It’s Always “evil Superman!!!!” This, Or “villain Justice League!!!” That.

*Timbern because I'm a slut*

—

Bernard and Tim, playing Minecraft together

Bernard: Hey, hey, Tim.

Tim, trying to make an XP farm work: Yeah?

Bernard, snickering: Can we— Can I put my bed next to yours?

Tim, feigning shock: Before marriage?!

Bernard: Before marriage!

They both laugh hysterically, they've been playing for eight hours straight

—

Tim, screaming: IT'S CHASING ME IT'S CHASING ME IT'S CHASING ME

Bernard: What is it!?

Tim: A CREEPER!

Bernard: Aw, man... HIT AND RUN HIT AND RUN!!!

Tim: IT'S GONNA EXPLODE OH I'M GODS WE'RE GONNA DIE I JUST GOT THE OBSIDIAN OH MY GODS!!!

—

Bernard: Hey, uh, Timboo?

Tim, building their house: Hm?

Bernard: I'm lost.

Tim: How did you get lost? You left three minutes ago!

Bernard: I DON'T know, I am in an unfamiliar area!

Tim: I don't see your nametag.

Bernard: I'm gonna die.

Tim: No, no, we just made iron armor.

Bernard: I'll find my way home, someday, my love!

Tim, looking at their cats: I'm a single Mother now...

Bernard: Wait for me! I'll find my way home— oh, wait, coordinates.

Tim: Huh? Oh, yeah.

—

Bernard: I made the sheep gay.

Tim: You what?

Bernard: I made the sheep gay, I used the nametag and did the trick.

Tim, going to the farm: GAY SHEEP!!!

Bernard: GAY SHEEP!!!

—

Bernard: Hey, hey, Tim.

Tim: What?

Bernard: I found wolves.

Tim: I'll bring the bones!!!

—

Bernard: I made you something.

Tim: What is it?

Bernard, placing a cake down:

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim: Marry me.

—

Bernard:

Tim:

Bernard: I wish I could get you pregnant in Minecraft.

Tim: Didn't you make us in the Sims?

Bernard: Yeah, we're on our fourth child.

Tim: Freak.

Bernard: You make good money as a secret agent, my restaurant is doing well.

Tim: Can you make me become a super villain?

Bernard: Absolutely.

Tim: Nice.

Bernard: As soon as you're off maternity leave.

Tim: F#&% you.

Bernard: Dick keeps coming over though, and I think Jason wants to steal our youngest.

Tim:

—

Tim: We've been playing for... Three days.

Bernard, half awake, mining: Huh? Oh, yeah, we have.

Tim: Should... Should we stop?

Bernard: I mean. What would we do?

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim: Wanna go do a village raid?

Bernard: Hell yeah.

—

Clark’s favourite post-big-mission-destress is using his super hearing to tune in to whatever bullshit Bruce has to deal with on the batplane ride back to Gotham with whatever batkids were on hand during the fight.

Bruce: alright is everybody strapped in-?

Tim: -fucking told you to move up- BRUCE TELL DAMIAN TO SHOVE IT

Jason: oh my god did you see Green Arrow eat shit when that guy shot at him?

Dick: Jason YOU shot him

Bruce: Damian you have to let Tim- Jason that was YOU-?

Jason: hey i TOLD him to move out the way it’s not my fault the bullet ricochetted off a lamppost into his leg-

Bruce: i told you to leave the real bullets at home- TIM STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER

Duke: WAIT I LEFT MY IPOD BACK AT THE FIGHT

Tim: how am i the one getting in trouble- HES LITERALLY GOT HIS KNIFE OUT

Damian: i told you if you got in my way during the battle you would regret it and WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Stephanie: shut up Damian you were totally about to kick it, Tim saved your ass.

Tim: THANK YOU! AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN?

Jason: who the fuck takes an ipod to a fight we literally have bluetooth in the comms

Duke: who the fuck dies to the Joker he’s literally just a guy

Jason: OI-

Stephanie: *cackling*

Bruce: OK- Damian and Tim, opposite sides of the plane! Duke we can’t turn back now, i’ll just have to get you a new ipod-

Dick: BRUUUUUUUUCE JASONS BLEEEEDDDIIINNNNGGG

Jason: shut the fuck up you fucking snitch!

Bruce: WHO’S BLEEDING?!? JASON-

Stephanie: hey Duke can i paint your nails- TIM GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE

Damian: Father, Grayson has passed out

Bruce: WHAT-

Jason: HAH! I WIN THE BET HE FUCKING OWES ME 20 DOLLARS

Tim: what bet?

Jason: we both got stabbed so we didnt tell anyone to see who could stay awake the longest

Bruce: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT-

Duke: do you guys even understand how many songs i had downloaded on that ipod? it was fucking engraved, man

Stephanie: Damian stop moving your fucking hands you’re gonna mess up the nail polish

Damian: I HAD TO ITCH MY NOSE

Jason: does anyone wanna see the video of Green Arrow eating shit or what?

