My Heart Aches For The Happiness I Could've Had.

NGC 6357, Celestial Cathedral

I have truly loved twice

I don’t believe in third time is the charm

Because each time it nearly broke me

As if it was the first and the last

A decade between the two

There is no room for another

I feel that the third will do what it’s meant to

Break me down until there’s nothing left

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to heal or forget or move on.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time today. I don’t really watch movies, so I avoided it for a long time, but I knew I would love it.

It’s devastating.

When I think about you, I wish I could forget. We had one intense year. Every minute we spent together, it was just one year. One year of secrets, of competing, of falling asleep on the phone. Just one year of games and arguments and half given truths. If it was gone, I would be okay.

I spent 5 years pretending you didn’t happen. Waving away any brief thought. A quick smile to a memory before pushing it down, until they were all pushed down and nothing left. I didn’t bring you up in conversations anymore. I didn’t check the weather where you were. I deleted our pictures, made new accounts to avoid our old conversations. I turned the radio off when that song came on. I unlearned habits.

When did I stop subtracting three hours every time I looked at a clock?

I would give everything to go back and love you all over again.

Last year, I heard songs that reminded me of you, but I played them on repeat instead of skipping them. I went back to the games we played together. I started to see you in everything. You come up in conversations. You’re always on my mind.

Even though you didn't make it to the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on our chapter.

Because it was my favorite.

Wildflower therapy session - Author: LysandraBeaumont