Justmecrashingout - A Million Miles

Shibuya - Tokyo, Japan

I was in love with the thought that we were in love with each other

What might be good for your heart

Might not be good for my head

And what was there at the start

Might not be there in the end

Do you wanna hurt me?

Do you wanna hurt me?

'Cause nobody hurts me better

I didn’t know what I was saying.

I didn’t know what we were doing.

We could have been everything. I shouldn’t have pushed you away when it got hard. You shouldn’t have gone to her. You treated me like a friend when we were so much more.

– Rupi Kaur

Even though you didn't make it to the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on our chapter.

Because it was my favorite.

I’m seeing my doctor for an antidepressant tomorrow morning.

I’ve had depression since I was 10. Any period of time where I felt happy or safe was always temporary. With some therapy I made it past some of the hardest years of my life, and when I realized I was going to keep living, I decided I didn’t need treatment. I never asked for meds, and I didn’t look for therapy after I aged out of the program I was in.

I didn’t have friends or family that supported me, or even offered to talk. I understand now that none of them would have known what to say.

I wasn’t living. I thought that surviving was the point, and for a while it was. I survived some things that I don’t wish on anyone, but now I want to live.

I want to get up in the morning. I want to spend time going to coffee shops and farmers markets and travelling. I want to romanticize my life, not just drag myself through it.

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know if I’ll have to try ten different meds before something works but I want to try.

I spent 30 years scraping by, hoping tomorrow comes and goes quickly.

I want to live again. 

sometimes i get the urge to just wanna call them and start crying about everything thats happening in my life