Maybe If We Went Inside

7/3/19

9:20am

I feel like fuck. My head hurts. My stomach is killing me. Stress ulcers maybe?

My heart has also been acting up again, every anxiety pang gets my heart to skip and palpitate. Which unfortunately is way more often than not. 

Wondering if my iron is low, got that stupid blood disorder that ruins everything if my eating is ‘off’.

I’m also shaking a bit, my hands are just shaking lightly.

Just going to smoke some, calm my nerves, and try and rest.

It’ll pass. Time passing is inevitable, this won’t last forever. I just gotta tough it out.

Fucking tired.

If only it could be so easy

Having a rough week after a longer period with low symptoms is really hard.

I’m feeling as if life was punishing my for feeling to strong and confident.

Reginald Hargreeves @ Klaus

hiding secrets in the wishing well

I hate when he holds me or shows me any affection. It feels dirty, wrong, unwanted. Most of the time I ignore it, but when It happens I feel like I’m cheating on you. I suppose that's a funny thought...We’re not even together, but... I still feel like I belong to you. I feel stuck between two worlds. I can’t help these feelings. I am so afraid of it welling up in me and threatening to spill. I’ve never felt a love like this before. I think I’ll love you forever, no matter what happens. You make me so happy. I wish I could tell you just how much you really mean to me... It’s been a while and I wish I knew how you feel about me at this point in time....but I am honestly too scared to attempt to ask at this point. I’m scared it might just be the same answer as before. If it is I would rather not know, and just stay happy in my daydreams. 

By the time you find this, I will be dead. I am leaving this app open on my unlocked phone near my body.

I’m sorry that by this time tomorrow I won’t be around anymore. Im sorry I couldn’t contribute enough. Sorry I was too sick.

Dear mom/family.

I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I was a failure. I’m sorry I wasted time. I wish I could have been a better kid. Im sorry I wasn’t the daughter/sister/aunt you wanted. Im sorry I don’t even know what or who I am. I’m sorry I was just a problem. I’m sorry I was so sick. Such a burden on you all. I deserved what I got.

Dear sister,

I love you and I’m sorry. I miss you. I never told you how I was feeling.. You wont forgive me I know. I cant forgive myself either. Im an awful awful sister. I deserve this.

Dear best friend,

I love you. I’m sorry. My head is too broken. Im too tired. You tried so hard to help me but I failed you. I’m a terrible failure. I will never forgive myself for disappointing you. You were my world. I loved you more than words could express. But it was never meant to be. I’m sorry. Im sorry I wont be around anymore. Im sorry we wont get to do all that we wanted and dreamed. I’ll miss you for eternity.

Dear myself,

I hate you. I hope you rot. You horrible disgusting disappointing failure. You’re a fucking burden. You deserve this.

Goodbye.

Love,

Amanda/Des/Blair

🖤

shoutout to people with simultaneously great and terrible memories. like oh yeah i remember in perfect detail that random story you told about the banana costume from a year ago but all of novemeber? completely blank.