ꪆ୧ Bangchan [ Stray Kids ] Lockscreens

ꪆ୧ Bangchan [ Stray Kids ] lockscreens

Push and pull.

Warning: Angst

Pairing: skz x 9th member

Summary: The constant pressure of being a girl in a group of boys is crazy but crazier when your looked at like a fragile baby.

!not proofread so forgive me for mistakes!

“Oppa just tell me what’s wrong pleaseee?” She begged, “I also care about you and you need to calm down. This is scaring me,”

"No I want to only talk to the boys, please Y/n?" He said and It stung.

Han had been having a mental breakdown and had been crying for an hour straight. They had just arrived from practice when he decided to brush everyone off and leave to go to his room where Y/n had been begging him to come out of.

"Okay," She softly said and left the room. Was she not going enough for him? Did he not like her? The thoughts run through her head as she laid in bed trying not to cry. The pain of feeling neglected was slowly eating her alive.

She had been begging him to tell her what had happened but he refused. He didn't want to tell her what was going on but once the boys walked in back from their schedules, he wanted to speak to them straight away. Leaving Y/n sad and confused.

She decided to to finish some work as she waited for the boys to finish talking to Han but even then her heart wasn't settled. She wasn't able to concentrate. The guilt was eating her up. It made her feel sick. So she decided to go make herself some tea and that's when she run into Felix in the kitchen making some brownies.

"Hey Felix," she softly smile and greeted him.

"Hey Y/nnie!" He beamed and waved at her then continued to mix the mixture in the bowl. "where you able to get more tape for your knee?"

"yeah i was, Eunwo (their manager) was able to get me some on our way back," she explained while she got a glass of water. "What are you doing?"

"Making brownies for Hannie, he isn't feeling the best," Y/n turned to look at his older brother.

"Can I please know why?" She took the chance to get it out of Felix because she knew Felix wasn't their strongest soldier when it came to keeping secrets from one another.

"No I'm sorry, Han said not to tell you," he looked back at the butter quickly trying to avoid the eye contact.

"But Lix-"

"No I'm not telling you, it's not my secret to tell," he cut her off and continued his work. He felt really bad for leaving her out but he knew himself he couldn't spill anything just yet.

"Okay, fine be a meanie," She softly sighed and got her cup of now iced coffee.

"No don't be like that, Han will tell you when his ready," he pouts walking over to her to her. hoping that someway he could fix the situation.

Everyone knew that Y/n felt left out most of the times because she was the only girl and sometimes the boys had things they couldn’t tell her or share with her but other than that they told her everything and they tried to make her feel apart of the group.

Since felix was the most sensitive and softest out of everyone he felt the need to protect her because felix did feel left out at a point when he couldn’t speak korean fluently and Y/ was the one who would stay up with him trying to help him study. In this case, Y/n was not feeling this 'brotherly' love.

She shrugged his hands off and took a step back trying to get out of his reach. "I'm his bestfriend too, I'm part of this team too but I keep being treated like I'm an outsider," She let out a sigh and wiped the rolling tear. Trying to make sure Felix didn't see her cry.

"No don't cry please," he begged but she simply walked past him but ofcourse felix tried to follow but she stopped him and continued into her room where she locked the door and stayed there for the rest of the evening.

When it was time for dinner she went outside to grab the stuff she had ordered since leeknow wasn't cooking tonight and she sat on the empty dining table. Everyone was still sat in Han's room and there were a few empty cups on the table meaning they had all eaten already.

Felix had left her a plate of brownies for desert and a cup of milk so atleast she knew they still acknowledge her. As she sat there she got bored and saw it was 8pm.

So since she had nothing planed for the evening she decided to get up, put everything away and grab her training stuff to head to the jyp building. It was a short walk anyway and korea was a safe place to be wondeirng at night. The builidng looked quite empty but a few people were locking up and packingup to head home.

She scanned the hallways for an empty room and she finally did find one but was soon interrupted but Jae Beom and his crew. His smile was bright and he was so excited to see her.

"Y/nnie!"

"Oppa!" she squealed. Her sad aura was now replaced with happiness at the sight of her favorite older brothers. She quickly run over and age each of them hugs while saying hello.

"What are you doing here so late? Where are your brothers?" He asked dropping his practice bag and walking back over to her. He pulled her in a hug once again. Although they worked in the same company they barely saw each other due to schedules and stuff.

