My Adaptation Of The God Of Arepo Short Story, Which Was Originally Up At ShortBox Comics Fair For Charity.

I’ve decided that once Kevin gets comfortable with casual affection, he becomes a kisser. He kisses everyone. Cheeks, foreheads, tops of heads (lots of this because everyone is so short). Goodbye kisses, greeting kisses, excited kisses. He likes the softness and intimate nature of the act. Likes that he can have this kind of affection with people, and it stays entirely innocent. The only person who doesn’t get kisses is Andrew, and he is bitter about it, but only Neil knows. Kevin’s never wanted to ask because he didn't want to make Andrew feel uncomfortable but also because he didn’t want to face that kind of rejection. He doesn’t have to, though, because one day after Kevin’s given Neil a quick peck on the top of his head, which Neil hardly even notices anymore, Andrew places himself in front of Kevin expectantly and glares. Kevin freezes, thinking Andrew is no longer okay with Kevin kissing his boyfriend, but when Kevin looks at Neil, he just pats his head and gives a quick thumbs up. Mimes out, “Yes or no?” Kevin asks, “Andrew, can I kiss your head?” To which Andrew replies, like an adult, “I don’t know, can you?” Kevin rolls his eyes and asks again, “Yes or no, asshole” Andrew nods in the affirmative and so Kevin leans down and softly kisses the top of Andrew’s head. When he pulls away, he watches Andrew for any signs that he’s messed it up but is met with Andrew’s blank, unaffected face. “Boring,” Andrew finally says, and it almost stops Kevin’s heart because there it is, the rejection he fears. Only Andrew steps closer and grabs the front of Kevin’s shirt. “Kiss me for real.” Neil nods encouragingly behind Andrew with both thumbs up, so Kevin does what he’s told. Now, Kevin still gives kisses. Cheeks and foreheads and tops of heads but also lips, and necks and shoulders too.

HOW IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

SHE SAID THAT THEY WERE DATING, MY BABIES ARE IN A FUCKING SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

But yeah Andrew is the softer one in the relationship:

