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If the world was ending

Felix x reader. Estranged childhood best friends to lovers. Angst and happy ending. highly recommend listening to If the world was ending while reading :)

Felix has always been there with you, from the moment you've met him when you were 8 years old, until he suddenly no longer was, and you were left to grapple with the consequences of his absence- and those of his return.

cw: description of a car accident, reader has a fear of loud noises.

skz song series masterlist

12 march 2011 

Screeching brakes, a jarring collision, glass shattering all around you, shards of it embedding into your tender skin. You are too young to understand it all, but you know it's bad. You are suddenly upside down, the only thing helping you stay put is the seatbelt fastened around you. You didn't really like seatbelts but your mom always insisted on you wearing one.

Your mom, you can't see her face, she's upside down too, and she isn't talking. That's unusual because you're crying and she isn't turning around to comfort you. Someone is screaming outside of your car, and then you are pulled out. You don't know who's touching you, and you want them to stop. Where is your mom? Why did they not pull her out too?

An ambulance approaches you; its loud sirens feel like pine needles drilling into your skull. You try to cover your ears but your hands are covered in blood. The world around you is painted red- the flashing lights of the sirens and the liquid oozing from your cuts. It’s no longer your favorite color.

27 may 2011 

You are playing in the playground near your home, waving at your mom from the top of the slide. She's gotten better, she smiles more easily at you now. And you are trying to be a good kid too; you help wash the dishes and you clean your room all by yourself. You don't want your mom to feel sad again and go back to that dreaded hospital. 

You slide out, happy giggles leaving your mouth, before climbing up the tiny stairs once again. But as you reach the top, an ambulance rushes by the playground. You don't know what's happening, but you suddenly feel shards of glass on your skin once again. Your hands are shaking as you sit on the floor, curling around yourself in a ball.  

"What's wrong?" someone asks and you lift your head tentatively. It's a young boy, he's looking at you worriedly, a tiny pout on his lips. 

"I don't like ambulances," you hiccup, burying your head in your knees again. 

Suddenly, small hands cover your ears, muffling the shrill sound of sirens. They are warm and sticky from the red popsicle he’s still holding.

"Now you can't hear them," he giggles, his eyes disappearing into moon crescents. Despite your raging fear, a smile finds its way into your lips.

"What's those on your face," you ask with a small voice, pointing at the faint marks dusting his cheeks. 

"They're called freckles," he says proudly and you nod. 

"They're pretty."

"Thank you!" he grins at you, his hands still covering your ears. The tightness in your chest seems to dissipate slowly before his kind smile- the shadows never stood a chance in front of the sun. 

"What's your name?" 

"Felix. And you?"

"Yn." 

"We should be friends," he beams and you grin back, agreeing wholeheartedly. "We should." 

15 november 2021 

You are sitting on the grass of that very same playground, Felix still by your side. The night breeze is cooling as it brushes against your bodies, and you're wearing his red sweater. It smells like his cologne and your perfume- an intoxicating scent you've come to memorize by heart. 

His nose tip is rosy from the cold, and you can't resist tapping it playfully. "Your nose is pink," you giggle, and he smiles, gently bopping yours in return. 

"So is yours."

You look at him as he gazes up at the stars above. You love Felix, it has always been crystal clear to you. From the moment he planted the seed of his friendship into your soul, and throughout the years when it bloomed into something more, bigger than the two of you. It wrapped around your being entirely, binding itself into your every atom, until all you saw is his reflection in you. 

And you were tired of treading the line between friendship and something more. You wanted, no craved being with him, your yearning so intense it spilled from you each time he was around. In rosy cheeks and shaky fingers and eyes that soften only when they rest on him- evidence of your love imprinted all upon you. 

You take in a deep breath, before laying your hand gently on his cheek, turning his face to meet yours. His eyes widen slightly at the soft touch, and you lean in closer to him. You brush your nose against his, slowly, "to warm it up," you whisper, as his breath hitches in his throat. 

He's close, he's so close, you can almost taste the brownies you shared earlier on his lips. You can see his freckles ever so clearly, constellations you often find yourself getting lost in. Your hand is still on his cheek, and you can feel it burning up under your palm. 

You close your eyes, as his lips are now just a breath away from yours. It's electrifying- having him so near to the way you've always dreamed, fantasized about. But he needs to be the one to take the jump, all he has to do is lean in a bit, and you'd kiss him. You won't ever let go. 

"Lixie...," you choke out, "kiss me." 

"I want to." His voice is hoarse with emotion, as if fighting with himself for self-restraint. 

"So do it," you ask, swiping your thumb gently across his cheek. Your breaths mingle with one another in a dizzying dance. 

"I'm leaving," he says so faintly, you believe for a second that you've imagined it. 

"What?" you ask, leaning a bit away to be able to look at him. 

"I'm leaving," he repeats, his eyes tightly shut. "We're moving to another country, for my dad's job." 

"You're leaving me?" you ask, bewildered. 

"I'm not leaving you-"

"But you are. You won't be here anymore." You drop your hand, taking hurried steps away from him. Touching him didn't feel electrifying anymore, it felt horrible and nauseous, because you won't get to do it again. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to-" 

"How long have you known?" 

"Yn..."

"Felix," you say, tone stern. "How long?" 

"Six months," he whispers and a bitter chuckle escapes your lips.

"When are you leaving?"

"In a week." 

The pain becomes unbearable, and you turn your back to him so he wouldn't see your rapidly falling tears. You are angry, as a disguise for the sadness threatening to drown you. Him leaving tasted like the salty water you gulp when you dive in too quickly into the ocean. And you did dive in, in him, in his soul and everything that made up Felix. And now he was leaving you, with no anchor to help you float again.

"Is that why you insisted on spending so much time with me lately? Because you were leaving?" 

"You need to understand I didn't know how to tell you, I- I don't even know who I am without you." He pleads, his own eyes shimmering with unshed tears, reminding you of tiny diamonds. That's how it is with Felix, you found beauty in everything he did- even tearing your heart in half. 

"Maybe you should've thought of how I would feel. You were thinking of leaving me while I..." Your voice breaks and you take a shaky breath.  "While I was falling in love with you." 

"I'm in love with you too," he quickly says, reaching out to hold your hand. "I love you, I always have." He's wrapping his arms around you, and you're letting him because it feels safe and secure. Because he’s still your Felix, even if he's leaving you behind. 