"Han wasn't feeling well so they are taking care of him and I decided to come practice," She explained. The boys were now all paying close attention to her.

"Ahhh I see! Can we join you?" Mark asks. His hands were in his pockets and they all didnt have makeup on so it meant that they were also here just for free practice.

"Yes sure, I need company anyway," She smiled and headed over to the laptop that was by the speakers. "What should we start with?"

"Can you teach us S-class? Its so hard and we've been trying to learn it," Jackson pouts and raffles her hair,

"Yeah the hand movement is impossible!" Jinyoung chirps in.

She giggled at this because they all reminded her so much of her little brothers back at home when S-class had just come out. "Sure, I can its not that hard," the groans in response made her laugh fill the room so she just played the song and they all run through it as she taught them step by step and by the time they were done, it was 1 in the morning. ONE IN THE MORNING? fuck.

She quickly took out her phone from her bag and looked at it to see thousands of missed calls and (as if in cue) that's when Hyunjin and I.N slammed the door open. they were both panicked and Hyunjins phone was ringing alot while I.N was frantic talking to someone of his phone.

"There you are!" Hyunjin exclaimed panting and huffing. "We've been calling, texting and even fucking tracking your phone, why wouldn’t you tell us your here? This is extremely dangerous Y/n! Oh my God!"

"Y/nnie! do you know how worried we were?! Chan hyung and Leeknow hyung are on some road screaming your name looking for you everywhere," I.N yells at her causing her to jump at the sudden loud voices.

"My phone was off, I was just practicing here-" she tried to explain but was interrupted immediately.

"Okay, it doesn’t matter now, let's go home, we were worried sick, hang on...grab your stuff," he got out his phone and started talking to someone that sounded like Chan. With the way Hyunjin was cringing she knew she was dead meat.

She quickly grabbed my Bags, her laptop and quickly said bye to everyone who were also as terrified as she was but they totally understood and told her to just be safe and to text them. She quickly made her way behind Hyunjin and I.N who were towering over her. Once hyunjin hang up the phone finally, he slowed down so he was walking by her side.

"Never do that again please,"

"But I was just with my friends,"

"You know we don't trust you in a room full men," he softly says ruffling his hands through her hair.

"Yeah I know, I know. I'm in shit, i've accepted it," she groaned but remembered the only reason she was in this mess, "Is Hannie okay now?"

"Yeah he is and he wants to talk to you," She look up at him confused. Her heart jumping.

"What about?" she asked on a confused tone. Hyunjin glances over at I.N who gulps. They both look at eachother as if communicating.

"Felix said that you were upset-"

"I wasn't upset really," She quickly explained.

"Oh well now you can explain that to him anyway but right now those are your least of your worries cause Chan is going to kill you in cold blood," I.N takes of his jacket and hands it to her. she was freezing and she was wearing a tank top but luckily I.N had a hoodie and jacket on.

Ugh. She sighed softly when they arrived to the house. She stopped causing the boys to look at her confused. Her worries and sadness came washing over her. With the way she had fun at the studio with her other brothers she had totally forgotten the depression she was facing at home.

She took a deep breath (quite dramatically) earning a chuckle from both boys and she walked up the stairs into the house where Chan and Leeknow were Ofcourse sitting on the dining table with a coffee mug both. She couldn't even sneak past them which was her only hope in avoiding them. She quickly turned around but was met with Hyunjins chest. sigh.

"Stop, turn around and sit," Chan voice was loud meaning he was serious. she quickly followed his instructions and sat on the chair across both of them.

"What time is it?" He squints his eyes and looks at her.

"1:30 Oppa," she sighed and looked down at her fingers.

"Why would you leave the house without letting us know? What if something had happened and we didn't know-"

"Your always scolding me and not treating me like an adult," she snapped at him. This made Hyunjin stop in his tracks and turned back and I.N paused whatever he was doing to over at them. Never ever did she snap at the boys especially chan because she loved them and they were older than her so she was so respectful. This was a shock and the gasp that left leeknows lips was evidence.

"That's not true I always treat you like an adult," Chan defended himself.

