Gamesthatdontexist - Games That Don't Exist

So a friend of mine from @mmmskulljuice‘s circle was talking about their desire to make a “submarine Zelda”, and I started drawing this little guy on the assumption that you’re playing AS the submarine. More ideas followed:

The title of the game is Foot-Long Hero. You play as a very small submarine drone who’s on a mission to visit five to eight dungeony areas above ground, but they can only be accessed from underwater. 

You can name your hero sub whatever you want, but his canon name is Hoagy. 

The villain’s name is Grinder.

Hoagy is a member of a wandering group of salvage drones who call themselves the Poor Boys.

Yes, we’re riding the sandwich puns hard in this.

Hoagy is a sentient, mobile vehicle in the tradition of classic game characters like Twin Bee and Opa-Opa. He gets hungry, scared, and has emotional reactions to things that happen in the game, but he’s still a machine and has interchangeable parts.

Hoagy is equipped with boots, boxing gloves, a propeller, and a nosecone. The boots and boxing gloves are only used while on land: the prop and nosecone come into play underwater. Each of his parts are interchangeable and he’ll find new propellers, boots and so on that will give him new powers.

Being a sub, Hoagy swims much faster than he can run. He’s highly mobile underwater, to the point where the underwater sections of the game are more like a top-down Zelda, whereas on land it’s a traditional side-scrolling platformer.

On land you can run, jump, launch your boxing gloves, and perform a special Periscope Flip, shown on the bottom, that lets you jump much higher. 

Underwater, you can not only launch your boxing gloves but also extend your periscope up to the top, which is a factor in solving many puzzles.

Later in the game you may even acquire a special hat that allows you to grab things with your periscope and pull yourself out of the water.

You can also play as a female-presenting sub, which adds eyelashes onto your periscope but otherwise doesn’t change the game. The canon name for the female sub hero is Baguette, but again you can call her whatever you want.

I can finally show you my entry for this year’s FAMICASE Exhibition!

It’s called Olympic Curling.

Game description:「オリンピックカーリング」もうすぐオリンピックです! トレーニングと準備が欠かせません。あなたのチームが出場できるよう、がんばろう!!

Happy Slapper ‘93 (Mighty Obnoxious Yellow)

I’d originally planned to do something entirely different for the next cut in my ongoing “music I make on advice from my therapist” series, but as is damn near always the case with me, plans change. The idea to do a speedy oldskool Rotterdam Techno track with some mighty slap bass came to mind as if from a dream at the start of the week, and several hours over the next few days were lost to making it a terrifying reality.

This track is another piece for one of my many, many, many Gonkaka projects; Relentless Riders. An arcade racing/driving game that, were it a real game, would be somewhat Ridge Racer inspired, but with several twists. For starters, there’s no actual opponent vehicles to race against, and the courses aren’t circular; the race is instead against the clock, and the courses are straight shots with a defined beginning and end (so it’s a bit like OutRun in that regard, too). Another major difference is that it has a defined narrative, which I’m going to try my hardest to sum up in brief:

Relentless Riders takes place thousands of years into the future, after a brutal war fought that raged for centuries has left the planet almost completely decimated and the human race in the hundreds. Said war was fought using machines that were able to alter the fabric of reality itself, with every creative and unspeakably cruel way that power could be used and abused explored by those that fought in the war- hence why the planet is in such bad shape. The survivors of the war congregated together and created a safe haven at the most remote point of the planet, vowing to create as utopian a society as possible within their means. As you can imagine, however, resources weren’t exactly in abundance to begin with, and in the years since the colony was established circumstances have only grown more dire. With little hope left, they turn to a legend stating that the original reality warping device- the most powerful of the machines and the one that served as the base for all the others- lays untouched, still operational, in it’s original location; a laboratory at the heart of the only part of the planet untouched by the war, known as “The Vanishing Point”. With this machine’s help, they could undo the damage wrought by millennia of fighting; they could renew the world entirely. Problem is, the Vanishing Point’s location is an incredible distance away- on the complete opposite end of the remaining landmass that the colony was built on. It’s a one way trip, and with no indication that legends are factual, it could all be for naught. Seeing no options left, four volunteers step forward to make the impossible journey- Ayako, Yoshie, Tomoko, and Mariko- working with the few mechanically and scientifically remaining individuals to construct supercars capable of withstanding the hostile world beyond their borders. Each of the drivers have their reasons for volunteering: Ayako, having only known cities made of steel and titanium and beginning to feel burdened by the scientific knowledge that has shaped her life, dreams of experiencing an unsoiled world full of flora and fauna; Yoshie, the sole remaining member of her family, seeks to escape to a happier world where the sorrow she’s known for entire life is a distant memory; Tomoko, a spiritual individual who no longer finds comfort in her belief system and unable to fully believe the legend is true, wants to experience one last burst of freedom and fun before the inevitable end; and Mariko, an eccentric individual who learned quick to use her bizarre nature to try and offer some brevity, knows the machine at the Vanishing Point contains information on the world of the past- including info on a chocolate bar she’s heard many tales of and is desperate to try. Their cars built and their affairs settled, the four drivers depart from the colony with nothing but a small selection of ‘classical music’ from many aeons ago blaring from their speakers, to boost their morale.

