Latest Posts by foggedupforsaken - Page 6
is there anyone out there with a nyt cooking subscription
will they send me the chamomile tea cake with strawberry icing recipe
The fact that Microsoft Word has to be a subscription is upsetting. I already paid for it why do I have to pay again
Can all the tumblr homosexuals agree to stop buying chick fil a. It's so depressing that across the board lgbt people and supporters are indifferent to chick fil a and feel fine buying it. Can we at least stigmatize it here
P.3 Common Herbs A-Z
This is O-Z of some common herbs and their uses
*longer read*
Olive
Fidelity
Marriage
Peace
Money
Assures fidelity in love and is used to attract a marriage partner. Inspires fruitfulness and security in love, family, and business.
Onion
Prosperity
Stability
Endurance
Protection
Burn onion flowers to banish bad habits and negative influences. Cut onions in half and place in the corners of a room to absorb illness, then bury or burn the onion halves in the morning. Sacred to the moon.
Orange
Attracts abundance and happiness through love and marriage.
Concentrate on a yes/no question while eating an orange, then count the seeds -- an even number of seeds means the answer is no, an odd number of seeds means yes. Use the leaves and flowers in love rituals to bring on a marriage proposal. Add an infusion of orange to the bath to increase attractiveness and beauty.
Orange peel
Love
Divination
Luck
Money
House & business blessing
Add to love sachets to help someone make up their mind. Use in sachets & amulets to bring luck to business negotiations.
Orchid
Concentration
Strengthening memory
Focus
Will power
Oregano
Joy
Strength
Vitality
Added energy
Paprika
Use to add energy to any spell or mixture. Throw in someone's yard to cause them problems.
Parsley
Calms and protects the home
Draws prosperity
Financial increase
Luck
Restores a sense of well-being
Use in spells to increase strength & vitality after surgery or illness. Use in amulets or other magickal workings to help yourself out of a rut. Eat to provoke lust and promote fertility. Place on plates of food to guard against contamination. Useful for bath magick to purify and end misfortune. Mix with jasmine and carry in your shoe to make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Parsnip
Male sex magick
Pear
Lust
Love
Eating pears induces love. Use dried fruit in amulets and sachets for love and lust.
Pea
Money
Love
Peppermint
Use to increase the vibrations of a space or in spells and incense for healing & purification. Place in sleep pillow to ensure peaceful sleep and bring about prophetic dreams. Use to anoint furnishings and household objects. Burn in a new home to clear out sickness and negative energy. Use in magickal workings to provide the push needed to bring change to one's life. Carry with other herbs to boost love & abundance wishes.
Pine
Promotes clean breaks, new beginnings, prosperity, success, strength, grounding, and growth; Also used for cleansing, purification, and repelling negativity. Great for house and business blessing.
Pineapple
Luck
Money
Chastity
Add an infusion of pineapple to the bath to attract luck.
Plum
Healing
Peace
Love
Poppy
Fertility
Prosperity
Love
Abundance
Potato
Image magick
Money
Luck
Healing
Pumpkin
Lunar magick
Radish
Protection
Lust
Rhubarb
Fidelity
Protection
Rose
Divine love
Close friendships
Domestic peace/happiness
Lasting relationships
Great for use in incense, potpourri or bath magick. Place around sprains and dark bruises to help them heal faster.
Rosemary
Carried and used in healing poppets for good health, used in love/lust spells, worn to improve memory, used in dream pillows to prevent nightmares, burned as incense for purification and removing negativity. Wear or carry while reading or completing tasks to improve memory of the material and aid clear thinking (great for students!). Use an infusion of rosemary to wash hands before any healing magick. Use in bath magick for purification. Associated with faeries.
Saffron
Aphrodisiac
Love
Healing
Happiness
Wind raising
Lust
Strength
Burn, wear, or carry for healing and strengthening psychic awareness. Commonly used in love magick, healing spells, and to control the weather. Wash hands with water and saffron or keep saffron sachets in your home to bring happiness.