You wonder what you must have done in a past life, what a horrible person you could've been for the universe to treat you this cruelly. To hand you everything you've ever wanted in a silver platter, and snatch it from your hands before you could dare to grab it. 

"We'll make it work," he mumbles into your hair, placing a tender kiss on your temple. "We'll talk and we can be together."

"No, we can't. I'll just hold you back from living your new life, I can't have that." 

"Don't talk like that, please," his voice wavers, words barely managing to slip out of his mouth. Regret overtakes your body so suddenly at the thought of his lips- you shouldn't have tried to kiss him. Maybe then he wouldn't have told you he was leaving. 

"It's the truth. we'll grow to hate each other, distance will put a strain on us. I'd rather not talk to you than have you resent me." 

"But-"

"Just hold me," you cut him off. "As if nothing's happening, please." 

And he complies because Felix always does. Because he loves you and as much as he doesn't want to, he knows you're right. 

•••••

It's been three months since Felix left- the days passed by agonizingly slowly, and yet the months went by in a blur, a hauntingly vivid reminder of what once was. At first, the texts between you two were frequent, but as time wore on, the messages grew sporadic, from your end, mostly. Seeing him flourish in his new life felt like salt on an open wound, a reminder that he was moving on while you were still anchored in memories of him. 

You saw him in every corner of your city. The smell of brownies that he's made countless times, each time you felt sad. The way he kissed your cheek each time he won a game, while you were lying on his bed, bored. The way he hugged you whenever you were sick, gently tucking strands of your hair behind your ear. The way he covered your ears instinctively at each loud noise, knowing how scared it made you still. 

And you've felt each of these emotions since he was gone. You were sad and bored and sick and happy and scared. And he wasn't here with you through them. Each moment away from Felix seemed to magnify what could have been- what should have been between the two of you.

There is a building construction next to you, loud cement blocks crashing to the ground. And you are curled around yourself in a protective ball, covering your ears with your hands, because Felix isn't here to do it anymore for you. 

You and Felix have grown with one another, your soul carefully woven into his, like two threads intricately stitched into the same tapestry. Him leaving felt like half of your body was cut off from you, and you were left alone to figure out how to function with an incomplete heart. 

17 july 2023 

Summer break meant coming back home and sleeping in your childhood bedroom once again. Memories of Felix still lingered in there- posters he has given you and his red sweater that you've never found the courage to throw away. It doesn't hurt as much to remember him, the sharp pain morphed into a dull ache you've grown accustomed to by now. 

You're watching the TV mindlessly when someone knocks on your door, and you go to open it without a second thought, expecting it to be your parents. It wasn't.

"Felix?" you stammer, stumbling back in shock. You blink repeatedly, in a desperate attempt to make sure he's not a figment of your twisted imagination. You haven't uttered his name in so long, and the syllables felt both foreign and familiar in your mouth. 

"It's me," he smiles sheepishly, his hand scratching the back of his neck. 

"You are here," you whisper, stating the obvious. He didn't change much, his kind brown eyes and freckles still as captivating as before. But his features were sharper, prettier, and the sight of him is making you dizzy once again. 

"I am." 

"What are you doing here?" You ask cautiously, opening the door a bit wider to let him in. 

"I requested a transfer to your university. I wanted to come back. I missed home, and I missed you," he adds softly, making a turmoil of emotions surge within you. 

You clear your throat. "So, you are back for good?" 

"I am," he says, smiling slightly at you as if to gauge your reaction. You stay silent and his grin falters; his tongue resting against the inside of his cheek, a habit he hasn't let go of apparently. He then walks to the kitchen and you follow suit. You don't have to show him around, he knows your home like the back of his hand. He spent most of his childhood here after all, even though his house was only a few blocks away. 

"How have you been?" he asks as he opens the cupboard to take out a glass. He closes its door softly, careful not to make it thud. 

"I'm good. It's summer break so I'm finally back home, what about you?"

"I'm good too. It's nice to be back." 

Your conversation is strained and awkward, so unnatural of you both. There was so much to say, so much to ask about, but you couldn't bring yourself to speak. He felt like uncharted territory to you now, one you didn't have the strength to discover once again.

"It's your mom's birthday tomorrow, right?" he smiles and you nod. 

"Should we make her our cookies? Like we used to before I..." 

"Before you left," you finish, bitterness dripping from your tone.

Hurt flashes in his eyes and you feel your heart suddenly clench in your chest. It was unfair for you to treat him this way. He was only seventeen and if your parents were to move away you would've followed them too. 

"Okay, let's do it." You smile sincerely for the first time since he came back to you. 

You both move seamlessly in the kitchen, each knowing your tasks like a choreographed dance. This was a tradition that started when you were twelve years old. You'd brown the butter while he beat the egg and sugar together. He'd sift the flour while you cut up chocolate. He'd mix it all while you preheat the oven. And then you'd roll the dough together. 

Your hands brush against one another as you shape up the cookies, and it feels so intense you almost drop to the floor. You miss him, you miss him so much and he's near you and you can't seem to think straight anymore. 

When the cookies are finally in the oven, he silently washes the dishes while you dry them. He abruptly pauses, hands still covered in soap before turning back to you. 

"Can we talk? Please?" he says too quickly as if he's been overthinking asking this question. 

"I'm busy today," you scramble to think of an excuse, you weren't ready to face him yet. 

"Tomorrow?"

"I'm staying with my mom, then there is Han’s party."

"I'll be there too. We can talk then, please?" he asks, eagerness evident in his voice. 

"Fine. Let's talk there," you concede and he nods, awkwardly shifting in his place. He finishes the dishes before drying his hands. You avoid his gaze and he sighs softly. "I'll get going. Tell your mom happy birthday from me." 

"Will do." You smile tightly and he does the same, before finally leaving your home, and in his trail, a maelstrom of emotions you weren't certain how to deal with.

18 july 2023 

You're at the reunion party Han is hosting with all your high school friends. You watch as Felix takes turns talking to everybody. He fits right in here, a puzzle perfectly clicking in place as if he's never left. He's telling a joke to Chan who laughs loudly, hitting Minho's arm repeatedly. Everyone is happy he's back, because they never had to gravel with the consequences of his absence. Because he's never ripped their heart out. 