- This is a part of him he thinks must be in new bloom. The world says rough, the world says weapon, the world says joyless and so there must be some truth to it, right? Yet he finds himself wanting to cradle Neil’s hands to his chest when he needs steadying from a nightmare, have Neil’s bare wrist pressed flush against his ribs so that he can feel their pulses thrumming against one another. And he can’t sleep at night until he’s ran slow, deliberate fingers through Neil’s soft hair, every comb-through an indulgence, fingers massaging Neil’s delicate scalp, learning the structure, the very shape of it. He wants to press his lips to every scab, every contusion, everywhere Neil tore himself apart in hopes of survival. He wants to alleviate and cradle and absorb.  - Neil often ends up kicking his own blankets off of himself at night, and in the winters it drives Andrew absolutely crazy, so he’ll wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night just to fix Neil’s blanket and pull the covers back up over his shoulders to keep him from shivering too much, right before closing his arms down over Neil’s middle like a brace like a ring of fire. - Andrew likes to tease Neil about being clingy, but there are times when it’s difficult to say if there’s something wrong with his system or if being separated from Neil for longer than a few hours at a time has him emptied and aching in more ways than one. One particular evening at Sweetie’s, while watching Neil, Nicky and Kevin engage in some idle conversation he doesn’t remotely care to pay attention to, Andrew subtly tilts his cone in Neil’s direction. Neil regards it a moment before gladly accepting the soft serve and taking a small bite out of it. They share the rest of the cone together. Nicky attempts to tease them about it at one point, but stops mid sentence when he catches Andrew’s murder-glare from his periphery and changes topic. Andrew will never admit it, but once it becomes a quiet, shared ritual; he likes getting a little ice cream on his nose on purpose so that Neil has the urge to kiss it off. Slowly it becomes ok, even in  public. - There are nights when Andrew lets Neil wrap his arms around his stomach and pull him close, his chin on his shoulder, Andrew’s back digging into Neil’s chest. Andrew sleeps better when he can feel Neil’s heart beating against his spine. It leaves him strangely warm and punch-drunk.  - Sometimes in the midst of exploring, Andrew will take Neil’s hands and press them to his own diaphragm over his t-shirt so that Andrew’s breaths can do the speaking for the wordless, happy hum that he’s feeling. He likes Neil’s palm resting there, at the centre of him. - Andrew anchors his fingers in the back collar of Neil’s sweatshirt whenever he feels Neil tense by his side. As soon as Neil’s on edge, all it takes is for Andrew to hook his fingers and give a light tug on his clothes to reground him. Other times he’ll bunch his hand in the hem of Neil’s t-shirt and twist or press a steering hand around the back of his neck, but never to control. Always to guide. Neil will never not be amazed by the impact the slightest contact with Andrew can make on his nervous system. - Andrew strives to smoothen out his hard edges, catches tail ends of hushed conversations where the Foxes relay mutual shock at noticing the incurvated places where Andrew lets himself cave in, allowing himself to be vulnerable, allowing himself to be worshipped. The devotion and unrepentant trust that builds a monolith within him when Neil fiercely defends him. “I don’t need your useless concern,” he’ll mutter. “Too bad because you’ve got it,” Neil will usually reply. “They have to stop preying on you at every given chance. You’re not a monster to me. You shouldn’t be a monster to anyone. If they fail to understand that, they’ll be sorry.” Andrew’s tone is offhanded. “I don’t care about what they think. Nor should you.” Neil just shakes his head. “We’re family. We have to treat each other like one.” The words bite at the crumbs of Andrew’s nonchalant demeanor and he lets his guard down wholeheartedly. It’s an understanding. He and Neil have something that the rest of the world can only dream of, and nobody can take that away from them. - Neil often spends time bare-chested with Andrew so that he can further familiarize himself with the feel of Neil’s lacerated skin and by the time they’re falling asleep, Andrew almost invariably ends up wearing Neil’s oversized hoodie he shed earlier to bed.       - He doesn’t feel particularly gentle, but Neil insists that he is. “You’re always so careful,” Neil’s voice is thick with some unchained emotion, yet conversational as he runs fingers over Andrew’s split knuckles. The night air is humid and dark, rain-heavy clouds blot out the stars. They feel exhausted after a particularly grueling game, like battlefields after war, but the heat of Andrew’s body is lilting and makes Neil feel kind of dreamy. “With me, I mean. Nobody else has ever been that considerate.” Andrew’s blank amber eyes stare back at him, shone like opals in the campus lights reflecting from down below. “It’s not concern,” Neil nods in agreement. “No, it’s not.” Andrew then wordlessly takes their entwined hands and holds them against the side of his jaw, just below his cheek. Neil reacts with an elaboration. “Even though it’s always yes with you, you understand that some days it might be a difficult yes. You don’t touch to feast, you touch to steady. You make me feel safe and like I exist. You go about it like flower picking, if that even makes any sense. Cautious but hot, never incomplete and still somehow leaving me wanting more.” Now Neil’s smiling and nudging Andrew’s foot with his own. Their hands still twined at Andrew’s throat. “It’s really sweet.” Neil expects a comeback, an evasion, an immediate it is not but instead Andrew’s silence is pensive. Neil can feel him swallow against his fingers. The swift bob up and back down. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to.” He finally declares. Neil’s heart enflames as he leans in, close enough to Andrew’s mouth that he can taste his breath on his tongue, an inch keeping from tipping over into a kiss. “And I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t want to. Because I do. I want so much it scares me. Pretty weird, right? Going from being nothing to wanting so much.” They gaze patiently at one another, not kissing, breaths spreading against lips like ripples in a pond. “What if I stopped asking?” Andrew’s voice is barely a whisper, hoarse; afraid almost. “I would like that, but only if you feel comfortable with a decision so big. You don’t have to make it now. Not for me.” Neil replies. Andrew closes his eyes. “Tell me one final time.” Neil traces one of Andrew’s eyelids with a barely-there finger and takes a breath. “Yes. Eternally yes.” Andrew crushes his lips hard against Neil’s: a chemical reaction. The kiss is a languid drink sipped by a man who’d been thirsting for years. The kiss is a game changer and Neil feels it in every single one of his arteries. If such a gesture could be measured, it’d stretch on for eternity. Neil is so thankful when they come apart for air that he’s stunted speechless. Andrew’s expression, once an uprising, now lays its armor down and then, the barest, shortest of burning smiles. Neil thinks he’ll forget how to inflate his lungs. And sitting there, atop their little pocket dimension of a rooftop, with Neil’s face moon-bright and stained red with surprise, Andrew thinks this gentleness will become a bad habit.

