Smooch!

Modern AU - Tax Time, or Gentleman in the Streets, Freak in the (Excel) Sheets

Lan Wangji is an IRS auditor, recently transferred to the city. He’s sent to audit Lotus Piers Shipping after a few red flags were raised in their tax filings, his first audit in this city. When he arrives, he finds absolute chaos and gets annoyed about how little organization there is and how long it takes the receptionist to find the documents he needs. And then when he finds out there’s evidence of embezzlement and fraud…

Let’s just say he and Wei Wuxian don’t have the best of all meetings. It gets even worse when Jiang Cheng jumps in and blows up about it all because hey don’t talk to my brother like that, and brother why are you so stupid to fuck up the taxes like that.

(This involves LWJ using increasingly specific tax statutes and IRS internal rulings and the Jiang boys are just like…. Dude… touch grass…)

So Lan Wangji tells them everything they need to redo and what documents they need before giving them notice that he’ll be back in 90 days to go back over everything and if things aren’t like they were represented to the government and/or there hasn’t been an amended return filed things will not go well.

Meanwhile, LWJ and WWX keep bumping into each other… or rather LWJ keeps seeing WWX whenever he goes out into the city. Co-op owned farmers market? WWX haggling with old grannies and flirting with everyone as Wen Ning and Wen Yuan follow around behind him. Soup kitchen volunteer? WWX is kept on coffee refill duty, with Granny Wen and Uncle Four keeping a close eye on him to make sure he stays there.

Eventually LWJ is like. Sir, stalking me will not help your case. And WWX loses it laughing. LWJ has no idea how to deal with it so he just. Leaves his shopping basket in the middle of the Aldi to sit in his car and contemplate all the life choices that lead him here.

(Lots of internal screaming about the situation. Hot man is bad at tax and adulting is not the situation LWJ ever thought he’d be attracted to but here we are.)

Eventually it comes out that WWX and JC are essentially rebuilding Lotus Pier from the ground up after a family tragedy burned everything down and killed the rest of the family. So basically one business major with only two years of experience and one community college drop out with loads of customer service experience are trying to make a come back, despite other big corporations trying to make a move into their business.

(Looking at you Golden Carp Transport. Lots of shady there, and yet…)

The Wens were also left homeless from the fire, a huge, sprawling family from the northern part of the city, so WWX has essentially brought all of his second family in to help work it.

LWJ has a lightbulb moment and is like o. I fucked up. Hot man is bad at tax, but good at people.

JC is surprised when the Tax Man Cometh again, this time barging in, dropping a giant, color coded, tabbed, highlighted, and very detailed binder on his desk at 6 am, and being like. Here’s all the deductions to take, credits to take, and btw a list of clientele that are stuck in with Golden Carp hint hint nudge nudge, new customers do I have to literally hit you over the head with this or do you get it

JC, after his initial gtfo of my office moment, is like. Wait. What did my brother do to make you do this? What dirt does he have on you? Because pretty sure blackmailing a government official is very very illegal and legalities have not stopped him before.

LWJ has an immediate oh fuck, I’m being perceived moment and is just like. Tell your brother I did this and I will make you the most miserable of all people. And just … fucks off.

JC just groans and is like. How does my brother find these people? And gets to work.

When the 90 days are up, a different Lan comes by all smiley and tells them their refilling has been accepted and very well done on it. Meanwhile, WWX, who has very much been ‘Notice me Senpai’ every time he sees LWJ is like. What?

And LX gives him an updated version of, why does my brother like you again? He’s risking his employment for this?

So ofc the next time WWX sees LWJ he’s just like. I like you, I love you even though you’re a numbers nerd, please come home with me. And LWJ vows to make JC miserable, but later, after he shows WWX that he’s a freak both in excel sheets and in the bed sheets.

(This would involve a lot of math and accounting puns that WWX spent hours at work looking up on Google and trying out on the Lotus Pier accountant, who is just like. Sir. I’m trying to close the month and reconcile, I can’t read your brothers handwriting is this a 5 or an 8, please take your bad stand up else where.)

I find it kind of stupid how 'half full' vs 'half empty' is framed as an optimist/pessimist thing. If it starts full and gets halfway drained, it's half empty. If it starts empty and gets halfway filled, it's half full. If you don't know the starting state it's both simultaneously.

WIP!!!