Felix is looking for you around the room- he hasn't seen you in a while. He assumes you're somewhere around the house, and that you'd like to talk when time has passed. The knot in his stomach tightens as the weight of your conversation dawns on him, he longs to be with you, to undo the past two years he has spent away from you. But he's afraid to mess everything up, once again, so he stays near his friends who are now pulling him outside of the house.

"We have a surprise for you," Han says excitedly before pointing at the sky, "look." 

Fireworks, a dazzling show of blue, red and yellow. And Felix feels as if the colors were drained out of his face and splattered into the night sky before him.

"Where is yn?" he turns to Chan, eyes wide.

"Inside, I think. Why?"

"Stop- stop this, don't start any more fireworks," he urges the boy who's looking at him worriedly. 

"Why, what's wrong? We have a warrant to start them, don't worry."

"No, no you don't understand. Yn hates loud noises," he explains frantically, before bolting inside the house. 

He's yelling your name, and you are nowhere to be found, the sound of the fireworks so loud he isn't even sure you can hear him. 

He opens door after door, and after painstakingly long seconds he finally finds you in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, your head buried in your knees. Just like you were twelve years ago. 

Felix doesn't waste any time, kneeling in front of you to cover your ears with his hands, you look up at him, waterline brimming with unshed tears. 

"It's okay, I'm here. Just focus on my voice," he smiles reassuringly at you, and you clasp your hands on top of his, doing your best to muffle the sound of the explosions. 

"Your hands are still small," you attempt to joke, as hot tears trail down your cheeks. You hated how scared you still were. 

"The perfect size to cover your ears," he smiles at you, his eyes softening when they take in your distressed state. 

You hiccup, overcome by a new wave of emotion- for an entirely different reason this time. "You came." 

"I'll always come. Even if the world was ending, I'll... I'll come to you," he smiles, biting his lower lip to stop his own tears from falling. 

"It'd be useless if you came then. There would be nothing for us to do," you manage to say through shaky breaths. 

"But I'd be with you," he insists, gaze unwavering, "It will be scary for you. I imagine it will be loud, the world can't end silently." 

"Mine did, when you left." Felix's eyes go wide at your words, and you don't care that you are baring your soul entirely to him. "Please don't leave me again. I hate goodbyes with you." 

"Why would we ever say goodbye again, hm?" he reassures, his knuckles brushing against your cheek softly. "I'm never leaving you, as long as you'll have me, I'm here," he whispers, before pulling you into his chest.

Your hands find his back, and his cheek rests on top of your head. And you both close your eyes, an exhale of relief leaving you both at the same time. The world grows dark around the two of you, the only thing you saw was his heart and the overflowing love he still bore for you.

You felt as if you were wandering blind and you could finally see again, as if the string tying you to him wrapped tightly around the both of you, trapping you in his warm embrace.

You don't know what will happen next, but he's holding you now, and he'll hold you when the world is ending, and that is enough.

Browsing through old files, found this from ~two years ago

I think the people who don't believe they're abusive, and have done nothing to better their behaviour as a result, are far more likely to be abusive than the people who've been told that they're dangerous since day one and are always aware of their "potential behavioral issues" (ignoring the fact that literally anyone can have potential behavioral issues)

pussy agenda with hyunjin

-contains mature themes

he can't keep his hands to himself.

doesn't really have to be sexual. but likes to shove his hand down your pants to cup your mound with his hand.

it could be at any time of the day.

regardless of whether you were sitting on the couch. or standing in the kitchen. or doing anything really.

you've gotten so used to it, it doesn't even bother you.

its so casual.

like you'd be telling him about how you read some weirdly interesting article. and he'd lazily walk over to you. listening and acknowledging everything you said.

but his hand had a mind of its own. slipping in your pants, to feel your warm cunt. middle finger running along your slit. before he takes his hand out and continues talking.

there are days when he'll purposely tease you. digging his fingers just a bit in. a small smile on his face when he feels you throb. making you make a startled noise. leaving you wet and swollen.

especially after he gets home from practice. hooking his chin on your shoulder. his left hand kneading your boob and his right hand in your pants.

.

shaving as well.

once, you had forgotten to lock the bathroom door. not like you even had to. the two of you were more than comfortable.

neck aching as you made sure you didn't miss any spots. your leg raised up on the sink counter. razor still in your hand while you shaved.

you had finished with your legs and arms. and now, (as hyunjin would say) your most delicate part remained.

you groaned. jumping a bit as your eyes met with a nonchalant hyunjin. who was leaning against the door frame, hand still resting on the door knob.

"need help?"

your cheeks flushing at his outrageous question. not to mention you were half naked. you needed help. and you trusted him. but it was more because your legs ached.

"i'll help you shave" he admitted, walking in. closing the door behind him.

and he indeed did.

"you don't need to shave by the way" he reassured.

"i'd eat your precious cunt regardless" such a casual statement to make. while keeping your legs open.

"careful" you mumbled, eyes cast down to where he was kneeling down. spreading your pussy lips apart.

as if he was inspecting your folds. gentle with each stroke of the razor.

"i know. baby's delicate pussy is very sensitive" hyunjin muttered, biting his lip as he concentrated on the task at hand. eyes fixed on your pussy. it made you feel very...exposed and maybe a bit turned on. his warm breath making you feel even hotter.

and after he's done.

he kisses it. working his way up.

"gonna have my fun with you later"  pressing his cushioney lips to your freshly shaven pussy. it was almost like he was letting your pussy know well in advance.

and pulling away with accomplishment written all over his face.

cause now you were getting wet.

.

or if he's driving. (like in the recent skz code). he'd be holding the steering wheel with his left hand. his right hand intertwined with yours.

slowly getting carried away.

till his fingers are teasing your slit. rubbing against it and pressing the pads of his index into your pussy. and pulling out. and doing it all over again.

never actually pushing all the way in.

keeping his finger pressed between your folds. almost like he's having his own fun while you're squirming and closing your legs around his hand.

he's focused on driving, reading the sign boards. even asking you if you're hungry. acting normal as though his hand isn't shoved down your panties. but as i mentioned. his fingers are on auto pilot.

in conclusion,

hyunjin would do anything for your pussy. even if that includes fleeting touches.

.

.

.

.

did you like it ehe.......