About how Kerejeandreils cope with their traumas

Jean often has nightmares on his bad days. When the boundaries of anxiety grow to an exorbitant size, he go to Jeremy.

Neil's triggers can be triggered by any little thing (words; sudden movements). Of course, he won't admit that he's not okay, but Andrew doesn't need to say anything. He himself will take Neil away from everyone, where they will smoke in silence.

Kev may not eat for weeks and lock himself in a room, but that doesn't mean the guys won't find a way to get to him. Their sunny boy just picks the lock, but no one comes in until Kevin himself lets them in.

That's how they find out that Jeremy didn't have a sweet life either. And even if his teenage riots and escapes from home are not the nightmare that the guys had to go through, his problem are not devalued.

Andrew never talks about his bad days. He is a defender, and it behooves him to be strong and not show weakness. This delusion, which he has convinced himself of, doesn't suit Knox, so Minyard can no longer ignore his condition.

Jean asks Andrew to teach him how to fight with knives. This is far from the best way to deal with trauma to rape, but Minyard agrees to help with the only condition: Jean will sign up for a session with Bee. If necessary, they will go to it together.

Neil's "I'm fine" eventually loses weight completely in their company. Everyone understands that this is utter nonsense.

One day, after a grueling interview, Kevin just finds Jeremy and lies with him in silence for several hours. He was tired. It infuriates him how journalists try to get into his personal life. He feels bad. But next to Jer, everything gets a little better.

Evenings Andrew barricades himself in the kitchen, devoting himself to cooking. Maybe it's stupid, but that's how he calms the demons in his head.

Neil, stepping over his fears, takes Jean by the hand, and runs his palm over his scars. He doesn't avoid touching, unlike Andrew, but this is also an important step forward. Especially after what happened in the Nest.

They're not fine, but it's okay. They overcome their demons together.

his swagless breakdowns have captivated me

matt & andrew friendship!!! (extension to this)

matt had a fairly easy time becoming friends with nicky, kevin, and aaron, mostly because once all the issues in their respective lives had been somewhat solved they were more open to branching out

andrew was another matter

matt was beginning to see andrew differently because of the way neil talked about him, and also because of the way renee was starting to talk about him (she used to be more private about their friendship)

hearing about andrew’s devotion to the people he cares about reminds matt a LOT of himself, so one day he finds him alone in the dorms and properly apologizes to him for how he used to be treated by the team

he makes it clear that he understands if andrew isn’t interested in being friends with them, but matt is willing to give it a try if he is

nothing happens for a few days, and then during practice renee calls matt over to join in on a “debate” she and andrew are having on their stroll around the court

matt has the earth shattering realization that andrew is hilarious

and not only does the man have some serious deadpan comedy going on, he’s also wildly intelligent and profound

(unbeknownst to him, andrew has also been hearing about matt from renee and neil, and perhaps….he is a little curious)

the other foxes are so weirded out because during practice matt will just be chilling next to andrew and then suddenly burst into laughter

neil is Very Happy about this

the two of them start having more one-on-one conversations, and they actually get along really well?? matt is a good listener, and he has this way of getting andrew to talk that surprises both of them

but they also very quickly master the art of just sitting in comfortable silence and keeping each other company while they both do homework or something

matt also figures out oh. andrew’s expression does change. you just have to look very closely. it’s all in the eyes!!