Sage
Used for self purification and dealing with grief and loss. Carried to improve mental ability and bring wisdom. Used in healing sachets & incense. Promotes spiritual, mental, emotional & physical health and longevity. Removes negative energy. Place near a personal object of a person who is ailing when performing healing spells or rituals. Write a wish on a sage leaf and place it under your pillow for 3 nights -- if you dream of your wish, it will come true; if not, bury the leaf in the ground so that no bad will come to you.
Sea salt
Uses include cleansing crystals, purification, grounding, protection magick and ritual. Used on the altar to represent the Earth. Used with water for asperging, sea spells, consecration and casting circles. Used with garlic and rosemary to banish evil.
Shallot
Add an infusion of shallots to the bath for luck.
St Johns wort
Worn to prevent colds & fevers. Placed under pillow to induce prophetic, romantic dreams. Protects against all forms of baneful witchcraft. Place in a jar in a window or burn in a fireplace to protect from lightning, fire and evil spirits. Used for banishing, protection & blessing. Carry to strengthen courage and convictions or when confronting nasty situations. Burn to banish spirits and demons. Used in divination for the care of crystals. Note: Can be poisonous, use with caution.
Star anise
Burned as incense to increase psychic awareness & abilities. Placed on the altar to increase the power generated. Carried to bring luck.
Strawberry
Attracts success, good fortune, and favorable circumstances. Served as a love food. Leaves are carried for luck. Pregnant women carry a packet of the leaves to ease the pain of pregnancy and childbirth.
Sugar
Love spells
Sex magick
Sunflower
Energy
Protection
Power
Wisdom
Wishes
Sweet pea
Attracts friends and allies; Draws the loyalty and affection of others.
Sweet potato
Image magick
Tangerine
Promotes energy
Strength
Vitality
Awakens joy and dissolves negativity
Tea leaves
Use in talismans for courage or strength. Use as a base for lust drinks. Burn leaves to ensure future riches.
Tea tree
Eliminating confusion
Increasing harmony
Thyme
Attracts loyalty
Affection
The good opinion of others
Wear a sprig to ward off unbearable grief or provide strength and courage when needed. Burn or hang in the home for banishing, purification, and to attract good health for all occupants. Use in cleansing baths prior to working candle magick. Use in dream pillows to ward off nightmares and ensure restful sleep. Add a thyme infusion to the bath regularly to ensure a constant flow of money. Place in a jar and keep in the home or at work for good luck.
Tobacco
Promotes peace
Confidence
Personal strength
Banishing
Mix with salt and burn with a black candle to win a court case.
Tomato
Love spells
Turnip
Ending relationships
Vinegar
Banishing
Binding
Averting evil
Walnut
Access to divine energy
Bringing the blessing of the Gods
Wishes
Watercress
Lunar magick
Sex magick
Witch Hazel
Chastity
Protection
Carry to ease grief over a lost love. Use in a sachet to reduce passions. Use in love spells and spells to ward off evil.
And as always, merry meet <3
Atti <3
(photo - attichaos)
P.2 Common Herbs A-Z
This is D-N of some common herbs and their uses
*longer read*
Daffodil
Love
Luck
Fertility
Used to keep negative energy away from the home or altar. Place fresh daffodils in the home to increase fertility. Wear near the heart to bring good luck.
Daisy
Love
Luck
Innocence
Associated with babies and newborn infants. Incorporate into baby blessings & Wiccanings or to bring protective Magick into a baby's sleeping area. Wear or carry to draw love.
Dandelion leaf
Summoning spirits
Healing
Purification
Defeating negativity.
Bury in northwest corner of yard to bring favorable winds. Use in sachets and charms to make wishes come true.
Dandelion root
Divination
Wishes
Calling spirits
Use in dream pillows & sachets for sleep protection. Bury on northwest side of house to draw good luck.
Eucalyptus
Protection
Healing
Use to purify any space. Use dried leaves to stuff healing poppets, pillows, or sachets. Arrange a ring of dried leaves around a blue candle and burn the candle for healing vibrations. Carry in a sachet or amulet to help reconcile difficulties in a relationship, for protection, and/or to maintain health.
