Latest Posts by girlcross - Page 2

Miranda July, The First Bad Man

Soulmates // web weave

on leaving

the raven boys, maggie stiefvater// it's time to go, taylor swift// sleep on the floor, the lumineers// how’d your parents die again?, fatima asghar// dorothea, taylor swift// giovanni's room, james baldwin// my tears ricochet, taylor swift// also my tears ricochet// motion sickness, phoebe bridgers// ?// waiting room, phoebe bridgers// paper towns, john green// are you a soldier, a poet, or a king?, @atlanticsea // @8-bitfiction //it's time to go, taylor swift// @akindplace

on brothers

“volunteers”, chapter 40 of “crimson rivers” by @mayzarbewithyou

“cain and abel” by alexandre falguière

“volunteers”, chapter 40 of “crimson rivers”

source

“brother” by mighty oaks

“the hunger games” by suzanne collins

“brother”, chapter 50 of “crimson rivers”

“lighthousekeeping” by jeanette winterson

“blues for vincent” by ossip zadkine

“conviction”, chapter 29 of “crimson rivers”

Quotes that remind me of Sirius and Regulus and their relationship as shown in Choices.

@little-shit-soph

(Credits belong to original owners of the quotes)

heard we all have mommy issues

moonlight // difficult things by orla gartland // shameless (us) // least favorite only child by leanna firestone // harry potter and the order of the phoenix // my mother and i by lucy dacus // lady bird // class of 2013 by mitski

grief

breaking bad 02x13 // platonic love - eliza adler // dark paradise - lana del rey // the hunger games: mockingjay part II // francis forever - mitski // grey’s anatomy 02x27 // ivan the terrible and his son ivan - illya repin // somewhere only we know - keane // supercut - lorde // summertime sadness - lana del rey

Olivia Rodrigos’s song for the new Hunger Game’s movie shows exactly how I imagined Lucy’s POV and legacy after what Snow did to her.

i have often imagined what snow would be thinking during the forcefield scene in catching fire where katniss finally convinces him of her love for peeta. thinking about how snow eventually uses peeta as a weapon against katniss, i always thought that snow looked at the scene and was already thinking of strategies to use katniss's love against her. 

but, the more i think about it, that doesn't make sense. at the time, snow did not know anything about plans to rescue the victors. so, why would there be any need to use katniss's love as a weapon? there wouldn't be. as far as he was concerned, he had full control of katniss's fate and her death was a matter of when, not if.

so, i think that snow, wherever he was, was having one of his classic coryo moral crises. because the task that he gave katniss– to prove that she was actually in love with the person that she used for survival– was supposed to be impossible. of course, it would be impossible. right? because lucy gray never loved him and only used him, right? of course, coryo… 

so, i think that seeing that katniss was actually in love with peeta freaked snow out more than anything and sent him into full crisis mode as he works to find another way to justify his victimhood.

but this crisis would not fully be resolved until he finally had the boy who somehow miraculously won the heart of a survivor trapped in his control. and now that snow had him, he would do anything in his power to prove that katniss, when it came down to it, would betray peeta for her own survival. and so, he turned the boy she loves into a mutt set on killing her. 

and i like to think snow's last glimpse before the mob of citizens rushed him at the end of mockingjay was of peeta, a boy who was programmed to kill his love, running to prevent katniss from dying. and snow finally understood that, after everything, katniss could never really kill peeta. because they truly loved each other.

and i like to think that his last thought was of lucy gray and sejenus, finally coming to the irrefutable, horrifying (to him) conclusion that relationships based on survival weren't destined to fall apart. that they could be real, interwoven with pure love. that he was not the victim of nature, but rather the gamemaker of his own hell.

and then i start cackling.

mags flanagan was the victor of the 11th hunger games. she is probably one of the last people we know of canonically in the games who directly, vividly, remembers lucy gray baird.

she remembers the girl from district 12, who dropped a snake down someone's dress, who sang a song the day of her reaping as a fuck you to the capitol. the girl who charmed an entire country and won the games using sheer ingenuity.

she probably remembers reports of the capitol boy who served as her mentor, remembers the blond boy who broke the rules and stayed in that zoo enclosure with her. probably remembers the reports of him doing everything he can to save this girl. coriolanus snow. she remembers that name, tucks it away, connecting it with decency and integrity.

she probably, as a young girl, thought that maybe there was some good left in this world. if a capitol boy would put his neck and life on the line for a lowly girl from district 12, who would defy every social rule for her, then maybe there was some hope.

