Sorry I Had To

Stop the voices

Do you know

I’m not me anymore

There’s nothing left to live for

You say you know everything

But why does it fails when it comes to me

Do you know

Even I don’t know who I am anymore

My brain is is slowly killing me

And I’m just letting it be

And my body is begging for me survive

But what if I don’t want to 

To be called all these names

To be ashamed of myself

To HATE myself

Do you know

Your words are like knives in my heart

And these knives are tearing me apart

You took my innocence away

But for you it was just a play

Can you stop

Please STOP

Cause I don’t think I can fight anymore

RECOVERY

RECOVER

RECOV

RECO

REC

RE

REL

RELA

RELAP

RELAPS

RELAPSE

“I have thoughts in my head that can never be spoken.”

They’re destroying me

Even a spark of anger can burn down your whole life

~Alex

I can’t explain

One of the worst parts of mental illness is that it’s so hard to explain to other people.

Trying to describe what it’s like to have a mental illness is like trying to describe colours to someone who was born blind.

I can try to explain as many times as you need, but you don’t understand. Nobody does… I feel so alone. So isolated. So empty…

Abused kid things:

having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them

gaping holes in memory

feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours

always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake

worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times

guilt for wanting attention

depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”

guilt for receiving attention

feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you

always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger

being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE

feeling you’re going insane

trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself

trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you

feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are

craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it

fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse

self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused

trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t

not knowing how to prove that to anyone else

trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real

wondering why you stayed alive this far