Latest Posts by caramelsprout - Page 4

Got damn!!!

I wonder what will happen if I actually try to put some effort into my appearance.

Feeling so bad about myself on the regular, it shouldn’t be too much of a risk, right?

Mostly I just want to look presentable day to day

Who knows?

HEARTBREAKING: Poor girl has to get out of the soft warm bed even though she is so so so so comfy

Dissatisfaction

I really like my life as it is now, I get a few if not a decent amount of things done every so often, like music recitals and competitions and gigs every month or so.

School life is good enough, since I feel like I’d be okay with pretty much any environment. My friends are wonderful too, and they keep me company for the lionshare of the time I’m feeling lonely. They’re fun to talk to as well, and honestly one of the best parts of my life.

The problem is that I can’t help but dream of idealized versions of my life now- going back to that dream of being the stereotypical asian kid with neat handwriting and pocky and stationary of all matching colours. Aestheticism has a grip on me like nothing else, and sometimes I can daydream weeks away cooped up in my head, remembering none of what happened while I was up in the clouds. Social interaction in those times comes on its own, making up jokes and having entire conversations on autopilot without even being aware of what I’m talking about.

Most of my aesthetic wishes are the usual: being productive, matching colours and themes of everything I own, all in something pretty stereotypical of an asian girl (an example being my blog theme- all pink and cute even though I wasn’t a fan of pink when I made it), and, most regretfully of all, a friend group of kids who are all similar to my aesthetic ideal.

I love my current friends- so much so that they’re one of the only reasons why I bother going to school in person anymore. They’re fun and interesting to talk to, play games with me, and give me lots of support- but there’s always some kind of aspect missing from it all. 

I’d never let them go for the world- but when was the last time I had a sleepover? Went out with a cute group and looked for phone accessories? Braided one of my friend’s hair?

My current friend group is absolutely amazing, but I feel like I kind of left some of my planned childhood behind since I stopped having a super close friend group of girls in elementary school.

Is it so selfish to wish I had a group to bake with, to call each other pretty and cute, to tease about who they like, and to paint each other’s nails? Is it not such a wonderful thing to dress up in matching colours, garden with, and look up horoscopes together that you don’t even believe in, but still hope for like some fairy tale?

I really wish I were more of a girl, I’d suppose.

I really do wish that more people saw me as a girl. I hope it’s not too selfish to pray for?

Not sure if this helps but I don't really believe that knowing we'll die in the end changes anything.

Do you listen to a song just because it ends?

Do you read a book just to close the cover in a few days?

Look, I'm no fully grown adult with a grip on life or a real job or anything, but I'm a bit of a believer in just trying to make the best of things while we're here. The time limit isn't really the end goal per se, but it's something to give our lives value.

What's the point in living forever anyways? With an ~80 year lifespan, these days matter!

Or at least, that's what I believe in theory. Might want to consult @aletheia-mou for more thoughts on life, since I've kind of reached a point in this line of thought that satisfied my need for knowledge in this area.

Hang in there<3

Caramel

☆ Meaningless? ☆

What's the meaning of life? I need an answer--not something along the lines of "it's all about self-discovery!" Discovering one's life is part of the journey, but if that's all there is to life, I don't want any part of it. If it's truly the case, then I discovered that my life is full of wrath and meaningless things. I use too much oxygen and produce too much carbon dioxide. My presence is negative even on an environmental level. My life is all about academics I swear. Although I love academia, it kinda sucks that I am 2 dimensional outside of school. Why should I even pity myself? Maybe everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna die anyway sooner or later.

I hope it's sooner rather than later.

(o´∀`o)

Calibrating

So far in the school year, things have been alright- balancing the APs I’m in has taken some time, but overall, things seem just fine.

I’m still trying to make a proper schedule for myself to follow, finding a lot of trouble when trying to actually stick to it. Maybe I just need motivation? Feels like I’m trying to get ahold of all this too late. It’s alright, though- at least I didn’t leave this until university.

My blog’s been looking pretty blank recently. In my free time, I’m thinking of adding a little gallery and maybe a music player? 

I’ll see if I can actually put something of this sort into my blog sometime soon- but no promises, especially since I’m still not sure how to manage my time TT

<3Caramel

post something

BRUH I need to get my life together but yes I will

also am thinking of adding a few new pages to make the site cuter

Workload and toffee

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and not for any good reason, being entirely honest. Once summer school fizzled out of existence, the days have been blurring together; suddenly there’s only a week until real school starts up again.

I’ve been working a lot today, and, thanks to my unhealthy way of working for extended periods of time and not feeling any different than from lying in bed, am able to cram my entire online French summer course in the next five days. 