she probably remembers the rumours that floated around after those games, remembers how they said that blond boy ran away to be with her. remembers how no one heard from or about lucy gray baird ever again, and then next year she goes on to compete and win the games.

and then when the victors are made to be mentors, she looks for that girl, lucy gray baird, wonders if she could ask her questions about her games, about her life now, about coriolanus snow, the blond boy who changed the games themselves for her. but she is nowhere to be found. lucy gray baird is now a legend, passed down in hushed tones amongst the ones who still remember her. the girl who charmed an entire arena of snakes, the girl with the guitar, the girl who said nothing they could take from her was worth keeping.

and then she returns year after year, and a decade or so passes until she hears a familiar name. a name she expected died away in district 12 in obscurity, because there is no way the capitol would let his impunity pass unpunished, would they?

but here he is, president coriolanus snow.

she wonders how he's still here, and how he betrayed her memory, betrayed what lucy gray baird stood for, what he once stood for. but there he stands, impassive, cursorily shaking her hand before she stops herself from asking about the girl with the rainbow skirt.

then comes another victor from district 12, and she turns the games on their head, much like her predecessor. mags watches her, wonders if president coriolanus snow is thinking the same thing she is. when the quarter quell rolls around and finnick tells her about the burgeoning spark of a rebellion and how the girl on fire might be the one who fully set it ablaze, she agrees wholeheartedly to return to that arena.

she thinks about telling him about lucy gray baird and her story, but doesn't think he would believe her if she did. when she sees snow again, knowing certain death lies ahead, she finally asks him the question that's rested on her lips for half a century.

she asks him about the girl in the rainbow skirt.

I do think that Coryo fell in love with Lucy Gray, but i also fully believe that such love would never have been possible had he not be given the near-total control over her fate in the games, and by extension, her fate in the Capitol.

Listen. Here is a boy who has nothing but his last name, posing around pretending like he owned everything while scrambling for a scrap of something. Here is a boy who had to share everything he had ever owned, who was never fully in control of anything except for his words.  Here is a boy, who, due to the lie he's been controlling, can never let anyone in -- not even his pseudo-older sister and not even his most affectionate classmate -- for it poses the risk of being perceived, and potentially punished for his lack of ownership.

And then suddenly this boy -- who's so desperate to own something -- is granted the ownership of another person  a full-pass to control everything about her; her words, her image, her story. And sure, she wasn't his first pick, but the thought of having something gave him a sense of relief and dignity his lies could never give him, and that dignity, that slight restoration of confidence, gave way for that first crack on his chest after being guarded for so long.

And then the person he "owned" showed up, and she was the most interesting person of the pick. She gave the people a show and she made a song on top of it, turning his confidence to pride. I truly believe that had he been assigned to another person, he would not have showed up to the train station, simply due the fact that they were not interesting enough to warrant his  visit -- or his grandma'am's roses. Him showing up to the train wasn't just done in goodwill; it was also a stake of ownership -- it was him, acknowledging to himself that this was something worth owning, and like other things worth owning, it could be taken away from him if he lets his guard slips.

And that becomes the initial foundation to their interaction; the talking, the bringing up food... sure, Lucy Gray was interesting, but he was detached of her charm in those first meeting, seeing her in the lens of how others might measure her and her worth. his main focus was "taking care of her"; making sure his precious thing survived, making sure his ownership of her -- and thus his pride -- will not dissipate.

And then the tributes started plotting to kill him, only to be stopped by Lucy Gray. Sure, for her, he might seem as if he was doing something a kind -- even if useless -- meeting her in this run-down train station, and that perhaps was part of the reason why she defended him, and part of the reason why she stood by him in that Zoo cage. But for Coryo, his visit was calculated, his rose a chip of bargain, his zoo visit a byproduct of refusing to be caught slipping. For him, Lucy Gray stepping up for him was uncalled for, a surprising kindness.

He tried to rationalize it best as he could, but he was stumped. And I think this was when he started to really listen to Lucy Gray, to stop being detached from her. He was his father's son, and he believed in knowing the things he owned in order to properly maintain it. And it was this desire to know that melted his walls, that made him vulnerable, because to understand her fully he opened himself up to be understood, which had never happened before.

I think Coryo did love Lucy Gray, however tainted and terrible that love was. I think it was the first time of him making the effort to perceive someone and be reciprocated back -- fully, thoroughly, and wholeheartedly. It helped (or didn't help?) That Lucy Gray was a poet, that she fed him with pretty words; the only things that -- up until she showed up -- he'd ever truly owned for himself. For him, that connection -- added over the fact that he had "owned her", as everyone else kept saying -- must have felt like a drug. It must have felt intoxicating, to own something so lovely, something that adored him. It must have been a new, exhilarating feeling for Coryo, who never owned anything but worthless scraps and his pretty, pretty words. And yes, that was such a terrible way to put it, but love is many things; it can be terrible too.