"You don't Oppa! You don't get it, just because I'm 19 doesn't mean I'm a kid, I'm only one year younger than I.N and he gets treated like an adult, everything I do you guys have to be there watching and whenever you guys have conversations I'm pushed to the side. Yes I get I'm a girl and I'm young but it doesn't mean I'm not part of the team, I'm allowed to walk out the house right now if I wanted to, if I wanted a babysitter I would have hired you a long time,"

"Y/n dont raise your voice at hyung like that. Its not right," Leeknows eyes were red. he was pissed off and it was clear.

"Dont talk to me like that Y/n. If you have a problem you tell me, you dont yell. Look at me when im talking to you," She looked up at him. He looked tired, frustrated and mad. He had to first deal with Han...now this?

"fine sorry," she was done. she was done with this conversation, she was done with the boys, she was done with everything. She stood up and stormed out the room. Chan following right behind her

"We're not done here young lady, You think i want this? you think i want to constantly be checking on you? you think i want to be. You keep acting childish thats why i have to keep tabs on you!" with every second he was getting louder and louder.

"Chan dont, lets go calm down-" leeknow grabs his arm trying to keep him away.

"Y/n go to your room," Changbin interferes trying to break the two up.

"See!" she exclaimed and walked into her room shutting it and locking it.

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jihyun2monster

1 year ago

Pairing : Bully!Yandere!Hwang Hyunjin X F!Reader TW : Yandere ; Very Dark Themes ; Emotional Abuse ;

Pairing : bully!Yandere!Hwang Hyunjin x F!Reader TW : yandere ; very dark themes ; emotional abuse ; manipulation ; physical fighting ; verbal fighting ; HEAVILY TRIGGERING ; domestic abuse ; physical abuse ; Word Count : 3.6k

Your relationship with Hyunjin was tumultuous, there was no other way to describe it, and there was no way to explain why it’s the way it is either. There was nothing particularly wrong, but there was absolutely nothing right about it either. The two of you being together was the perfect storm, a natural disaster that left nothing but pain and destruction in its wake.

Standing in the bathroom you stared at yourself in the mirror, bruises littered your shoulders and your arms where Hyunjins fingers had grabbed you just a little too tight. Scratches and deep cuts lined your skin from when he’d get so mad objects would be thrown around the house, glass shattering on the floor and ricocheting back up against your legs. Handprint shaped blotches of red would sting at your cheeks, serving as a stark reminder to what you went through just to be with him.

Why were you still with him? It was a solid question, but one that you never actually thought to ask yourself, or at least, you didn’t want to think too hard about the answer. Right now though, you were with him because he loved you. Of course he loved you, there was no one else in the world that would ever love you as much as he did, there was no one else in the universe that would follow you around wherever you went and be willing to fight with you over such mundane things like bumping into a man by accident in the grocery store. He only fought with you because he absolutely cherished you, because he was trying to do anything to keep you with him.

How could he possibly love you when he was laying his hands on you so often, with such frequency that it almost seemed like he was enjoying it at this point? There were men out there that would be willing to love you in ways much better than he did, in ways that you didn’t even know existed. Your body would be worshiped, your every word would be listened to, your every move and every breath, everything about you… You would be doted upon like a queen in her castle. But to receive that kind of love after this… When the love that Hyunjin gave you was the only kind of love that you knew… It would be like emotional whiplash, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.

At some point you had grown accustomed to the love that Hyunjin would thrust upon you, and sometimes you’d await it, knowing that when he was finished with his assault you’d be loved in a way that had tears stinging in your eyes and your jaw slacked as he would take you to highs that were unreachable by any kind of drug. Hyunjin was an amazing lover, he just loved differently… There wasn’t anything wrong with that.

“You had to sneak out again, didn’t you?” Your friend asked when she noticed your eyes drifting to the window more than once, a look of fear flashing across your face when you saw anyone that even remotely looked like Hyunjin. “Why won’t you just leave him? You look like you got your ass beat, Y/N… It’s not good…” The sleeves that you had rolled up due to the summer heat were now slid back down your arms to cover the fresh bruises that darkened your skin in various places.

“I’m… I’m fine… I just bumped into the wall, that’s all.” Another excuse to defend him, it’s what you always did. Your friends knew better though, they could see the shape of every splotch that littered your body, they perfectly matched the shape of a hand and fingers that gripped onto you too tightly. “Really… I’m fine.” You tried to reassure her, but she looked so disappointed in you that you could only bow your head, unable to even look her in the eye anymore. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore…” You mumbled, and you knew that she wouldn’t push it. There was no point, not when you had made it quite clear from the getgo that you weren’t going to leave him.