Fenugreek
Money drawing
Fertility magick
Use in floor washes to bring money to the home. Place in a jar and add a few seeds every day to increase money flow to the household.
Fern
Mental clarity
Cleansing
Purification
Dispelling negativity
Keep in room where studying is done to help concentration. Burn a sprig of fern before an exam. Use in sachets and amulets for powerful auric protection.
Fig
Divination
Fertility
Love
Place a branch in front of the door before traveling to ensure a safe return. Write a question on a fig leaf -- if the leaf dries slowly, the answer is yes, otherwise the answer is no.
Figwort
House & business blessing
Protection for the home
Wear around the neck for health and protection against the evil eye. *Poisonous*
Foxglove
Protection of home & garden
Vision
Immortality
Used to commune with those of the Underworld. *Poisonous*
Garlic
Healing
Protection
Exorcism
Repulsion of vampires
Purification of spaces and objects
Used to invoke Hecate. Guards against negative magic, spirits, and the envy of others. Hang in the home to bring togetherness to the family or keep your willpower strong. Said to ward off bad weather when worn or carried during outside activities. Believed to absorb diseases -- rub fresh, peeled garlic against ailing body parts then throw the garlic into running water.
Geranium
Overcoming negative thoughts & attitudes, lifting spirits, promoting protection & happiness. Repels insects. Balances mind and body.
Ginger
Draws adventure and new experiences. Promotes sensuality, sexuality, personal confidence, prosperity, and success.
Adds to the strength and speed of any mixture of which it is a part. Place in amulet, mojo, or medicine bag to promote good health & protection. Use in herbal mixtures for the consecration of athames to strengthen and energize the ritual blade. A ginger root in the form of a human is a very powerful magickal token.
Grape
Fertility
Money
Mental powers
Garden magick
Hemlock
Use to paralyze a situation.
*Highly poisonous, do not consume.*
Hibiscus
Attracting love and lust, divination, and dreams.
Carry in a sachet or burn as incense to attract love.
Honeysuckle
Draws money
Success
Quick abundance
Aids persuasiveness and confidence, sharpens intuition.
Ring green candles with honeysuckle flowers or use honeysuckle in charms & sachets to attract money. Crush the flowers and rub into the forehead to enhance psychic powers.
Hyacinth
Promotes peace of mind and peaceful sleep. Attracts love, luck, and good fortune.
Named for Hiakinthos, Greek God of homosexual love, this is the patron herb for gay men. Guards against nightmares when used as an oil, burned as incense, or included in dream pillows. Carry in amulet or sachet to ease grief or the pain of childbirth.
Hydrangea
Hex-breaking
Love drawing
Lringing back a lover
Fidelity
Binding
Ivy
Protection
Healing
Fertility
Love
Hang an ivy plant in front of the home to repel negative influence and discourage unwanted guests. Mix in a sachet with Holly as a wedding gift to provide protection to the newly married couple. Place ground ivy around the base of a yellow candle on a Tuesday, then burn the candle to discover who (if anyone) is working negative magick against you.
Jasmine
Uses include snakebite and divination; good for charging quartz crystals. Use in sachets and spells to draw spiritual love and attract a soul mate. Carry or burn the flowers to draw wealth and money. Use in dream pillows to induce sleep or burn in the bedroom to bring prophetic dreams. Helps to promote new, innovative ideas.
Lavender
Love
Protection
Healing
Sleep
Purification
Peace
Promotes healing from depression. Great in sleep pillows and bath spells. Believed to preserve chastity when mixed with rosemary. Burn the flowers to induce sleep and rest, then scatter the ashes around the home to bring peace and harmony. Use in love spells and sachets, especially those to attract men.
Lemon
Cleansing
Spiritual opening
Purification
Removal of blockages
Add lemon peel to love sachets and mixtures. Soak peel in water and use the mixture as a wash for magickal objects to remove unwanted negativity, especially for objects received second-hand. Use an infusion of lemon to induce lust.
Lemon balm
Love
Success
Healing
Psychic/spiritual development
Use in love charms & spells to attract a partner. Use in healing spells & rituals for those suffering from mental or nervous disorders.
