Oh No He’s Leaking

Happy Birthday, Ace!

Hon I can't believe no one had asked this but can I have some crack nsfw with the admirals? And Van augur pretty please? Make them as funny as possible I s2g I love your writings so much bless you

I’M GONNA SCREAM ILOVE YOU!

(ah yes, the VanAugur. The vondle angst. The Vroom Afternoon. The Vehicle Assblast.)

Akainu:

Thought it wouldbe sexy for some little Boss/Secretary roleplay. But ended upscolding his partner for breaking important company rules with anhour long lecture. That was not sexy at all.

Probably caughtsheets on fire once.

You know whenyou’re about to relax/sleep and you had forgotten to do something, soyou just kind of JOLT violently? Akainu does that. Akainu does thatwhile he’s doing the backwards, parallel parking, beta test tango.It’s not fun, at all. (And then you have to deal with him screaming“THE PAPERWORK.”)

Aokiji:

“There’s no needto be ice cold right now.” “Fifteen seconds away from stranglingyou.”

Can hold the mostcasual conversations in bed. Just talking about his day while he’snailing away, NBD.

His partner pulledhis hair and they had to stop and brush it out. You think he takescare of his hair? No. No he doesn’t.

Kizaru:

Lights his dickup. It’s a rave party in his pants.

He left hissunglasses on once during the entirety of the act. They didn’t evenshift from their spot at all.

Kizaru lovesbragging about his sex life to Akainu and Akainu alone. Why? BecauseAkainu’s a prude who gets dumped after two dates (probably.)

Fujitora:

Partner asked himto talk dirty once and he FROZE. “U-Uhm… I think, though notreally, you might have misbehaved?”

He’s made a dadjoke while balls deep in his partner. You’re welcome.

Literally so sweetI can’t even make crack hcs. Like, this man would stop and get hispartner lunch if they vaguely mentioned it.

Van Augur:

I know I’vementioned that he has terrible aim. But come on, Augur, on the walls?The walls???

Everyone thinks heknows what he’s doing, but honestly he just wings it. Tell no one,it’s his secret. His shame (besides his weird hat.)

His partner triedto take off his weird glasses/goggles and had to spend way too muchtime figuring out if they were proper glasses or goggles.

a moment of respite.

when i tell jokes to my friends… i’m the only one that laughs. 

Relationship hcs for Van Augur?

It was only fate that brought this ask to me. (I love this dude’s style. Just sayin’.)

Van Augur Relationship Headcanons:

Van is a protective boyfriend. No matter the situation, he’s always on the lookout for any kind of potential danger that might target his partner. If he feels they’re threatened, he’s prone to shooting the culprit first and asking questions about the attack later.

When he and his partner go out, Van Augur likes to take his partner out for some fine dining. He likes how classy they look and enjoys making them feel like royalty. He gets recommendations for restaurants from Lafitte.

You wouldn’t guess it, but Van gets flustered really easily. All his partner has to do is saunter over to him, touch his cheek, and place a little kiss on his nose. After that, he’s all red ears and awkwardness, diverting his gaze to the side to hide his shyness. This goes double if his partner does this in front of Blackbeard and the crew.

Despite his seemingly emotionless demeanor, Van is actually really talented at soothing a crying s/o. He doesn’t freak out like some men and, instead, wraps his arms around them and calmly talks them out of their hysterics. Once they’ve settled down a little, he’ll ask them what upset them and listen closely.

Van and his partner sleep in separate rooms, even though neither is uncomfortable being intimately close. This is because Van snores like a motor engine and keeps his partner up late into the night. His room has to be soundproofed for the crew’s sake. 

Following Lafitte, Van is the most gentlemanly person on the crew. He puts his s/o’s needs above his own, such as using his cape to protect them from the rain during a storm.

While it isn’t usually possible, Van tries to limit the amount of time his partner has to spend with his crew. For the most part, this is because he doesn’t want his crewmates to bother his partner with their eccentric natures, but there are a couple men that he worries will try to steal his s/o from him. 

Every morning, Van and his partner watch birds while the sun is rising. 

Gun boy

"You are, at the moment, the luckiest person in Whitestone. Do you know why? Because you're at the bottom of my List."

Scanlan tries to flirt with Cassandra (1x10)

You fool, your soul is forfeit!