Although the work itself is mundane, taking a third-person view on the entire ordeal excites me. I’ve started to work like the kid I’ve always wanted to be: Hours at a desk, chewing gum or drinking genmatcha tea, sometimes picking up the phone and chatting while I work when one of my friends calls me. I’ve even found about 300 index cards to write down daily goals and to-do lists!

Feels weird to congratulate myself on this kind of work even though I don’t feel any different than when I’m not doing any work at all. It’s like this for pretty much all the work I do, which is confusing since it always takes me hours to start any tasks even though actually doing it is a walk in the park. I’ve heard that that’s a form of lingering depression, but being entirely honest, I don’t think I’m that depressed  anymore. And even if it is sticking around, I’ve already beaten it to the ground the first time. What’s another round than just adding to the pot?

I’ve really been feeling better as of today. Still not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the toffee I made for my sister and I yesterday? It’s so sweet and doesn’t go with my tea, but it’s just fine with my morning coffee. I guess I’ll get to the bottom of this soon. For now, it’s right around 03:00- so I probably have to sleep in order to continue grinding through my French course tomorrow.

Goodnight!!

<3 Caramel

Stress keeps ramping up no matter what I do and I'm getting really worried because I've had since pretty gross thoughts for the past monthish and they're not going away like I thought they would

Just the other day, my cousins painted my nails bc I was insecure about my hands- honestly, I don't deserve them, they're so sweet. Feels a little out of place, but it's alright. At first I was going to try to scrub them off, but it feels okay now.

Summer school honestly feels really polarizing right now, with my English class in the morning being basically free, and my afternoon math being almost four hours of nothing I understand. What's worse, my parents legitimately think something's wrong with me if I don't get an A in the more "academic" courses, like math and science. If I get a B, they might consider sending me to a shrink. Reality hit today, and I ended up silently crying in class. Sucks.

Math class consists of living off of straight copium and daydreaming about one day opening an imports store, so I'd suppose I'm not helping my case.

I'll get on it soon, I guess.

Sorry for the confusing post, I've been really stressed and remembered I haven't posted here for a while

Pacing

I've got to get myself into order. Instead of having manic highs and depressive lows every couple weeks, I should really be balancing out whatever I'm feeling instead.

Been feeling not too great the past and pretty confused for the past while due to trying to make sense of social stuff but honestly today I'm feeling a little better

Also today I feel halfway okay about my appearance so I'm pretty glad about that

Wondering how summer school's going to be on monday

Caramel

Personal stuff and organization

This is the first blog style post I've made in a while, huh?

I've recently gotten a lot more organized since I've gotten a bed with storage underneath. This one's from Ikea, so it'll be really nice quality compared to what I've had before.

Plans for the summer consist of three summer courses, organizing my things, and planning a project I've been referring to as Project A. Originally, my family was planning to go to Disneyland in the US during the summer- but the economy really sucks right now so we need to cut down on our spending a lot- so we're thankfully going to be spending less.

Sometimes it feels like my sister and I are the ones mose scared of the way my mum handles money- we get that she grew up without much and is now feeling a lot more safe about spending, but it seems impossible to convince her that we don't need to spend money to be happy. God, why are financial problems so complicated? This really sucks :/

I'm glad that we're not going all that far, though, since for one, we're finally cutting down on our spending for trips and excess items and meals, and second of all, we're just not going out too much anymore. Perfect for a homebody like myself with a ton of projects to do over the summer, right?

On the topic of projects, I feel like I've been latching onto Project A so tightly because it seems like the one dream I have that actually feels possible and that I'd be extremely happy with. Not going to talk abou it much on this blog until I'm sure I'm going to be doing it, though.

Another "project" of mine is basically to pretend to be that one Chinese kid that's on top of things and productive- you know, the colour-coded candy-powered note-taking kid with all the highlighters and gel pens.

I've actually gotten some more progress on that dream, too- having sorted together all my paper, binders, and letter writing materials to slip into one of my bed drawers.

Looking pretty good- almost like I've got this little itty-bitty part of my life organized.

My mood's been really rocky as of recent- not like I'm feeling sour all the time but mood swings are definitely what's been up lately. Sucks, really, but I'll get over it. Social issues and miscommunication is what's been bothering me, but I think I'm at the end of that tunnel now as far as I can see.

Thankfully, I've gotten some really great friends that are absolutely wonderful to me and really just sweet.

I'll be okay.

<3Caramel

look upon your sins

Need your favourite vegetable

And thoughts on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)

carrot

kinda based

3:35AM and Project A

I hope my short term manic obsessions aren't just my brain compensating for a ton of social problems I have

Because I think they're actually pretty cool sometimes and I'm actually planning to put my most recent obsession into action and I hope I hope I hope this is for real this could make me so happy but. I don't know.

