Littlecigs - Out Of Body

Work was slow today. Got myself to eat half a burger for dinner, but I didn't eat breakfast so I guess it's not really that much of an achievement

"i would die for you" this, "i'd walk through fire for you that"

what about "i'd live for you" romances? what about "i never thought i'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together"?

what about "i don't believe i'm worth it, but for you i'll try"

genuinely happy for people who can say their trauma doesn't define them but me personally that shit shaped me fundamentally and dictates every choice i make every single day. lol

And I missed out on so much of my life because I was living in a constant state of anxiety. And if it wasn't anxiety then it was depression. And if it wasn't depression then it was mania. And I literally can't remember being a child. I can't remember being a person. My whole life looks like this inescapable grey haze and I'm stuck in it. Buried in it. I don't want to fall asleep crying anymore. I don't want nightmare after nightmare. I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy and I am literally incapable of it. And that is so fucking terrifying.

I finally re-dyed my hair today :)

I have GOT to get more NORMAL

Vulnerable

eyes a septic kind of green

skin a paper-colored sheen

that covers up all of the things

I don’t want you to see in me