A lot of people would call it stockholm syndrome, the way you excused everything he did, the way you genuinely loved him no matter how much pain he caused you. You had so many opportunities to get away from him, to tell someone about what he did, but you never said anything, and you always went right back to him. You personally didn’t think of it that way… you weren’t making excuses for him, you were fine, you didn’t want to leave him. Your relationship with him was just… different, and people didn’t seem to understand that.

“Baby…” His voice cooed from behind you, and you couldn’t help but jump, whipping around to face him with wide eyes and a sheepish smile, your body already trembling when you saw the look in his eyes. The bell above the door hadn’t rang out, or maybe you just hadn’t heard it… But your friend didn’t react to his sudden appearance either, not until he was right there behind you, his hands firmly gripping onto your shoulders as you sat in your seat. “You didn’t tell me that you were going out today…” He sang out the words, sounding as sweet as possible, and to everyone else in the little cafe, he probably was a sweet guy. They didn’t feel the pain of his fingers pressing deeper and deeper into the dip of your shoulders, his nails breaking the skin beneath your shirt.

“I invited her out, I came and I picked her up.” Your friend spoke up quickly, her eyes narrowed at your boyfriend. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think she was about to jump across the table and attack him, and maybe she wanted to, well, not even maybe, you knew she wanted to… But she wouldn’t, not here. “I just wanted to talk to her about work and stuff and how hard it’s been for me, she’s my best friend.” Oh, ever your protector, your friend thinking she was taking the fall for you being out today, but her excuses wouldn’t make him waiver. He already knew what he was going to do, and he was dead set on doing it.

“Hmm…” Hyunjin hummed from behind you, his chin falling against the top of your head as his thumbs began to knead roughly into your back, right against your shoulder blade. “Well, it looks like the coffee is all gone now… I’ll be taking her home with me.” His hands slipped down your shoulders until he got to your elbow, quickly yanking you up off the chair and pulling you toward the exit.

“Y/N!” Your friend called to you, and while you knew it would only get you into more trouble, you couldn’t help it, stopping in the middle of the cafe and turning to look at her as Hyunjin continued to try to yank against your arm. “Call me… Okay? Please…” She said, just loud enough for you to hear her, but you knew it was loud enough for Hyunjin to hear too, and he gave one last yank, pulling you with such force that you crashed against his side.

“Defiance isn’t a good quality to have, baby.” Hyunjin said to you as if you were a baby, but it wasn’t for you that he spoke like that, it was to protect his image in a way. Speaking so softly would somehow make everyone who walks by overlook you, make them completely ignore the way his hand was wrapped so tightly around your arm that his thumb was almost touching his other fingers.

You were being dragged toward his car, well, not actually dragged, you were willingly walking next to him, but anyone that knew the way he was, they’d naturally assume you were being taken against your will. “I wasn’t being defiant, I was going out for coffee with a friend.” You stated the truth simply, but the fact that you talked back in general seemed to irritate him.

He quickly opened the passenger door, practically shoving you into the vehicle before slamming the door behind you. You were in for it when you got home, that much you were aware of. The way he stormed around to the drivers side and climbed in, the entire car seemed to be permeated by the anger he was exuding. “Always making me seem like the bad guy…” He mumbled as he shoved his key into the ignition. “I saw the way she looked at you… At me… She’s worried about you…” He continued to talk to himself as he pulled out of the parking spot, the rambling only further proving that your pessimistic train of thought was heading in the right direction. “She wouldn’t have to worry if you didn’t tell her so much. You shouldn’t be hanging out with her anyway, especially when I’m not around. You disobeyed me, you broke my rules… and I’m the villain.” He scoffed loudly, glancing over to you with the most sinister look in his eyes. “Ain’t that funny? You’re the one who makes me this way… but I’m the one who gets shit for it.”

Your body was already tense, like a wrestler about to go into the ring, but you didn't have someone off to the side to give you a pep talk, you didn’t have anyone in your corner. It was you and Hyunjin, Hyunjin and you, no one else to stop what was coming. “Nobody would know what’s going on if you didn’t leave so many marks…” You mumbled, pulling your sleeves down even more to cover your hands as you curled up in the seat.

