I Mean It’s Not Like I Spend Every Hour Consciously Saying “i Hate Myself.” It’s Just That When

Trauma things #73: You became a writer because no one listened.

Dear diary... (Trigger warning)

At 13, I hoped I would never turn 15.

At 15, I hoped I would never turn 18.

At 18 I thought that would be it. I thought I would be dead before I got to see another year.

I never wanted to make it this far.

Now I'm about to turn 20...

I hate the fact I'm still alive. I hate that after so many years of wanting to be dead, and actually trying to die, I made it to this point.

I feel so lost now. I never wanted to live this long. But I'm stuck in this world. I could never find a way out in all those years, and now I'm doomed to keep living a life I never wanted.

I wanted to die. But I'm so useless I couldn't even get that right.

Your abuser can have depression. They can have a variety of disorders. And you know what? It’s never gonna be an excuse for what they did.

this lil baby got a better walk than kendull jenner, jello hadid, boring hadid and karmichael kloss and that’s the tea on that

Guys i don’t want to optimize you if you still care about genocide in gaza .

But the news saying the ceasefire agreement is done and they will maybe tomorrow Announce it .

Best thing is the isareli army will withdraw from all Gaza Strip that’s mean the Rafah border crossing will back to work again so i need your support your help so I could take my brother Mohammed out to be with his Son Zayed and his wife.

And didn’t told you before my brother Omar engaged and His fiancee still in north gaza. He asked me alot to tel you about her so he can also be with the love of his life.

Don’t think your contribution is small even the one dollar helps . Sharing also helping.

A message to you:

You’re pushing me away and I don’t know what to do. I care about you, I always have and I always will. Do you, do you care about me? You say you do, but then you ignore me. “I’m that way with everyone” you say, but there you are laughing, having a thirty minute conversation with another. When I try to talk to you, you barely respond; you brush me off. You’re someone I thought I’d know forever, but there you go slipping away from me. Although I’m fully capable, I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will - because you’ll never tell me. Inseparable one minute, barely talking the next; oh, how the times change. I’d do anything to help you, and I’ve proven that. Once things got better for you, do you leave behind the ones who have helped you in the process? Is that what this is? You should surely be able to clear this up, but you won’t.

I’ve hurt my self to help you. I’ve made sacrifices to be there for you. Is that not enough? Is wanting what’s best for someone 24/7 not enough? I never asked for anything in return but honesty. This is didn’t even get.

So it’s been almost a month since you last texted me first to talk. And I realized that I shouldn’t have to question if you still want to be my friend or not. So our friendship is in your hands. Take care of it or don’t; I don’t care anymore. I love you and I’ll miss you and our close friendship but I’ve learned where I hold myself as a person. And I will never beg for someone’s attention, I will never force a friendship, and I will never keep myself in a toxic one-sided relationship. I’ve made the effort, now it’s your turn. I’ve shown you that I care, prove to me you do too. Nurture our friendship back to good health, if I really mean that much to you like you say.

I care too much about people. People take advantage of this. I get used; my feelings abused. Hopefully you won’t do the same.

There’s a chance you’ll see this but a very strong one you won’t (I assume you don’t pay attention to me as much as I do to you). If you do see this, you’ll know this is about you. I want you to see this, in fact I’ll be happy if you do.

Do what you want; it’s your life. But don’t you ever say I was the one who drifted away from you or that I was never there for you. I was, however you wernt. I still want to be friends, but a friendship can’t work if it’s only one way. At the end of the day, if you wanted to be my friend, you’d be acting like it.

- Your “Friend”

Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

a mess

You know, Loki could have just told Thanos that he could go to Walmart and get the Space Stone for like $13…