Beautiful

He says....

"Let me die first, because I can't live without you." He is alive because I am breathing.

Happy face!!

This is just to make us brown eyed people feel better about ourselves.

You have brown eyes. Eye color is a result of how much melanin, a brown pigment, is in your iris. The more melanin in your eyes, the darker they appear because they absorb more light. If your eyes are blue, it just means there’s less melanin in your iris, which reflects shorter wavelengths of light on the blue end of the color spectrum. Therefore, no matter what color your eyes appear to be, they’re technically brown. Source

Honoring yourself...

and being truthful to yourself.  I haven't really delved into this whole mindset that you can forgive yourself when everybody else has or hasn't.  I have so much pent up guilt within myself that it's sometimes suffocating, that sometimes on those rare moments that I have time to think, it makes me dizzy when I think about that one event in my life, or that one memory of a memory that isn't really complete, but you know it's there, but forever fragmented every time you try to recall.

I'm 32 now, and I'm allowing myself, little by little to let things go that happened to me in that past, so that I can gain new experiences, and not let the past weigh me down.  But like they say, it's easier said than done.  I want to heal, I want to not have guilt and pain so easily manifest itself if I'm alone. 

Also, people get this mixed up sometimes.  Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely.  People say that so freely, that I sometimes wonder if the lonely they're talking about is them just being bored. 

I was asked, "If I don't have this (insert emotion), then what am I?"  I asked myself this the other day.  If I didn't have that abortion, and the pain, depression, and guilt that came with it, then what am I?  It's been 5 years, and I hardly know myself before all that happened, that I have to ask myself, could I ever go back to the girl I was?  Probably not.  I've built walls, and I've found comfort in things that brings me joy, that probably wouldn't even cross my mind 5-6 years ago.

I was also told once that you change every 5 years or so, and I didn't used to believe that, but now I do.  I definitely am not who I was 5 years ago, nor do I want to be.  I'm honoring myself by being truthful to this decision.  I'm happy, and that's all that I can ask for.  It's more than anyone can ask for.

Be well, my friends.

Extended version...

of life when it's a bad day.

Ormond Gigli

Models in the Window 1960

There are no words, just beautiful beyond expression.

An underwater martial arts performance. This video took the efforts of 50 people and had a pre-production period of four months. The filming itself took around 36 hours total.

Our waiter said...

to me and my fiancé, who is blind in one eye, and partially blind in the other eye, as he saw me leading my man to the table.  My man was holding onto my elbow, which FYI, is a good way to lead blind people because then they can feel every movement you make a couple seconds before they have to make the same movement, ie, steps.

Waiter:  Oh, it's so nice of you to lead him.  You're a good person. Me:  This is my fiancé. Waiter:  Oh, I thought you were helping him. Me:  I am, because he can't see that well. (I look over at my man, and he has this smile on his face, as if to say, "this guy,") Waiter:  I guess you only need one menu then. Me: Yep, one menu would be great, but he already knows what he wants, like usual. (My man is a creature of habit) Waiter:  Where are you from? Me:  I'm from Columbus, Ohio. Waiter:  No, where are you really from? Me:  Well, I was born in New York Waiter:  No, no, where are you really from?  Are you American? Me:  (sigh)  I'm Chinese American Waiter:  So you're from China. Me:  (I look over at my man, and he's trying so hard not to laugh)  No, but my parents are.  (Before our waiter can ask)  Yes, I speak Chinese. Waiter:  Good, good, enjoy your dinner. My man:  Well, that was awkward Me:  the most awful 3 minute conversation ever. ~~~~~

I know that some people don't know better, but from the way that the waiter was speaking was like he couldn't believe my man wasn't retarded and eating from a straw the way he looked at him with pity.  Please, though my man may be legally blind, he is so much more aware than me. He protects me, he makes me walk away from traffic, so if a car comes barreling over, it'll hit him before it hits me.  He helps teach a woman's self defense class at OSU. 

He allows women to pepper spray, punch, and kick him, and doesn't mind when the women giggle as he writhes in pain.  He'd rather he get hurt than them.  He also carries a gun on him, wherever the law allows him.  He teaches Conceal and Carry classes. 

He's very skilled at shooting, and that's where he met many of his friends.  They are extremely loyal and great towards him.  They trust him, and vice versa.  Yes, he is legally blind, but he also has sight.  It's all very confusing, and it's a story for another time. 

It just really bothers me when people take one look at him, and that look of fear or pity show up.  I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  Eventually I will, but not now.

Saving this for myself, for my self.

today my anthro professor said something kindof really beautiful:

“you all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you, that’s why you’re here, in college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you”

I'm sorry...

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sorry I never appreciated you while I was growing up.  I'm sorry that I didn't see the sacrifices that you made for me, as Asian immigrants.  I hated you when you would embarrass me in front of my friends or in public when you'd speak to me in Chinese. 

I hated that I was Chinese at one point in my life, and I'm so sorry for that, I'm deeply shamed by that now.  I was embarrassed by my heritage, and all I wanted was a normal life as a white American.  I wanted that so much that I prayed for it.  I hated my eyes, my skin color, and my general look of not looking Anglo Saxon American. 

I'm sorry that for that one year, I acted white, like I didn't understand Chinese, or refused to eat anything Asian.  I'm sorry I made you worry.  I'm sorry for myself, because for that one year, I could've learned so much. 

Growing up, I deeply resented you two to my bone.  You two worked so hard, accomplished so much, but it fell on blind eyes, and deaf ears.  You two were never home, and it was up to my brother to take care of me, which he used to resent me for as well.  I loved him so much, and he never really returned that love.  It must've felt like that for you too. 

I'm sorry that I don't trust you two, enough to share this with you.  That you won't really understand what I'm saying, or out right deny everything I'm sharing.  I'm sorry that you'll never know.

I'm sorry for everything that I've said that made you feel anything other than happiness, and I'm sorry for what I'll say to you in the future that make you feel anything other than happiness.  Such is the way of life, and not everybody is meant to die happy.

Seasons change, and friends move away, and life goes on from day to day, but I do know for a fact, that I love the both of you so much, so much that I'd rather die than see you both in a grave.  I want to thank you, and apologize for being so difficult at times, but I know, also for a fact, that your love is boundless, and beyond the farthest star.

Love

Wei Shing