Howamisolucky - And What If It Does?

And what if it does work out?

It will.

Are we all just pullin' you down? [x]

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Connecting the dots: constellations in the skies of old.

OK, I feel like I need to make a list because the point of this whole Tumblr was to stay on track and I have done nothing to stay on track. I have not started working out, I have not started eating better, and I am messier than ever.

I am going to make a weekly chart and hopefully, I can stick to it.

Again, hopefully, by posting it here, I will be able to stay on track!

Wish me Lucky!

Why am I injured?

I’m not physically injured which I think makes me feel all the worse about myself. I am able bodied while people are struggling yet I can’t seem to heal from the wounds I’ve received growing up. I’m an adult and I can’t get over everything that I’ve been through. I don’t know how to heal. I’m afraid that I’ll be like this forever.

Forever closing myself off to opportunities and people because I’m scared of opening old wounds. I’m turning out just like my parents and I hate that about myself. I wanted so much more from my life but i genuinely feel like I’m cursed or making up for some kind of past karmic bullshit from a previous life.

Every time life is good and I’m in a good headspace, things go crashing down and get 10x’s worse. I feel like I’m caught out in a storm and I keep getting pushed out to see. I’m so tired all the time and I don’t know how much longer I can keep swimming. Some days I just want to sink and let it be done with. Have my next self deal wihth whatever karmic justice they need to make up for because it’s too much for me in this life.

Day 14:

What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?

Since I am fatter than most people, I try to minimize myself in several ways. I try not to take up too much space but always end up failing. When I am on a plane, I will make myself uncomfortable by squeezing my arms in so that I do not touch the person next to me. Id I am in a car, I will do the same but scooch as close to the door as possible. If I am in a crowded place, in an elevator, on the sidewalk, etc.

It is so subconscious at this point that I do not realize even doing it. It truly was not until this question that I realized I was making myself uncomfortable so that my bigness would not offend or bother anyone around me.

What I flaunt is more of a difficult question because it is so much easier to think of the negative than the positive. But I think that I am at a place in my life where I will proudly (kinda but I'll explain later) flaunt my height. I love wearing heels and I love going out and peering over a group because with heels I am about 6 feet tall. BUt the only time I feel self-conscious about my height is when a guy I am talking to is shorter than me in heels. And I KNOW that I shouldn't care but it is still a stigma that has stuck to me that will take some time to unlearn.

In the garden and Summer, 1890s

Thomas Wilmer Dewing

What are my red flags and green flags?

Let’s start with the positives, my green flags. I might sound like a broken record but I have so much love to give and it shows everyday. I am always thinking of everyone else around me in little ways. Someone needs to vent? I’m there to listen. Oh, something of yours is broken? Come use it at my place to make your life easier. I’m out at the store and something reminds me of you, I’ll get it because I know it’ll make you happy. Have you eaten today? Let me stop and get you something. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I like to think the best of people. I know it’s coming off like I’m a people pleaser (obviously I want people to like me) but I just want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of.

Now, some of my red flags are that I value my pride and bottle up my emotions tight. I know that is a learned behavior from watching my parents interact with each other and that I am more like them than I care to admit. Since I love so deeply, once someone fucks me over, they’re dead to me. And I know that’s not healthy and I’m working on it but that’s how I’ve always been. The thought of being made to look stupid after I have done so much for a person is my biggest fear. And if that ever does happen, I probably won’t even address how that made me feel, I’ll just bottle up my emotions and keep it moving. Again, I feel like it correlate with being embarrassed because what if they don’t care what I have to say? What if it was all a game to begin with? While there could be some truth to that, I know that’s my brain self-sabotaging me too. In my heart I know that I should address the person if I ever feel wronged in some way because there might be a chance to fix the things that bother me. Or even if it’s just to get things off my chest in the moment to avoid the pain of it hurting me in random moments later in the future. I know this is something I have to unlearn too and I am trying to do better but it hasn’t been something that I’ve felt comfortable doing. I’m going to start small and go from there.

“They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.” - Edward Bloom

Big Fish (2003)

Day 9:

What do you need to stop running away from?

If there is one thing that I need to stop running from, it is change. I do not mean change around me because I am always open to learning new things and opening my mind but I mean change when it directly affects me. I hope and pray everyday to be a better version of myself but I never do anything to initiate it. At the moment, I am working out and trying to eat healthier but the little voices in my head are fighting hard and winning. I am trying to find new job opportunities and I am trying to get back to school and I am just overall trying to crawl out of this hole that I am in but I feel defeated.

Every time I think that I am finally getting somewhere, there is a new obstacle and I am so tired. I am so tired of just being and fighting and looking at others where things come so easily. I am not sure what I have done in this life or past ones but I want to change that and don't know how. I know I walked about comparing myself to others and how I need to stop that but in instances like this, it is so hard.

While this does affect me, I will not let it drag me down.