… That wasn’t very brief at all, was it?

As for the track itself; it couldn’t possibly be more inspired by Shinji Hosoe’s early work in the ridge racer games if I’d tried, though there’s a touch of the old masters of Rotterdam Techno- Holy Noise, Euromasters, King Dale etc.- in there as well. Whilst older Rotterdam Techno was fast pasted and had its fair share of heavy kicks and quirky samples, the early stages of the genre didn’t quite go to the same extremes as it would in the latter half of the 90s and beyond (this was an age before Speedcore and Extratone, after all). In terms of actual specific songs, this owes itself to Speedster, Speedster Overheat, and though it’s a newer track Rotten 7 [Remix] from the Ridge Racer series, all of which were composed by Hosoe. It’s mostly the former two, what with their Slap Bass Action™, but the bittersweet chords were drawn from the latter a little. The bittersweet angle was a detail I specifically wanted to include; to keep in tandem with the narrative of Relentless Riders, I want the music for the project to have a forlorn tone to it. Not to the point of being morose and miserable, mind, but just enough to tug at the heart strings a bit.

Oh, yeah; why’s it credited to “Mighty Obnoxious Yellow” and not “Gonkaka”? Another of the ideas for RR was to have the race BGMs be assigned to fake acts made up by Gonkaka (aliases for aliases; we’re through the looking glass), though M.O.Y. is actually the name of a project that Gonkaka’s bassist, Takayuki Mitsuyoshi, and their string player/head tech guy Denji Koshiro were in together before Gonkaka formed, wherein they blended electronica with their chosen instrument talents. Hence why the slap bass is off the chain here, and why the violin makes an appearance at a few points. The name and general idea are a reference to Oriental Magnetic Yellow, the name of a Yellow Magic Orchestra cover/parody band formed by Shinji Hosoe, Nobuyoshi Sano, Takayuki Aihara, and Hiroto Sasaki that they worked on between soundtrack gigs. The title of the song is a two-pronged pun; “Happy Slapping” was the name of a 'fad’ from my secondary school days wherein you would suddenly slap someone, usually from behind, yell “HAPPY SLAP” as you did it, and some other dickhead would film the whole affair on their phone. And, as well established, the song’s got mad slap bass in it ayyy.

Why yes, I DO think through this shit so thoroughly for pretty much my sole enjoyment, how did you know?

As a fun bonus, I’ve included some early character design concepts for the four riders: these were drawn about three years ago, and desperately need updating, but hey ho!

Does it look like a good old gameboy action game? I wish it exist, BlackZone : the Silent Doom. You could control this robot guy with the massiv lightning arm, he would be a super engineer because there is not enough engineer as heroes of games. A cross engineer-detective. 

Blue Notes (2017) Printed digital label on Nintendo Famicom cartridge

Original cartridge design created for the My Famicase Exhibition 2017 held at METEOR in Tokyo, Japan.

FELL WOLF

(Two Mouthed Clergyman)

A Monastery unit obtained when using the *Forbidden*. This unit attacks with its hands and can convert enemy units by singing forgotten psalms.

Can carry relics.

This unit has a hero form named Bleydh Du.

When converted by enemy monks, this unit will die.

Video Games That Maybe Only Exist in My Head, Part 1

Nebulous (Infocom, 1984).

