Occasionally, Bruce will leave you with some supplies: a wallet, maybe a burner phone, a little equipment if he’s feeling generous. But more often than not, you’ll wake up with absolutely nothing. No money, no ID, no tools—just the clothes on your back and a pounding headache from whatever the hell Bruce drugged you with.

Some highlights of Bruce’s 'training' include:

• Dick waking up in the middle of Germany with nothing but his expired driver’s license and missing socks (He'd hidden cash in them, so he can only guess Bruce found it).

• Steph regaining consciousness in Iceland with a crumpled €5 euro and zero idea how to exchange it for local currency.

• Damian waking up in the middle of the Sahara Desert. No gear. No money. Nothing but sand and the distant memory of Bruce’s smug face.

• Tim once took over a month to get home from a tiny town in Thailand. By the time he made it back to Gotham, he’d created an entire fake identity, complete with forged documents, an elaborate backstory, and several new international contacts. Bruce called it “impressive.” Tim called it traumatizing.

• Cass, of course, took this completely in stride. Woke up in India, dismantled a shady criminal organization she stumbled across, and then casually returned to Gotham two days later like nothing had happened. When asked how she managed it, she just shrugged.

• Duke waking up in the Grand Canyon with his phone at 1% and a granola bar in his pocket. He got home in less than a day, having hitched a ride, bartered his way onto a train, and charmed a group of tourists into helping him. He also got himself a pet chameleon on the way, somehow.

• Jason refuses to talk about his turn, but based on the suspicious amount of diplomatic immunity he now has in several Eastern European countries, it’s safe to say he didn’t play by Bruce’s rules.

If they’re lucky, Bruce leaves them somewhere within the U.S., in which case the Wayne name might help speed up the process. But outside of the States? Forget it. Flashing a “Wayne” credit card can cause more problems than it solves (That's if they're even lucky enough to have a credit card to flash in the first place).

To the rest of the family, this whole thing is less of a “training exercise” and more of a weird, sadistic game Bruce plays when he thinks they’re getting too soft. And no matter how many times they complain, Bruce insists it’s “for their own good.” Because of course he does.

The thing is, they all do get home. Eventually. And yeah, maybe they come back stronger or sharper or whatever excuse Bruce uses to justify it. But at what cost? (Mostly their sanity and a burning hatred of international airline fees.)

Still, the Bats have learned to adapt. They’ve formed their own set of unspoken rules:

1. Always keep some emergency cash hidden somewhere on your person (And hope Bruce doesn't find it, because he will take it).

2. Never, ever fully trust that glass of water Bruce hands you after patrol.

3. And if you wake up in the middle of nowhere, the first step is simple: curse Bruce Wayne’s name as loudly and creatively as possible. Then get to work.

Because at the end of the day, they will get home. And they’ll probably sucker-punch Bruce the second they do.

kim dokja core

[JoongDok/ORV] A solution

Was doing something unrelated but

Can you imagine a world where nobody knows the batkids are actually Batman's children and hence, when they hear them yelling at each other "I'll report this to Batman!" They think it's actually serious team discussion

And they don't know that for them it literally translates into "I'm telling dad!"

Like, You see Nightwing arguing with Red Hood and going "Oh, i'm SO reporting this to Batman"

"OH NO, YOURE NOT"

"YES I AM"

And everyone else thinks this is serious? And it could affect Hood's status as an ally?

But really is just Dick telling his little brother he's snitching about his broken arm to their dad-

Or you see Red Robin trying to bribe Robin and Spoiler "I'm reporting your actions to Batman"

"Yeah, gotta start the report about it, and he's going to be so-"

"... How much?"

And they smile maliciously, and anyone else thinks RR did something REALLY bad but it's just that he exceeded his weekly allowed coffee and his sibblings found out

Because they also do it to other people, like Tim does it to Supes when he's arguing with Kon-

Ides of March gonna be real bittersweet this year

A crossover no one asked for...

except me.

Just remembered a dream I had last night.

(+18 mentions, be warned)

So, the dream was about Gru and the minions, right? So, Gru was making the minions build a new place, and for some weird reason every few minutes while in the base, Gru would close his eyes and the next thing I knew he's half naked and a bunch of minions are opening his legs for another minion to enter him... Yea.... It was a weird dream....

Have fun with the mental image!!

The need has been satiated. The hug has been given.

T H E H U G M O N S T E R H A S B E E N F E D

I am currently feeling a strong urge to hug someone. I want to smother someone with affection.

T H E H U G M O N S T E R I S H U N G R Y