I made the t-shirt design I wanted, so it's on Redbubble if anyone else want it too or whatever

I love you so much that I start to get violent.

when internet people are like “i love gothic literature but i hate anything that discusses incest, sexual violence, oppression, misogyny, abuse, torture, gore, murder, or death”

SEUNGMIN / S-CLASS KCON LA 2023

played needy girl overdose agai n oh she just like me fr

Depollute Me, Gentle Angel (Seo Changbin)

Pairing: Seo Changbing x GN! Reader (Non-Idol AU)

Words: 7.0k+

Warning(s) (PLEASE READ FOR THIS ONE): Heavy themes of abuse (Verbal, Emotional, Physical, Sexual) (I try not to describe active scenes of abuse, just describing the moments after them via narration and dialogue), Angst, Hurt/Comfort, depressed thoughts, implications of thoughts of suicide, anxiety.

A/N: I was feeling emotional and recallin' my own life and inspiration struck when listening to one of the songs that inspired this. I'm not particularly happy with how it turned out, but it was also a nice, cathartic write. I wanted to make it soft and comforting, so I hope I captured that.

Also this was just going to be a one-shot, but i kinda want to write a Changbin 3rd person POV to go with it...

Summary: Two strangers going through similar circumstances find solace in each others company on a run-down park bench.

Songs: We Will Never Have Sex by Leith Ross & Cherry Wine by Hozier

The warm air that still lingers at the beginning of fall caresses your face. You walk to a nearby, run-down park, needing to get away from your apartment... from the memories that are starting to wear you down. There is a dull ache in your hips, but you pay it no mind. It was a familiar pain to come about on Saturday afternoons. Your hand briefly glides along your neck, and you can still feel the indents of fingernails in your flesh.

You walked through the small park that clearly lacked any care or attention. Plants were overgrown, most of the benches were too broken down to be sat on, the fountain didn't work, and the small playground was closed off save for the swings. For those reasons, it was a quiet park, perfect for you to temporarily escape your reality and memories with him.

You come across a worn-down bench that seems sturdy enough and less rotten than the others.

'Good enough.' You shrug to yourself and sit down on the bench with a heavy sigh. Your mind flashes back to early and the roughness your not-boyfriend boyfriend gave your body. Something he had started doing every Saturday afternoon before his night shift since he and you got together. You still weren't entirely sure if you and he were even a couple. At the start, you thought so, but as time passes... and you've noticed how disinterested he is in you on the rare dates... you're starting to think he is only using you for your body. Even if you said no, he'd guilt trip and make you feel bad until his words either wore you down into consenting or became thinly veiled threats.

You had no one to talk to. Your mind always said it was on you for giving in, so that stopped you from reaching out. You knew deep down what your partner was doing wasn't right or consensual. Still, you deluded yourself for so long into thinking that whatever you two shared was just normal. You've grown tired of it now, sure, but there is that lingering fear that when you speak to someone, they'll just blame you. They'll just stick to the fact that you said yes, even if that yes was forced from you.

You gently shake your head. You came to the park to get away, not recall the shit you're in.

You stared out at the dilapidated park and the afternoon sky. Despite the lack of care, the overgrown vegetation did look pretty. You find yourself not focusing on your surroundings, and your mind starts to slip into a dissociative state. It was a way to comfort yourself after the rough treatment you got. Your mind was blank as your eyes stared out. It was nice. It-

"Excuse me... Can I sit here?" A man's voice snapped you out of your comforting state. You look up to him, not speaking as you return to reality. You take in his appearance. His dark hair looked like it had a nice wave, and his eyes were a rich, dark brown. He wore all black, both his ears were pierced once, and he seemed to have a smaller stature, yet clearly, by his muscles, he worked out to some degree. Your eyes also spot the red mark on his cheek, but you don't let your gaze linger on it. His lips parted again as he spoke. "The other benches are too damaged... this is the only one with open space..."

You blink, and your mind fully clears away the dissociation. His voice trails off when he finishes speaking. His eyes flicker to your neck and then back to your face. He bites his bottom lip and looks away momentarily before looking back at you.

"Oh, sorry." You blink and offer a small smile, which you're sure looked awkward to him. "I was lost in thought. You can sit there."

"Thank you." He replies quietly and sits on the bench, keeping a distance between you both. You briefly look at his side profile, catching his distant look and that red mark on his cheek, which looks more and more like a handprint. You said nothing else. You turned your attention back to the park.

Neither he nor you acknowledge each other further and just sit in silence. You couldn't exactly ignore each other's presence. But clearly, neither of you were at this run-down park for small talk. You both had too much to think about to converse or make friends.

----

It's been four weeks since then, and you find yourself walking to that park again on a Saturday afternoon, the air finally cooling down. Your back and hips ache, and your scalp feels tender, but you didn't let that stop your new routine after your partner left for work.

You've found a great deal of comfort in that run-down park, and a lot of that comes from the man who sits next to you each time. You both still haven't spoken outside the soft 'can I sit here' question either of you will ask depending on who's there first; sometimes you are, sometimes he is. But you've found yourself enjoying the presence of someone who seems to be going through a similar turmoil as you are. And you felt confident he was feeling the same way. Even though neither of you knew each other's names, you found a sense of comfort in the time you both spent on that bench.

When you get to the bench you've deemed yours and his, the man is already sitting there, wearing all dark clothes like usual. His gaze is distant as he looks out at the park.

"Can I sit there?" You ask softly to not startle him. You've picked up that loud voices sometimes tend to make him tense.

"Of course, go ahead." He answers with a small smile, which you thought looked adorable.

You take your usual spot on the bench with a slight wince due to your back and try to untense your muscles. In the distance, you watch a few crows in the long grass, stomping their little feet to beckon worms from the earth.

"Changbin." The man's voice makes you tense a little, not expecting him to speak.

"Pardon?"

"My name is Seo Changbin."

"Oh, my name is (Y/N). It's nice to have a name to your face now." He quietly laughs at your remark.

"Well, (Y/N)... How are you?" He seemed unsure to ask his question, which almost made you laugh.

You quirk a brow, "I'd reply and then ask how you are... but I think we both know our answers."

He chuckles at that, which makes you crack a smile. There is a pause before Changbin speaks again.

"Why do you keep coming back to this park?"

"Well...It's peaceful and... and it is untouched." There was unintentional weight to that last word that left your lips. You wanted the focus off you now. "How about you? Why do you keep coming back?"

"It's tranquil. I don't feel any obligations here." He says with a soft smile growing on his face. You can't help but think it looks nice on him.