Speaking back was always testy for you, he either loved it or hated it, it just depended on his mood. You probably should have known better considering you had snuck out of the house today and he was already pissed off, but you hated it when he tried to make himself the victim of what he did to you. “What was that?” He whispered, his knuckles a ghostly pale around the steering wheel. You didn’t say anything though, continuing to stare out the window, but you knew that when the car slowly came to a halt that he had his opening, even if only for the short amount of time that the light was red.

The whipping of his head in your direction was enough to have a small gust of wind coming towards you. Defiance, disobeying him, talking back to him, these were all things that would land you in the washroom holding cold rags and ice packs over the bruises that he created while bandaging up the cuts and scrapes due to his ill controlled temper. Would he wait to get into the house to begin or would he start in the car, you weren’t sure.

“Everything that I do for you, everything that I buy for you…” His head shook slowly, his breaths ragged although you weren’t sure whether it was because he was about to cry or because he was so pissed off. “It’s never enough for you, nothing is ever enough for you… But I love you enough to keep trying…”

You rolled your eyes, the reflection of it perfectly mirrored back to him through the window. “Oh please, Hyunjin. We’re in the car, there’s no need for your narcissistic self pity act.” You muttered, already aware that you were in for it when you got home, so why not go big while you were still going strong? Before you could even turn your head to look at him, a firm grip was held in your hair, yanking your head back to forcefully turn you in his direction.

“You’re pushing it.” He hissed, those three words alone holding a heavy threat, and while you never knew what he was fully capable of, you’d like to think that deep down in him somewhere there was some sort of love for you that would keep him from actually killing you, although he’s dropped the threat a few times before during bigger arguments. He forcefully pushed your head back against the window, not enough to actually hurt you, but the banging of your head against it had left you with a throbbing ache in the area. “Your friend is more trouble than she’s worth. Making you think you can talk back to me like this… Act like this. I don’t know who you think you are, but it’s gonna end real quick.”

It felt like it took forever to get to the house, or maybe he had just somehow caught every single red light on the way home, but you were sort of thankful for the little bit of time that you had to prepare yourself before he pulled into the driveway. You knew that once you walked through that front door, you would be in a world of hell.

Before he even put the car into park, you were undoing your seatbelt and rushing into the house, believing that maybe, just maybe if you got into the bedroom and locked the door behind you he wouldn’t come after you. It was wishful thinking, foolish thinking as well, but it didn’t stop you from doing it. It also gave you a little bit more time to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for what was to come. Hyunjn was beyond pissed off now, and there was no turning back. You just needed to buy yourself a little more time before you faced it head on.

The sound of the front door being slammed shut had you falling back onto the bed, curling up into yourself as heavy booted footsteps carried him closer to the bedroom. He hadn’t even taken his shoes off at the door, neither did you, but it was strange for him not to. Your heart was hammering in your ears, the heavy beating of it almost enough to completely block out the sound of his fist pounding against the bedroom door.

“Open the damn door, Y/N!” He shouted, his voice sounding more like the villain in a horror movie than that of your boyfriend that, for some reason, you still loved and adored. “You’re making this harder on yourself… Why are you so. fucking. stupid!” His words were accented with a pounding of his fist, punctuated by the loud banging of the door, the wood sounding like it was cracking now under his fists.

“Just… Just go away, Hyunjin!” You called out, although your voice sounded far weaker in comparison to his. “I don’t want to fight with you… I just want to be alone right now.” He never listened, you weren’t sure why you thought that today of all days he’d listen to you now… But the silence that followed filled you with a bit of hope, that maybe he was as sick of the fighting as you were. Again, wishful thinking on your part, and a bit of forgetfulness. The sound of a key being turned in the doorknob, and you were far too slow in processing what exactly was going on, unable to get up and lock the door before it was being pushed open.

“Why don’t you listen?” He asked, standing in the doorframe, the key still in the slot as he stared at you on the bed. “You do this shit on purpose so you can run to anyone who will listen and cry about what you cause.” He was narrating as he walked closer to you, and there was only so much bed for you to crawl back on to separate yourself from him. “You won’t even look at me when I’m talking to you…” He climbed on the bed in front of you, practically trapping you against the headboard. “Why are you so disrespectful?” Your refusal to answer only fueled his anger, nothing you did or said was good enough for him, it never would be, not when he was like this.