andrew, during rooftime, staring into space and Thinking Hard: “why the fuck does matt keep on staring at me” 

neil, flicking gravel off the ledge, barely thinking at all: “he’s not staring he just wants to know how you feel” 

andrew, realizing he’s gonna add a 6′4 himbo to his Protection List: “shit”

they have a very deep understanding of each other

there is more to matt than just the outgoing chaotic extroverted friend

he gets so deeply invested in his friends and sometimes it overwhelms him because he doesn’t know what to do!! he doesn’t know where to put all of his love for them!! kinda like that mary oliver poem

and he was so lonely growing up because both of his parents were pretty absent (but his relationship with his mom got stronger in middle school) and he always feels like he doesn’t deserve the foxes

so he quietly pours all of himself into them, into buying their favorite snacks when they’re sad, listening as they vent, giving them the last of his water at practice, just being the Ultimate Dad Friend

and andrew gets it. he really gets it.

in the girls’ senior year the team takes another road trip to a skiing lodge, and it is an absolutely perfect week of nothing but a good time

at some point matt mumbles something about needing to call his mom and disappears and andrew gives him like 5 minutes before he goes to check on him

matt is curled up with his earbuds in and trying to Deal With His Emotions because he knows nothing lasts forever but he wants it to last forever

he remembers the days when his parents were happy together and they were a proper family and how it can all fall apart overnight

andrew nudges him with his foot and he looks so unimpressed but matt knows better

“matthew. hey matthew. matthew donovan. matthew donovan boy-” “i’m fine just vibing” “if you think we are going to leave you then you are even stupider than i thought.” 

they go back to the rest of their team together

their friendship quickly turns into a “YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?? ME!! I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!” type thing

and then it eventually becomes a “let’s take care of ourselves but together ❤” type thing

whenever one of his friends sits next to him, matt reflexively rests his arm along the back of their chair/the sofa

it’s not at all territorial or patronizing, it’s just his brain responding to friend is near!! and all the other foxes think it’s kinda funny

one day andrew sits down next to him in the lounge, and matt’s arm twitches, but he stops himself because he is always very mindful of other people’s boundaries

andrew, not looking up from his phone: “it’s fine.” 

a photo of the two of them ends up on the lounge wall the next day, matt turning away to hide a giant grin with his arm chilling along the back of the couch, andrew’s expression flat but his body relaxed

matt says it’s probably his favorite photo

(neil agrees)

neil and the foxes part 2 because i can’t control myself and i’m a hoe for aaron x katelyn (the first part of this can be found here or in the aftg headcanon tag on my blog)

after a bit neil realizes that he actually really likes physical affection, he never knew that touch could be so friendly and warm and caring

the foxes are always careful, but they pick up on how he subconsciously leans in or gets a tiny smile

allison starts pecking him on the cheek before and after games and it stirs up some media attention that they both mercilessly sass away

dan always hugs him and matt ruffles his hair, renee likes to link their arms together, and nicky starts dramatically collapsing on him during halftime or hangs onto him whenever they’re out and about

kevin does not do touch and neither does andrew or aaron, but there are rare occasions in which kevin will clap neil on the shoulder in stoic approval

neil and katelyn become friends and it’s super confusing at first but everyone quickly realizes it kinda makes sense in a weird way

neil especially likes how she’s just super casual about the intensity of the competitive cheer she’s done for her whole life, like he just stares at her in awe while she’s happily recounting all the times she either bruised her ribs or fell from terrifying heights

she shows him a video of her tumbling like a badass and nicky’s like “twinyards your s.o.’s are going to run off together” 

whenever aaron is being a dick or difficult in practice, neil starts pretending to wave at someone nearby and goes “hey katelyn!”