----

From that moment on, from your and Changbin's first actual conversation, you both would talk and get to know each other. You told him about your enjoyment of taking care of various houseplants you've taken on. You learned he liked to write and make music, and go to the gym. Favorite movies, books, shows, songs, and other things were also discussed. You found yourself smiling more now, excited to be at that bench when Saturday afternoons were always filled with feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Changbin also started coming out of his shell, and you've seen his loud, fun personality.

Yet you both clearly avoided the obvious. You saw the occasional red marks on his face each time you saw him and caught him tense up at certain sounding voices. You started to notice he was losing muscles. He said he didn't have time anymore to go to the gym. He told you how he stopped making music with his friends despite how much he gushed and talked about his rap group '3Racha,' and you had a gut feeling you knew why.

You knew he spotted things in you as well. You tensed when he accidentally touched your leg one time. You often come to the park stiff from your partner. And there were two times when you had intense-looking bites on your neck that stung and ached.

These were obvious things you both see, yet never speak on it. Neither of you wanted to burst the small bubble you both created to escape your lives.

However, this time would be hard.

You were a little late to the usual time you'd be at the park bench. You walk with a noticeable limp from your legs being held at an odd angle that stretched you to the point of pain. Your wrists were raw and tender from your partner's belt constraining them. The now cooler air nips at your arms and face. You forgot to grab your sweater, wanting simply to get out of your apartment and away from what happened.

When you got to your little slice of paradise, you saw Changbin there, but he, too, looks a little worse than usual. He adorns a slap mark on his cheek that is bright and intense. There was a small cut on the cheek within the handprint. You see a little red around his right eye, and you can tell it will form a bruise later on. He's already watching you approach the bench, so you know he saw your limp.

"Can I sit here?" Your voice feels and sounds scratchy and raw.

"Of course." And his voice is small and meek, not like the boisterous one you started hearing in the previous weeks.

You sit down with an audible groan, and there is a silence between you both, just like how it used to be the first few weeks of coming here. There was tension. The all too obvious for both of you was too blatantly clear to avoid this time. You both were in a melancholic state. You swallow thickly and decide to be the one to talk first.

"My boyfriend? Well... I don't even know what to call this relationship I have with him anymore but... he came over today we had sex like we always do. He's rough and he likes my body before he goes into work on Saturdays whether... uhm... whether I really want to or not." You unload all of what you've kept tucked away to Changbin. You immediately felt a sense of guilt. "I'm sorry-"

"My girlfriend needed a ride to her job today." He cut you off, turning a little to face you. The bench creaks at the movement. "But I couldn't. I had to get to a doctors appointment. She... she got really mad that I wouldn't cancel my appointmet."

Thick silence falls over you both. You look into his glossy eyes. This would be the day you both would finally talk about why you both truly came to this park.

It was as if the floodgate you both had finally cracked and broke. You both talk about your lives with your respective partners. You told Changbin about your partner's harsh words and manipulative behavior when you say no to sex. You don't go into detail about what he does to you, but you talk about the pain you feel during and after. You tell him how your boyfriend ignores your cries of pain and your tears when he gets too rough, or sometimes he even laughs at your face.

He, in turn, told you about all that his girlfriend does. He recalls the harsh and cruel names she uses to belittle him. He talks about the frequent slaps. When she was especially angry, like today, she'd turn her ring to face her palm to further hurt him. He mentions her restricting the things he likes to do, like making music or going to the gym, in favor of being with her or giving her rides. Changbin told you how she'd accuse him of cheating yet smell like a different man's cologne when they were together.

Emotions were high between you both, but you could see in each other's eyes this was needed for Changbin and you. The relief shared had weights lifted from you and him. There is a shared silence as you both digest everything.

"Why haven't you told anyone?" You ask softly, breaking the quietness. You make sure to hold no judgment in your voice. "This is me wanting to understand. Everyone has their reasons for not sharing. Don't feel obligated to share with me either."

"She isolated me from my family and my friends. Chan and Hannie try to reach out to me,, but I have ignore them. She...She goes through my phone, and if I am not putting my whole focus on her, she gets angry. I don't even talk to my sister or mom as frequently as I used to." He answers your question and then sighs. He looks so vulnerable right now, and that made your heart clench. "It also doesn't help I am a man and she is a woman...I guess it is a cruel way for her to show me I'm hers and she's mine."

You nod in understanding and then ask a follow-up question. "Are the people that were in your life ones to judge you? From what you've told me about them, they seem like nice people."

"They are." A small smile grows on his face, which you are happy to see. "They are wonderful people, it's just my girlfriend. She has planted in my head a seed of doubt. She always tells me after she slaps me, no one would ever believe me because of how I look and whatnot."

"I understand that completely, Changbin." You give him a sympathetic smile. His situation really did sound similar to yours. Before you can speak further, he asks you the same question.

"What about you? Have you told anyone?"

"No, I haven't for almost the same reasons as you. I know my friends and family wouldn't judge me for what my boyfriend does to me. Yet my warped, irrational thoughts keep telling me I can't because... what? I essentially say yes... I'm consenting, right?" Your voice wavers, sounding unsure. "That's what he tells me after a particularly rough session. I've grown tired of it. I'm tired of feeling used, polluted, and rotten."

"I'm sorry you're going through all that, (Y/N)."

"I'm sorry your girlfriend treats you that way, Changbin. You don't deserve to be belittled, harmed or kept from your friends and family."

"You don't deserve the treatment you get either." He adds. "You shouldn't feel forced or threatened to have sex. You shouldn't feel used by the person your with."

It was silent again. You feel tears burn your eyes, and when you glance at him, you see his eyes are to the brim with tears, too. You've grown adverse to touch now, but you craved something softer than what your partner puts you through. You place your hand on the bench, palm to the sky, and look at him. You invite him in as your choice and let him choose to reciprocate.

Changbin slowly brought his hand close to yours. He carefully intertwined his fingers, taking his time when he felt you tense. He gently squeezes your hand, and slowly, you relax. It was nice, just holding a person's hand like that. Changbin's hand is calloused, yet it is soft and comforting to you.

"Why did you tell me?" He questions you with curiosity in his voice.

"Because I could tell when we first met we are both going through similar things. I figured I could trust you to not tell and you would understand the most. I'm sorry if that comes off assumptious but... I really like talking to you. You've made me look forward to something again."