I Hear You Run, I See You Hide (Single Track), by Gonkaka

1 track album

Yuna Itoh, a Californian parapsychology student with a lifelong fascination of the supernatural, has found herself dealing with a crisis of faith. The countless personal investigations she has undertaken into haunts and horrors have always turned up empty, revealed to be nothing more then mistakes or fakery. Coupled with a lifetime of scepticism and even insults from her peers, she finds her belief waning, unable to shake the thought that the course of her life thus far has been a mistake. It’s in this bout of existential ennui that Yuna learns of- and becomes fixated with- a supposedly haunted estate in England that once belonged to the wealthy and prestigious Barnbellow family. As the rest of the country suffered during the Second World War, the Barnbellows continued to live comfortably and indulgently, with nary a care in the world. This peaceful ignorance was shattered entirely with the kidnapping and subsequent murder of the youngest child, Edward Barnbellow, a tragedy that wounded the clan and the local community alike, but none more so then the family matriarch Jennifer Barnbellow. For weeks on end she wailed in agony, crippled by despair with no attempts at aid soothing her. Even so, none could have foreseen how the story would end: an empty house full of corpses, blood streaked across the walls, and Jennifer having spirited away, never to be seen again. Tales speak of her spirit wandering the estate, wailing and crying for her beloved son. With the deadline for an important case study and accompanying thesis looming, Yuna comes to a decision; she decides to travel to England and visit the Barnbellow’s former home in person, ostensibly for her studies. However, deep down, she sees this as something of a moment of truth; one final test to determine whether or not forces beyond our understanding do exist. Yuna is going to get her answer, and it will change her world forever. Gonkaka is proud to present this promotional single for Nincom’s upcoming survival horror title Barnbellow’s Estate, due to be released October 2nd XX99. It is one of several intense themes intended to score moments when Yuna engages with nightmarish creatures she cannot beat and must instead escape.

I Hear You Run, I See You Hide (Pursuer Theme #1) [from “Barnbellow’s Estate”]

released June 30, 2019

composed by Decon Theed

cover designed by Decon Theed

DOWNLOAD INCLUDES CORRECTLY SIZED COVER + UNEDITED COVER SCAN

Fumie Saso - Gethsemane (Battle with The Agony) [from "Barnbellow's Estate"]

It's been a while since the last Barnbellow's Estate track; feels good to return to the project. It was actually a little off the cuff, though- I've got a few things on the backburner at the moment and whilst flitting through sample packs for inspo, I remembered I recently stumbled upon the second Methods of Madness sample pack (discovering that there even *was* a second one in the process- I had no idea), and things just kind of went from there- almost all the guitar loops and effects in this are from Methods of Mayhem 2 - Damage Control (and one set of loops in particular may sound familiar to people who've played Devil May Cry 3). There's still plenty of samples from the original Methods of Mayhem - Industrial Toolkit in here too, though- it wouldn't be a Pursuer related Barnbellow's Estate track if there wasn't. I'm mostly pleased with the song- I hit a major stumbling block with the original idea for the ending section, so the song's shorter then initially planned, and I definitely brushed up against the limitations of mixing in both Music 2000 and Wavepad, so the mix is a little bit muddy (though between that and taking tons of the reverb out + leaving the song sounding flat and sterile, I'll take the slightly muddy mix; if anything, that just makes it more era appropriate for a song styled to sound like it came from a 90s horror game). I did, however, reinterpret the melody used in "it cries. it cries. it cries. it cries." (henceforth considered The Agony's musical motif) + finagle the melody from Transformation (Ashes of Grief) (henceforth considered Yuna's musical motif) into that first proper section as sort of duelling melodies, cos It's Neat innit.

Speaking of Pursuers, the song's context; were Barnbellow's Estate a real game you could actually play, this tune would be used for the one and only direct fight in the main game, against the story's main antagonist; an eldritch being that serves as the avatar of suffering for life, known simply as The Agony. You only actually fight it like a traditional boss on a couple of the ending routes- on others, you escape from it like you would the other Pursuers- and neither of the endings where you fight it are good (one in particular is one of the game's planned two Bad Ends). This theme is specifically for the "fight" encounter and not the "escape" one. The title is taken from the Agony in the Garden oportion of The Life of Jesus Christ; Gethsemane is the most common name put forward for the garden Jesus retreated to following The Last Supper, just before his arrest and crucifiction, where he spent his time Having A Normal One, Praying, and generally being a complete mess. So there's your hackneyed hoity toity Biblical Reference of the project.

Below the readmore are excerpts from the Barnbellow's Estate Design Document, which covers The Agony + the "fight" encounter with it + the endings that can be achieved by taking that route.

***

Final Encounter/Pursuer #5: The Agony

Fury. Terror. Despair. These are feelings and sensations that transcend sapience and higher brain function; they are something even the most basic forms of life can know and understand, intimately, even if they don't have the words for them that we do. And my, are they powerful emotions, so severe and savage that they can scar the very land itself with wounds that will never heal. And It... well. It knows pain. It knows suffering. It knows despair. Some say that that is all It knows. It was not so much “born” as it was “formed”; spawned at the very beginning of this vast universe, billions of years before the Earth on which we live would come into being, in response to life's very first shed tear. And ever since, with each successive cry, it took greater form, forced to wallow and steep in an increasingly widening and deep pool of anguish. For longer then you or I can comprehend, this is how It lived.

It's no wonder that It would lash out in response. That It, too, would seek to hurt.

Without due cause.

Without an end goal.

Without any mercy.

Very few have encountered It directly. Fewer still have survived to tell It's story. Those that have know it by a single name;

The Agony.