Tim, Damian, Duke, Stephanie: YES

Bruce: WE HAVE TO GET DICK A BLOOD TRANSFUSION-

-back with the Justice League-

Clark: *sitting back with his eyes closed, a serene smile on his face*

Barry, whispering to Ollie: what’s he doing?

Ollie: i think it’s a post-battle meditation thing, calms him down

Barry: man, i should really start getting some healthier habits. i never bother meditating.

Ollie: he truly is an inspiration to all.

realistically i have a phone with tumblr in it but ideally i have a nokia brick and a accounting magazine subsribction

DAY 15

GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 15

This panel kills me every time

Jason the type of guy to get so mad at how slowly the streets are getting plowed that he steals a snowplow and starts doing it himself. There’s tiktoks of it. “The gotham municipality department so bad at plowing snow the fucking red hood is doing it 😭😭💀💀💀💀” (video of red hood blowing down the street in a ford f350 w a plow on it that says GOTHAM MUNICIPAL DEPARTMENT on the doors). Viral video of him waiting at a red light like a good boy & some civilian takes it upon themself to do an impromptu interview aka knocks on his window & asks why hes plowing the snow & he’s so mad that he takes off his helmet (got a mask underneath) and leans his whole torso out the window to gesticulate about it as he hollers. Hes so mad his accent makes him very nearly unintelligible

If batkids had a podcast XVI

Red hood: Just us today?

Nightwing: Just us today.

Red hood (laughing) I wonder why–

Nighwing: Dude– (laughing as well)

Red hood: I–

Nightwing: Dude don't do it–

(just both of them chuckling)

Red Hood (close to the mic): They're grounded.

Nightwing: (CACKLES)

Nightwing (crying): This is not funny

Red Hood: This is hilarious.

Red Hood: Were last survivors of our kind. . .

Red Hood: Adults.

Nightwing: Adults.

Red Hood: He can't ground us anymore.

Nighwing, chuckling: He can't ground us anymore

Red Hood:

Red Hood: Fuck.

Nightwing:

Red Hood: We're b– (pause) We're both the oldest now.

Nightwing: Yeah– You, me and–

Red Hood, at the same time: Yeah– (pause) This is so surreal

Nightwing: You think?

Red Hood: Yeah. Dude – I was. . . I was the youngest.

Nightwing: Oh your sweet summer– I was a only child.

Red Hood: (Cackles)

Nightwing: It really isn't that weird to me.

Red Hood: Really?

Nightwing: Yeah– I was always the oldest man.

Nightwing: I was the oldest of my team

Red Hood: What?!

Nightwing: Yeah!

Red Hood: You're fucking with me.

Nightwing: Nah man– I was the oldest. I am the oldest, I'm not dead.

Red Hood:

Red Hood: You're older than Arsenal?

Nightwing: I'm older than everybody man.

Nightwing: People look at me and assign me to take care of children.

Red Hood (imitating Damian voice): "Father genes"

Nightwing: HA– "father genes" (pause) Why are you looking at me like that?

Red Hood:

Red Hood: You're ancient.

Nightwing: IM NOT ANCIENT.

Red Hood: You're older than the Teen Titans, fucking older than Young Justice.

Nightwing: You're older than Young Justice

Red Hood: I was dead man it doesn't count.

Nightwing: Of course it does– How old are you?

Red Hood: How old are you?

Nightwing:

Nighwing: I– I am an adult.

Red Hood: Uh-huh.

Nightwing: In a reasonable age.

Red Hood: You're in your thirties aren't you?

Nightwing: NO

Nightwing:

Red Hood: You look like you're in your thirties– The bag under your eyes

Nightwing: Because I'm tired????

Red Hood: The hunched posture.

Nightwing: Hey I do not have hunched posture– Fuck you.

Nightwing: You try to take care of an entire team of teenagers just to end up taking care of more two and a grown ass depressed middle aged man.

Red Hood: That was Red–

Nightwing: That was Red. (pause) I would have fucking killed him.

Red Hood: Oh Definitely.

Nightwing: Point still stand man I'm tired.

Red Hood: Both of us.

Nightwing: Both of us– (chuckles) Robins if you're hearing this I love both of you and I would do it all over again. Titans– (closer to the mic) You know what you did.

Red Hood: (Cackles)

Red Hood (closer to his mic): You know your sins.

Nightwing (laughing): Flash owe me 30 dollars.

Prev Post / Next Post

while there are a lot of close relationships within the batfam, one of my absolute favorites is Dick and Jason. I feel like they’re one of those duos that LOOK wildly incompatible but the moment push comes to shove, they’re actually super competent and work together in all the best ways

the best part of it is how they utilize that, though. I think one of their absolute favorite things to do is, because they were the “OG” batkids, talk about things that happened before anyone else was there. are these things real? Who knows.