"I'm glad. And feel the same. Seeing you after fights with my girlfriend has made life feel... lighter." He nods, and while his smile isn't quite like his usual one, it is still lovely to see. "I think I want to talk to my friends again."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I miss them and having a friend like you has been nice." He swallows thickly. "After talking to you about the shit I've gone through... I think I'm going to try to break up with her. Our situations are so similar and if I can't stand you being with your boyfriend, I know I need to break up with her... I want to tell Chan and Han why I cut ties with them and I want to talk to my mom and sister again. I don't want to be like this anymore."

"I believe in you, Changbin." You smile and squeeze his hand.

"I believe in you too." He says back, making you tense a little. "I'm-I'm not telling you to do what I'm doing because I know how hard it is. I'm just saying in case you do because I hate seeing you walk with a limp, in pain, and hurt from someone forcing you into those situations. I hope that my taking the steps I am taking will help you take the same steps as well."

Changbin's little speech left you unable to say anything for a moment. Deep down, you've been thinking of cutting ties with your partner and ending whatever he and you are. You take a deep breath and nod.

"Yeah..." You say slowly. "I have thought of leaving him, I've just been scared. I'm scared of his threats becoming true but I can't keep living like this. I can't keep feeling the way I have been or it's going to kill me one way or another."

"I believe in you." He repeats with conviction in his voice.

"I believe in us."

----

A few weeks passed since that day you and Changbin had that talk. You both helped each other plan how you'll both leave your respective relationships. You and Changbin were feeling really motivated by the build-up of this week, both by each other and because you both got back in contact with friends and family.

You had a bit of pep in your step despite being bundled up due to the cold air. Two days earlier, on Thursday, you called your partner over and cut ties. For the first time in a long time, your Saturday didn't start with dread and disgust.

When you got to the park, you felt your heart drop. A chain link fence covered with tarps surrounds the small, run-down park you've come to find comfort in. You quickly walk around and see Changbin looking at a sign hanging on the fence.

"What's happened?" You ask as you approach, glancing over the sign and then back to Changbin.

"Looks like the city is finally putting some attention on the park and they'll be keeping it closed off for a few months to fix it up completely." He answers and points to the date it is supposed to reopen. "I'm glad they are finally doing something but I already miss it."

"Yeah..." You sigh. You were really looking forward to sitting on that bench with him.

"But hey, let's get out of the cold and grab something warm to drink across the street." He seemed excited, which makes you chuckle.

"Lead the way." You see him reach out to hold on and guide you, but he stops mid-motion and gestures for you to follow him to the café across the road. You appreciated him not touching you when you've become so touch-versed.

You both order something warm and sit at a nearby table with your drinks. Just by feeling the cup, you knew it was too hot to drink, so you let it cool for a moment. When you meet Changbin's eyes, you see a much happier expression.

"I left her yesterday." He speaks in a low tone. He bites his bottom lip as if to contain his smile, his fingers tap against the mug of the tea he ordered. "I got in contact with Chan and my sister about leaving her and had them with me in case she got violent. They really helped me through the ordeal."

"That's great, Changbin." You grin and place your hand on the table. He looks down at it and then to your face. You nod, and he gingerly takes your hand, holding it gently. A feeling that makes your heart flutter. "I'm happy for you."

He gives you a look as if he was asking you how everything went on your end.

"I also cut ties with him." You say, and Changbin seems to smile in relief. "I made sure I had help from my neighbors and my best friend when I called him over on Thursday. The police were called and I've started the process for a restraining order."

"Do you think you're safe?" He looks at you with concern.

"Honestly, it's a little scary, but I think he's just all bark and no bite. I'll be fine." You smile to reassure him, and you squeeze his hand.

"I'm glad then." He grins brightly. He leans back and lifts his mug, gesturing for you to do the same. "To us."

You giggle softly with your own grin. "To us."

You clink your mugs together and take sips from your drinks. You stare at him, and he stares at you with that bright grin. You feel your heart flutter again, and he looks flustered.

You can't deny feelings for Changbin have grown over time. Now that you both were out of your toxic relationships, it seems like they are more prominent the longer you sit with him. And yet, you realize you both just got out of toxic relationships.

"What's on your mind, (Y/N)?" Changbin's voice cuts through your thoughts.

"I'm thinking about us." You reply honestly.

"I'll admit, I am too. But continue, please."

"I was thinking about how much you mean to me now. You're an amazing person who has been through a lot, and I've realized I may have feelings for you." You feel your heart clench at the thought of what else to say right now, but it's necessary. "But..."

"But we both need time to heal from what we've been through."

"Yes- wait." You give him a confused look, which makes him chuckle. You weren't expecting that.

"Just to start, I am feeling the same things you are. And I am glad we both feel the same. But, I know myself, and I know the happiness and excitement I feel now that I'm getting my life back will fade, and I'll be wondering if I did the right thing and coping with what she put me through."

"This makes things easier." You sigh in relief and smile. "I agree. As much as it pains me, but I can already tell I have a lot of work to do for myself... I don't want to jump into a relationship and end up hurting the both of us." He nods in agreement to that. "And I don't want these feelings being tied to all that happened."

You take a long sip from your drink, and so does he. You weren't sure what else to add, but it was a pleasant silence with Changbin. You glance out the window to the fenced-off park. You missed it already.

Changbin squeezes your hand, regaining your attention.

"I have a proposition. Let's spend some time a part. Let's take time to figure ourselves out. On the date the park reopens, let's meet up and see how we are."

You smile at his suggestion, and it warms your heart. "I'd like that."

----

Four months have passed since you ended things with your partner.

After finding the right therapist for you, you begin working on yourself. You needed to move from that apartment. You could hardly step foot or sleep in that bedroom anymore, and you had taken to sleeping on a cheap air mattress in the living room. Thankfully, your lease was almost up, and you managed to find a new place that was affordable. Your friends and therapist have slowly gotten you used to being touched again. You weren't sure how sex would go, but you've gained a neutral perspective on it now. You got back into old hobbies, took up new ones, and made Saturdays a day to be yourself and do what you wanted.

You felt good again about life. You knew you weren't completely okay, but you were much better than how you started. There is probably a part of you that you'll never quite get back, but that's fine. You're healed self can help nurture and support the you that gets terrible anxiety and nightmares, the you that needed softness and love during those months with your ex.

