Insidemynotebook - J

Still alive and finally happy.

We never talk and it feels so shit,

Not if I could do a single thing.

I think about it every minute

But this is just a useless ticket.

This road won’t take us anywhere

And we’ll never be a pair

All I feel is pity,

And I can’t see through clearly.

Somehow everything reminds me of you

Songs, photos and views too.

Unable to kick you out of my mind

For me, you’re one of a kind.

In reality you’re just a person

Important for me, I know this for certain.

I shouldn’t keep my hopes high

Cause I know you’ll just make me cry.

Although it’s not your intention

You always get my attention.

You don’t do this on purpose

But I always and up nervous.

~J

That one hit hard tho

Gondolatok

Gondok

Melyeket papírra vetve

Ki nem mondok.

Unatkozok

Írok

De legalább most

Nem sírok.

Talán a kiégés szélén

Vagy csak a kíváncsiság

Révén

Néha kicsit félénk.

Nem tudom

Soha nem is fogom

Csak sodródom

És elfogadom.

Excited for what?

Disappointment

Or love?

Not if it was real…

More like a thrill.

This is all so fake

Like the thought

Of living in peace

But still

I hope for something

That will never be clear.

Isn’t it obvious?

Aren’t you self-conscious?

Drowning in idealism

But need more realism.

Well, I just need to accept the fact that everyone’s disappointed in me, my best friend, my parents… And the one person I truly have feelings for doesn’t need me either. I just want to disappear.

I’m happy now

So happy I could cry

Or laugh

Smiling alone at my room

Seeing everything in pink

You know

With those rose tinted glasses.

I’m delighted

Relieved.

Should stay that way.

But there is something

When I close my eyes

You still haunt me.

I really should not think about it

There is someone special who makes me happy

So what do you want from me?

Why can’t you leave me the way you did in April?

That went totally easily

Not for me

For you especially.

I won’t beg you to go away

But keep in mind

What you left is pain.

When I stargaze you pop up in my mind

Again after every damage

I wish I could erase you

I don’t need you

Neither do you

All in all

Just let me be

Don’t come up in my dreams

Leave my memories clean

Push yourself away.

And finally

Let me live.

Take away my feelings

Calming waves in the dark away from the world, just thoughts. Hitting the walls built for protection only leaving questions. Cold evening wind I’m begging: take away my feelings. Drown them as before I don’t care  what’s left anymore. The last hope I had died out right after we met. So please, I’m asking you desperately: Take away my feelings.