it is RIDICULOUS how aaron keeps on falling for it, like he knows she’s not there at 7AM on a tuesday morning but he still perks up and his head whips around

the rest of the team starts doing it and if he didn’t hate neil before he definitely hates him now

neil confesses he doesn’t really have a favorite food and everyone is appalled

even though he’s traveled all over the place, they avoided restaurants and mostly just went for whatever was cheapest and fast

allison and nicky make it their mission to introduce him to as much stuff as possible and see if anything really catches his attention

neil does not care for sweets or spicy stuff at all, which results in the expected “you’re so white” jokes from nicky

he does really like stuff heavy on the umami, so the team starts ordering a LOT of asian food

at the end of the upperclassmen’s last championship (that they totally win of course), neil breaks his ankle in literally the last thirty seconds dodging his mark to make a goal

he tries to pretend he’s fine but he falls down when he tries to walk so matt scoops him up bridal style and andrew stays glued to him

they completely ignore the press and celebrating and everyone goes with him to the ER and force their way to his bedside

it’s bad enough the doctors put him on painkillers which make him super high, but he doesn’t have anything to hide anymore so…

neil starts to just like spill all of his feelings about everyone and they’re already so overwhelmed by winning championships a second time they can’t take this too

“matt i just want you to know that you’re like my big brother and you’re always taking care of me and i know you and dan are going to make such good parents one day” “dan you’re so strong and beautiful i want to be like you when i grow up, i swear i’m gonna try to be as good to the foxes as you were to us”

“kevin you absolute ASSHOLE, you FIEND, you’re the best exy player ever and that’ll never change and i wouldn’t be good without you, i hate to say it but you deserve happiness i guess” “katelyn’s way out of your league aaron i have no idea how the fuck you got her but don’t lose her and i want to be your child’s godfather”

“allison you’re such a bitch but you’re my best friend and i wouldn’t have it any way, you can cook my face whenever you want” (everyone knows he means bake) “renee, renee i would always stick with you during the apocalypse, whenever you do the hooky elbow thing i feel all safe and warm inside” 

“nicky…we’re your family now. we’re always gonna be your family now. okay?” 

“wymack you’re not fooling anyone with your tats, we all know you’ve adopted us, i used to be scared of you because of my dad–FUCK him by the way–but i realized what good dads are like because of you” “abby i would kill anyone who wronged you, even if they cut you in line at the grocery store, i would knife them no hesitation” 

he mumbles something to andrew that no one else can hear, but that’s fine

everyone’s too busy weeping anyway

neil’s a little in and out after that, but when he fully regains consciousness he’s on a pile of blankets, surrounded by his team again on the floor

i need to stop myself but…mayhaps a part 3 is coming??

some rambling about Kevin from Andrew’s pov -

Kevin’s first addiction was other people. He was hooked long before he ever tasted the burn of liquor. To be alone was to slip into a sudden feverish withdrawal, hands splayed out and grasping for another hit. He detested other people, yet crawled after the mirage of connection like a dying man to water, finding refuge in the shade of another. Andrew blamed Kayleigh for the pathetic habit - 9 years of that pure high from unconditional love only to leave Kevin hooked on the cheap stuff, a pale imitation cut with a violence that was slowly killing him.

Andrew wishes he could go back in time and press the thin tip of his blade up into the soft spot right between Kayleigh’s ribs and make it known that Kevin would never end up in the Nest. Exy be damned. But Andrew can’t, so he’s stuck dealing with the fall out of Kevin’s addiction, forever forced to pacify shaking hands with platitudes of protection. (And he wouldn’t lie to himself and say that there wasn’t a safety in knowing Kevin couldn’t leave). Because what was their deal if not the impossibility that Kevin would stop needing him wagered against the certainty that Andrew would never want anything enough to make him go - both of them satisfied with terms that could never be fulfilled. Andrew had been flinching desperately, trying to catch his own shadow moving without him, but safe in the knowledge that it never would. In the end, Kevin was the one who left. Or maybe Andrew told him to go. It was hard to keep track.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it."

chu chu 💘