I think Coryo loved Lucy Gray, and had they stayed in Capitol, he would have been able to continue to "love her". Billy Taupe was just some name, the Covey some story. What for Lucy Gray was history, was only pretty words for him. For all he chose to believe in, they could be the same pretty words he said; mostly lie, some exaggeration. In the Capitol, she is his, fully. And Coryo can love only what he owns.

But they didn't stay at Capitol, they moved to twelve. Suddenly, all her pretty words were honest and real, something he couldn't ignore, much less control. Suddenly, there was the Covey, and Billy Taupe, and Mayor Lipp, and even if her eyes were for him only he still had to share the rest of her -- her voice, her charm, her poise -- with other people. Twelve highlighted that he'd never truly owned her, we all know that. But here's another thing that twelve highlighted; it was him who chose to be the soldier in a rundown district, him who chose to follow her. If there was any ownership to be had here, it was her that owned him.

And Coryo? He doesn't share, yes, but worse than anything, he despises being owned.

This is where TBOSAS shone its brilliance; president Snow is the way he was not because he is an unfeeling sadist the was Volumnia Gaul is. He was the way he was because of love. Because of the vulnerability that comes with that love, and the refusal to surrender to it. President Snow would not be as ruthless and despicable had he been desensitized, and it was his feelings, his capability to love, that led him to employ some of the most gruesome tactics to win the games.

Here's the heartbreaking thing; once upon a time, Coryo loves Lucy Gray, and that love was true. Here's another heartbreaking thing; that love was built on poison, and its toxic vines ruined him so completely, decimated him so thoroughly, he was reborn anew evil; president Snow would not have happened without Lucy Gray, without Coryo's time in Twelve.

President Snow said, "it's the thing we love most that destroys us," and he said this as a warning to Katniss, yes, but he also said it to Coryo's shadow, standing behind her, who was looking at the back of the Girl on Fire, thinking the wavy black hair and the whispered songs were that of someone else's.

It's just so poetic that after everything, it was a kind boy and a mockingjay singer girl that brought Snow down, that's destiny

what is a ghost?

ghost eaters - clay mcleod chapman / stranger in the alps (2017) / war of the foxes - richard siken / summer sons - lee mandelo / yellowjackets (2021) / right where you left me - taylor swift / ghost eaters - clay mcleod chapman / ghost (1990) / haunting of hill house (2018)

something something mike flannagan something something "this room is like the heart of the house. no, not a heart, a stomach." something something "you didn't feed them though, did you? you starved them."

i think what fucked me up most about the midnight club is how desperate everyone was to believe in something, in anything. and in their desperation, all they found was each other. the stories mike flanagan create are actually heart-wrenching but this was on another level. the fact that he’s shown in every show that ghosts are not simply ghosts, they are wishes, and faith, and love, and sadness, and desperation. how when no one can bring themselves to believe in the truth they take to tales, and stories, to help themselves feel better. how every ghost story in the show was just themselves coping with their diseases and their pain. how fantastical is it that they held onto something so tightly, but it slipped through. like the sunlight in the trees or the wind through the grass. how no one blamed ilonka for believing in something so.. strange to make her friend better.

at the end of the day all they wanted was each other to do better. to live. how terrifying is it to know that you cannot live for much longer? to accept it? to let go of the ghosts and to simply stay present? how do you love and how do you lose? how do you accept loss? how do you grieve? how do you hold someone’s hand and not let go even when they do? how do you let someone go when they’re ready to but you’re not?

anyways this was my little tangent thing i’m still sobbing over the show. no one hmu will be rotting in my room for the next month

Grief is the ghost of love...

"Most times, a ghost is a wish."

""I loved you completely, and you loved me the same," she said, "that's all." And this was the point I wanted the most to make. That at the end of our life, if we can say this about each other, the rest doesn't matter. It’s the love that stays."

“I'm in the hallway again, I'm in the hallway. The radio's playing my favorite song. Leave the lights on. Keep talking. I'll keep walking toward the sound of your voice."

"you can’t take loved away. time and death and mistakes take people from you, but nothing and no one can take back that love... everything changes irreversibly with every second that passes, but nothing and no one can change the fact that i was loved and i loved back... you can’t take it away from me. i was loved. i was loved."