You feel your phone buzz in your pocket, and you smile. Your reminder that today's the day the park reopens is boldly on your screen. You checked the time and saw it was close to when you and Changbin would be at that worn bench. You often thought of him but were glad he didn't consume your thoughts. You had some worries that seeing him would make you remember how awful you felt back then, with those feelings being associated with him unintentionally. You pushed those worries away.

You tugged on a sweater as the cold air was still around. You grab your wallet and keys, lock your door, and walk briskly to the park. You caught glimpses between the tarps on the fences, but this would hopefully be the first time you see it complete.

It doesn't take you long to reach the park and you couldn't contain the grin at the sight. You would have thought it was a different park if it weren't for the layout of the now fully visible paths and the playground. You slowly approached the bench and felt your heart swell at the sight. It looks completely new, yet you could easily tell it was the same old park bench refurbished. You sit down on the bench, no longer does it creak, and look at your surroundings. There were kids on the shiny playground, and there even was a small parking lot that you weren't aware of beforehand. The only thing missing was Changbin.

You waited.

And you waited.

It was nearly an hour when you felt it was time to get up. The air was getting colder, and the sky was darkening with clouds. You couldn't be too upset with him. You figured Changbin was living his life to the fullest like he should. That thought made you happy.

You sit up from the park bench with a slight stretch. It is starting to get much too chilly to just be sitting down. You read just your sweater and turn to start walking home. The loud slam of a car door and an all too familiar voice shout your name.

"Wait! I'm here! I didn't forget!" You turn around and smile when you see Changbin nearly sprinting to get to you. You look at the new car in the parking lot and see two men get out of the car and lean against the vehicle.

Changbin comes to a slow halt in front of you and takes a moment to recover his breath. You see your favorite flowers in a small bundle in his hand, and you can't help but grin with your face growing warm. You look him over and see how different he was from before. His eyes looked much happier now, and from what you can tell, he has bulked up his muscles beneath the jacket.

"I-I'm sorry. I totally was going to be here earlier." He explains. "But I lost track of time making music with my friends."

"You're making music again?" You raise a brow and give him a proud look.

He chuckles and looks at you brightly. "Yeah. Chan, Han, and I are going to be releasing an album soon."

"Well I'll make sure to buy one and have you guys sign it." A cheeky, teasing smile grows on your face.

"Oh, here." Changbin hands you the flowers. "I remember you saying that is your favorite. You... You look lovely by the way."

"Thank you, you do too. I wish I brought something to give you-"

"No need at all, (Y/N). The only thing I needed from you today is to see if you're doing well." He gives you a look, and you can tell he hopes you will respond with an answer.

"I am. I moved to a new place and have been making progress on myself. Have you been well?"

"Oh yeah, I have." He grins, that beautiful grin you fell for all those months ago. "Like I said, I'm making music again with my best friends and have been sticking to my gym routine. I've been doing good."

You open your mouth to speak when you feel a few droplets of rain hit your face. Both you and Changbin curse.

"Shit, I didn't bring a sweater with a hood." You place your hands over your head.

"Here, let me." Changbin took his jacket off and lifted it over his head. He stepped incredibly close to you and held it over the both of you with a sweet smile. His smile drops, though, when he realizes the proximity. "Oh, god. I'm so sorry-"

"Shh. You're fine, Changbin. I can handle this. Plus I trust you."

"You do?"

"Of course."

"Do you... still feel those same feelings like before?" His voice is soft, and his eyes are hopeful. Your eyes scan over his face. Even in this short time reunited, you felt those familiar feelings except for the anxiety. Any negative connotation you feared wasn't there at all.

"Not all. I feel the familiar feeling of butterflies in my stomach, fondness, and love when I see you." You reply with a gentle tone. "To be honest, I worried I may remember the negative feelings I had during the time when I saw you. But I don't. I just see you, a sweet and funny guy I fell for."

"I'm glad." He beams. "Because I am feeling the same way. The second I saw you when I pulled up the park, I could feel butterflies in my stomach. But let's continue this conversation in a dry environment. I'm sure we have lots to discuss."

"What about your friends?"

"Channie can drop us off wherever." He chuckles and tilts his head in a gesture to follow him. You both walk side by side to the vehicle he arrived in, Chan and Han already inside. You get in first in the backseat, and Changbin quickly follows, the car already on and warm inside.

"Hey, it's finally nice to meet you. I'm Bang Chan." He turns from the driver's seat to wave at you. You see, he has dyed blonde hair with a slight wave.

"And I'm Jisung, but you can call me Han." The other greets you from the front passenger. He has a cute, gummy smile and dark hair.

"So, what's the plan now?" Chan asks, looking from you to Changbin.

"Oh, let's all grab dinner!" Han grins. You don't miss the look Chan gives him, which makes you chuckle. You glance at Changbin and see how he is laughing, too.

"I'd be fine with that." You shrug. "I think it would be fun getting to know your friends."

"They are a handful." He warns with a playful tone.

"Hey, more like you and Hannie are the handful for me." Chan says with mock offense. A fake argument broke out between the three of them, making you laugh loudly. You haven't felt yourself laugh like that in a long while.

Ultimately, the four of you sit in a small yet busy restaurant near the park. The three of them were certainly entertaining together, and you were glad to see Changbin having fun and being relaxed. He's not the same man who stayed behind a protective wall, who tensed when someone yelled too loudly. His handsome face doesn't adorn a recurring slap or cut. You couldn't help but smile as you watched him and Chan joke around.

"Excuse me, gotta use the restroom." Han gets up from the table, and so does Changbin.

"Me too." He adds, and you watch as the two of them head deeper into the restaurant, leaving you and Chan.

"Hey, (Y/N)?" His voice is soft when he calls you.

"Yes, Chan?" You look at him and tilt your head, noting the kind expression he had.

"I just wanted to thank you for helping Changbin out."

"Oh, I didn't do anything. He's the one that's put in the work."

"That's true, he worked on himself a lot." He cuts you off with a knowing look. "But according to Changbin, if you hadn't listened to him that day, he wouldn't have called Hannie and me over. He never told us any details, but he did say you were the first person he opened up to about what his ex put him through and you understanding him helped push him to jump over the doubt he felt."

You feel yourself tear up a little, and Chan keeps speaking.

"So please, accept mine and Han's thank you, (Y/N), for helping our friend and helping him get mostly back to his old self." He smiles at you and hands you a clean napkin as a tear falls from your eye.

