Latest Posts by caramelsprout - Page 5

no

no I don’t think I deserve this. Doesn’t help me get out of my situation but I really don’t see why I deserved all this because I do try to be decent I really do try it’s just that misfortune gets me and now it’s got a grip on my motivation.

This time I really don’t think I brought this upon myself because at the start I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t lazy or anything I just suffered the consequences of bad luck and since then it’s been a negative feedback loop

I wish God existed because then maybe things would’ve been alright and maybe people wouldn’t need to suffer needlessly and have their lives withheld from them

But still I’ve been praying a lot more recently

-Caramel

In the ring again

Trying to refresh again, let's see how sustainable it is like this.

God I hope it is. It's hard to live

oof

I suppose I’ve just had the most unproductive weekend I’ve ever experienced. AP exams are closing in as well. A ton of schoolwork to do while the year closes in, a dying personal life, not mentioning the fact that I’m probably in trouble when it comes to extracurriculars. Missed some important harp stuff, so I’ll need to talk to my teacher about that.

Spilled my guts out to a friend over the past two days with little to no reaction, too, so I guess there’s that wonderful thing too. :/

Whenever I think it’s not possible to fall lower than this I end up surprising myself. Guess I should really just suck it up though. All this depressing stuff has been ruining my life and future, and I’ve done nothing to stop it.

Can’t really feel bad for myself anymore. This sucks. Maybe I am depressed, but I guess that’d be searching for excuses to inexcusable behavior. I should stop lying.

Whatever happened to determination?

:)

Awhhh hello <3 :)

You keep me going!

lol I really thought I was going to get in trouble with my parents for a bit but it was just turned into a life lesson jesus chris t that was a trip 

i am done with life for a little bit thank you very much please let me live out the rest of this week with nothing but hugs and cuddles it’s what I really need thank you

-Caramel

Who, me?

I’m not depressed. I don’t think I’m depressed. I don’t feel depressed.

So why does everything point to me being depressed? I can’t even keep up a personal blog, which kinda sucks :/

Recently, I stumbled upon a little text-adventure game that pretty much summed up how I was feeling for the last two years or so- I can definitely turn my life around, but I just don’t. Maybe it’s a choice. Maybe it’s something I can’t control. Who knows. I blame laziness, mostly, but I’d suppose that’s a bandaid on the entire situation. I’m probably just a coward for responsibility. Here’s the game, by the way: http://www.depressionquest.com/dqfinal.html

I guess I do have my moments where everything feels like it’ll turn around and I’ll have a completely new life and all that, but I don’t think I’ve ever followed through. Sure, I definitely can make things better, but sometimes things just don’t work out. 

Hope I can do what it takes, though- I’m really banking on the hope I can clean up my own mess and pick up my slack. Being able to make choices for myself I like, having the energy to accomplish simple tasks like doing my homework and agreeing to go out with my friends. It sounds so wonderful to live without this barrier. Please, please, please. God, I just need this one wish. I’d absolutely love to live with energy and the ability to go out and do what I want to, what’s good for me- God, please, I’m sorry I didn’t have faith, I just need this one thing. Please help me out, please listen to my prayers now. I’m sorry. I really want to live without this.

Late

I feel like it’s too late to accomplish much- I’m already too deep into my school year to turn around my bio grade, I’m already too old to have a completely new personality- I’m already too late to think that I can do everything I sset my heart to. I wish things worked out as wonderful as they do in the Disney movies, the novels, and the webcomics- but maybe I feel like I should wake up from my delusions?

Who knows. I’ts too late.

Caramel

Fresh air

I'm not sure if it's just the maturity and thoughts that come with growing up, but recently so much of my mind has been taken up with thoughts and plans for the future- finally being able to accomplish goals and dreams I've had forever. Opportunities opening up to fulfill empty wishes and feelings I've had for as long as I remember, and finally being old enough to work on them- yet somehow still young enough to keep my dreams alive. Feels like I've stepped above the clouds.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this how growing up feels like?

There's so much I want to do and so little time, but maybe I can prioritize and ration myself to each and every thing I'd like to accomplish, maybe I can live more than I've ever thought I could.

When I'm all old and grey, I'm going to miss this feeling of growing up. It's alright, though- I'll make sure to treasure it as it passes.

<3 Caramel

Build me up

Another one of my packages arrived today! There’s just a few more that I’m waiting for. Though it didn’t make me feel the motivation and determination for my new life that I had earlier, it felt wonderful to dress up and look nice. :)

I walked up to a hill with some friends today and watched the sunset- average teenage things, yes, but it was pretty to see the lit city skylines and the stars hanging up in the sky.

I feel like I’ve kind of lost my energy for my new life, but that doesn’t mean I can't still make it to the finish line- I’m still willing to put in all the effort I need. By the weekend, I should be able to move in a desk and mirror into my room!

Going to visit my tài pó on Sunday, I’ll figure out what flowers to bring by then. For now, though- I should definitely sleep. Sorry for the poorly written post, I’m exhausted.