The Agony serves as the “final boss” of Barnbellow's Estate, an avatar of it's form resting in the deepest part of a nightmarish, fleshy cave at the centremost point of the titular estate. Every horrible thing that has happened here has, in some way, been it's fault- a direct consequence of it's unending desire to inflict as much pain on every living thing as possible. Depending on a variety of factors throughout the game- the most important being how much the player has discovered and learned of each successive tragedy- Yuna's response to The Agony will fall one of two ways:

Her horror and anger overwhelm her, forcing her into a defensive position as a direct fight- the only direct fight in the game- between her and The Agony unfolds. This is what The Agony knows, and what The Agony wants, as this is how it can maximize Yuna's pain for it's own satisfaction.

---

In the Fight route, The Agony's room expands into a larger, circular arena, in which it- via a humanoid form- can traverse effortlessly, attacking either directly with abilities of its own or summoning fleshy proxies of prior Pursuers to use their abilities instead. Yuna's stress meter doesn't just max out here- the actual stress meter in the HUD completely breaks, disappearing as she goes into a manic, catatonic state. However, Yuna doesn't stumble or trip here; if anything, her movement speed (which has defaulted to sprint) has increased, and she doesn't tire. Though it might not be noticeable at first, when used on the proxies (which have the exact same stats as whatever Pursuer they've formed into), her cameras damage output has also shot way up in addition. All of this comes at the cost of Yuna's own durability taking a massive hit- anything that hits her does a considerable amount of damage, and the fight can end very quickly if the player isn't careful. They must make use of Yuna's massively boosted stats to play as carefully as possible to overcome the fight.

---

Endings

As briefly mentioned above, many of your actions throughout the game will determine what ending you get once the game concludes. Here's how that would work, roughly;

Yuna's main goal is to survive the night, but your actions as a player can influence the degree to which that takes precedence. If you, too, value escaping with your life, and thus play the game as a series of tense cat and mouse changes without doing much investigating, you will wind up with the most straightforward ending; Yuna fights The Agony, barely ekes out a win, and is forever haunted by what transpired in the estate. It is left ambiguous as to what, exactly, her life looked like afterwards, but it is at the very least made clear that she dropped out of her parapsychology program entirely and moved out-of-state, entirely uprooting her life and disappearing somewhere in the American Midwest to start anew, making no attempt to contact her family or anyone she knew back home ever again. Not the most rewarding of endings, but playing this way generally involves a higher degree of interaction with the various Pursuers throughout the game, as you're not taking detours to engage with anything else; to this end, the game itself becomes the reward, as the player takes repeated gambles on hiding from and escaping the Pursuers from start to finish and ends the adventure on an extremely tough boss fight that they can only just barely overcome.

However, Yuna may be terrified, but she is also curious; she has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that persists even in life-or-death moments, and the players can lean into that. The Investigation Phase massively opens up to the player the more they choose to poke around in every nook and cranny, overturn as many stones as possible to find out what, exactly, happened in each layer of the estate- and indeed, there is much more to each Pursuer and their circumstances than is divulged above. The issue, of course, is parsing what information is useful, and what isn't, though there is at least one general rule the player can follow;

Maintain a healthy balance between Notes and Hauntings for the most “complete” outcome. Notes, by and large, contain most of the factual information; many of them were written by people who knew or encountered the Pursuers before and after their demise, and a good deal were written by the Pursuers when they were still human. If you want to learn the details, that's where you turn. But details are static, un-emotive things. To actually experience even a vague idea of what the Pursuers were going through, and gain a greater perspective on each of them, you will want to seek out Hauntings, as many of them relate directly to those experiences in some manner. Of course, not all of them do, and at least a few are unreliable in terms of their factual accuracy, distorted by time and by pain.

If you rely too heavily on the notes, Yuna gains understanding, but can't fully put herself in the shoes of the beings trying to hurt her. This leads to Yuna's fear, anger, and sadness to override her capacity for empathy. This plays out, in game, with the note count increasing and the haunting count decreasing; you learn more, but feel less, in practice. This also sets Yuna on the path to fighting The Agony at the end, though this time, she does not overcome it; no matter how hard you fight, you will fall to it. Her emotions at their absolute peak, entirely out of control, is the exact key The Agony needs to sink it's influence into her, tearing her apart and reshaping her as it sees fit, just like it did to all the Pursuers before her. Yuna never returns from her trip; she, too, becomes a denizen wandering the layers of the estate. Another scary story woven into the fabric of history; the tale of an overzealous ghost hunter who in way over her head, and joined the ranks of the very things she sought out. An ending that's a touch on the nose, given it's the conclusion to a route likely chosen by the most lore-hungry player, but similarly to the above, that wealth of information is it's own reward. And, for those looking to try out every possible permutation, the knowledge learned here can be used to fill in the gaps in other routes.