Imagining a hualian mermaid au where hua cheng is a mermaid

When he was younger some poachers caught him and they marveled at his bright red tail. he tried his best to cover it with seaweed and stay out of sight

But he gets caught

Xie Lian happens to be sailing nearby and he spots the poachers and demands they release honghong er

Honghong er is frightened by it all and swims away. He spends the rest of his youth hiding in an underwater cave. Never does he forget the kind human who saved him

Xie Lian’s village is destroyed by the poachers who turn out to be pirates because of this act. Then he is kidnapped by the pirates and made a slave aboard their boat

He tries to stay upbeat and kind toward the other victims and prisoners he encounters but it’s *hard*

Meanwhile, Hua Cheng makes a name for himself as the terror of the seas. You know he is near when the waves turn crimson

He spots this ship and attacks it for entering his domain—a haven where merfolk are safe from humankind. He watches the pirates begin to drown, a smile on his face

Then he spots one—an unconscious man in tattered white robes—a face he could never forget. He races Xie Lian to the surface and resuscitates him. Pleading with his savior to stay with him. To stay alive.

Xie Lian wakes up. He instantly recognizes Hua Cheng. He smiles.

“It’s you,” he whispers, placing a hand on the merman’s cheek. He never stopped thinking of the mermaid. He never regretted saving him.

Hua Cheng just stares and stares and stares. Disbelieving. He treats his beloved’s wounds. He can’t speak above the surface. His vocal cords don’t work right.

Xie Lian remains on a small island while he heals. Hua Cheng hunts fish for him and watches the human cook it. Xie Lian talks at length about where he is from and the life he’s lived. Hua Cheng listens with rapt attention

One day, when Xie Lian has recovered, and meat has returned to his bones, Hua Cheng offers him, on a thin silver chain, a ring made of his own scales.

When Xie Lian puts it on, he transforms into a merman. An elegant one with a pretty white and gold scaled tail.

They go to Hua Cheng’s domain and Xie Lian quickly picks up the language of the merfolk

Hua Cheng explains that Xie Lian can take off the necklace at any time and return to his human life up on land. To return home.

“Maybe I’ll visit someday,” Xie Lian smiles. “But as far as Im concerned I *am* home.”

Wei Wuxian: So I've tried every talisman, array, curse, whatever, that I can think of, and I do think it's actually impossible for me to get pregnant.

Shen Qingqiu: Oh. That's something you want to do. Well in my world it's been theorized that impregnating a man would not be beyond the powers of a demon lord, but I haven't allowed Binghe to try and figure out if it's true. Ha! With all the ridiculous shit Airplane added to my world I wouldn't be surprised if we have a plant or spell or something that can let a man get pregnant.

Wei Wuxian: ...what.

Xie Lian: My world has a pill that a man can take to let him get pregnant.

Wei Wuxian: you're telling me that both of your worlds have male pregnancy aids?

Shen Qingqiu: hey, I only said that I wouldn't be surprised if it did...

Xie Lian: Actually I could probably change genders to get pregnant too. Or I could impregnate San Lang. I guess there are a few different options.

Wei Wuxian: ....

Wei Wuxian tapping the glass of his enclosure: I want to talk to the person in charge here. MXTX I need a word.

the wildest thing about lan wangji is the way he’s immediately enraged at his own feelings for wei wuxian. because we’ve seen wei wuxian fall in love slowly and surely, right? he goes from a quick interest to an oblivious attraction to liking lan wangji then being infatuated after his return to life, then to straight-up loving the guy intensely. we watch him develop his sexual and romantic attraction equally.

but lan wangji’s different. from the very first second he’s desperately smitten — all it took was one sly smile and he was going through the four stages of love: the desire to marry, kiss, bed and die with him. and he’s so goddamn outraged, because how dare this troublemaker trespass into his house and steal his heart so easily??

he was so conflicted that he didn’t see any other alternative if not to unsheathe his sword and fight the hell out of that idiot. feelings?? for a rebellious teenager?? right in front of my clan’s three thousand rules??? not today, devil.

"Turns out, he's pretty chill" ahh fanart

"A boy who consumes cursed objects"

Oh suguru you would've loved Yuji 🤧

"And a boy who was blesses with a unique curse technique"

Lan Xichen: Sang-di, are you the one who started the rumors that Wangji and Wei Wuxian were married?

Nie Huaisang: Yes. Honestly, I'm ashamed I didn't start the rumors while Wei-gongzi was alive

Lan Xichen: Why would you do such a thing?

Nie Huaisang: Stress relief

Lan Xichen: What?

Nie Huaisang: You know how stressful being a sect leader is. And who's going to correct the rumors? The dead guy? Or the guy acting like a grieving widow over the dead guy?

A-Li best girl