<3 Caramel

on the bright side one of my packages arrived but the quality kinda sucked :/ That one’s on me though, ordered from a bad seller

no signal

I’ve done minimal work. 3 days remain until school

Froggy pot

I’m really behind. I’m very much in deep water. I’ve got a bio exam in May, a 120-hour school project is going to finish at the end of the term, I’ve got a ton of French work to do- I’m in a froggy pot, and the water’s already well past boiling.

Not now, not now- I knew this past break has been a little extra good to me. What do I do now? What’s going to happen? At least I still have time to get myself in order. I need to prioritize, but so much of what I need to do needs strict focus and a ton of time. What do I even do? I don’t know what else I’m missing. What else has gone forgotten? Why do I always drop the ball at the end? Why do I always give up?

Will I have to put my new life aside to sink back into this? What do I do? Oh god, oh lord. I’m really scared. But I do have time. I have more time than I did in the past when procrastinating. I’ve got a little bit of a grip on this, I think.

Round two

After about half a week of chasing myself around and trying to get myself in gear again, I've finally committed to the constant effort and nose-to-the-grindstone that I need in order to get my new life. I'll do my best to clean up the rest of my room by tomorrow, and maybe get ahead on my biology studying? I've got a test on the Tuesday I get back to school, anyways.

I've also lost all sense of self-control and bought a cute pocket watch I saw online. Not too bad, but I should really get my wants in check. At least it fits the same style I want to flatter in the future, though.

Here's to hoping this midnight motivation isn't just a spring of energy before bed, and is an actual want to continue my cleaning and work!

<3 Caramel

Distraction from progress

I've been having some time off from my spring cleaning and "new life" due to some family issues. Sucks, since all I want to do is feel that fresh and giddy happiness I get when I realize I'm so close. I'm not going to talk about what has been happening specifically, but I do need to spend a lot of time with my family.

Will this be how all distractions feel in my new life? All dragging and somehow hopeless for me? Who knows- all I can do is hope that this doesn't last long. I've got plans with friends tomorrow and the day after, though- so I guess I'll need to fit more of my new life into that.

Just trying to feel better right now, not doing too well though :/

<3 Caramel

When I lose my extra weight and get a work habit and rearrange my room and get energy and work more it's over for everybody

The dissonance of facing dreams

There’s something so desperately magical about knowing that soon, an old dream of yours is about to come true. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to live the clean and fresh life of “that asian kid“- the pocky-fueled, day-planning, goldfish-having kid with a metric ton of cute clothing and a futon in their room- not to mention, high As in every class.

And recently, I’ve been getting closer to that dream than I ever thought I could- I’ve had to pay for my own clothes, work my own job, and clean up my room- stained with the years of a depressing, apathetic, indifferent personality. But impossibly, everything started to fall into place. I finally scrapped up enough energy to get up and clean, start to integrate myself into my new personality, start to see my dream come true- and it felt enchanting.

It didn’t feel real. 

Is this me?

Did I work hard enough?

Am I dreaming?

My body no longer feels like some costume I couldn’t take off, I no longer see a stranger when I look into the mirror. I take care of myself. It feels so real, yet so unreal. I feel like I’m the one moving my arms. This couldn’t have happened, but it’s happening? I’m not there yet, but I can tell- there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can already feel the sun on my face, and the breeze by my ear.

Hey, old me- can you see me now? If I could cry, I think I would. I’m about to live a life I wouldn’t have dared to dream up when I was younger. I think, maybe, I’m about to become someone I’ve always wanted to be? 

If I’m dreaming, I wish I could stay asleep forever. The rest of the world can wait.

<3

First day in a life between lives

I’m in a really great mood today! I left my house- it felt really weird to be leaving while not completely integrated into either my old or new personality yet. Going out with friends, it felt similar to how I used to feel being dragged out, but more enjoyable- and somehow, brighter?

Not much cleaning has been done today, but I’ve still got ten days to get my new life together! I should probably get some more cleaning done before I go to bed, so that’s what I’m off to do once I’m done writing this post.

One more thing I’ve done that I’m really proud of- I’ve shown my blog to one of my closest friends!! It feels so good to have told someone else about my new life/personality, and I hope that having someone know about it will keep me on track and accomplishing my dreams!! Oh hello avocado friend :))))))

I’ll post again tomorrow, or maybe sometime tonight before I sleep. For now though, I’m leaving today feeling so accomplished! 

<3 Caramel

A distinct lack of energy

Aaaaaaugh I just typed out an entire post and it was automatically deleted because I took too long. All I really need to write is that for some reason I’m getting tired. I’ll be at the mall later today so I’ll take lot of pictures of what I’m planning to get for my sweet sweet dream life.

<3 Caramel

New life, new motivations??

I feel like a new person. I don’t know what the mental switch was, but I really do feel like someone completely different. For the first time in so, so, long, today I got the urge to exercise! I’m saying goodbye to lying on the floor and never wanting to get up for the rest of my life, goodbye to my horrid self-isolation and unmotivated slugging around. I feel like I’ve stumbled upon something wonderful!