Lemongrass
Psychic cleansing
Opening
Also used in lust spells.
Lettuce
Divination
Lunar magick
Sleep
Protection
Love spells
Male sex magick
Lily
Fertility
Renewal
Rebirth
Marriage
Happiness
Prosperity
Lime
Purification
Protection
Promoting calmness and tranquility
Strengthening love
Mint
Promotes energy
Communication and vitality
Draws customers to a business
Use dried leaves to stuff a green poppet for healing. Place in wallet or purse or rub on money to bring wealth and prosperity. Use on the altar to draw good spirits to assist in your magick. Place in the home for protection.
Mugwort
Carried to increase lust & fertility
Prevent backache
Cure disease & madness
Place around divination and scrying tools to increase their power or near the bed to enable astral travel. Use in sleep pillow or place in a sachet under your pillowcase to bring about prophetic dreams. Use an infusion of mugwort to clean crystal balls and magick mirrors. *Toxic in large amounts*
Nettle
Dispelling darkness & fear
Strengthening the will
Aiding in the ability to handle emergencies
Sprinkle in the home to drive off evil & negativity. Carry in a sachet or use with a poppet to turn back a spell on the one who cast it. Sprinkle on self to remove petty jealousies, gossip, envy, and uncomfortable situations.
Nutmeg
Attracting money/prosperity
Bringing luck
Protection
Breaking hexes
Include in money magick and sachets. Carry as a good luck charm and/or to increase the intellect. Sprinkle nutmeg powder on green candles for prosperity.
And as always, merry meet <3
Atti
(photo - attichaos)
P.1 Common Herbs A-Z
This is A-C of some common herbs and their uses
*longer read*
Acorn
Good luck
Protection
Wisdom
Personal power
A dried acorn is an excellent natural amulet for keeping a youthful appearance.
Allspice
Money
Luck
Healing
Obtaining treasure
Provides added determination and energy to any spells and charms. Burn crushed allspice to attract luck and money. Use in herbal baths for healing.
Almond
Wisdom
Money
Fruitfulness
Prosperity
Invokes the healing energy of the deities. Provides magickal help for overcoming dependencies & addiction. Associated with Candlemas and Beltane. Carry, wear, or use as incense to attract abundance.
Aloe
Protection
Luck
Place on the grave of a loved one to promote peaceful energy. Thought to relieve loneliness and assist with success. Hang in the home to attract luck and protection for those who live there. Grow in the home to provide protection from household accidents. Burn on the night of a full moon to bring a new lover by the new moon.
Apple
Love
Garden Magick
Immortality
Friendship
Healing
Place seven apple seeds in a bag with Orris Root to attract sexual love. Use in rituals to give honor to gods and goddesses of fertility. Considered the food of the dead, which is why Samhain is called the 'Feast of Apples'. Symbolizes the soul and is burned at Samhain in honor of those who will be reborn in the spring. When doing a house blessing, cut an apple in half -- eat half and put the other half outside of the home as an offering.
Apricot
Love
Add leaves and flowers to love sachets or carry apricot pits to attract love.
Banana
Fertility
Potency
Prosperity
Basil
Love
Exorcism
Wealth
Sympathy
Protection
Dispels confusion, fears & weakness. Drives off hostile spirits. Associated with Candlemas. Carry to move forward in a positive manner despite perilous danger. Strewn on floors to provide protection from evil. Sprinkle an infusion of basil outside of the building where you hope to be employed for luck in a job interview or in your business to attract money and success. Wear or carry to aid in attracting money and prosperity.
Bay leaf
Protection
Good fortune
Success
Purification
Strength
Healing
Psychic powers
Write wishes on the leaves and then burn the leaves to make the wishes come true. Place under the pillow (or use in dream pillow) to induce prophetic dreams. Place in the corner of each room in the house to protect all that dwell there. Carry bay leaf to protect yourself against black magick.
Black pepper
Banishing negativity
Exorcism
Protection from evil
Blackberry
Healing
Protection
Money
Sacred to Brighid. Leaves and berries said to attract wealth and healing.
