Day 2:

Day 15:

How do you deal with criticism?

It truly depends on whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. If I am in a work or school setting and someone is correcting something that I've done or giving helpful tips, I appreciate it to my core. And that is because I am a firm believer in always learning and if I am doing something wrong, I will never know until someone comes along to help. In essence, I welcome constructive criticism when it comes from a good place.

On the other side of that coin, there is destructive criticism which I will cry in private about later. These are instances when someone will acknowledge something I am self-conscious about in a negative way. Not to sound like a broken record but I am bigger and overall I am considered fat, so when someone criticizes me based on size, food, looks, etc. it truly does hurt. I will act like it does not bother me but deep down it shatters me. I am trying to hard to find self-love and to love the body that I am in and all it takes is a couple words to set back that progress.

– Audrey Hepburn

Day 4:

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

The one memory I would get rid of is from the hospital the day my dad woke up after losing his voice. Not to make a horrible situation that happened to my dad all about me but that day was so very traumatic. I remember that they had told us that he had cancer from smoking cigarettes but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it was.

It was nighttime when he finally woke up and the room was packed to capacity with people checking up on him. But he woke up so frustrated and angry and all he was doing was grunting and trying to write. He was trying so hard to tell us what he needed and nothing would come out. It was the saddest moment of my life because he was a man who filled any room with his loud voice and laughter.

I remember that everyone around me was crying and that frustrated him even more. Every time he saw someone crying he would start banging things next to him. So instead of crying like everyone else around me, I stayed stoic. I tried my hardest to be the person he needed at that moment. I tried my best and I succeeded, but at what cost?

I mean here I am more than 10 years later and that memory still haunts me. The guilt still lingers.

I feel guilty because before he lost his voice he used to scream all the time. He used to scream so much that we thought his voice was hoarse from the yelling, not cancer. But it was too much for me; I remember I used to pray for him to stop screaming. I used to pray for some peace and quiet and when I finally had it, it was mortifying.

I can't remember his voice, I think that is the worst part.

He died in 2020 after they amputated both of his legs and told him they were going to have to take his arm too. He lived such a miserable life that I was so happy when he finally passed. He no longer had to suffer and neither did I. And while the death certificate is only 3 years old, I truly believe that the day he lost his voice is the day he died inside.

Queen of the Damned (2002)

The Kelpie by Herbert James Draper (1913)

What does my childhood me need the most?

I think childhood me needs stability, reassurance, love, and peace. I know it could have been much worse, in comparison to other people’s childhood, but what I went through has affected me deeply.

I felt like I was in a constant state of turmoil, always walking on egg shells around my parents. I felt like we were always being pulled back and forth by both parents. We were pawns to them and used as excuses for them to live in their toxicity. They couldn’t live without each other and we suffered because of it.

I have never known what it was like to grow up with parents who loved each other selflessly. There were always restrictions in place and even when it came to us, I felt like they loved each other more than they ever loved us.

Because of all of this, I have been in a constant state of anxiety and that has followed me into my adult life. I am a mix of both of my parents, in the worst ways possible.

I wish I could go back and hug childhood me and let her know that I love her so much. I want her to speak her mind more instead of bottling it up. I know she has so much love to give.

Johann Peter Hasenclever (1810-1853) - Young woman at the open window looking at the full moon

Oil on canvas. Painted in 1840.

13.8 x 12 inches, 35 x 30.5 cm. Estimate: €8,000-12,000.

Sold Neumeister, Munich, 29 June 2023 for €20,800 incl B.P.

I have been profoundly lacking when it comes to trying to update once a day, so here I am, once again trying to get back on track. Not that anyone but myself reads this but I will be answering days 8, 9, and 10 probably.