Invisiblynumb

Im still getting over the fact that you will never pay for what you did. But I will. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, it doesn’t go away.

When I say that I am afraid of being my father or making mother’s mistakes , I am greeted with the old saying , the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as if I am destined to be just like them solely because I am a product of them. I want to tell them that the apple can roll away. That it can hit the ground running and drift away with the creeks stream. That it can be picked up by gentle hands and placed somewhere different , a better place where the apple is polished and admired and painted like its art. The apple still did come from the tree, they’ll argue.

But it can feel different , be different.

The apple doesn’t have to go far in order to be nothing like the rest of the tree. My exterior may look like theirs but I am not filled with their rot.

You thought you were going to be hot shit, didn’t you? You thought you were going to be somebody , didn’t you? Overreaching without ambition, you know what that means? It means you weren’t brave enough to be better. It means you are mediocre. You wanna fail me? I fucking dare you! Screw your courage to the sticking place and make it mean something to you because this banality, this falsity you wallow in will devour you until you are as small as you pretend to be. And then… you will disappear and no one will give any more thought to you than they do an unread cookie fortune..

I wanted to be loved, but not like this.

Not like a lighthouse watching ships, that never dock.💔