A quick stinging slap had tears pricking your eyes, but your attention was fully on him again as his hands moved down to grip your wrists, the circulation being cut off had your fingertips going numb. “Why… Why don’t you love me?” You whimpered, sniffling softly as you stared up at him. “Why do you keep hurting me…?” The question had his head tilting, like a confused puppy that didn’t understand the words of its owner, but you knew that you didn’t own him… He owned you, that much was made obvious on a daily basis.

Strangely enough though, his hands loosened their grip on you, the feeling of blood rushing back to your fingers sent a painful cold through the extremities. “Love you…? You think… I don’t… Love you?” He questioned, backing up off the bed, and you truly thought that your words had stopped him before things had gotten any worse. Maybe he’d leave you alone in the bedroom as he thought about what he was doing, about what he had done… Maybe he’d finally stop.

“I just… I want to be with you… I want to stay with you… I love you so much, Hyunjin…” You whispered, your eyes following him as he walked around the room. Was he thinking about your words? Was he thinking at all? You wished that you knew what was going through his mind. Just as you were about to get up off the bed, wanting to go over to him, wrap your arms around him from behind and just hold him, soften him up, a picture of the two of you off the dresser was thrown across the room. The glass from the frame shattered and ricocheted off the wall, sprinkling the bed in tiny shards that reflected the sun shining in through the window.

“Then why do you do this to me?!” He screamed, his hands twitching towards another photo. “Why do you go against me? Why do you go behind my back? Why do you sneak out of this house that I got for you, for us?!” His hand, with lightning speed, grabbed the photo and beamed it towards you. You were already curled up into yourself, your arms wrapped tightly around your knees and your head ducked down to try to protect yourself as much as possible, but the edge of the frame stabbed into your legs, the force behind the throw causing it to almost imbed itself into your skin as the glass cracked on impact.

You yelped in pain, sobbing against your knees. “I’m… Not… D-Doing anything!” You tried to shout, but you were so broken, like a porcelain doll left in an abandoned home, slowly rotting away, time itself destroying you… Except it wasn’t time that was breaking you down, it was Hyunjin and the time that you were with him. You were fragile, far too fragile to stay with someone like him, but you loved him, and in moments like this, you couldn’t understand why. “I… I love you… Hyunjin…”

“Then fucking act like you do!” He walked back over to the bed, grabbing your arms that were still cocooning your legs against yourself, dragging you across the glass shard covered mattress until you were on the floor. “I love you, I respect you! All I ask is for the same thing in return!” It was crazy, the way he thought that this was love and respect… That hurting you was a form of showing love. You would never return the favor though, because you would never think of hurting him, you could never bring yourself to fight back. You truly loved him, far too much to even try to protect yourself.

“Hyunjin…” You whispered his name, finally lifting your head from your arms and looking up at him and then glancing down at your arm, noticing the blood that was slowly making its way down to your hands. Your legs stung with the fragments of glass that had stabbed their way through your pants and into your legs when he had dragged you across the bed. “Can I… Get a bandaid… Or something… I’m bleeding kind of bad right now…” You said softly, and that’s when his eyes softened, it was the only time he seemed to lighten up, when he saw the physical damage that he caused first hand.

“Baby…” He cooed, his touch light now as he lifted you up off the floor, quickly rolling up your sleeve and letting out an audible gasp when he saw the deep gash that the corner of the picture frame had left on your arm. “Look what you made me do… Are you happy?” He tsked his tongue, tears clinging to his eyelashes that he quickly blinked away as he sniffled softly. “I hate hurting you, baby… I really do… I just want you to stay with me forever… I don’t want you to hurt me…”

You nodded your head slowly before letting yourself crash against him, your arms wrapping tightly around his waist as you finally let yourself cry. “I’m sorry… I won’t do it again… I love you, Hyunnie…” You whimpered against his shirt, feeling his lips press against the top of your head. He was so soft, so sweet… You could never leave him. He wasn’t awful, he wasn’t mean… He was just scared, scared that you’d leave him, that you’d hurt him… You would never though. You loved him too much, you were his entirely, you could only hope that one day he’d truly realize that.

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