Boobyisme - Booby Is Me

1 am thoughts

Hi. Once again, I remembered D and instantly cried. I just don't understand why I can't let go of the thought of him because it's not like we even dated. We spent a few hours together for one (1) night and THAT'S IT. I really don't understand where this desire is coming from. I don't understand how I can feel all these emotions for somebody I don't technically know. It has been over a year and I am still the same mess, even after having dated a few people since. I was talking to God earlier about how I need help from Him to take this sadness away. I am really so happy where I currently am in life and I know that I can definitely do without a partner (maybe) at this point. AND YET SOMEHOW!! On the rare occasions I do think of a prospective partner, it's him I go back to. I can't rationalize why I feel this way, but I know that it was that moment of peace and quiet and coziness and serenity and bliss in his car on the drive home after having just shared a few hours of fun and intimacy that did it for me. I can think of a long list of songs that I can associate with the feeling of being in that car with him. It just felt so good and right. I hope I was better with words but to give you a slightly descriptive picture, that car ride felt like what it did when we used to walk back to the parking in G4 after having just watched the last full show of some movie. So cold and quiet you could hear crickets and you were still slightly sleepy because you had been asleep for the latter parts of the film.

That's what the car ride felt like. It felt new yet familiar; new because I knew for certain that I had never felt that way before, and familiar because it felt as if I had known him my entire life. I know it probably did not mean shit to him in the slightest, but to me, it felt like a rebirth, and that's what makes the entire thing so sad to me. I did not even reach the point of getting to try it out. It was literally just (barely) one night, yet however, I am still so connected to him in ways I did not imagine possible. If I have not told you yet, he is workmates with the mother of my very best friend. MY BEST FRIEND. The one friend I hang out with every single day. He LITERALLY works 3 desks away from Tita Pearl. SO CRAZY. There has even been a time when I got to see his desk firsthand (he wasn't there at the time, thankfully) because Faye and I had to meet up with Tita Pearl at her office. I don't care what you think of my story. This story has been sending me into a pit of depression every time I try to recall it and I cry the same amount of tears each time, even more so because he is currently dating another girl. I know that this is not the kind of prayer God would want me to make so I stray away from hoping they don't actually end up together. The other day during worship, Fr. Jade talked about how evil never prevails -- no matter how hard you pray for it. If it is evil at its core, there is no chance God would grant it. I think I have already fully come to terms with the possibility that we might never cross paths again because, really, it's okay. As I said, it does not bother me much to be without a partner. In fact, I enjoy it. I enjoy having all this luxury of time and space to do whatever the heck I want. It's just that when I do think of anyone, I always think of him. I think he's a really smart and good person with a really nice personality and I know I would really love to spend time with him. He feels like somebody I wouldn't hate having around all the time, which speaks volumes about how much I actually like him. However, I understand that this might not be what God wants for me at this point because literally nothing is happening and it's not like I'm going to barge back into his life and reintroduce myself. Like I said, he is seeing someone else and I respect that. While I know there's no harm in simply reaching out, I have so much respect for my fellow woman so I will not do that. After all, God knows what is best for me and I will follow just that; the lack of opportunity in sight is already a big fat sign. Right now, my main concern is to be rid of the sadness that comes with remembering him and our short time together. These days, nothing makes me sadder than when I'm trying to recall those moments and getting flashes of what could have been. One day, I know I will find closure, even if it's not with or from him. I hope that, if it cannot be him, it's somebody infinitely better. I hope that that person could make me feel as good as that car ride in 2023 did, if not so much better. Lord, you have never failed me even once in my life. I find no reason to doubt your plans, especially at this point. Right now, please just help me be happy for him and for whatever is going on in his silly little life.

D, you were exceptional and I truly have never met anyone as lovely as you are. I hope to see you again soon.

wow. i can't believe I made it to the for you page. hello. I'm very sorry I did not expect this. I would like to thank my dad

you will feel so alive again.. like so incredibly alive. i dont know when that will be but it will be. u are gonna feel so alive that ur cheeks hurt from smiling oh man oh man i promise that day is coming. you do have a future, you do have good things coming, and you’ll survive everything that’s thrown at you until you reach that day

nothing / sad n stuff

i don’t know what’s happening. are u not talking to me, purposefully???!? this is so unlike you and i wonder if something’s wrong. i asked if you were at the meeting earlier and you were but you haven’t replied to me since yesterday + haven’t tagged me in anything for the last 24 hours. i know that’s so trivial and we should be able to do our own things separately but i have a feeling something’s up. i dont need you to tell me if you dont feel comfortable but i dont like feeling helpless and i dont like the idea that i cant be there for you. i just need a sign that you’re okay. i love you so much and i miss you. i feel bad you’re not talking to me and that i dont know what’s going on, if any. i really hope ure okay girl like genuinely. not just because i miss you. i hope this isnt; because of ateneo cause you’re literally so much more than that. god please let this girl know im here for her whatever happens. she’s so much more reserved than i am and for the longest time, i’ve taken her for such a strong level-headed person. i want to be there when she doens’t feel like being her strongest self. im like crying and shit. i really miss you girl like WTF. talk to me!!!!

“No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky.”

— Bob Dylan

calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.

date a girl who makes it harder to go to sleep but easier to get up every morning

do you guys wanna see the most perfectest png of my cat

I think people underestimate the luxury it is to live alone and be able to cry whenever you want, then go outside, buy a sweater, come home, drink tea, bookbind something you've read on the internet, do your nails, laugh at a show, use a 6 seat-table all for yourself and your 2500 pieces puzzle, eat nothing at all or everything on sight, listen to your podcast on your sound system, and just emote whatever you want to emote without anyone ever asking "are you okay?"

Maybe I'm crying, maybe I'm laughing, and no one needs to know about it, I'm just humaning and I don't actually want to discuss it and I don't ??? have to??? because living alone is so luxurious 10/10 highly recommend.