"At the root of every ghost, a yearning. A tug, in which a living person reaches so fervently toward something absent, that the absence becomes bodied. As anyone who has known loss understands full well, lack is not in fact, an absence at all. It is a presence. A person we love dies, or leaves, or changes, and a gap forms. It takes on their shape. Mimics their movement. Echoes their voice like a mockingbird. We feel this gap take up space, filling every place our lost one once was, and now isn’t. It reflects in mirrors. Flickers in candle flames. A phantom."

The Amazing Devil, Inkpot Gods//Jamie Anderson//Haunting of Hill House//twitter user @tothedeaths//Lang Leav, Memories//@boymartyr//Mike Flanagan//Xie Lei, Blow//Valeria Luiselli, Faces in the Crowd (tr. Christina MacSweeney)//Haunting of Hill House//Richard Silken, You Are Jeff//Henri Nouwen//Spiritfarer//@boymiffy & @petrichara//Amanda Lovelace, to drink coffee with a ghost//Max LL, What You Leave Behind//@nickyandmikey//The Newton Brothers//@wifegideonnav//Shannon Barry//GennaRose Nethercott, “A Ghost Is a Memory.” On Bodies, Belief, and the Places Ghost Stories Live

notes on a lonely history of love

when fleabag said “you know how to love better than any of us thats why you find it so painful” and when hill house said “i loved you completely and you loved me the same. the rest is confetti” and when bly manor said “to truly love another person is to accept the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them” and when the good place said “if soulmates do exist theyre not found theyre made. people meet they get a good feeling and then they get to work building a relationship” and when schitts creek said “ive spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like. and then i met you and everything changed. you make me feel right” and when maria semple said “i felt so full of love for everything but at the same time i felt so hung out to dry there like nobody could ever understand. i felt so alone in this world and so loved at the same time” and when jim croce said “i looked around enough to know that youre the one i want to go through time with” and when house comes with a bird said “’where do you see yourself in a year?’ with you ‘and the year after?’ at your side ‘and the year after?’ always with you ‘and after?’ in your arms ‘i want a dog’ lets get two” and when russian doll said “you had no obligation but you loved me anyway, right?” and when ted lasso said “if there was something i could do or something i could say that would make you happy just being with me id do it” and when superstore said “i hated how you believed that life could be better than it was. but here we are. and my life is so much better than it was because of you” and when everything everywhere all at once said “i would have loved doing laundry and taxes with you” and when jenny slate said “im stuck here in a cycle and i am getting older but i am not growing up and my heart is getting soft dark spots on it like a fruit that has gone bad or is soft because too many hands have squeezed it but then put it back down” and when brandi carlile said “me out in my garden and you out on your walk is all the distance this poor girl can take without listening to you talk” and when 

BEE LB, from "friction polish"

my home isn't my home anymore, something's gone wrong along the way

noor hindi dear god. dear bones. dear yellow.: "pledging alliegance" (via @feral-ballad) \\ andrew collins \\ athena nassar, from love is not always song, but the swelling (via @weltenwellen) \\ @holly-warbs \\ yanyi dream of the divided field: poems: "the friend” (via @dactylicreveries) \\ bartosz beda silent interior ii

kofi

John Green & David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson // @sweatermuppet // Jamaica Kincaid, The Autobiography of My Mother // Entropy, "Luck" // Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters // @100493503004422 // I'm Not a Good Person—Pat The Bunny // Veronica Roth, Insurgent

on anticipatory grief

victoria chang \\ louise glück averno: "persephone is wandering" \\ musubu hagi \\ @judas-redeemed \\ franz kafka letters to milena \\ musubu hagi

kofi

I don’t know man :/ i think I’m just tired of being me

I miss them a bit

Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient // Waving Through a Window—Ben Platt & Original Broadway Cast of Dear Evan Hansen // Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart // @iimememe on Twitter // Alice Oseman, Radio Silence // Marie Howe, "The Landing"

thinking about jeff buckley being asked, "how do you want to be remembered?" and answering with, "as a good friend."

You know I didn’t want to, have to haunt you, but what a ghostly scene

Kurt Vonnegut, based on John Greenleaf, "Maud Muller" // Whittier // Lang Leav // Erica Jong, Becoming Light: Poems New & Selected // @dvoyd // Matt Haig, The Midnight Library // @ojibwa // magazine clipping, on Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of the Dying // r.h. // F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Basil and Josephine Stories

[Requested by @alwaysanangel-neveragod]

still alone. still lonely.

charles bukowski // anne carson // the others (2001) // john steinbeck // the others (2001) // charles bukowski.