Latest Posts by hospitaiforbrokensouls-blog - Page 6

“I crave touch, yet I flinch every time someone is close enough.”

— Unknown (via sheholdsyoucaptivated)

I was driving home tonight, the roads were very icy, very dangerous, and there was no one else on the road. I drove faster than I should, hoping that the car would lose grip, but I saw another car on the road, so I slowed down, I don’t want to risk anyone else’s life, just my own. How I wish something had happened, I don’t want to feel like this any longer

“i almost always feel like i don’t fit in like my personality is wrong like i will never be enough for who I am”

— t.m. (via tmpoem)

it sucks how you still stick around for friends that are in need of help or need a shoulder but when you need that help or shoulder they leave you or block you😔😔😔

“No matter how hard I try I will always be left out, will never be as important as them, will always be forgotten and the only reason someone calls is because they might need something from me. I feel unwanted and worthless. They make me feel unwanted and worthless. But they’re all I have…”

— (via suicidalnixi)

Coming to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me or needs me. I’m unimportant and invisible. I’ll soon disappear and everything will still be the same it’ll be better for everyone, the good thing about people not caring about me

i hate that i’m so absent as a person. i don’t start conversations. i can barely maintain them. i’m so weary and spaced out all the time to the point where i can’t even keep up small talk and i’m just so disappointed in myself

Why is it so easy for literally everyone I know to ignore me? Why do I mean so little to everyone, that they don’t want to respond to me, they don’t want to talk to me? All I want is one friend, who wants to talk to me, who wants to spend time with me. One friend who cares about me

“I don’t know why I have to stay alive if i’m going to live forever sad…”

—

It secretly terrifies me that I have no solid personality or identity. If you asked me who I am I could only give you a name and age. My identity is fragmented and prone to shattering under pressure. I have no idea who I am, but I know each of my created personalities very well, it’s like being 50 people all at once and nobody at all at the same time. I’m an empty body with a mind that’s overflowing.

No, you don’t understand. People with BPD notice everything. We notice when you don’t smile as wide at us one morning. We notice when you don’t hug as tight. When you don’t sound quite as happy when speaking to us. When you look the slightest bit uninterested in what we’re saying.

And when you talk to someone else. When you talk to someone else and look like you’re enjoying yourself, we assume that you’d rather be with them all of the time. So we leave before you can confirm or deny that.

And if you start telling us about a fun time you had with someone else it will not end well. We might be too shy to speak up about it, but it’ll still eat away at us. We’ll feel abandoned. 

And “You should have been there!” is the absolute worst thing to say. We know we should have been there. We want to have been there. We know you had fun and we’re happy that you did, but the sadness of feeling abandoned completely obliterates that. So don’t rub it in.

Instead, say, “Yeah, we had fun, but I’m glad I’m here now” or, “… that you’re here now”. It really makes us feel loved and appreciated. 

I know this barely scratches the surface of what we feel on a daily basis, but I hope this can help those who don’t know.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

And the dissociation continues....

Before I felt myself becoming numb to outside situations. Where I was didn’t matter anymore, I was never there mentally, my thoughts were usually far away on some other topic, situation, whatever. I could feel myself losing grasp of things, could feel people closing themselves off from me. I’m sure I was a terrible bore. Now I have been isolated, left alone to delve even further into my inner mind, becoming even more oblivious to anything. My boyfriend, being mainly so self centered most of the time talks endlessly about himself about his problems. He could ask me about school and interrupt me halfway through the first sentence to say “oh yeah…” and recommence talking endlessly about his job and the next plan he has to fuck with his boss. I don’t have to pay attention anymore. In fact I can hardly remember a time where I ever paid attention completely, his talking was always endless. All I had to do was sit there and laugh or say yeah noncommittally and that has always been enough, as long as he had one person to listen to him it never mattered much what their response was. After all he has all the answers. Or my mom when she talks I no longer find the words to continue conversation I just perform another noncommittal gesture and the conversation ceases, until she makes another attempt and the cycle continues. I don’t remember the last time I have been invited to hang out with anyone, I’m sure everyone got sick of the huge gap of life missing in my existence. Generally I feel bad, I feel bad that I used to have friends that now find me boring, but most of all I feel bad that my mother who loves me more than anything despite her flaws has to be continually shut down by whats most likely her only cause for existence. It produces guilt within me but not the energy required to solve the situation, to actually sit down and have a normal conversation with her, other than what I did for the week, I’d like to ask her questions about her own life instead of saying “Ma I need to go get this homework done.” Or when she asks how her cooking was when I haven’t eaten in however many days (not intentionally, much to my dismay, and her completely unaware of this fact.) I just grunt a meaningless show of thanks instead of telling her how much I appreciate it. I tell her that I’m going to do the dishes but after putting it off for several hours she gets up and just does them herself and instead of putting in a word and telling her to stop I sit there and listen.

