Bruce Has To Spend A Day Working An Important Mission With The League At The Watchtower But The Kids

I love the headcanon that Jason writes fanfiction and the funniest part of it to me is how his author notes would take the ao3 curse to a whole new level

A/N: here you go guys. Sorry it’s a couple days late, I spent the entirety of yesterday forcing soup and fever-reducers down my brothers throat while he actively told me he wasn’t sick

comments: omg is your brother okay?? Jason, responding: yeah he’s fine now. I took my eyes off him for a second, he downed a coffee and it fucking healed him?? Idefk. comments: wtf

Jason: yo sorry this was a little rushed, my sister’s ballet recital was crashed by the joker and I spent the night helping with the relief efforts comments: damn your siblings are living crazy lives Jason: you don’t know the half of it

Jason: this chapter was a week late, yeah. Sorry about that. I died again.

DCXDP crossover where Danny ends up adopted by the bats for one reason or another, and they all know about his ghost powers/vigilantism but not the extent of it.

So one day they're all out patrolling Gotham, and one of Danny's rogues comes out, specifically one that's screaming about wearing his pelt on his wall. The bats go into protect mode obvs and scoop up Danny to try and shield him from this evil green glowy guy, only for Danny to flail around like a feral cat.

He's in Batman's arms like; "put me down, PUt mE dOwn, PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME DOWN!!"

and he bolts out of his arms to go and fight this guy and they are both absolutely feral! Biting and scratching and wailing, and just a whole bunch of freaky paranormal shit. To the bats this is the most desperate and destructive looking fight they've ever seen and they have no clue how to help. To Danny? The complete opposite.

In Danny's POV the whole interaction was completely friendly!

Skulker: Come out here, Phantom ! Come fight me so I can use your organs to build my throne !

Danny's vision: hey ghost boy 🥺🩷 let's go play outside 🥺🥺 plleeaaaseeee my mom said I can be out till the streetlights go off 🥺🥺

Danny: B you need to put me down !! Now !! I gotta go please ! Please !! You don't- you have to-- stop!! You don't understand, put me down!!"

Danny's vision: dad I wanna play too 🥺🥺 I'll be good I promise 🥺

The bats are obviously freaking out. They can't touch this guy and Danny is fighting for his afterlife ! Why can't they do anything ! Why are they so useless ??

After the fight Danny soups Skulker and descends back down to the bats. To them he looks beat. He looks scared. He's shaking now that he's back in B's arms, his eyes are droopy with exhaustion, but his pupils are still blown wide. They're all practically sick over him.

Meanwhile Danny is coming down from the equivalent of a sugar high or ghost zoomies. All that adrenaline is still coursing through his body making him shake, and the ghost fight after not facing a formidable opponent in a while, plus not having access to pure ecto like he had in Amity has left him sleepy.

He falls asleep in Batman's arms, making the bats think he passed out. When he detransforms in his sleep ? Oh, he must practically be dying again rn.

He wakes up in medbay confused. He just had the most fun he had in months. Why the fuck is he here ???

while there are a lot of close relationships within the batfam, one of my absolute favorites is Dick and Jason. I feel like they’re one of those duos that LOOK wildly incompatible but the moment push comes to shove, they’re actually super competent and work together in all the best ways

the best part of it is how they utilize that, though. I think one of their absolute favorite things to do is, because they were the “OG” batkids, talk about things that happened before anyone else was there. are these things real? Who knows.

Cass: *looks mournfully at the bandages covering her feet* I won’t be able to attend my ballet recital after the injuries I got from patrol Jason: *sipping coffee* never stopped Dickie. I think he showed up to a gymnastics meet in a neck brace, once. It took a good ten minutes of begging before they let him compete. Bruce still doesn’t know about that. Cass: can I— Jason: no.

