Justmecrashingout - Blog Posts

I did it! I start my antidepressant today but I’m so nervous/not excited for side effects lol

I am cautiously optimistic that things will go well and I will feel better.

So far the thought of taking them is all hypothetical. Like I can’t imagine how it would feel to feel anything but what I always have.

Wish me luck!

I didn’t know what I was saying.

I didn’t know what we were doing.

We could have been everything. I shouldn’t have pushed you away when it got hard. You shouldn’t have gone to her. You treated me like a friend when we were so much more.

I’m seeing my doctor for an antidepressant tomorrow morning.

I’ve had depression since I was 10. Any period of time where I felt happy or safe was always temporary. With some therapy I made it past some of the hardest years of my life, and when I realized I was going to keep living, I decided I didn’t need treatment. I never asked for meds, and I didn’t look for therapy after I aged out of the program I was in.

I didn’t have friends or family that supported me, or even offered to talk. I understand now that none of them would have known what to say.

I wasn’t living. I thought that surviving was the point, and for a while it was. I survived some things that I don’t wish on anyone, but now I want to live.

I want to get up in the morning. I want to spend time going to coffee shops and farmers markets and travelling. I want to romanticize my life, not just drag myself through it.

I don’t know how tomorrow will go. I don’t know if I’ll have to try ten different meds before something works but I want to try.

I spent 30 years scraping by, hoping tomorrow comes and goes quickly.

I want to live again. 

It invades. With each slow breath I slip under. Into the deep silence of us. I fall through to the other side, where we still live. You are in every corner of my mind. I am who I am because of us.

Six months ago, I messaged you.

Maybe you never saw it, or maybe you just couldn’t reply. You couldn’t fall back in like I couldn’t when you reached out all those years ago.

Maybe we’ll chase each other around the world, through timezones and years, catching up when we can, for the rest of our lives.

Or maybe we can never fall back in.

We had an end date. We chose to fall in love anyway.

In school, I struggled with writing-heavy projects. Everyone else seemed to have no issue writing essays, while it felt impossible for me. I would spend hours just looking at a blank page, thinking through how to start.

When I told my 8th grade teacher that I would be handing in another essay late, he offered to grade my first draft so I could spend more time catching up on other projects.

He understood why I struggled when I told him I didn’t write drafts. I only ever submitted the best version I could manage in one sitting, but only after thinking about the entire essay altogether over multiple weeks.

I’m really trying to learn and understand, while also letting go of that. I want to paint and write and create without over analyzing each step, burning out before I start.

Things I want to do today: Read new books, stay in bed all day, eat good food

Things I have to do today: Go to the doctor, clean my apartment for an inspection, my overdue taxes

:(

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to heal or forget or move on.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time today. I don’t really watch movies, so I avoided it for a long time, but I knew I would love it.

It’s devastating.

When I think about you, I wish I could forget. We had one intense year. Every minute we spent together, it was just one year. One year of secrets, of competing, of falling asleep on the phone. Just one year of games and arguments and half given truths. If it was gone, I would be okay.

I spent 5 years pretending you didn’t happen. Waving away any brief thought. A quick smile to a memory before pushing it down, until they were all pushed down and nothing left. I didn’t bring you up in conversations anymore. I didn’t check the weather where you were. I deleted our pictures, made new accounts to avoid our old conversations. I turned the radio off when that song came on. I unlearned habits.

When did I stop subtracting three hours every time I looked at a clock?

I would give everything to go back and love you all over again.

Last year, I heard songs that reminded me of you, but I played them on repeat instead of skipping them. I went back to the games we played together. I started to see you in everything. You come up in conversations. You’re always on my mind.

I wrote this six years ago and it’s all still true

Do you space out when I think of you? Do your friends go quiet? Does the rain fall slower and your skin goes cold?

Could you remember falling asleep on the phone? Do you open your messages but there’s nothing there? For a split second, do you think of me?

Do you close your eyes and smile?

Do I feel it too?

What if every time I open our old messages, you opened them too? Could we relive the same moments together once again?

i see you in every light

when I only wish for darkness