"Thanks." You chuckle with a sniffle. You dab away the tears and calm yourself before Changbin and Han return.

----

"Wow, you really do have a lot of plants." Changbin chuckles as he steps inside your apartment. He follows your lead and slips off his shoes before further walking around. He looks around at your place with amazement.

"Yeah, they helped make me somewhat like my old place before." You laugh a little. "Do you need something to drink before we talk?"

"Water, please." You nod at his request and gesture for him to sit on your couch. You are quick to get him and yourself water.

After dinner with his friends, you offered to talk to Changbin alone at your place. There was a residual fear of bringing a man to your home, but you reassured yourself. This is Changbin. He respects your boundaries and waits for you to initiate contact. If you told him to never touch you, you could trust that he wouldn't.

You set down a glass for each of you on the coffee table and sit near him on your couch. You curl your legs partially underneath yourself as you angle your body to face him properly.

"So, you wanted to talk more?" You question him.

"Ah, yes." He chuckles, seeming a little nervous. "So, you still have feelings for me."

"I do."

"And how are you feeling all around? If you're comfortable to tell me."

"Well..." You lean over and pick up your glass of water. You take a long sip before sitting down. "I'm much better than I was four months ago. I moved to this place, which helped a lot. I couldn't stomach being in my old bedroom. I've been seeing a therapist who's given me a lot of skills which has helped me not be anxious. They and my friends have also helped me get exposed and used to touch again. I have bad nights and nightmares, but they aren't as frequent as they were at the start. What about you, Changbin?"

"I'm doing good. Making music and working out on the schedule I want to follow definitely kept me going." He nods. "I have a habit of overly apologizing at times, but thankfully my friends and family help keep me aware of it. I experience occasional nightmares but they are manageable. Overall, I am feeling like I how did before that relationship."

"I can tell." You smile softly. "At dinner with your friends, you were relaxed and having a good time. I enjoy seeing you smile, Changbin. You have such a nice smile."

"Oh, thanks." He has a bashful smile, and you can see faint pink dust on his cheeks. He looks down at his hands and glances at your face. "You too, (Y/N). You also have a lovely smile. I saw how you were laughing at a joke Hannie said, and I couldn't help but stare. Chan had to tap me under the table so you wouldn't catch me."

"That's adorable." You laugh softly and stare at him. There is a pause between you both now, Changbin returning your stare. You place your hand on the couch with your palm up, and he tentatively intertwines his fingers. "What... What do you want to do about us?"

"I'd like to be in a relationship with you, (Y/N)." He is blunt, but his expression and tone are still soft.

"I should warn you... I haven't exactly been intimate since everything happened. I am good with light touches and hugs, but I don't know how I will be with anything more, if that changes anything for you."

"It doesn't." He says firmly, giving your hand a squeeze. "We can take things one step at a time, at a pace you'll be comfortable, okay? Does that sound good to you?"

You look over his face and at the sincerity his dark eyes hold. It makes your heart melt at the kindness he is showing you. The kindness you've come to realize you deserve. And he deserves the same kindness back.

"It does, thank you for being understanding, Changbin. It applies to you too, you know? We can take those steps together."

"Thank you too." He smiles. You scoot a little closer, and so does he. "Why don't we make right now a date?"

You grin. "I have ice cream in the freezer. Do you want to watch a movie?"

"With you? I'd love to."

---

You feel your eyes droop as you struggle to stay awake. The movie was nearing its end; empty bowls with remnants of ice cream sat on your coffee table. You felt proud of yourself for being comfortable in Changbin's presence, but you didn't want to fall asleep around him... You didn't want to miss a second with him.

As the credits roll, you smile as you sit up from the couch to stretch your arms above your head. You glance out one of your windows and look at the time; it isn't too late into the evening to be concerned, but you know he wants to be up early tomorrow to go to the gym.

"Do you need a ride home? I can give you one."

"Chan already agreed to come get me, honey." He smiles, then it drops. "Oh, sorry, we didn't discuss calling each other pet names. It-It just came natural to me."

"Hey, don't worry, okay?" You say softly to soothe him with a kind smile. "I like it. It's cute. Just don't call me doll okay? That's what he'd call me. Are there pet names you don't want me to call you?"

"Don't call me baby is all I ask." He wears a grateful expression.

"Of course. I think I'll call you honey too." You chuckle. "Because you are just as sweet."

"Oh, stop." He says with a flustered expression accompanied by a smile. His phone dings, and he clears his throat. "Ah, looks like Channie is here." There is a hint of disappointment in his voice.

You walk to the door with him and watch him put on his shoes. You open the door, and he steps out into the cool night air before turning around with a smile on his face.

"You know, I just realized... we never swapped numbers. I was scared of my ex seeing your number in my contacts." He pulls out his cell phone, tapping the screen a few times before handing it to you. You smile and gently take his phone. You put your contact information in and give him back his phone. "Let's plan for a date soon, okay?"

"Let's do that then, honey." You smile when you see his face blush again. It made you feel warm and adventurous. "Changbin?"

"Yes?"

"Can... Can you kiss me goodbye?"

You see his eyes widen a little. He opens his mouth as if to say something but holds his tongue. Instead, he smiles softly at you and nods.

"Of course."

"Wait, what were you going to say? Please, feel honest with me."

"I was going to ask if you were sure, but I trust that you know you want to take this step." His words make your heart flutter.

"I appreciate that."

He takes a step closer to you and gives you a look as if he is asking permission to touch you. You give him a nod and suck in a slow breath when you feel his warm and calloused hand caress your cheek. He leans in closer, and you watch as he presses his lips to yours. Your eyes flutter close, breath hitching at the sensation. Your body's instincts tense, half expecting pain to follow.

But the kiss was just that. A simple yet sweet kiss that didn't make you cry.

Another ding is heard from Changbin's phone, making you both chuckle and step away from each other.

"I'll text you when I'm home. We can discuss date plans. Talk to you soon."

"Get home safely, honey." You giggle at his flushed face and smile.

"I will, honey." He laughs and gives you a longing look before he heads over to where Chan's car is. You watch until he is in the car, and they take off before closing the door.

You feel different with Changbin. You don't feel weighed down by guilt and self-loathing. You don't feel disgusted with yourself, nor do you blame yourself for anything.

You don't feel the heavy, polluted feeling you did before.

You feel that softness and love you deserve.