Damian: have you ever fought with father, Grayson? Dick: *chokes on his cereal* wh—w— *pounds his own chest and coughs* yeah?? Of course?? *looks desperately to Jason for help, not wanting to explain to Damian that he and Bruce had spent more time yelling at each other than being nice in his teen years* Jason: *sagely* yeah, there was that time ya brought home a Dalmatian th’ size of a freakin’ truck. Where did ya get that again? Abandoned on a case? Owner killed? Something like that. We had t’ give him t’ the shelter. Damian: you had a DALMATION and NEGLECTED TO INFORM ME???? Dick: *glared at Jason*

there’s no holes in their stories, to the other kids. One says something, the other immediately corroborates it. There’s no hesitation, no sign either is lying. Even Tim can’t figure it out, because Bruce was shit at keeping logs of stuff in that period of time and Dick and Jason are just that good at lying??

or maybe they’re just telling the truth???

no one can tell

Tim: *examining a corner of the batcave* what is this??? Someone—hahaha someone etched their initials into the wall!! Jason: *without missing a beat* that was the joker . . . We caught him, didn’t have a proper cell at the time so he got out there . . . He spent the weekend starving while we ate cereal in front of him . . . Good times Tim: Tim: *looks to Dicks and finds him nodding* dick: that cereal was really good. Too bad Joker escaped, we were only allowed to get that really sugary brand because of the circumstances . . . Tim: what the fuck Tim: hey B, you do know that Selina is totally in love with you, right? Bruce: *keeping stoically silent* Dick: oh, he knows. And he’s in love with her right back Jason: *gaining a shit-eating grin* yeah, he once bought her a whole Batmobile and rebranded it to be a “Catmobile” but she laughed so hard at it that it’s been sitting in storage for years ever since Tim: Bruce: dick: *nodding* true story

Batsiblings convince Jason to get himself a cooking Tiktok account, and he gives in. To his surprise, he quickly gains millions of followers and a loyal auditory. The only problem? Jason has no idea that these people came here not necessary for recipes.

Jason: Geez, my followers had been pissing me off lately. Dick, confused: Huh? Why? Jason: They keep commenting ATE. Like, dude? Fucking where? I am not eating in my cooking videos. What is the fucking point? Tim, choking: Oh my fucking God-

Jason, making an angry text post for his followers: YOU ALL. STOP COMMENTING "RAW". MY MEAT IS NOT RAW. I AM A PROPER COOK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Cassandra: Maybe it is time to tell him... Tim, Steph, Duke, in unison: NO

Bruce, awkwardly trying to have a conversation with Jason: Hey, lad, how is your cooking blog is going? Jason: Uh, people keep commenting cryptid messages. Like, the last time I was showing the right way to tenderise meat for chops because apparently it wasn't clear and someone requested the whole video? Anyway, I did it, and the whole comment section was writing me "in bed, on the floor, on the couch, on a chair, against the wall, against the window, against the door"... Like, why would I do that, not in the kitchen? Bruce, no less clueless: Maybe it some kind of challenge. Kids love trying new stuff in extreme places nowadays. Jason: Huh. Maybe. Thanks. Bruce, just proud to have a proper conversation and somehow a help: Anytime, Jaylad! Damian, who was unblissfully educated on the slang matter by Tim (because it was his responsibility as a big brother to traumatise him), with his eye twitching: ...None of these words were in Koran

coming out of my cage and i been doing just bad. going back in my cage because i like my cage

anyway i bring that up because i think jason's singular hobby is that he's a line cook. which you would argue isn't a hobby at all and i would agree with you but Jason doesn't know how to have fun outside of the context of work and restaurants take all kinds of nutjobs. he interviews and shit and gets the job because he doesn't care about things like "being paid" a "livable wage" and seemed like he was on the least amount of drugs at the time of the interview. upon showing up the first day he's getting settled on the line and the servers come in to be like hey whats up man welcome and like the 5th server is none other than dick grayson. they look at each other in silent horror for 5 seconds before dick visibly comes to some sort of decision and is like. Hi Man I'm Rich Nice To Meet You. and jason is like. im jason. and then they have to pretend not to know each other from there on out until dick gets fired for exhibiting freak behaviors

Zelda and Link as "The Shadow" (1909), Edmund Blair Leighton

timothy the teetotaler kills me. hes a DARE kid. dumping out his roommates alcohol and threatens to get him expelled. i know he acts like someones pulled a gun whenever they take out a joint and it will never not be funny. his idol is dick "lets all try cocaine!" grayson.

DAY 15

GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 15

i will read. The dick midnighter porn. 🙋🏻‍♂️

how are you in my house how did you know i was talking about finishing this like two days ago when you sent this ask