Bluebell
Luck
Truth
Friendship
Incorporate into rituals of death & dying to comfort those left behind and ease their sorrow.
Blueberry
Protection
Though not recommended, blueberry is said to cause confusion & strife when tossed in the doorway or path of an enemy.
Burdock
Used for cleansing magick when feeling highly negative about oneself or others. Use in protection incenses and spells. Rinse with a decoction of burdock to remove negative feelings about yourself or others.
Cabbage
Fertility
Profit
Good luck
Lunar magick
Money magick
Cactus
Chastity
Banishing
Protection.
Bury with other banishing symbols for protection. Grow in the home or garden to prevent unwanted intrusions. Place in all directions of the home (north, south, east, and west) for full protection.
Cardamom
Lust
Love
Fidelity
Carrot
Lust
Fidelity
Cashew
Money
Celery
Mental powers
Psychic powers
Lust
Fertility
Male potency
Chamomile
Love
Healing
Reducing stress.
Add to a sachet or spell to increase the chances of its success. Sprinkle an infusion of chamomile around the house to remove hexes, curses and spells. Burn or add to prosperity bags to increase money. Burn as incense for de-stressing, meditation, and restful sleep. Wash hands in an infusion of chamomile for luck before gambling or playing cards. Use in bath magick to attract love. Keep a packet of the herb with lottery tickets for luck.
Cherry
Love
Divination
Gaiety
Happiness
Chestnut
Love
Chilli Pepper
Fidelity
Love
Hex breaking
Scatter powder around the house to break hexes and spells against you. Use in love charms & spells.
Chives
Protection
Weight loss *weight loss spells can be dangerous*
Cinnamon
Spirituality
Success
Healing
Protection
Power
Love
Luck
Strength
Prosperity
Burn as an incense or use in a sachet to raise spiritual and protective vibrations, draw money, and stimulate psychic powers. A popular herb for use in charms to draw money & prosperity. Wear in an amulet to bring passion.
Citronella
Draws friends to the home, customers to the business. Promotes eloquence, persuasiveness, and prosperity. Protects and cleanses the aura. Encourages self-expression and creativity (great for writers & actors!) and brings clarity to the mind. Repels insects and deodorizes
Clove
Exorcism
Love
Money
Protection
Coconut
Chastity
Protection
Purification
Coffee
Helps to dispel nightmares and negative thoughts and to overcome internal blockages. Provides peace of mind and grounding.
Coriander
Love
Health
Immortality
Protection.
Tie fresh coriander with a ribbon and hang in the home to bring peace & protection. Add to love charms and spells to bring romance or use in ritual work to ease the pain of a broken love affair. Promotes peace among those who are unable to get along. Throw the seeds in lieu of rice during Handfastings and other rituals of union. Use the seeds in love sachets and spells. Add powdered seeds to wine for an effective lust potion. Wear or carry the seeds to ward off disease and migraines.
Cucumber
Chastity
Fertility
Healing
Cumin
Fidelity
Protection
Exorcism.
The seed is said to prevent the theft of any object which contains it. Burn with frankincense for protection. Scatter on the floor alone or with salt to drive out evil. Use in love spells to promote fidelity. Steep in wine to make love potions.
Curry
Protection
Burn curry powder to keep evil forces away.
And as always, merry meet <3
Atti
(photo - attichaos)
11/12/2022
I can't remember the last time I thought for myself. Isn't that odd?
I mean... the parts of me that are inhuman...
I don't know what to say right now.
I am realizing that I want to be human. I am thinking about how to pull these parts out of me. And, unfortunately, I am having to come to terms with the fact that not all of them have been created and implanted by cruel masters.
I haven't kept up with this blog because I'm ashamed--both by how much I have to say, and how little I have to say.
I haven't left my home. I haven't taken the road. I've grown more and more sickly and frail. My life is miserable.
I'm realizing why I don't want to go home to Jonathan.
It's because right now, I have space of my own to think. I can live in my own head. I have a family, even if they're cruel, even if I don't want to be around them. I have places to go every day. I have people that check in on me, talk to me. And yes, yes, I have Jonathan, and I love them.