As much as I love my boyfriend it’s times like these where I really wish he could see a little more beyond himself and his problems. I am after all, the girl he’s supposedly in love with. I wish dating him hadn’t been just another factor that caused the loss of so many friends. My time devoted only to him, the way he wants it.

Now I am stuck in a position with myself where I can no longer find a way out of. For a long time this is what I wanted, I just wanted to be able to get out when I wanted to as well. I don’t like the way I’m living, I want to be all there, in the moment, not drifting away into my own head thinking about something completely irrelevant. Any idea’s on how to get myself out of such dissociation?

Anger.

There is anger in me

One that never ceases, never stops

It hides under the surface

Curling under my skin

Like a snake in its lair

It has chosen me

I’m the host.

My parasite, my fire,

Ready to rage when my strength wilts

Ready at any moment to pounce

When I let down

My defences.

And I’m tired.

I want to give in

But if I give in, it will consume

The earth.

signs that your family is abusive:

•you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable

•you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry

when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault

•you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you

•you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults

•you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you

you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you

•you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you

•you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way

•you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you

•you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them

•you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up

•you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them

•you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life

•you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway

•you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing

•you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family

•you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped.

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing. 

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad  day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe  me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed. 

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative. 

Lets talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand why you’re having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why .

Because this explains so much.

Because this explains so much.

Loss

I lost someone who was very dear to me. And I should feel sad and grief, but I just don’t.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe it’s because I feel this constant sadness all the time, day after day, so it wouldn’t make any difference.

I can’t even cry over it. If I wouldn’t know it any better, I’d say I don’t care. But I really do. It’s just not affecting me emotionally for some reason.

I am bummed out. But I don’t feel this big emotion called Loss.

Or maybe I am just not realizing it right now.

me: has a breakdown because mental illness has ruined so much for me

also me: but am i really mentally ill tho?? how can i be sure? how do i know i’m not faking and making things up for attention?? i’m probably exaggerating because i want to be sick

“Loneliness doesn’t come from having no people around you but from being unable to communicate about the things that seem important to you”

— Carl Jung

An apology letter to myself…

I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the days that I laid in bed, without knowing or even trying to figure out your purpose for existing or without having a will to continue living.

I’m sorry that I doubted you, and your ability to walk this life with a genuine smile.

I’m sorry for living in that hopeless mindset for years and years, without getting up to try and fix it.

I held onto the thought of a potential life long failure, to keep myself safe from my own disappointment, when I’ve only really held you back from what you could have achieved. I’ve only pulled you away from the opportunities that could have landed you on a path of financial and mental wellbeing.

I should have treated this body like a temple, but instead I treated it as a landfill for hard drugs, bottles of liquor and slit wrists.

I chose to cope with the pain that trauma buried in the deepest part of my mind, in a way that only brought 10x more crisis and hurt into my life.

I’m sorry for the actions and the decisions I made through out my dismal years.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve tried to kill you, without thinking about the second way out. But somehow we found it, floating in the missing thoughts that hopelessness hid from us.

So I’m sorry, but I also want to say thank you, because without the trauma, the horrible experiences, the childhood of pain, and all of the struggles, I wouldn’t have ever been able to find the strength I have now. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the small things that a lot of people take for granted.

Thank you for helping me become the light when I stopped searching for it.

Someone’s tone changes for even a split second and it’s like suddenly you can’t focus on anything but for the fact that you MUST have done something to upset them and you need to either fix it or just shut up

To my friends with depression

Depression is hard. It fucking sucks. I know that not everyone understands, which makes it suck even more. You yourself might not fully understand, and that’s okay. You aren’t alone. I know a lot of people don’t want to take meds because they “don’t want to be a zombie”. I know it’s scary, and it might take a few tries before it helps, but you owe it to yourself to fight this. I know not everyone listens but you owe it to yourself to find someone who will. No, meds won’t fix everything but they will help, make things bearable again. Do this for yourself, don’t give up. I believe in you, and you’re not alone.