For the record, though, I'm done being left at the mall bc people forget I'm with them

So maybe my problems are bc I get clingy to people who I shouldn't be

It's really late, though, so I'll be heading to bed for now, with sweet, sweet thoughts of my project!! :)))

<333 Caramel

A sharp turn

HOLY MOLY I’VE JUST HAD A GORGEOUS IDEA. In my brain it’s so likely to work I think it really will. I need a rational mind to bounce my ideas off of because this is a ltitle too happy for my tastes and I’m feeling manic?? Or maybe this is just regular excitement and I’m not used to it.

My dad is not being my rational mind he is fanning the flames and thinks it may be possible as well is he delusional too or could this actually work

Nvm it didn't fit in the car so it's coming next week TT

I'm really done with my broken bed though so I'm thinking of just moving it out and getting the little mattress/futon

Results?!

Starting to see some changes in daily life once I decided to finally crack down and improve whatever feckless dance around life I was trying to do.

Finally getting a new bed for the first time in my life, I'm giddy with excitement since I no longer have to have a broken, splintering woodframe that catches on my hair and makes me want to cut it off. Big win!!

Time to happy clean I guess, today is good :)

<3 Caramel

Results?!

Starting to see some changes in daily life once I decided to finally crack down and improve whatever feckless dance around life I was trying to do.

Finally getting a new bed for the first time in my life, I'm giddy with excitement since I no longer have to have a broken, splintering woodframe that catches on my hair and makes me want to cut it off. Big win!!

Time to happy clean I guess, today is good :)

<3 Caramel

it’s showtime boys

i am markus how to i overthrow the american government

die

yukiko is so cute wouldn't you agree?

maybe a little

hi

hi markus

They're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls they're in your walls

Are you afraid ?

they are watching me

do you believe in aliens

String theory!! >>

:)) I love aliens

:)))

hehe I wanna look like those cute chinese kids with fitting clothing and strawberry milk + pocky

none of my clothes really fit me so one day I’m gonna get stuff that is pog!!

sometimes I think I like to swarm myself with schoolwork to have something to take my mind off anything bad

Dissonance

Got left alone at the mall today but strangely I feel better, I just did the AP exam today and cried in an underground parking lot until my voice hurt but honestly I feel better than I did a couple days ago

keeps coming back

i knew it. I really can’t trust myself to do the right thing I can’t believe it

Shenanigans

Taking a break from the drab and depressing subjects about growing up for a while. I've made a new friend at school, and she helps me take my mind of a lot of stressful stuff I've had sticking to my mind. We can talk for hours, and she even taught me how to make flower crowns, too!

After noticing how much happier I felt when spending time with her and working with my hands, I've started to feel a lot better. Maybe things are looking up?

In other news, I've recently come across an old scout troop activities book that I remember finding in a box that said "free books"- looking at the stamp on the inner cover, it seems to have belonged to an actual scout troop!

I've found their contact and will hopefully be seeing if they're still around or want the book. :)

- Caramel

I think my brain growth or maturity or whatever was stunted when I was little, must've been honestly

Scared of losing a close friend rn I just wanna make him happy I hope he knows

I need to finish soon. I've gotten so.much progress done already but it's all going to be gone if I don't finish soon my stuff is downstairs I can do it

idk

I think I’m going to lose it honestly, not in the angry sort of way but just in the way where I’m so tired and there’s so much I haven’t done and it’s pretty hopeless at this point.

idk what I was thinking when I thought maybe I could turn this around but honestly so much has piled up already I don’t think I can do much

maybe it’s time to wait for another time to do this. Maybe when it’s less busy lol. I could really use a hug but idk if I’ll take it alright but I have my pillow so ig that’s okay

I’ve got quite a few things due tomorrow that I haven’t even started yet and I’m in some pretty deep stuff with my parents so no support over there. Christ I wish I were younger because then I’d be able to say I’m too young for this

Scrambled eggs

God, I wonder what kind of life I could have if I could just motivate myself normally. Maybe I'd have more integrity, having enough courage to tell the truth sometimes. Maybe my grades would be straight hundreds. Maybe I'd already have a proper job.

Looking at studying guides like this makes me kind of believe I can work hard and work focused - and maybe, I can. I guess I'm moving onto my "getting in character" part of my new life, and that excites me like nothing else! I really hope I can get this done.

I'm tight for time right now, though, so for now I'll just keep this image posted here to save it for myself later.

<3 Caramel

Uruguay = u r gay?!?!?!?

😳😳😳