But when I leave, I will have only Jonathan.
And, sometimes, Jonathan isn't good.
Sometimes, Jonathan does things that make me feel small. They're inconsiderate, and they're inattentive, and they throw fits when things don't go their way, or when they can't get what they want, and they can't function on their own.
This is not to say that Jonathan is cruel, or bad, or evil, or that I don't love them.
But I don't think I can go home to them while I'm still broken. I've been spending so long trying to just go out on my own, without thinking of the consequences, without trying to fix myself first.
I don't need to be fixed completely. But I need to know what I want. I need to think about the kind of person I want to be. I need to decide what I want for my life.
So, I'm going to make a list. Jonathan is going to be out with... what did I call him? Julian? They'll be out with Julian for a few days. I'm going to take that time to decide what I really want.
On the top left is some food that I got at a korean restaurant after the virus no longer had a chance of jumping to someone else.
Top right is some bread and butter that i comforted myself with.
bottom left is the chai spice macarons.
bottom right is gracie. she is doing well.
10/14/2022
when i was very young, i used to have boundless energy. i could throw myself wholly into something and have something to show for it--work tirelessly to make something out of it.
this is no longer the case.
my illness has taken yet more from me. i'm not dying--i don't think so. but i have been ill for longer than i intended, and there are yet more parts of me become metal.
where before, i had smooth, human skin running up the full length of my back, i now have thick metal cable for a spine, creeping its way into my ribs. my eyes--already damaged, already mechanical--have begun to glow, faintly, behind my eyelids. my voice is harsh in a way it was not. my arms are heavy with leaden bones.
i'm sorry for having been gone. i have not gone into the road. jonathan is with julian for the weekend, and i will not see either of them until next week.
i am going to cook something that will make me happy, tomorrow. i don't know what, but i need to begin to heal. i have been so, so tired. my body has become so heavy.
i'm going to post a photo post later of everything i feel is worth sharing. i bought some new sweaters, but i don't want to reveal my body.
i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home.
09/30/2022
Back into the office with me. I had one day to work at my own desk, and it was lovely--albeit loud, due to the dogs. But now, finally, I get to rest for the weekend.
Tomorrow, I'm going to bake, I am going to write, I am going to rest, and I will not take the opportunity to do any chore that would make me feel tired and need to return to bed. I will begin my morning by showering, then taking care of my skin and hair, dressing then making a lovely breakfast and preparing for dinner. I will make a light lunch, then decide what I want to bake.
I have been craving fresh rustic bread. However, I have also been craving something sweet--something with almond. Despite all of my baking endeavors, I have never successfully made a macaron! I would love to achieve the perfect marsala chai macaron. I will have to gauge my energy tomorrow afternoon.
Jonathan is feeling better, though not back to 100%. Julian is coming back to the house tomorrow.
I have a week left to go before I am safe to leave. I hope I make it through in one piece.
09/28/2022
We have a tiny victory! I finally convinced my supervisor that I should be allowed to work from home while I am very ill.
I had some congee today--i'd made up a couple of onsen eggs and put them in a bowl to crack over it for breakfast, but apparently my sister thought I'd simply forgot to put them back in the carton. Unsure of which eggs were mine, I didn't take any, and she had a surprise when she tried to make french toast this morning. (Serves her right!)
My throat hurts less, which is good, but I'm coughing more, which is less good. My voice is even weaker than it was before.
Jonathan may need migraine glasses long-term. Their photophobia and migraines aren't going away. I've found a few that would be good, but I really need to get home to them soon. As soon as I'm better, I want to catch the next ticket to the road. I need to be in the best shape I can be, but I can't wait too long if it means the love of my life can't function.
They're so lonely without me. I miss them too. I want to be there. I need to be there. I'm so tired here.
As soon as I enter the road, I have 2 weeks to get to my destination or risk being lost forever. I can live that way, but I can't leave Jonathan on their own.
I can make it. I have to make it.
09/26/2022
ah... I've been neglectful. Hello, readers.