Cass: *looks mournfully at the bandages covering her feet* I won’t be able to attend my ballet recital after the injuries I got from patrol Jason: *sipping coffee* never stopped Dickie. I think he showed up to a gymnastics meet in a neck brace, once. It took a good ten minutes of begging before they let him compete. Bruce still doesn’t know about that. Cass: can I— Jason: no.

Damian: have you ever fought with father, Grayson? Dick: *chokes on his cereal* wh—w— *pounds his own chest and coughs* yeah?? Of course?? *looks desperately to Jason for help, not wanting to explain to Damian that he and Bruce had spent more time yelling at each other than being nice in his teen years* Jason: *sagely* yeah, there was that time ya brought home a Dalmatian th’ size of a freakin’ truck. Where did ya get that again? Abandoned on a case? Owner killed? Something like that. We had t’ give him t’ the shelter. Damian: you had a DALMATION and NEGLECTED TO INFORM ME???? Dick: *glared at Jason*

there’s no holes in their stories, to the other kids. One says something, the other immediately corroborates it. There’s no hesitation, no sign either is lying. Even Tim can’t figure it out, because Bruce was shit at keeping logs of stuff in that period of time and Dick and Jason are just that good at lying??

or maybe they’re just telling the truth???

no one can tell

Tim: *examining a corner of the batcave* what is this??? Someone—hahaha someone etched their initials into the wall!! Jason: *without missing a beat* that was the joker . . . We caught him, didn’t have a proper cell at the time so he got out there . . . He spent the weekend starving while we ate cereal in front of him . . . Good times Tim: Tim: *looks to Dicks and finds him nodding* dick: that cereal was really good. Too bad Joker escaped, we were only allowed to get that really sugary brand because of the circumstances . . . Tim: what the fuck Tim: hey B, you do know that Selina is totally in love with you, right? Bruce: *keeping stoically silent* Dick: oh, he knows. And he’s in love with her right back Jason: *gaining a shit-eating grin* yeah, he once bought her a whole Batmobile and rebranded it to be a “Catmobile” but she laughed so hard at it that it’s been sitting in storage for years ever since Tim: Bruce: dick: *nodding* true story

DCXDP crossover where Danny ends up adopted by the bats for one reason or another, and they all know about his ghost powers/vigilantism but not the extent of it.

So one day they're all out patrolling Gotham, and one of Danny's rogues comes out, specifically one that's screaming about wearing his pelt on his wall. The bats go into protect mode obvs and scoop up Danny to try and shield him from this evil green glowy guy, only for Danny to flail around like a feral cat.

He's in Batman's arms like; "put me down, PUt mE dOwn, PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME DOWN!!"

and he bolts out of his arms to go and fight this guy and they are both absolutely feral! Biting and scratching and wailing, and just a whole bunch of freaky paranormal shit. To the bats this is the most desperate and destructive looking fight they've ever seen and they have no clue how to help. To Danny? The complete opposite.

In Danny's POV the whole interaction was completely friendly!

Skulker: Come out here, Phantom ! Come fight me so I can use your organs to build my throne !

Danny's vision: hey ghost boy 🥺🩷 let's go play outside 🥺🥺 plleeaaaseeee my mom said I can be out till the streetlights go off 🥺🥺

Danny: B you need to put me down !! Now !! I gotta go please ! Please !! You don't- you have to-- stop!! You don't understand, put me down!!"

Danny's vision: dad I wanna play too 🥺🥺 I'll be good I promise 🥺

The bats are obviously freaking out. They can't touch this guy and Danny is fighting for his afterlife ! Why can't they do anything ! Why are they so useless ??

After the fight Danny soups Skulker and descends back down to the bats. To them he looks beat. He looks scared. He's shaking now that he's back in B's arms, his eyes are droopy with exhaustion, but his pupils are still blown wide. They're all practically sick over him.

Meanwhile Danny is coming down from the equivalent of a sugar high or ghost zoomies. All that adrenaline is still coursing through his body making him shake, and the ghost fight after not facing a formidable opponent in a while, plus not having access to pure ecto like he had in Amity has left him sleepy.

He falls asleep in Batman's arms, making the bats think he passed out. When he detransforms in his sleep ? Oh, he must practically be dying again rn.

He wakes up in medbay confused. He just had the most fun he had in months. Why the fuck is he here ???

Tim: hey dad how do I file my taxes?

Bruce: I honestly don't know.

Tim: but ... Then who does our taxes?

Stephanie: or are you that rich mfer that doesn't pay his taxes?

Dick, snatches their forms, grumbling in "doing the Wayne's taxes since he was 8": should have stayed on the streets, this is bullshit...