You're About To Close On Your Very Own, Suspiciously Affordable And Comfortable House. Just Before You

oh to finish these drawings of the sleepwalkers

walked into the black rose oneshot with one fic in mind walked out with notes plus a whole new fic idea head in hands

tale as old as time

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

write tumblr post

Have you seen this man??

He is wanted in over 12 countries for the following crimes:

The nicking of countless doodads, whooziewhatsits, and whaddyacallthems.

Breaking into multiple buildings to scream at the inhabitants.

4st degree manslaughter.

Dubious behaviours.

Arson.

Pirating of countless songs, movies, and ancient treasure chests.

7 counts of breaking the Geneva code.

Plucking of feathers from hats.

Shitting on the shoulders of innocent victims.

Stealing the ice from the south pole to, quote-on-quote; "Create the west pole."

The kidnapping of worms from their tunnels.

And countless other crimes, some of which are not to be publicly known.

Please, if you see this scrunkly fellow. Phone us at 901-16. (we could not afford the rest of the numbers.)

A warning, he is believed to carry over 8 knifes on his person at all times, so we implore you to keep your distance.

thinking about oc posting.. again..

okay so if you need more veggies/fruit, protein or fibre (bc most people do NOT eat enough) in your diet but you struggle to do so, hear me out:

look up recipes (especially snack recipes) that are child/toddler/baby-friendly

i can guarantee there is a woman with a cooking blog out there who has found away to pack a bunch of vegetables into a surprisingly delicious little snack for her kids. this process has never failed me when i feel like i am not eating enough fruits and veggies. my entire flat is eating spinach muffins at the moment, which doesn’t sounding particularly appealing to most people and yet somehow. they’re delicious.

happy PRIDE i’m here i’m queer and i believe the land should be given back to the proper indigenous stewards.

the stamplerrrrr

dndads s1 you're so special to me

oh I was meant to do it three times, huh.

Congratulations, youre body has taken on a new form! Spin this wheel three times. These words describe your new body