I am back at my desk. I have spent the past several days trapped in my bed again, shifting in and out of consciousness. I have taken ill. My father came down with it a few days past, and I was foolish enough to believe that if I locked myself in my room, it would pass me over.
Not so! I am absolutely miserable. My throat is swollen and on fire. My chest has begun to hurt. I am so frail already, and Cruel Fate has taken it upon herself to make my life even harder. Mm.
I went to the doctor yesterday to confirm my diagnosis, and she was... really something. She told me that there really are other illnesses out there, still, other than the crawling mist, and made me feel really quite stupid. Then, a few hours later, her receptionist called me to apologize--that the doctor had never actually looked at my test results, and had simply assumed I was looking for attention.
Well.
My supervisor is working from home today. He seemed to think that I should be fine to work in the office, despite the fact that I barely have a voice with which to speak.
I've gotten to speak with Jonathan a bit more. We got to talk for a whole 20 minutes yesterday when I got my test results--I could barely breathe, they were very kind with me. Their head is feeling a bit better.
The road will have to wait a few days more, unfortunately. Gracie has been very helpful. I found and washed her favorite pillow, and she has been cuddled up beside me in bed. I will share a picture later.
I have barely been able to eat today. I made myself a bowl of rice with furikake, but it tasted every oddly of wood, so I threw the entire thing away. Hoping I don't pass out at my desk.
09/23/2022
I spent a few hours talking to Basil about my upcoming trip.
It's all very difficult. I know Gracie will be very unhappy as we go. I've already packed a good amount of food, but I don't know if it will be enough. I don't know if the accommodations I've made for her will be enough.
The hardest part, of course, will be concealing it. this isn't a small undertaking. This is a long journey, and while I could manage it with help, or, at least, in broad daylight, it becomes nearly impossible under the current circumstances.
I need to reorganize my bags so I can take fewer of them. I need to be able to carry everything on my back.
I have my clothing. I have Gracie's supplies. I have my documents for when I get there. I have my weapon. I have my map. I need more protective garments, and I need smokes. I can work on that. I can get that.
Then I need my ticket to the entrance. That's the hardest part. That's the part that means this is happening. That's the part that means I can't go back.
God save me. I'm so afraid. I know it's worth it. I need to keep Jonathan safe. But God, it hurts so badly. It's so difficult. I hope I can purchase the ticket tonight. The road is waiting.
09/23/2022
i am so incredibly tired. a man shouted at me over the phone for the longest time.
Jonathan went to sleep without calling last night. Good. I'm worried about them--the migraine isn't getting better. Julian has left. I'm... not happy with him right now. I don't know how much of that is me resenting the fact that they are currently taking up the space that should be mine and have done such a poor job of doing it, and how much is legitimate grievance.
I'm trying to figure out how to leave without getting killed for it. I want to be able to take care of Jonathan, but I can't be of help to anyone if I'm dead on the side of the road.
Even in the best case scenario, I'm going to be broken for a while. The road between worlds is... long, at best, and deadly, at worst. And I will be vulnerable for a lot of it.
I will try to keep myself together on the way home. Then I will try to make my decision.
09/22/2022
I made my apple galette. I was going to make the butternut squash soup, but my sister told me that nobody would want to eat it. I thought this would be fine, and I could just make it for myself--we're all adults, after all--and then my mom told me that all of the food I make is strange and odd anyways.
To be clear, the "strange and odd" food is... miso soup, soft boiled eggs over rice, lamb chops, homemade pita and hummus... essentially, anything that isn't meat and potatoes--and even then, only beef and chicken. All of this is very funny coming from the woman who doesn't know what sugar is.
Anyways. The galette was lovely. The chicken and rice soup was also quite nice. It wasn't what I wanted, but I'll make the soup tomorrow. Anyone that has a problem with it can make their own food. Besides--I have someone who will be more than happy to eat something other than meat and potatoes.
I got to talk to Jonathan, even if only for a couple of minutes. They were able to go out and do things in the light for a little bit, but were headed back to bed. I told them to rest, and that I would send them food if they so wished.
