“Hell No, I Could Kill You Where You Stand. I’m No Pet, I’m A Married Man.”

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Disclaimer: all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them are mine.

happy valentines day

people are always like "Oh a vampire wouldn't get horny while drinking someone's blood, that's like getting horny while eating a sandwich" and like man have you never had a really good fucking sandwich?

So I remember some of the most wildest porn videos I have seen. I'm not talking kink-wise, I'm talking just dudes with some horses. Hung by the gods themselves.

There was some German dude with a ungodly fucking weapon in between his legs, and he won't show his face he only shows the lower half of his body. And at first I'm like okay this is going to be like this dude doing a solo jerk off or something, because I don't see anybody else.

But then, this dude pulls out it's like a pocket pussy but it also has like a chest and sort of like shoulders? It's like a pocket pussy with a torso and a bit of chest.

This dude squirts on a shit ton of lube, slatters that fucking Master sword, and just Rams that mother fucker in to this poor toy. And I can see the tip literally fucking protruding in between the rib cage of that toy.

And I'm like okay so he doesn't prep the toy or maybe I'm just stupid and you don't have to, and maybe this is going to be one of those hot sensual wanks with a toy.

No dude, I feel so bad for this toy. He was tearing that shit up, and then on top of that I guess the dude has a hard time holding his load? Because the poor toy was literally squirting back out his own baby batter.

And he was getting so particularly rough with the poor toy that his cock popped through halfway at the chest.

And my dumbass was thinking oh wow that toy is so lucky, but then I realized if I were to happen to me I would fucking die.

Never in my life have I ever been so scared of seeing a big dick in a video, until that day.

And then as I'm reminiscing about it, that just reminds me of Konig from call of duty I don't know why. But I always imagine that character who has a fucking demon in between his pants ripping apart toys with it.

thE FUCKING TEXT IS STILL SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME IM GONNA FUCKIGN PSIS MYSELF

i dont think i ever posted this here but i adore the idea of splicing together bumper stickers