And even though I’m not living in my dream room or wearing my dream clothing, or even have dream grades- I feel so much better just living as a different person, crossing over through lives from a saggy, depressing one to a completely new and bright one! I couldn’t be happier for my personality of smoke and mirrors- after practicing, I can convince even myself that I have likes and dislikes now. I’ve started to enjoy actually doing things, and have been making myself a whole heck of a lot happier meanwhile.

After measuring myself, I can tell that I’ve definitely gained some weight from my prime. No worries, though- now that I’ve started working out again, and am enjoying it, I’m sure I’ll get it all off before my clothes arrive!

For now, though- it’s getting very late. I’ll be setting my alarm really early, excited for tomorrow for once. I honestly cannot believe how quickly I’ve started living in this personality! It feels so fresh to be productive and have the energy to do things now. I’m almost living my dream, I can tell! So, so close.

Goodbye for now, I’ll write tomorrow!

<3 Caramel

A larger image of my room plan!

A possible turnaround

Though it’s been a while since I’ve started my new room project, I’ve surprisingly faced no burnout so far. It seems like life’s being suspiciously nice to me, which gets me a bit on edge- but I’ll do my best to enjoy it while I can.

My parents have approved of my drawings for my room plan, thankfully. That’s a greenlight for me to continue to clean up completely motivated! And even though I can’t exactly feel it on account of some amount of emotional numbness, I do prefer the kind of energy I’m getting from this than anything I’ve felt before. It’s just a happy feeling, out of the blue, unprompted. I no longer want to do nothing, sink into the ground, or cry- I just want to continue and smile?

It feels good to make progress on accomplishing my dream! I’ve also made a custom search engine for myself earlier today- just to fit my dream as well.

Usually I’d show it to my friends, but if they ask why, “I’m trying to change my entire personality and life” doesn’t exactly sound swell from the other end. No worries though- they’ll know a completely different person by the end of this!

I’m off to clean, I’ll make another post later! 

<3 Caramel

Little effort, little give

I ended up cleaning up most of the floor and a couple corners of my room. It's really, really, messy. Tomorrow's Monday, and that's when March break officially starts- so maybe I'll be able to wake up early and clean up my bed and desk area? Hopefully my closet can be cleaned out too.

After thinking for a while, I've decided to pack all the stuff I'd like to keep and bring into my future room into boxes as if I were moving- it'll keep me minimal and I think it'll really help.

For now, though- I haven't even been able to find a box to put my things into. Instead, I'm using garbage bags.

Not too much of a looker. But once my room's done, I swear everything will look great! That's right- I'm hopeful for once. So hopeful, in fact, that I've drawn out a little plan for what my room will look like- hopefully by the end of the break!

A big goal to be finished in a week and a half- I hope it all end well.

It's pretty late right now, so while I'm so focused on turning my life around, I'll be fixing my sleep schedule too. My grades are next!

<3 Caramel

No battery, works just fine

Woke up at noon today and decided to spend whatever scraps of energy I have left trying to clean my room. It's a real mess. Hopefully, though, I can have a proper cleanout- and maybe arrange it in a way that suits my dream! Or at least, the starting dream in a line of many.

I'll make updates on my room during the few days I'll spend making it completely different- so I can look back on it and hopefully see all the hard work that was put into it!

See that, life?! I'm still burnt out, but I'm going to keep working- I'll be getting straight 98s like my sister by the end of the year, I swear!!

Small town syndrome in a big, big, city?

My grandma dropped something off for me to eat, she kept asking me questions about my sister. Everyone's proud of my sister- and for good reason, I guess. She always wears nice clothes, keeps all her grades in the 98s or so, and wins a ton of RG competitions.

It feels even worse eating fast food now, thinking of what I could have been. What an extraordinary family, with such a failure slapped into it. I need an escape from this life, I think.

It feels a lot like the 'small town syndrome' that people who live far from big cities and stores get, the feeling of "I need to get out of here".

Thank goodness it's spring break, though- now I have time to clean myself up from all this garbage I've surrounded myself with.

I really hope I can- I'll pack together all the motivation and energy I have left into this one project.

Same me, new plans

Woke up today and ate some leftover pizza from the fridge. It always feels so greasy and never makes me feel okay. My grandma was already going to drop off lunch for me but I guess I have no self-control.

Always thinking of an idealistic life where I can live like the rest of the put-together asian kids you'd see in a k or c-drama, I can't really get myself in the moment now. But during the occasional moment of clarity in the present that I have every so often, I can see that I'm pretty much in shambles.

I should be exercising, cleaning my room, wearing nicer clothing, studying for school- why do I load myself up with APs even though I never do homework? I'll never know. I guess I like to live out some aspects of my dream life while neglecting others.

I want to get out of this greasy failure life and live out my dreams as someone who's put together and productive.

First post

Testing, testing!

Welcome to my new blog- or at least, what I’d like it to be.

Originally, I had a WordPress blog in which I tried to post everyday, but that became a flop extremely quickly when I lost motivation. I plan to move back to it someday, since I’ve got a thing for originals- but for now, small posts are to be made every so often here on this blog! Welcome to my personal life. :)