With the rain rolling in, my body feels like it's on the verge of collapsing. My joints are all stiff and brittle. I'm going to take a shower, and hope that the warm water soothes my bones. Jonathan said we could talk later. I hope they fall back asleep and don't call--they need the rest--but I miss them so dearly. I think I will leave my parents' house soon.
oh... they finally have therefore, you and me on spotify. (ˊ•͈ ◡ •͈ˋ) I may put it in my blog theme when I have the time.
09/22/2022
I'm celebrating the Autumn Equinox today--a day late, I know, but considering everything that happened yesterday, I won't be too terribly harsh with myself.
This is my favorite time of year--the time of harvest festivals and dark mornings and long nights. At a different time, I would have decorated accordingly, but I am so tired these days, I will settle for rest and being kind to myself for the things I can't do.
Jonathan did not call last night. Good. I told them not to. They said it was because they fell asleep without meaning to, but I'll tell myself that they were listening to me when I said to stay away from their devices and focus on recovering.
I'm not a particularly spiritual person--I believe that the supernatural is, always, natural--that is, that magic is only science that we do not yet understand. That said, I don't think that makes it any less magical.
For example, I don't believe that tarot readings tell the future--at least, not in the way that its often posited. That said, I don't believe it's useless, a scam, a hoax, etc. I would go to a tarot reading, if I felt the need to. I think that tarot is, above all, a very useful tool for introspection, offering one the opportunity to view a situation from a different perspective--or reinforcing a perspective they already knew was accurate, but were scared to admit to themselves.
It's like flipping a coin to make a decision. If the coin lands on Option A, and you find yourself upset that it didn't land on Option B, then you now know that what you really wanted was Option B.
All that said, by offering a different perspective/offering reassurance for a current perspective, I believe it helps shape the future by influencing the receiving party's decisions.
In a similar manner, I don't believe in ghosts as the movies put it: I don't believe in vengeful apparitions that linger after death due to unfinished business. That said, I believe that energy cannot be created or destroyed, and that the brain is full to the brim with electrical impulses--and that that energy has to go somewhere. I would not be surprised if there were some form of life after death, even if only as wisps of static electricity in the air.
My supervisor is working from home today. It isn't reflective of the season, but I brought rice with kimchi furikake and mayak gyeran for lunch, along with a slice of cream cake that I made the other day.
When I get home, I will make an apple galette--hopefully with a maple caramel sauce to drizzle over top. It all depends on how much energy I have.
Then, butternut squash soup for dinner. I will have to make bread to go with it. That will be nice.
09/21/2022
it is going to be midnight soon. jonathan had an accident with their car this morning, resulting in a "mild" concussion. "mild", of course, in the context of a concussion, meaning that it is not life threatening.
by life threatening, of course, i mean that they are in no danger of dying.
and by dying, of course, i mean the physical death, the cessation of electrical impulses sent from the brain, and so on, and so forth.
that said, as someone who is intimately familiar with post-concussive syndrome and the long-term effects of traumatic brain injury, i reminded them that there is more to life than simply "not dying".
I told them to head straight to bed, that I would draft an email to their supervisor, and then read it out loud to them before sending it. That way, they could focus on recovering instead of work.
They seemed irritated. I am aware that i am somewhat overbearing. I am also aware of the fact that they struggle so often, that there are many days where they can't even leave their bed. Constant migraines and vertigo will only exacerbate this.
I don't feel guilty for worrying. I'm not angry at them for snapping, either--they have a concussion. Their brain is, currently, not at its normal range of function. They are allowed a short temper.
I am a bit irritated. This is normal. I have been snapped at, they said something that hurt my feelings. I am also capable of backing off.
Julian is there, currently, and is helping. Jonathan feels guilty for "making" him stay and help. Considering that Julian practically lives at Jon's house for free, I can't imagine he feels too terribly put out, but then, I am not Julian, am I?
This would be easier if I were there. I feel restless, irritated, worried, and jealous. I feel like I should be the one nursing them back to health. I think they can tell.
Oh well.
Gracie is curled up about my shoulder. This is a comfort.